[ dean's focus shifts to something more physical, and sam's eyes stay on his face. it's all part of the process, isn't it? find something to ground yourself, find something to hold or stare at or listen to. open up by slow increments, until the dam just breaks.
sam wonders if the dam will actually break, or if dean will fight it. if he'll let it happen or if he'll push back against the feeling. he talks, and sam listens, because all he can do is ask the questions and offer the space and be there to catch it all when it comes falling.
he nods, because yeah. alright. he would find a productive use for the urges and he went and took care of them. that makes sense. but then dean does keep talking, and the counselor part of sam's brain thinks good, this is good, he's willing to talk... and the larger, louder part of sam just hurts.
i'm scared and sam doesn't wait to put his hand on dean's shoulder. to lean in close and squeeze. because it takes a hell of a lot to do what it is dean's done his whole life, and it takes twice - no, three times - as much to do what he just did. ] Hey. [ sam starts with, his voice calm but here. there's no part of him that's shying away from this, definitely not now.
( he thinks about bucky. about the way he'd looked in sam's front lawn. all the time he'd said, and he'd had that same look in his eyes. not for the first time, he wonders what might have been different if they'd have the conversation earlier. if it hadn't taken so long. ) ]
It's alright to be scared. Hell, I'd be more worried if you weren't. [ which is sam's way of saying that he's glad dean said it at all. that they're talking about this. the fact there's enough dean there to be scared means there's enough there to win out, to stay dean, instead of whatever that mark is meant to be. ] We'll figure this out, and until then, we'll keep an eye on you. [ another squeeze. ]
no subject
sam wonders if the dam will actually break, or if dean will fight it. if he'll let it happen or if he'll push back against the feeling. he talks, and sam listens, because all he can do is ask the questions and offer the space and be there to catch it all when it comes falling.
he nods, because yeah. alright. he would find a productive use for the urges and he went and took care of them. that makes sense. but then dean does keep talking, and the counselor part of sam's brain thinks good, this is good, he's willing to talk... and the larger, louder part of sam just hurts.
i'm scared and sam doesn't wait to put his hand on dean's shoulder. to lean in close and squeeze. because it takes a hell of a lot to do what it is dean's done his whole life, and it takes twice - no, three times - as much to do what he just did. ] Hey. [ sam starts with, his voice calm but here. there's no part of him that's shying away from this, definitely not now.
( he thinks about bucky. about the way he'd looked in sam's front lawn. all the time he'd said, and he'd had that same look in his eyes. not for the first time, he wonders what might have been different if they'd have the conversation earlier. if it hadn't taken so long. ) ]
It's alright to be scared. Hell, I'd be more worried if you weren't. [ which is sam's way of saying that he's glad dean said it at all. that they're talking about this. the fact there's enough dean there to be scared means there's enough there to win out, to stay dean, instead of whatever that mark is meant to be. ] We'll figure this out, and until then, we'll keep an eye on you. [ another squeeze. ]
You're not doing this alone.