abraxaslogs | I don't trust, but I see right in front of me

Uh huh.

He drops his gaze again so Kell doesn't feel pressed by the weight of it.

"I'm the top student when it comes to shoving things down that should likely be spoken about," Lucifer says carefully. "But I won't push."

He probably should. How many of them here are actually fine when they say so. Wall it all up.

"It's fine. It's not as if I can run away from it forever."

Kell bites his lower lips, the most visible sign of distress that he ever displays.

"I waltzed into a trap like an idiot. Willingly. Ended in a cage designed to keep Antari like me confined. Upgraded to slowly drain my magic from me. All the while people who did this to me planned an invasion on my home country. Which I was supposed to protect, and instead I run away from it. Run a way from my duty. I run away even from Rhy."

There. The last one is the worst part.

"And when the collar closed on my neck I knew how much I fucked up this time, but it was too late. I could do nothing but scream and thrash against my shackles. I broke both my wrists to get out, but could do nothing about the collar. I just lied there on the floor of a cage bleeding out."

Saying it out loud when he's been reliving his nightmare over and over again ever since he was Summoned, it seems all too easy. Now that he started, Kell can't stop. Maybe it's the company. It's certain to raise a few eyebrows, but Lucifer is one of few people Kell feels safe enough with to venture into such dangerous territory. It helps that he doesn't push, that he doesn't sugar coat anything for his sake.

"I blacked out. I thought I died. Next thing I knew, Ambrose's lackeys were dragging me from the Summoning pool still broken and bleeding, but free from the irons."

He raises both hands up, peeling up the sleeves of his shirt to bare his wrists, and jagged, white lines running round each one.

"I still have the scars here, and one on the neck from the collar."

He glances over only to trace his gaze over the scars. Likely having Kyle by his neck against a tree in those woods didn't help much for multiple reasons, sorry, Kell.

"I was thrown and locked into a Cage for much of my life. I'd done things, sure, much against my family, but my Father wasn't looking for a solution. That's not the point." Rare does Lucifer not seek the opportunity to press the unfairness of his life.

"Wanda had asked me once if I'd rather die than be locked up like that again."

He tilts his head, but doesn't look away from his work.

Lucifer isn't the type to offer empty condolences.

When you're in a situation like this you don't want things like 'I'm sorry that happened to you.' You don't even want 'it won't happen again.'

Escape plans are great and all.

But making sure it can't happen again? If you were caught? That's important.

"I'd offer you the same consideration."

Kell did not expect cuddling from Lucifer. He did not expect well-meaning platitudes. So he's not surprised or offended at the question. In fact, he did think about it. He did consider several scenarios, and his reactions to them. But there's one factor that he believes makes his situation unique.

"My life is not only my own. Were it so, the answer would have been simple."

Besides Antari are famously difficult to kill. Blood will always protect its own vessel.

Your life should always be your own, he wants to say, and it's annoying, annoying that it can't be, annoyed that Kell's so held up by family or whatever is there, that maybe it's guilt for running, maybe it's overwhelming--useless duty. When has duty ever done any of them any good.

"Can I ask you something?"

He's not really looking for permission, because he's going to ask anyway.

"When Kyle and I found you in the woods..." When Kell found them, but, semantics. He knows even bringing this up when Lucifer was so against explaining what Kell walked in on is risky. He's picking at something though, so he'll have to. "You turned white as the snow around us when Kyle mentioned Rhy needing you. Why?" Was it related to the story Kell just told him or something else?

"Oh, that silly thing."

Kell attempts to shrug off any potential concern, but he's not as good at hiding what he feels as he likes to think. There's a brief flash of that old pain, like a knife cutting deep to the bone, crossing his face before it settles into just plain sad.

"I need him too, and he wasn't there. He wasn't the one to come to my rescue."

Kell looks up to Lucifer, sadness gone replace by grim determination.

"Don't get me wrong. He wasn't there because I insisted he shouldn't. We decided this together. I told him myself that I will be fine, and he should go where his skills can make a difference. And I was right. He did. He's just that good."

Kell lets out a short laugh. Not a happy one. No.

"I wanted him to drop everything and come save me. I wanted him to be the one to find me. I wanted to be more important than anything else. And I haven't told him any of this when we spoke in the Horizon that first time after almost a month that I was able to access it after breaking out of the cave. He'd probably do this. He would have dropped everything."

Probably. It's unfair for him to ever doubt Rhy. He had never given him any reasons for that. And yet...

"Instead, I agreed with him that he should go with the other team. That I know from Viktor you were coming, and I'm perfectly fine with it. That it is the right thing to do. That all those that stayed in that horrid cave needed his negotiation skills more than me wishing he'd just hold my hand. Because they did! And we will see each other in Nocwich, I just needed to wait a little longer. Surely, I could manage that."

It felt like stabbing yourself with a knife, over and over, and over again.

"So you see, silly."

Silly, right.

He can imagine the completely mythical situation that had a time where him and Michael weren't enemies and wanting Michael to 'save him' but knowing that he was needed elsewhere and how terrible he'd feel, anyway.

He relates to Kell in a lot of ways but relating to his relationship with Rhy is always the worst.

"And so you want to make your life choices around this guy, anyway," Lucifer states. It's not fair to. He knows it's not. But when has he ever been fair? "Has he even given as much to you as you keep giving to him to what, make up for running away?"

Kell closes his eyes shaking his head. No, no, this is all wrong. Lucifer gets it all wrong. The way he makes it sound, he simply doesn't understand. But can anyone? They cannot. They weren't there. They don't know Holland. They don't know his adopted parents. How could they understand?

"Yes." It's a short answer. "He did. He had. So much. He was there for me before anyone else. Before anyone even thought it worth a try."

It's a meagre attempt at expressing the totality of what he feels. Another feeble attempt at explaining himself. A failed one, since it misses one crucial bit.

"I love him."

Not a lot better.

For anyone else that might be enough.

For Lucifer, who understands just as many layers and levels, he needs more than that.

Because the Beginning doesn't matter.

"Does he love you?"

"He does."

It's in his whole posture, how he suddenly lights up, straightens up, weight, years, worries lifting by those two words. It's painfully obvious how fresh it is.

"It's a bit more complicated than just that."

They're not exclusive. Kell doesn't mind sharing. He's grateful to have anything. That they can be anything more than they've ever been back in Arnes.

"It always is." More complicated than that.

He blows out a breath.

Who is he to call Kell and idiot right then.

He shifts down along the flowerbed to a new patch in lieu of responding further right away.

"So if you were captured again, what would you want?"

"Break free. Whatever it takes."

Like he did the first time. Rather, like he tried.

"That's what I tried then. They fished me out of the summoning pond pretty broken, you know."

Both of his hands were broken - a self-inflicted injury while he was trying to free himself from the shackless Holland had put him in. A nasty, bleeding, open wound where the collar has been. There's still a thin white line crossing his neck. A scar. Almost invisible, unless you know where to look.

He sighs.

Well, it wasn't like he didn't figure it.

He's of a similar mind, himself. Whether it be limbs or blood or honestly bleeding grace, losing pieces of himself or taking as many casualties with him as he could.

He won't be kept under lock and key for longer than a day. The last time was an exception. It had to stuff down every piece of him to not lash out like a monster.

"Whatever it takes," he agrees.

This had been a lighter conversation to start with. Sorry, Kell.

But it was nonetheless an important one.

"I would have most likely disappeared into Nott at the first occasion I got, if I was here alone."

Portals are not the only ways of transportation. Who knows if he was able to go far enough from the castle maybe his own skill would come back eventually. It didn't in the pit, but the pit was specifically magically fortified against any and all magic, so no surprise there.

But all such idle musing are moot in his current situation. He can sleep on the ground as long as it's dry and not too warm, not too cold. He doesn't mind wearing the same clothes until they fall apart, as long as they're clean. He doesn't need jewellery. He doesn't need fancy food or wine. But Rhy does. Kell would never rob him of even a tiny amount of comfort if he has any say on the matter.

"I'm not leaving without Rhy, and without knowing I will be able to support the quality of life he's used to, at least partially. Even here, we're poor by our previous standards."

Besides, he's a city guy, he'd probably survive a week in the wilderness, but not much longer.

"Yes, I'm sure you're used to a much different kind of class, but thankfully Thorne does provide us with everything we could need," he says this mildly, but his expression is pointed, sharp.

Always the cautioned, careful step. He's warned Kell before to be careful with his words and it's funny that it had been in the gardens, it's funny that he had threatened to kill Kell if Wilhelm was harmed for any slip.

It's funny because he'd be in quite the predicament now. It'd be near impossible to choose one over the other and in the end Lucifer would likely just choose himself to avoid such silly complications.

(He doesn't want to consider how strong a lie that is.)

At this point, Kell is already trained well enough to recognize the danger from Lucifer's tone alone. He doesn't need his words to reflect that, even if they do.

"They indeed do. I mean, we do lack in the hats department, but I believe that's more of a cultural thing."

He turns the whole thing into a joke in the end. Just in case anyone listened. But he's grateful for the warning. They are still on the castle grounds. You can never be sure who can be listening, even on accident, so it's better to be careful. Kell catches himself sliding into carelessness if he's comfortable with the company. Way too honest for his own good. And Lucifer is one of the few, four to be precise, people he feels safe with to talk openly.

The deflection gets the briefest smile of approval from Lucifer.

They all learn, little by little. Maybe Lucifer's paranoia is unwarranted. Maybe Thorne doesn't care, isn't always potentially listening in and prying. Maybe it's just Lucifer feeling caged and seeing the worst of a situation and he's bringing them all down with his dark-clouded thoughts.

Maybe it could all be fine and the rumors of experiments on the Summoned is untrue.

Will he risk it? Will he ever risk it?

No.

If what he's instilled in them ever saves their lives just once, even out of a hundred moments, it will be worth it. They're not immortal. And Lucifer's own life is... ehhhh... questionable what he can take.

"A shame, too. You could pull off a good hat, I think."

Kell shrugs, with a smile that supports their current spin on their conversation. Just in case. Nobody should feel too safe on the castle grounds. This is not a place to let his guard down. It never was.

"Historically speaking, I did. And not one. I had a few quite nice ones back home."

Kell stands up to stretch, rolls his shoulders and straightens his back. His whole body aches from being bent and contorted while crouching to pull out the weeds.

"Saints, I never suspected this whole gardening thing is such a tough job!"

Edited (no day without edit) 2023-07-29 16:48 (UTC)

"We'll get you some hats, eventually," he says reassuringly.

The thing is: he probably means it.

"Oh, don't be a quitter, get back to work." This is Lucifer's punishment which means he needs help, but he doesn't say that. "I need to get a bit more of this done before I can stop for the day."

If you help he'll be done faster!!

"Alright, alright! I wasn't trying to abandon you! I was just stretching my legs. This is back-breaking labour! I can't believe they don't have a spell for it!"

Both of the thing he says are bullshit. First, because Kell has not a clue how an actual back-breaking labour even looks like. Second, because he does know how caring for the plants does. You're either a priest perfectly balanced in your elements, or you do it manually. Life is delicate.

Neither stops him from complaining when given a chance. What were you expecting, Lucifer?

I don't trust, but I see right in front of me

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it's been a wild ride, and very satisfying, but maybe let's finish their gardening philosophy soon?

yes that's fine! Kell can either leave him to his devices (misery) or fade to them just working?

let's have it fade to them just working, he's a good kid