It makes sense now that it's said. At the time Lucifer genuinely couldn't imagine wanting someone like that. This was all done over months of growing closeness for both of them. Istredd should have seen that but he was in his head too much about what he wanted and what he didn't think he could have.
It's also about being a nobody. It will always be a little bit about that. He is surrounded by extraordinary people and he doesn't feel like one of them. Lucifer's famous (for bad things, but still), an archangel with more power he can ever understand. His doubts about himself are still there, his self-esteem only slightly better than Lucifer's own. He doesn't hate himself but he thinks he is ordinary, boring. This all started because Lucifer kept seeming to find him interesting, special, wanted to protect him and chose his counsel over others.
"You're the one bringing her into this. I'd be happy for her to be out of our relationship from here on out." Not that he won't talk to her and clear some things up, he will do that. They are much better at communicating now and Lucifer did start this. But after that, he wants this to be his.
"I'm sorry but if we're going to make our way through this, we have to ask and answer questions. Otherwise we are going to keep having these problems where we're assuming things about each other." So clarification has to happen. It's not something Lucfier likes, he understands that, Istredd is more of a talker. He still avoided this out of his own fears about losing it. He continues to gently run his fingers through Lucifer's hair.
I don't not want you. Istredd sighs because it's still not enough. It isn't confirmation, it isn't reassurance. He understands he is asking so much from him but at the same time, it seems like the less they can be clear, the harder it will be to navigate this. He stays where he is, dropping his hand from Lucifer to look at his face. Eyes flicker to his lips, wanting more than anything to kiss him again, but he forces himself to look back up.
I'm going to tell you what I want. I want to be with you as more than friends. We don't have to label it or pick a title, I don't care about that. Mostly the big changes will be acknowledging our feelings and being comfortable with them, and, well. Istredd is old and has done this a few times before yet he still feels a little shy and awkward. But he started this. He flushes slightly all the same.
I want physical intimacy. I want to kiss you, and touch you, and have sex. It's not a dealbreaker if you aren't into it, but I want to be clear. I've been lusting after you for months. He has hidden it pretty well and only checked out Lucifer or admired him when he didn't notice. But it has been there the whole time. You're so attractive, he said last night, and it was one of the truest things he could say.
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It's also about being a nobody. It will always be a little bit about that. He is surrounded by extraordinary people and he doesn't feel like one of them. Lucifer's famous (for bad things, but still), an archangel with more power he can ever understand. His doubts about himself are still there, his self-esteem only slightly better than Lucifer's own. He doesn't hate himself but he thinks he is ordinary, boring. This all started because Lucifer kept seeming to find him interesting, special, wanted to protect him and chose his counsel over others.
"You're the one bringing her into this. I'd be happy for her to be out of our relationship from here on out." Not that he won't talk to her and clear some things up, he will do that. They are much better at communicating now and Lucifer did start this. But after that, he wants this to be his.
"I'm sorry but if we're going to make our way through this, we have to ask and answer questions. Otherwise we are going to keep having these problems where we're assuming things about each other." So clarification has to happen. It's not something Lucfier likes, he understands that, Istredd is more of a talker. He still avoided this out of his own fears about losing it. He continues to gently run his fingers through Lucifer's hair.
I don't not want you. Istredd sighs because it's still not enough. It isn't confirmation, it isn't reassurance. He understands he is asking so much from him but at the same time, it seems like the less they can be clear, the harder it will be to navigate this. He stays where he is, dropping his hand from Lucifer to look at his face. Eyes flicker to his lips, wanting more than anything to kiss him again, but he forces himself to look back up.
I'm going to tell you what I want. I want to be with you as more than friends. We don't have to label it or pick a title, I don't care about that. Mostly the big changes will be acknowledging our feelings and being comfortable with them, and, well. Istredd is old and has done this a few times before yet he still feels a little shy and awkward. But he started this. He flushes slightly all the same.
I want physical intimacy. I want to kiss you, and touch you, and have sex. It's not a dealbreaker if you aren't into it, but I want to be clear. I've been lusting after you for months. He has hidden it pretty well and only checked out Lucifer or admired him when he didn't notice. But it has been there the whole time. You're so attractive, he said last night, and it was one of the truest things he could say.