abraxaslogs | I don't trust, but I see right in front of me

Lucifer does make a face at the thought, and it's not a Hmmm Intriguing thought but an agreed Nah That'd Be Gross. Not that Istredd can see him, but the feeling is conveyed enough with the expression.

"More like we need a poncho," Lucifer says. "'Greater fabric protection' doesn't help when I get soaked in blood, it'll just be a waste of material and efforts. I'd still have to burn the outfit." Burning is preferable, to him, anyway. Thorne must have cleaning spells (he hasn't paid attention to the freely available clothing), but there's basic volumes of mess and there's the travesty that Lucifer currently is, thick and grimy and weighed down by it all.

Nice in the moment--freshness, as he had said--noooot so nice later on.

"Additional protection only matters if you've got something that doesn't absorb the fluids."

He tucks away glands in another separate pouch, same method as before. Istredd might catch the blue glow at the corner of his vision, there and gone again.

"Two more and then we can go," he says, almost soothingly.

"We could ask the native hunters, surely they don't destroy their clothes every time they go out. There probably is a usable spell."

Istredd will look into it because it's not as if he has a ton of clothes. They could keep asking Thorne for more, which he assumes Lucifer has been doing, but it's annoying. Although it might also be annoying to Thorne, which makes it a little more fun. He doesn't ever actively push back against Thorne authority in order to keep positive influence, but little petty things aren't the worst.

But if there is a spell to protect clothing so neither of them end up in gore, that would actively be the better option. He'll look into it. Istredd normally finds what he's looking for.

"I've never seen you come back like this, I assume you change before coming back?" Now that the blood isn't going to be useful to him, it's making him feel weighed down and sticky, so he is going to look forward to that bath.

"You can be the socialite," he says, with some amount of Amusement. Lucifer doesn't care enough to ask. If Istredd does, he can go and be the social one of the two of them. Frankly, Lucifer's played a good game at ugh being involved.

Arguably they're werewolves (and vampires) so he's not entirely sure clothing is even in their consideration.

Clothing Optional, maybe?

(Is he stereotypical? Probably.)

"I typically divert to the baths first," he says. And makes due with changing out outfits because while he has zero care for the Crown, the servants do know his preferred attire, so he does VAGUELY try to not be a Complete Pain for them. Istredd made a comment once about how Lucifer pays attention to the disenfranchised but it's still towards whatever serves him best. They just happen to be it.

"Ugh," Istredd grumbles, wrinkling his nose at the concept of being a socialite. But. He more or less has become closer to one these days. Teaching and researching has provided him with some standing and he is very good at seeming polite about everything Thorne while privately harboring as much hate as Lucifer.

Maybe he did pick up enough from his upbringing to not do so terrible in a court. He dislikes that, but it's useful. "Maybe, though." He can be friendly enough to get information about clothes. They can just continue to get clothes from Thorne but Istredd is a mage. He looks for ways magic can be useful, always.

"Good idea, I've never had to wash blood off, you may have to scrub my back." He's teasing. It's the truth though. Unless you count when he came back from the Pit, so covered in blood and dirt and mud that he couldn't really bathe himself well at all. They had to clean out his infected wound, it was unpleasant. But that's the closest to gross he's been here.

"Your training paid off. I told you I was paying attention." Not that Lucifer would allow anything else, but Istredd tried.

"I wouldn't risk allowing you into solely physical combat if you 'hadn't been paying attention' to your training," Lucifer says dryly.

He finishes securing his promised 'last two' parts from the corpse, shucks off some of the extra gooey bits from his hands with minor levels of care, and then he's shifted in flight to pressed completely against Istredd's back, all ten fingers dug into him like claws, dragging down slightly.

The layers of fabric between his nails and Istredd's skin ruins some of the effect.

"If you wanted me to wash your back all you had to do was ask," he says lowly, matching the teasing and going beyond, his mouth besides Istredd's ear, breath cool, "you didn't have to get so dirty."

"Oh you wouldn't risk me, would you? My protector. I appreciate the effort you've made." He smiles and looks out into the forest, not entirely aware of how far Lucifer's at. Istredd does assume he will wipe off a lot of the gore solely to keep him from getting sick. He's considerate that way, also it would be disgusting for both of them.

He doesn't know that Lucifer is done until he feels him come close and dig his nails into him. His breath catches since he likes feeling Lucifer's nails on him and then he's whispering into his ear. Istredd turns his head slightly toward him when he does, his heart beating faster.

"Yes I did. How else can I trap my archangel without appealing to his tastes?" Bloody, as they've established. Istredd soaks in the affection, leaning back into him. He moves a hand up to hook around Lucifer's neck from this position and into his blonde hair, getting it a little bloodier. He's not inclined to pull out of Lucifer's embrace any time soon.

"You are a menace," he scolds but he is in no way serious. He's smiling.

Excuse you, he's gotten much more careful with his possessions in the past several months. Weird that it only takes a nasty kidnapping and some screwed-up, trauma-inducing, rituals to make someone take extra care of their things.

(People.)

Lucifer takes far too much pleasure in that caught breath and escalated heartbeat, feeling it through the skin at Istredd's neck.

"Inventive way of 'sussing' out that trap." As though any of this trip turned out to be on purpose and not just sheer happenstance that they stumbled upon. But it's working out for them in the end.

"Lucky I'm your menace."

Lucky depending who you asked, anyway. Which would. Only really be Istredd who would agree.

... And maybe Wilhelm and Kell.

Istredd would only roll his eyes at the things vs people debate. Whatever way Lucifer wants to see his loved ones as, it's all the same thing in the end. And he's never minded someone being possessive of him.

Quite the opposite.

He turns in Lucifer's arms but doesn't step out of his space, moving his hands over his disgusting shirt and past his shoulders, hooking around his neck. "I told you to stay ten feet away from me." As if that seems to ever be able to stop either of them. Their separate touch starvation only makes them hungrily wrapped up in each other at all times.

Istredd leans in and deliberately bites Lucifer's bottom lip hard enough to draw blood. Apparently blood is getting very involved in their current situation. There is no doubt that he is intentionally provoking him and then he pushes away from him, smirking.

At least he's upgraded to 'things' instead of simply 'toys.' Playthings to the divine. See? He's improving.

This. This is karma. For a lot of things Lucifer didn't even realize he was at fault for! Buuuut.......... a lot that he was aware of ever since he possessed the knowledge so.... karma.

There is zero break in Lucifer's posture and appearance. No reaction at all to Istredd pushing away from him.

However, there is a notable dropped reaction across their thoughts, like he's accidentally lost hold of something, unexpected.

It's been awhile since he's had such a difference in physical versus mental.

He huffs lightly after he realizes it, too.

"Ten feet is not enough," he says, as though a larger distance would work any better than ten feet. He has to shake himself, thanks a bunch, Istredd. "I've gotten everything I need." From the dead body, anyway!! "Let's get out of here before we," Lucifer, "slip up."

That smugness is back as Lucifer usually has the upper hand in these situations and being the tempting one is definitely fun. He may have to do it more often. He grins at Lucifer after he has to shake himself. The best part of a new relationship is learning all these details, and Istredd can't find it in him to be sorry that he's walking out of the forest looking like a nightmare.

"Then I guess my goal in the future will have to be to get you to slip up." He's very amused. The reality is that they wouldn't be able to find many chances to utilize the blood aspect. Istredd may be a little drunk on adrenaline and lust at the moment, don't mind him.

"Alright, what do I have to carry? No better way to get my mind out of the gutter than that." Then his focus will have to be on making it without feeling overly queasy.

Looking like a nightmare to some, looking like a snack (actual) to others, looking like a snack (lustful) to Lucifer.

"Just don't do it in a forest full of murder that could kill us both for that slip up," Lucifer warns, but Istredd wouldn't risk that. ...Hopefully. The warning is there, either way.

He holds up his arms. "Everything of value is secured in pouches or on my back. You could carry me, but that's not very helpful for the predicament at hand."

"Thank you for the compliment that you'd be so distracted you wouldn't be able to focus on protecting us." Istredd is not going to stop grinning. He's scented blood of a different kind and he is going to keep lapping at it.

"We could put up shields and wards. The point is there won't be a lot of opportunities when we'll be like this." And that means the idea of having sex covered in blood will be more difficult to make real. "We could always save enough money to rent a room and go there next time. We could make it back quickly." And then they'll make that rented room like a murder scene.

Sometimes seduction requires some thought if it has a precise need such as 'I want you covered in wet hot blood.' If Lucifer isn't likely to throw down his inhibitions out here, a plan probably is required. And Istredd is methodical.

"Stay over there. We can't be trusted."

Istredd wouldn't be finding the humor of it after they were both maimed and not in a fun-happy way.

(Lucifer there is no fun-happy way to being maimed.

Says who?)

'The point is there won't be a lot of opportunities when we'll be like this.'

Them's fighting words, Istredd. And clearly a lack of creativity. He doesn't say as much but the open-amusement following the words in answer is there.

"And save enough money for the extra 'cleaning fee' that gets tacked on afterwards," he says, which isn't in discouragement. That amusement kicks up exponentially. Would you even be able to look the staff in the eyes on our way out?

Lucifer makes a full 360 spin in show when told they can't be trusted. They can't. At all.

What are they going to do? Sacrifice an animal in their room so they can get like this again? Istredd is standing by his theory they won't have a lot of opportunities. Unless they go hunting in Thorne, which may be safer in terms of things that can kill them, but not quite so dramatic.

"It would be worth it." Istredd says that with conviction. Certainty. They're already poor most of the time, go ahead and blame him for saying he'd spend what little money they get for the two of them to have sex like this. He is not ashamed. I doubt we're the strangest hook ups that go through there. There are vampires and werewolves here. Who knows what they get up to.

He would probably not look them in the eye but there is also a reason he keeps all their PDA very innocent like holding hands or light touches. Mostly because he can't trust himself, like he can't trust them.

You know all the times I fantasized about us, this never came to mind. He chuckles. Lucifer knows that he's wanted him a long time, it shouldn't be a surprise he thought about it. Extensively. That part he may be a little embarrassed about.

It's a cryin' shame Lucifer doesn't have access to his healing capabilities (though that would be added to the rank of Greatest Joke Against Lucifer if he did have that instead of, say, his barely-there smiting capabilities), because that could... open up more, ah, unconventional means.

But he is satisfied with Istredd's answer.

Then your mind's played it too safe. "Take the big risks, find the thrill!" Of your imagination? Whatever. He tosses a piercing look over his shoulder as they walk, all the lilt gone from his voice as he points out, "Though you did take that first, big risk. That leap." In trying, in potentially risking their friendship and putting them completely into unknown territory.

It's a weird credit to give but Istredd should get it, anyway.

(It's also far better than Lucifer saying 'aw, you're adorable' because Istredd's already a touch embarrassed and it comes too close to laughing at Istredd, which would not be his actual intention.)

You have no idea how safe it was playing. Istredd smiles, shaking his head. At one point the extent of my fantasizing was holding your hand, maybe a kiss if I was very lucky. He didn't think Lucifer would be open to any of this, so yes this is thrilling and strange and he likes all of it. He still is just grateful to have any of it. Any touch, any look, any smile. It's exceeded expectations.

"You could have rejected me and I would have never brought it up again." That is definitely what Istredd expected. That is why the kiss made him genuinely shocked. They've gone over the reasons why that probably wasn't the best first kiss in terms of feelings and complications, but the feelings behind it were real. Istredd looks ahead and not at Lucifer. Ten feet and no looking.

It was because you let me touch you, I started to have hope. Not only that night but also before during their reunion, when he cupped Lucifer's face for the first time and Lucifer let it happen. He didn't pull away. They were intimately close like that for the first time. From there it was only a matter of time.

Unrequited love is the worst. You'll never have to know what that's like, luckily.

Wow, Istredd.

Just, wow.

"Yeah, and have it buried deep, deep into your thoughts, deeper than your initial feelings, and left to fester," Lucifer says, skeptical. Lucifer is the King of Suppression but that doesn't mean he thinks it's a particularly healthy method. He'd do all the looking between the two of them if he wasn't leading the way, though Istredd might be able to recognize some of their route now.

Your idea of hope was still wildly playing with a game of chance since I didn't know what I wanted until, hmm, the possibility.

Predictably, he makes no comment in response to the last part.

"It wasn't healthy and I was fooling myself." Istredd knows that now. "In the start, it was merely an interest. Then an attraction. Then an infatuation. Then love. Then being in love. It was a process." So it was easier for him in the earlier stages to sort of shrug it off. There were plenty of ways that he could convince himself that it was no big deal to have feelings for him. They would go away, right? That's how these things happened.

I'm not used to getting what I want. It's always conditional. He rejected Yennefer because he couldn't see them as long-lasting, in their sphere. Why keep the pain? But the pain continued.

Well until you told me later, I thought when you kissed me, it was because you'd been secretly harboring feelings like I did all along. It wouldn't occur to him that Lucifer didn't know until that minute. The risk seemed like a good chance at that point. Lucifer was receptive, he was letting him touch him. He still thought that even after it got messed up.

"I'm grateful, believe me. Beyond grateful. I fucked it up a little, but I'm glad we got here." Istredd can acknowledge this was overall his problem.

What a weird process. Humans are so weird. It's like they got wired all wrong. Soldered some connections together that shouldn't have been made. Jury-rigged together, functionally broken.

And yet.

Lucifer is a transcendent being. Perfection at its peak, no flaws to the celestial makeup of his form--even the hellish veins, fiery pulses, fit together with him in the only arrangement they can.

There is no other formation that Lucifer as Archangel could be.

And yet he is fundamentally, equally flawed.

"Ehhhh, I already told you, we can go halvsies on who fucked what up," he says, and then makes a little wobble of one of his hands, "well, no, you a sliiiight bit more." Which is ten times nicer than Lucifer calling Istredd the screw-up when he finally confronted him in the makeshift Nocwich hospital, but finally giving Istredd some more shit for it than he did when they were in Nott. Proper levels are important.

Edited 2023-08-04 05:51 (UTC)

Istredd would simply laugh if he thought Lucifer considered anything about himself perfect. In the sweetest way possible. Because he loves him but he wouldn't love anything perfect. The flaws are what stick with him.

"Yes, me more," he agrees. Istredd is better at taking personal responsibility on these things. That's partly Lucifer's influence too. He can be very reckless and thoughtless, as his lover has pointed out to him, although he wouldn't call anything about his feelings for Lucifer reckless. He avoided them out of fear of risk.

"I didn't realize I wanted you until you said you weren't interested in people and I felt a crushing sense of disappointment. It was very bad timing to learn I had feelings." Istredd just explained the process from step to step it took, but that gut feeling of sadness at a door closing on something he didn't know he wanted was a real bad moment.

"I've had my heart broken before. I wasn't in a hurry to feel that again." Lucifer may remember that fear he had of being a placeholder, or of Istredd being kind to him and how that would have been the worst. Kindness with rejection is still rejection. He didn't want him to regret it. Istredd isn't trying to bring up Yennefer on purpose, but it is relevant. Experiencing something that devastating would make it hard to decide to willingly walk into it again.

"And then you said your feelings for me were unparalleled and I decided I couldn't live without knowing." This was post-Pit when he had to look at his future and decide what it would be, so it ended up being easy in the end. Istredd steps a little closer to him, three feet away rather than ten, but so far so good.

"But we're here now tempted to be defiled covered in blood in a dangerous forest, so it worked out. My only real regret is that you had to feel any pain at all." Even if it was temporary during his meltdown, Istredd will always want to protect him from bad feelings. "You're mine. That's all I wanted." A pause. "Okay maybe I wanted a little bit more." Thus, the defilement.

Edited 2023-08-04 17:53 (UTC)

Get another glimpse at Lucifer's true form and try to tell him that it's not perfection, regardless Lucifer's mixed-bag of emotions that have come out of it over time.

It's just facts of being a celestial entity, sorry Istredd.

Lucky for him, everything else about Lucifer is Highly Flawed.

So.

Winning still?

The fact that Lucifer can, and has to, separate his time in Abraxas as pre and post pit says a lot. They've had some heavy-hitting problems before. But the pit? (Was it even a pit? Lucifer was never there, never wanted any concrete details or memories from Istredd, it just seems the simplest breakdown. Put a long-winded complicated scenario into one three-letter basic nothingness of a word. Pit. Pit.)

The pit cracked something in every single Summoned across Abraxas--he's almost sure of that statement.

And some screwed-up part of Lucifer is glad for it.

"You can't know there's anything better without pain," he says, oddly soft in spite of that twisted point of view of his, but he does believe it, in the same way as, "just as no one can no light without darkness."

(And you don't know you want something until you realize you 'can't' have it, but he doesn't say that one. Istredd's the living embodiment of that one.)

Istredd reaches out to catch Lucifer's hand. Even if there's gore on it still, at this point, he's going to take it. Everything is in pouches and it is unlikely he is going to try and seduce Lucifer again. Probably. The two of them sometimes are all over the place but that's the way Istredd likes it. He wants love that's wild and senseless and consuming. While also, at least for the two of them, sometimes sweet and relaxing too.

"I don't know how much longer it would have gone on for, if not for the Pit." That is the term they're all using. Istredd would say it was more or less that, yeah. A giant fishbowl of earth and trapped in darkness. No way out, at least for awhile.

He means the two of them. How long Istredd would have held back, certain it was unrequited? If it would have taken months or years. That trauma made it happen sooner, they both know that. If Istredd hadn't been hiding under the bed, if Lucifer hadn't been broken thinking he was gone.

So how does he figure out this strange in-between feeling of wishing it never happened and grateful that since it did, he got something special out of it? And Istredd got a few things out of it. Friendships. The decision to keep living. Realization that he was stronger than he thought. And certainty of what he wanted after he made it.

He runs his thumb affectionately along Lucifer's knuckles.

"I would have cracked eventually. You're very tempting."

'Unlikely' yeah okay Istredd, who are you fooling.

"I don't know, you're pretty stubborn, and I'm very blind," he says, which really in an accurate summation of what happened. Lucifer would not have noticed on his own even if Istredd hadn't been hiding his thoughts because he wouldn't be able to recognize what the hell to do with it all and still assumed cross-wires for whatever bullshit reason he could come up with.

Because that initial thought of no one ever chooses him would still be a blaring alarm and Istredd is kind.

"I think maybe another year. But in the situation we're in here? Something insane happens every few months so there would probably be other times when emotions ran too high."

It needed a catalyst, that much is clear. A reason for them both to be upset and vulnerable enough to cross lines and not stop. The Pit was an obvious one, but he thinks something like the gods a second time could do it, there were other ways he could slip his guard and try to cling to Lucifer. The inevitability of confession is the point.

"I wasn't able to stop it. I tried." He did. Logic it away, remind himself that their friendship was too precious, reminded himself daily that Lucifer wasn't interested as he self-proclaimed. It was an active effort to let it go so he could move on with his life. And none of it worked. Love for him is useless to fight against.

He squeezes Lucifer's hand. "Remember when I told you that no one ever prioritized me, until you?" He said it while explaining how much it meant to him that Lucifer would pick him over revenge against Dean, that Yennefer would not do that, no one would. Istredd is used to be overlooked. "Sorry to be sentimental, but this thing we have? It's everything I wanted for myself." And something no one else could provide him, or wanted to provide him.

Something insane happening every few months feels like an understatement.

Every time Lucifer tries to get a foothold he's lost scrambling to whatever else is going wrong and when the dust settles he's just trying to catch his breath. Usually before this place Lucifer was on the other side of that, so maybe it's just... a bit of forced-humbling.

Istredd had talked hundreds of years in longing but that felt more abstract.

Another year is not.

It's funny, with this being everything Istredd wanted, but Lucifer having no concept, no thoughts about it. But just like their bond the thought of being without it is staggering.

What they had was fine, what they had would've kept him functioning and thriving and whatever else.

But comparable to what they gained... to imagine not having it...

Lucifer would argue no one prioritized Istredd because of the fact that he didn't want to risk opening his heart up so it was just a looped cycle of nothing ever going to change, but he does understand--of course he does.

He turns Istredd's hand with his own, an idle gesture. His gaze is sharp in the dark, maybe even sharper than normal, meeting Istredd's.

Lucifer likes to think he prioritizes himself over Istredd, at the very least, but in many ways that wouldn't be true either. Excluding himself in that equation? It's easy. It's simple. It's without thought. "They're fools to not," he says. "You're not someone to be overlooked--and enough people in this world would attest to that." He grins then, wicked and amused and self-assured (for once), the lilt underlining his tone, "I'm just the most important outta them." But don't forget the others, Lucifer will continue to push that.

Edited 2023-08-08 07:38 (UTC)

I don't trust, but I see right in front of me

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FINALLY LEAVING THE WOODS wrap lol