open/closed ][ I should not be left to my own devices

[bealufull]

Who: Kaz Brekker & open
When: March
Where: Cadens & Horizon
What: catch all for post event stress, open posts in comments
Warnings: violence, bar fights, the damage of such fights, gambling, likely excessive drinking, talk of body horror, vicious mockery including taunting others about weight and looks





𝐈'𝐦 𝐚 𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐥

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[bealufull]

"You and I have differing images of what is a good thing to do then," he notes, knowing he could have broken the other's arm. He wouldn't call it regret if he had, but then he had pulled the hit instead of crashing it into the other's arm.

That gets him a hard look, eyes narrowing as he leans his weight onto the cane and lets his gaze rake over him.

"I'll only accept help if you explain to me what it is you think you've done to deserve someone warning me off from you. You've been helping me or others every time we've talked after all.

"Eventually I need to get back to Mags' place though."

[philancer]

"Didn't we establish that last time I annoyed you like this?" Sylvain offers back with a cheeky grin, still not looking sorry at all for having stepped in when he had. Yeah, it had hurt, but he's pretty sure he could have handled whatever Kaz was going to dish out better than that idiotic native. Who basically had a death wish, Sylvain had eventually decided, since he'd seen him run his mouth a few too many times. Maybe he should have let him learn his lesson.

Then again, Sylvain's not sure he'd ever made it out of the caverns so that might be a moot point now.

At that look, however, Sylvain just makes a face and quickly shakes his head, lifting his hands in surrender. "Nope, no, that's a terrible idea. I rather like the fact that for once, I'm somewhere where my reputation doesn't precede me. I think I'd prefer to keep it that way."

Not that he thinks Kaz would judge him too harshly for it, he is friends with Jesper, after all. But Sylvain suspects their world might look on things a little differently than his own. Or maybe that was more the consequence of his position than anything else. Still, he's not lying when he says he's grateful this place has allowed him to leave everything behind - his position, his unwanted responsibility, his rather infamous reputation. He's been enjoying being unknown here for all the months he's been in Cadens.

"I can at least play bodyguard getting you back home though, right?"

[bealufull]

"We established that you have no desire to save yourself, which I thought is rather foolish of you," he points out, and he still does. Self preservation was the first thing a person needed. Even if they were trying to help others. "It does you no good to rush in and help others if you're dead," he points out.

Though that statement gets a look of shock, just a tiny quick lift of his brows before his gaze settles into something more assessing.

"I admit, I don't know what to think of that. I would do almost anything to have my reputation proceed me here." Anything but risk losing Jesper and Inej. To make his reputation here the same would mean alienating those they considered friends and who knows who beyond that.

He sighs, giving a quick roll of his eyes. "Fine. I suppose there's worse things I could agree to."

[philancer]

Sylvain just nods along as if that had been exactly what he'd said. "I am considered very foolish quite often, it's true." He's pretty sure that's not what Kaz meant him to take away from that statement, but that's not exactly a conversation for a dark and potentially dangerous back alley.

He looks curious at Kaz's statement about his reputation, thinking back to what little Jesper's told him. It's enough to pique his curiosity, anyway, although there's no tactful way to really ask about that. "Do you like your reputation?" He suspects that might be where the difference lay.

At the roll of eyes, however, he's back to grinning cheekily and offering the man an arm if he needs something more than his cane. Sylvain's not sure, but he's holding himself carefully - moreso than usual - and it's clear he'd taken a beating, even if the other man - men? - had looked worse in the aftermath. That didn't mean Kaz looked all that great himself.

"May I?"

[bealufull]

He's not sure if it's better or worse that he recognizes that he's foolish about such things. If he isn't changing things then how many might be risk? Himself included. Yet that is his path to choose after all.

Though that look and the question that comes with it gets an odd look from Kaz. It would be easy to answer off the tip of his tongue, something hollow and noncommittal.

"It's who I've been since I was nine. I worked hard for that reputation, so that I could live the life I wanted and do everything I needed to do. Starting over feels... futile."

And it means moments like this.

Staring at the other man's arm for a long moment. He's gotten so much better in his time here but that doesn't mean he's okay and it doesn't mean he's prepared himself for moments like this. After taking a deep breath, he shifts as if to take the other man's arm but then he stops.

He can feel the bile rising, the edges of his vision almost paling and he gives a small shake of his head as he returns both hands to the cane.

"Will you walk with me? Just in case?"

He can't hide his reaction but he can be gracious in the face of the other's kindness.

[philancer]

Sylvain had waited patiently as Kaz reaches for him, but then gets hit with a tangled wave of emotions from the other man that has his own stomach lurching for a moment and he gives a thick swallow, trying to interpret what the hell he'd just picked up on. Not having any context here, he has no idea, but he takes in that deliberate withdrawal of his hand with a thoughtful expression before nodding and casting the other man a crooked smile, not pressing the matter.

"Sure. I was heading that direction anyway."

Easier to let the subject drop, he thinks, because whatever had upset Kaz had been... potent. And probably not a topic he wanted to broach when the other man had already had the shit kicked out of him once tonight.

So instead he turns back to the previous topic, as uncomfortable as that might be for him. He can handle a little discomfort if it's a useful distraction.

"My reputation came about as a rebellion against a cage I was never going to be able to escape. I worked hard at it, but it was never going to keep that door from closing on me. Maybe delay the inevitable a while longer, but..." He trails off for a moment before shaking his head. "Of course, coming here makes the cage obsolete, so I can leave that reputation behind with the situation that made it feel so necessary."

[bealufull]

He knows he's overcome a lot about his issues with contact, but that doesn't mean he has a long road ahead of him. One that may well mean he never can accept such help outside of a handful of people. That he had reached out though says a lot to him that he'll think about later.

For now though he pushes himself to his feet, slow going as his leg tries to buckle but he's handled much worse. At least that's what he reminds himself as he gains his feet and takes a minute to let the fine trembling in his leg subside.

So instead he focuses on the other and their story. It's one that makes sense to him and most certainly different sides of the coin on how they feel about their reputation.

"Who then do you want to be here? Given the chance to be anyone or anything."

[philancer]

He resists the urge to reach out and steady the other man, because he'd been very clear in what he was comfortable with. Sylvain's not sure if it's a matter of pride or something worse. So he keeps his hands to himself, even if the tighten into fists a moment to hold himself back before he purposefully tucks them away into his pockets so he doesn't forget himself out of instinct.

Falling into step besides Kaz, he keeps the pace slow and leisurely, wondering if he offered to heal him, if it would be accepted or prompt that same visceral response as before?

He makes a face at the question, however, and can't help a quiet laugh that holds the faintest hint of bitterness he can't quite hide all the way.

"I'm still figuring that part out. It's novel enough to be figuring out who I am, when I've never really been allowed to be just that before. But I'm afraid it's taking a bit of trial and error." His lips quirk faintly, sardonic. "Some habits are really hard to leave behind when they're as ingrained as breathing."

[bealufull]

Kaz pulls himself together in increments, an almost visible change coming over him as he does. Straightening to his full height, craftily using the cane to keep himself steady but not letting it seem he's using it at all, and schooling his expression to hardened and judgmental as if he's not swollen and bruised.

Kaz doesn't think he's the same but is it any different if everything and everyone you think you are was formed through trauma when you were nine and it was do this or die on the streets? He doesn't think of that thought, glad to focus on the other rather than himself.

"What habits do you want to leave behind? Who did you think about growing up to be? Or did you never even have a child's fantasies?"

[philancer]

He watches out of the corner of his eyes as Kaz draws his persona around him like a cloak, until there's almost no hint of the man he'd found hurt in that alley. He'd marvel at the impressiveness of that, if he didn't know exactly what it took to be able to do that so flawlessly. The amount of pain one had to hide, that one had to endure, to be able to mask it without so much as a flinch. To appear unyielding and unbending, when it was taking every bit of strength you had not to fall apart.

He knows how much it takes all too well. It's all too easy to see just as much of himself reflected in Kaz as he'd seen in Jesper - if in a completely different way. Although, he supposes, Jesper had been the mask he'd drawn around himself the same way Kaz now clutched his cane and drew himself upright.

He gives Kaz's question a serious moment of thought. Although when he asks him of a child's fantasies, all he can see is Miklan's face looming in his memory. When they were children, always pitted against one another, from the moment Sylvain drew his first breath. When they were older, with his brother's blood staining the lance that had been the root of every moment of hatred between them.

It felt silly, to admit that his biggest fantasy as a child, had been to not have Miklan look at him that way. To be brothers, like he'd watched Glenn and Felix be. It had been just as impossible a dream as any other he'd had over the years. Faerghus wasn't a place that was kind to naive dreams.

"I suppose I had some," he says instead, relieved when his voice comes out sounding normal. "Don't we all? I remember at one point wanting to be a famous wandering knight, riding throughout the lands and slaying monsters and bandits, rescuing damsels in distress. And there was definitely one summer when I wanted to run away and become a pirate, which seems really at odds with my knightly ambitions, looking back. For some reason, they'd struck me as more dashing. They certainly had a lesser reputation for sticks up their asses, that's for sure."

It's perhaps an evasive answer, but Sylvain has always been an expert at those. People rarely wanted to see ugly truths and much preferred the prettier alternative. Another one of those habits that comes to him as naturally as breathing. Give them what they want to see and everyone will be happier for it.