Something in his expression softens when he shoots that at him, almost as if he's jealous. It's true that his relationship with Yenenfer is complicated and anyone who showed interest would have to deal with that. It really was the type of thing Istredd would usually have said something about, but he'd been in the moment. "Maybe I should have talked to you about Yennefer and explained our situation, but Lucifer, I thought you would never want me. So it seemed like a moot point."
Why talk about that when it didn't matter? It also was about a part of him wanting Lucifer's jealousy just like he'd wanted it from Yennefer. Istredd is far from innocent here, he can be difficult too, maybe even a little manipulative at times. When he has feelings like this, they can be very irrational and strong, and he gets pulled out of his composure. It's why he is so deeply attracted to people who cause that, thus putting himself off kilter.
His anger slips away, always so hard to keep, the moment Lucifer calls himself a placeholder. Istredd looks genuinely surprised because it never would have occurred to him. "I would never do that. Wait, don't, Luci---" He had been struggling to get up a moment ago and now that he's free, he wishes Lucifer hadn't flown away. The distance between them stretches on from more than the concept of space. But he'd been afraid he would legitimately disappear, so at least he's staying.
The wall comes down and Istredd feels like the emotions are blending in so well they might as well be his. "No, no, no." Istredd shoots up from the bed and crosses to Lucifer in a second, kneeling down in front of him. Istredd is distressed at those terrible feelings especially since so many are assuming things about him, about them, and he pushes at him something strong and real.
This is more than adoration or affection or amusement, it's powerful and painful and if Lucifer's never felt love before, it may not make sense to him, but it can't be held back anymore. It's not kindness or pity or anger, it's pure and he has been holding back so long it might be a little much. Istredd reaches out with gentle shaking hands to touch his head, his knee, trying to give him comfort.
"I'm sorry, I should have known. I'm sorry." He knows Lucifer so well and yet he was willfully blind because of his own feelings. "This has nothing to do with Yennefer or anyone else. I kissed you because I want you. I --- fuck it, why am I still afraid?" That is said more to himself, frustrated, but it's true, he feels fear, but he breathes through it. "I love you. Please don't run, I just -- I can't help it."
That's where the fear comes from, that this will be too much, that he's gone over the line. Attraction they can admit to, affection, desire, those are all reasonable, but this is a lot. Istredd knows that, it's why he's been hiding it. Lucifer barely can handle caring for people, he probably doesn't want to think about something this strong, but. It's the truth.
no subject
Why talk about that when it didn't matter? It also was about a part of him wanting Lucifer's jealousy just like he'd wanted it from Yennefer. Istredd is far from innocent here, he can be difficult too, maybe even a little manipulative at times. When he has feelings like this, they can be very irrational and strong, and he gets pulled out of his composure. It's why he is so deeply attracted to people who cause that, thus putting himself off kilter.
His anger slips away, always so hard to keep, the moment Lucifer calls himself a placeholder. Istredd looks genuinely surprised because it never would have occurred to him. "I would never do that. Wait, don't, Luci---" He had been struggling to get up a moment ago and now that he's free, he wishes Lucifer hadn't flown away. The distance between them stretches on from more than the concept of space. But he'd been afraid he would legitimately disappear, so at least he's staying.
The wall comes down and Istredd feels like the emotions are blending in so well they might as well be his. "No, no, no." Istredd shoots up from the bed and crosses to Lucifer in a second, kneeling down in front of him. Istredd is distressed at those terrible feelings especially since so many are assuming things about him, about them, and he pushes at him something strong and real.
This is more than adoration or affection or amusement, it's powerful and painful and if Lucifer's never felt love before, it may not make sense to him, but it can't be held back anymore. It's not kindness or pity or anger, it's pure and he has been holding back so long it might be a little much. Istredd reaches out with gentle shaking hands to touch his head, his knee, trying to give him comfort.
"I'm sorry, I should have known. I'm sorry." He knows Lucifer so well and yet he was willfully blind because of his own feelings. "This has nothing to do with Yennefer or anyone else. I kissed you because I want you. I --- fuck it, why am I still afraid?" That is said more to himself, frustrated, but it's true, he feels fear, but he breathes through it. "I love you. Please don't run, I just -- I can't help it."
That's where the fear comes from, that this will be too much, that he's gone over the line. Attraction they can admit to, affection, desire, those are all reasonable, but this is a lot. Istredd knows that, it's why he's been hiding it. Lucifer barely can handle caring for people, he probably doesn't want to think about something this strong, but. It's the truth.