"It wasn't healthy and I was fooling myself." Istredd knows that now. "In the start, it was merely an interest. Then an attraction. Then an infatuation. Then love. Then being in love. It was a process." So it was easier for him in the earlier stages to sort of shrug it off. There were plenty of ways that he could convince himself that it was no big deal to have feelings for him. They would go away, right? That's how these things happened.

I'm not used to getting what I want. It's always conditional. He rejected Yennefer because he couldn't see them as long-lasting, in their sphere. Why keep the pain? But the pain continued.

Well until you told me later, I thought when you kissed me, it was because you'd been secretly harboring feelings like I did all along. It wouldn't occur to him that Lucifer didn't know until that minute. The risk seemed like a good chance at that point. Lucifer was receptive, he was letting him touch him. He still thought that even after it got messed up.

"I'm grateful, believe me. Beyond grateful. I fucked it up a little, but I'm glad we got here." Istredd can acknowledge this was overall his problem.