"I only had two people I cared for, who ... I suppose in their way cared for me too. But I was never going to be a priority."
Sometimes the hard part for Istredd when it comes to Stregobor is that he does think his mentor cared for him, it was just based around how much he could be impressed with himself about it. Narcissists can do that. He does believe he meant it when he said he thought he always wanted to protect the Brotherhood, and Istredd himself. Believing you mean it isn't the same thing as it being true.
Yennefer does love him, that at least he feels confident about. But not more than her ambition, back when they were younger. They have made peace here and he is more confident in his role in her life. So that turned out well, but only because they found themselves here together, leaning on one another.
"Having someone who truly loves you, for what feels like the first time, it can change someone, yes." And Istredd is talking about himself here, he is the one who loves. He does think Lucifer loves him and simply doesn't have the words to express it because he doesn't understand his feelings entirely. It's fine.
His eyes look for Lucifer again and he had noted he was dancing with Kyle, which was a little bit of a surprise. Kyle seems very reserved and they seem to have some contentious energy. He suspects he can ask Lucifer about it later. Istredd however freezes entirely for a second which makes dancing difficult and almost makes him trip over Kell, but it does look that Kyle is about to kiss Lucifer.
A wave of jealousy flows through him and it's one of those times the bond is more trouble than help. It doesn't matter to him that Kyle instead kisses his forehead. He's touching his face, too close to him, and Lucifer hates when people does that, so why isn't he pulling away? It isn't lost on him the unfortunate timing when he's talking about his love that something like that can shake him.
Kyle leaves and Lucifer is baffled, he can feel that back from him, but no matter how he'll protest later that it wasn't a big deal, Kell can see at least that in the actual moment of it, Istredd is genuinely upset. He snaps back after five seconds of silence, turning his attention back to Kell, and he flushes out of embarrassment. It would have been better if he was on his own, not with someone else to see his reaction.
"It's fine," he hurries to say before Kell questions his reaction or emotions that were on display.
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Sometimes the hard part for Istredd when it comes to Stregobor is that he does think his mentor cared for him, it was just based around how much he could be impressed with himself about it. Narcissists can do that. He does believe he meant it when he said he thought he always wanted to protect the Brotherhood, and Istredd himself. Believing you mean it isn't the same thing as it being true.
Yennefer does love him, that at least he feels confident about. But not more than her ambition, back when they were younger. They have made peace here and he is more confident in his role in her life. So that turned out well, but only because they found themselves here together, leaning on one another.
"Having someone who truly loves you, for what feels like the first time, it can change someone, yes." And Istredd is talking about himself here, he is the one who loves. He does think Lucifer loves him and simply doesn't have the words to express it because he doesn't understand his feelings entirely. It's fine.
His eyes look for Lucifer again and he had noted he was dancing with Kyle, which was a little bit of a surprise. Kyle seems very reserved and they seem to have some contentious energy. He suspects he can ask Lucifer about it later. Istredd however freezes entirely for a second which makes dancing difficult and almost makes him trip over Kell, but it does look that Kyle is about to kiss Lucifer.
A wave of jealousy flows through him and it's one of those times the bond is more trouble than help. It doesn't matter to him that Kyle instead kisses his forehead. He's touching his face, too close to him, and Lucifer hates when people does that, so why isn't he pulling away? It isn't lost on him the unfortunate timing when he's talking about his love that something like that can shake him.
Kyle leaves and Lucifer is baffled, he can feel that back from him, but no matter how he'll protest later that it wasn't a big deal, Kell can see at least that in the actual moment of it, Istredd is genuinely upset. He snaps back after five seconds of silence, turning his attention back to Kell, and he flushes out of embarrassment. It would have been better if he was on his own, not with someone else to see his reaction.
"It's fine," he hurries to say before Kell questions his reaction or emotions that were on display.