abraxaslogs | Set my sights on the setting sun

Welcome to religion. Probably. It's what he expects of religion. Tantalizing forbidden romance (and other problems, but that's not the 'current' topic), though Lucifer is always the rule breaker. He'll do whatever (whoever) he (god)damn wants.

Well now you're just teasing me, he says in response to the worship comment.

"We had better get access to Hayle in under a decade." Istredd had better get them access to Hayle in under a decade, Christ. The anchor though, alright. "The anchor's a fair trade-off."

No thank you, I've avoided religion on purpose all this time. Istredd has already dealt with it more here than he expected thanks to Solvunn, High Magic, and the cult. He's not into any of it. He is no atheist, he believes facts when they're in front of him and that is all true, but it's the details he doesn't bother with. It's part of why it's laughable to him to hold anything Lucifer did in holy books against him.

Me? A tease? That can't be right. He chuckles, his chest shaking below Lucifer in the process, and he trails his nails instead of only his fingers against Lucifer's skin.

He is going to get them to Hayle if it's the last thing he does. In ten years they should have their own damn summer home in Hayle. That's where he's at with it. "The Singularity and anchor are my priorities." Istredd won't be at peace until he doesn't have to fear Lucifer's fate. "You are my priority."

If I become a god I'm creating a religion. He deserves a religion where he's not the villain! He seems extremely put out by the prospect of not having one, and adds, At least a holiday in my name, he compromises. Eventually.

Not in the ten-year god-plan.

So basically, Lucifer is going to end up with a cult.

It's honestly not the worst possibility for Istredd to have to Deal With.

Hey, at least he's thinking of the future, Istredd!

And then Istredd has to go and get all... him, and Lucifer wriggles just enough so that he can bury his head against Istredd's collarbone.

You are such a problem, he says, not in the same tone as Istredd has said the words, but the same as Istredd calling him a menace.

You're creating a cult you mean. Not that Istredd entirely understands the difference. He thinks it may be about structure. Or the behavior of the people within it. He knows that Lucifer wants to be adored and worshipped and given the attention he felt he was owed but not rewarded with. Fine, I'll sing your praises.

He'll always have Istredd's love to fall back on.

I know, I'm annoying. He tucks his head down to kiss his hair and simply holds him for a few seconds, tightening his arm around him, treasuring their closeness. And everything that they are. He relaxes and writes spells on Lucifer's back. None that are real, just wanted.

Lucifer .... He starts and then pauses, trying to gather his thoughts. If I am taken from you, I don't want you to self-destruct or cut off everyone else. They both know it's possible. There is no guarantee of their time here. And Istredd would be in agonizing pain and withdraw, and he has to tellin himself not to, but he is far more worried about Lucifer.

I'm in love with this you. And I don't want that to be lost. Do you understand? It seems like a good idea to say that, in case the worst did happen.

"Cult, religion, same diff. Just different levels of fanatical worship."

Clearly that's the only difference. It must be, right?

But they can go back to the ways Istredd is annoying, that's a far better conversation than this, he's not about it. Talking about, what is this, loss? Possibility and control, already were great topics for Lucifer that last time they came up.

Sure, I don't need you, I'll be fine, he says snidely.

What the hell did you expect him to say, Istredd! That Lucifer hasn't jerked away is a miracle. But he is head-to-toe tense, taut wire.

"And that you think I'm so poor with multitasking!" I can self-destruct and keep the others close. They need me too much to take the hint and leave!

He came out of his cage and he's been going just fine, thanks.

Istredd can feel him go tense and he does understand. It's not a comfortable conversation. Lucifer hates loss, he hates acceptance of loss, as they both know. But Istredd isn't likely to let it sit there either. He stops his exploration of Lucifer's body and simply halts his hand against his back, holding it there.

Good, about the others. He is too smart to think Lucifer can stop himself from self-destructing, but if the others are too stubborn to let him go, that means they can reach him. Hopefully.

I just worry. Especially if Lucifer ends up regressing. He's been afraid before that he'll lose all of this if he starts getting his grace back, but he could lose it by choice too. Get withdrawn, bitter. It's not as if this is a great topic for Istredd either. I want to be here with you, for the rest of my life. It's still hundreds of years, and who knows if they can make his life longer with all this magic, while gaining power. Mages live so long because they have that power to sustain them. If he has more than Chaos, who knows?

He wants to be there, but they don't have a hold on it. The loss of Lucifer would be so harsh that Istredd may self-destruct in his own way. He turns his head to carefully bury it into Lucifer's hair, breathing him in. The feel of his body against his, cold as it may be, his scent, his general essence. I'm sorry I upset you, but I wanted to make my opinion known. Once he's gone there is nothing he can do.

It's a stupid opinion.

And he does, in fact, call Istredd out on his own bullshit.

As they do.

It hadn't really been a concern before but now, now it is, now Lucifer is making it one.

He presses up against Istredd's hand, propping his own hands on either side of Istredd's head, so he can look down at him with a raw snarl on his face. "What about you, huh? I disappear, you go, what, hide away in the library for eternity until you find a way to hide with the Singularity instead? Be lucky if Yennefer can pull you back? You think my self-destruction could be dangerous but you're more likely to close everyone out than I am!"

Istredd sighs because he knows he set something off but as per usual, he can't really find it in him to be sorry either. If he goes Lucifer will do what he will, but maybe eventually he'll remember what he said and it will help.

He looks up at Lucifer snarling and reaches up to cup his cheek. "I never said that I wouldn't also self-destruct." He's not saying Lucifer is the only one who does that. They both have an enormous skill for hurting themselves emotionally and trying to cut the world off. And it worked very, very well in their spheres, before coming here.

"I've never loved anyone or anything the way I love you. I would be a wreck, yes, and might hide instead of cope. I'd want to close my heart so no one could ever get there again." Istredd runs his hand up one of Lucifer's arms. It does hurt, thinking about it, but that is half the point.

"And you wouldn't want that for me, right? That's all I'm saying, the other way around."

It's always a roll of the dice if Istredd says something that sets Lucifer off. It's only the people Lucifer cares the most about that can pull this out of him, the people that have seen him without all the layers of masks. It's the unfortunate side effect of being close to the devil. He doesn't hold back with them, doesn't smother down whatever it is--whether it's good or noxious--that he's feeling.

He can't help it, sometimes. The whipcrack reaction that Istredd isn't better than him. That there's not some fount of strength there that is just unobtainable to Lucifer. That this hurricane squished into a barbed-wire tangled, cage of a vessel, isn't weaker.

It's that deep dark reminder that needs to spit back at him, or rather the stone anchor to ground Lucifer, not shove away his rage, just hold fast and steady to it and Lucifer just closes his eyes and breathes and those rankled emotions don't go away but they don't worsen, either.

"I know."

He does. It's just fogged over. Hard to reach. The mental synapses grasping through shadows and just missing the landing half the time. And it's--a ringing truth, 'I know' to all of it. That Istredd's form of self-destruct may be different than Lucifer's but it's still just as brutal, how his love for Lucifer is, that neither of them would want the inevitable results.

He knows.

Istredd has managed to pick up on that particular button. He has a similar one when he feels like he's being underestimated, and despite the fact Lucifer never really has treated him like that, it's easy for him to be prickly and perceive an attack. Lucifer feels that way about thinking someone is saying that only he is the problem, that everyone else is fine and he's the mess.

"It'll always be both of us." Because they are both wrapped up in this relationship and the loss of it would be too much. It doesn't change that it could happen. Istredd mentioned already that he would never leave of his own choice, but that might not matter. Love like this can also be the worst pain. They're both responsible for everything having to do with this, it's a partnership.

Istredd tilts his head up and presses a kiss on Lucifer's cheek and then his jawline. "I won't bring it up again." He said his piece already so there is no need to reiterate. He doesn't want to upset Lucifer more. He squeezes his arm and rests his head back, looking up at him.

Too long being 'the problem one' and it becomes a part of you.

Istredd could tell him for years to come that he's on Lucifer's side and in his corner and some part of Lucifer will still come out and cry hypocrisy.

He settles his forehead down to Istredd's, eyes still closed, breathing even. Lets it all just... buzz around them absently until the dust of his emotions settle.

"Don't," he says, bring it up again, he finishes. He trusts Istredd means it, that he won't mention it, but Lucifer needs that extra push from his end. A near-plead. He can deal with hypothetical scenarios and theories all day long but not when they directly involve him, and apparently him plus his relationships.

Maybe one day he could handle it, but it's unlikely.

Istredd leans his forehead back, his hands attempting to soothe as they touch his back, his hair, a reminder that they are here now, that he is not gone. They still have this, they will always have this. He thinks saying something was better than not, a last will of sorts, if the Singularity comes for him. He trusts everyone else in his life will be fine, but Lucifer? He worries.

The idea of waking up one day and Lucifer's mind just being gone haunts him at times. It'll hurt them worse than most people. Lucifer felt when Jack was gone, and that was hard, but this? It's as necessary as breathing these days for them.

I won't. I promise. He said his piece and doesn't need to again. Istredd tilts his head and captures Lucifer's lips into a soft kiss. The comfort offered both physically and between their minds, a gentle touch of adoration that he knows can both overwhelm and fuel Lucifer.

"I can be both annoying and a mood killer." Istredd jokes very lightly, to try and bring them back away from the darkness. "Why do you like me again?"

He pulls away completely, returning more aptly to perching once more atop Istredd, looking down at him with cat-like eyes. If Istredd can be annoying and a mood killer, Lucifer can be open and serious. It'd be easy to lean into the joke, flippant and smooth away the unsteady electric current, much like all of Lucifer's side magic projects.

It's more interesting though, mm, to tell him the truth?

He still doesn't know what Istredd is. Unparalleled still the closest word for Lucifer's thoughts to fall on.

But he's never really said more to Istredd. Hell, he has to Castiel--something he has yet to properly acknowledge, that entire incident sometimes coming through in a weird green-filled dream.

"You see me," he says airily. Tilts his head. "All of me. No one's done that."

Istredd is glad for the lack of distance, sometimes they can hit a fork in the road, but they are very good at bearing it together. They're an adaptable couple, something that Istredd values. They work as a team. He clings to Lucifer's continued affection, any anxiety about going too far released.

He did expect a joke or a brush off. It was set up on purpose for that, so Lucifer could take the exit. He stays serious instead and that means Istredd pays careful serious attention right back. Unparalleled is the word that is held the strongest for him. Istredd will never forget the way it sounded, how it thunked hard into his chest.

He likes these glimpses of real thoughts and cherishes them. His fingers run through Lucifer's hair and then curls around his neck, rubbing where his throat meets his shoulder. You see me. I do, he agrees. Istredd has looked straight into where his soul would be and loves him for it.

"You let me see you. That's difficult to do." To let someone else see. Especially when burned as severely as Lucifer was. Everyone he loved turned on him and he was trapped for billions of years. Finding a way to open up and trust again considering that, seems impossible.

You showed me your true face.

I trusted you with it. Only you.

Which is as Istredd said, letting someone really see you is difficult to do.

He thinks there's a few others, now, that he could trust that far, other than Wanda. Wanda maybe should have it, if there was other another. Anyone else he'd likely kill trying to present it. Istredd he could only give it to for moments. With their bond further established and set he doesn't know if a second try would be better or worse.

Worse, honestly. Not enough natural protections with how thin their walls between them are.

I'm glad you did, it felt right. Like I was looking at the real you I could sense behind the body.

That is why Istredd told Lucifer he found that attractive too because it felt like him. He loves him in a way that seeing his true face only felt more connected to him. If he knew that some people found it ugly or overwhelming, he probably could understand from an outsider point of view, simply because it was so strange and alien. But for him it was like going 'oh there you are.' Istredd likes the body, 'Nick' was a handsome man. But that's not what he finds appealing.

I figured out the body wasn't yours when you came back injured from that fight with Dean and Geralt. Something about the way you were confused about how it was hurting and healing improperly, meant you weren't in a natural form somehow.

Lucifer did eventually explain in more detail, but Istredd already flagged that as interesting. He was pretty good at waiting for Lucifer to tell him things in the beginning, before he became so fascinated by him he kept asking. Istredd knew about body possession but nothing like this so it was very confusing. But intriguing. Istredd is very smart and observant.

I mean it could've been my body, simply sullied and worn down by this world and not something I knew how to handle. He says it because he likes being contradictory. He says it because there's a reason for the term 'devil's advocate.' He gets a lot of shit that he gets mad about, but that one. Well.

It's accurate, okay. He's the loud, problem-causing, rebel.

~~But not as loud as Nero.~~

It's in his nature.

"But I see your point."

He's half asleep by this point. It isn't that Istredd has a way at putting him to sleep, as Lucifer feels safe in Istredd's proximity to just sleep, new place and all.

The rest of the thoughts come in a blurry, amalgamated mess, It's as it needed to be. Istredd seeing him. Because until then, maybe, Istredd could understand there was a creature lurking in Lucifer's shadows. But without the visual it was all smoke and mirrors. The true form of Lucifer revealed might just be the last challenge; Get Out and Run, Quick. There is actually, genuinely, something else buzzing under the surface and you'd better leave now because Lucifer can't handle much else from you, specifically.

Don't screw with him, he's been in this cyclone enough.

He's never been one for charlatans, despite being one himself.

Istredd's still here. Time and time again. Despite the inhuman monster rearing, now nestled almost-asleep against him.

No. I could tell. And he sounds certain about that, devil's advocate or not. Istredd didn't have the words for it back then, only that something was different about Lucifer. Maybe on some subconscious level he could tell his energy wasn't connected, but either way, he could tell it was unusual.

Lucifer is tired, he can feel him starting to drift. Istredd runs a hand up Lucifer's back, carding through his hair, holding onto him. He usually hits a wall after social situations and he's there now, after his anger about Geralt is behind him and they've talked out some things.

He takes the pieces of Lucifer's thoughts and hums in response to it agreeably. Can't chase me away. Istredd isn't afraid of the inhuman creature nestled sleepily against him. The idea of being afraid of him is laughable, no matter what he looks like. He kisses Lucifer's forehead.

Yours, he reminds him, near-asleep himself.

Set my sights on the setting sun

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can wrap here or on yours :D