They both know they have communication issues on more than one level, so Istredd isn't surprised Lucifer still has strong feelings about this. He's entitled to them. He would rather them talk about it than not. He doesn't want at any point to be waiting months wondering what Lucifer feels about him. That time is over.
He is quiet for a few seconds as he takes in the anger and wraps an arm around Lucifer's waist, and lets his other hand slide soothingly through Lucifer's hair and cup the back of his neck.
"I can't express to you how terrifying it was. More than once I wanted it to be over." It was just so constant, so difficult. He was waiting to be poisoned or waiting for someone to kill him and then waiting to bleed out or waiting to die from an infected wound. At a point it felt like enough was enough. "I almost messaged you one last time to say goodbye. I didn't want to die without telling you the truth. I know it would have been selfish though."
Leaving Lucifer with the pain of loss and discovery all at once, and nothing to do with it except wonder what might have been. It was wrong and that is why ultimately Istredd didn't do it. What would it solve, telling him he loved him at the end? Nothing but pain. He drops his head down to kiss the top of Lucifer's. I can't promise I won't be self-sacrificial again, but I can promise to value my life more. Be more careful. Can that be enough?
mostly danced around it like usual so, tw for suicidal thoughts
He is quiet for a few seconds as he takes in the anger and wraps an arm around Lucifer's waist, and lets his other hand slide soothingly through Lucifer's hair and cup the back of his neck.
"I can't express to you how terrifying it was. More than once I wanted it to be over." It was just so constant, so difficult. He was waiting to be poisoned or waiting for someone to kill him and then waiting to bleed out or waiting to die from an infected wound. At a point it felt like enough was enough. "I almost messaged you one last time to say goodbye. I didn't want to die without telling you the truth. I know it would have been selfish though."
Leaving Lucifer with the pain of loss and discovery all at once, and nothing to do with it except wonder what might have been. It was wrong and that is why ultimately Istredd didn't do it. What would it solve, telling him he loved him at the end? Nothing but pain. He drops his head down to kiss the top of Lucifer's. I can't promise I won't be self-sacrificial again, but I can promise to value my life more. Be more careful. Can that be enough?