Istredd hasn't loved much either but he does know the feel of it. He's loved Yennefer for most of his life and it hasn't wavered, but he didn't think himself capable of finding it again. That's not to say he thinks only one love has to exist, it just seemed so impossible with him being withdrawn. With him being a nobody too. His other relationships never lasted because opening up couldn't happen. This only did happen because he didn't realize it until it was too late.
He knows what he feels is real. He doesn't expect Lucifer to say it back or even feel it back, this situation is not contingent on it being mutual. Istredd said what he meant, he spoke from the heart. It's out there. He finds himself not regretting it despite Lucifer seeming to struggle with the confession. He tentatively brushes his fingers through Lucifer's hair, nervous about this tension. Is he still allowed to touch him? He wants to, he wants his hands all over Lucifer. He'll settle for this. He still knees before him.
"I can," he counters. "I didn't talk about it because of what you said some time ago, about how you don't hook up like humans do." Istredd can see now that it could have several meanings, such as Lucifer doesn't care for one night stands. All this time he took it to me a flat truth, too difficult of a hurdle.
"So I accepted it was impossible and dealt with it." Hid it, stuffed it down, longed for him from afar. He couldn't talk about something he wasn't allowed to have.
"I've never talked to anyone more than you. We've already been domestic partners. All we'd have to do is make it official if you wanted." Istredd makes it sound so easy to obtain but his breath is practically caught, held to know if this is possible. "But Lucifer, I need you to put me out of my misery if you don't want me. I spent all this time waiting and hoping, and to get this close and lose it, it's hard to swallow." If he has to swallow it down he will. Losing his friendship is too terrible a thought. After everything they went through.
He's giving him an out and hoping he will ignore it. "What do you want to talk about? Yennefer? Our reunion was a surprise that's why I didn't shield you in time. We'd struggled before about that making it clear to one another where we were." Lucifer might remember that in the start he bitterly said she didn't care about him. They are far past that. "Once we did, we were able to talk through it and get to a good place. And to be frank, you say all the time you two are similar, and you have some personality traits in common, but you aren't the same person. You are both your own person. I love you for different reasons."
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He knows what he feels is real. He doesn't expect Lucifer to say it back or even feel it back, this situation is not contingent on it being mutual. Istredd said what he meant, he spoke from the heart. It's out there. He finds himself not regretting it despite Lucifer seeming to struggle with the confession. He tentatively brushes his fingers through Lucifer's hair, nervous about this tension. Is he still allowed to touch him? He wants to, he wants his hands all over Lucifer. He'll settle for this. He still knees before him.
"I can," he counters. "I didn't talk about it because of what you said some time ago, about how you don't hook up like humans do." Istredd can see now that it could have several meanings, such as Lucifer doesn't care for one night stands. All this time he took it to me a flat truth, too difficult of a hurdle.
"So I accepted it was impossible and dealt with it." Hid it, stuffed it down, longed for him from afar. He couldn't talk about something he wasn't allowed to have.
"I've never talked to anyone more than you. We've already been domestic partners. All we'd have to do is make it official if you wanted." Istredd makes it sound so easy to obtain but his breath is practically caught, held to know if this is possible. "But Lucifer, I need you to put me out of my misery if you don't want me. I spent all this time waiting and hoping, and to get this close and lose it, it's hard to swallow." If he has to swallow it down he will. Losing his friendship is too terrible a thought. After everything they went through.
He's giving him an out and hoping he will ignore it. "What do you want to talk about? Yennefer? Our reunion was a surprise that's why I didn't shield you in time. We'd struggled before about that making it clear to one another where we were." Lucifer might remember that in the start he bitterly said she didn't care about him. They are far past that. "Once we did, we were able to talk through it and get to a good place. And to be frank, you say all the time you two are similar, and you have some personality traits in common, but you aren't the same person. You are both your own person. I love you for different reasons."