Istredd refuses to think anymore that Lucifer would play him. He never thought he would before, and when that thought came on him, terrifying at the time, it was the only time he doubted. Some day he may be proven wrong that he's an exception, that he's special, that Lucifer clings to this too much to ruin it. But not this day.
I promise I will always get annoyed when you put a book in the wrong place. No matter what I'm going through. Lucifer isn't entirely wrong though. If he had done that when Istredd first got back, or that first week or so in Thorne, he'd probably barely notice let alone do anything about it. He lost the fight in him, the ability to push back, even in the small insignificant petty moments. The person who telekinetically called a pen just so he could throw it in Lucifer's face when he was irritating him.
Maybe he did know that he's been muted and withdrawn, hiding in the Horizon frequently or in their room, and he's tried more and more. But just because he was physically out and about didn't mean he was entirely there. Istredd sighs and keeps the book close to his heart, despite not even caring that much about it. It's not about the title.
"I don't know," he says finally, and it may be one of the few times it's him saying those three words so firmly. Istredd always has an answer and something to say. He is either very wordy or absolutely silent, but he hates admitting to not know something. Even if he doesn't know something, he will have a list of ways to learn. This sounds solid, like the weight of accepting he doesn't have ten answers to one thing is heavy on him.
It seems stupid to let a month of trauma affect me this long. It's frustrating. It makes me feel weak. This is after Istredd spent all those weeks feeling undeniably weak too, nothing being good enough. He remembers lying down with Yennefer and giving up entirely, until she tried to get him to keep breathing. And it is particularly infuriating because I want you to see me in my best light now that we're together but I'm still just this.
It's almost unfortunate that they got together when Istredd was at his most traumatized, and he knows that it was part of what made Lucifer doubt it in the start too. It required him to be this vulnerable in order to reach out, but like anyone starting a new relationship, he wants to be impressive and attractive and strong and it is the opposite.
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I promise I will always get annoyed when you put a book in the wrong place. No matter what I'm going through. Lucifer isn't entirely wrong though. If he had done that when Istredd first got back, or that first week or so in Thorne, he'd probably barely notice let alone do anything about it. He lost the fight in him, the ability to push back, even in the small insignificant petty moments. The person who telekinetically called a pen just so he could throw it in Lucifer's face when he was irritating him.
Maybe he did know that he's been muted and withdrawn, hiding in the Horizon frequently or in their room, and he's tried more and more. But just because he was physically out and about didn't mean he was entirely there. Istredd sighs and keeps the book close to his heart, despite not even caring that much about it. It's not about the title.
"I don't know," he says finally, and it may be one of the few times it's him saying those three words so firmly. Istredd always has an answer and something to say. He is either very wordy or absolutely silent, but he hates admitting to not know something. Even if he doesn't know something, he will have a list of ways to learn. This sounds solid, like the weight of accepting he doesn't have ten answers to one thing is heavy on him.
It seems stupid to let a month of trauma affect me this long. It's frustrating. It makes me feel weak. This is after Istredd spent all those weeks feeling undeniably weak too, nothing being good enough. He remembers lying down with Yennefer and giving up entirely, until she tried to get him to keep breathing. And it is particularly infuriating because I want you to see me in my best light now that we're together but I'm still just this.
It's almost unfortunate that they got together when Istredd was at his most traumatized, and he knows that it was part of what made Lucifer doubt it in the start too. It required him to be this vulnerable in order to reach out, but like anyone starting a new relationship, he wants to be impressive and attractive and strong and it is the opposite.