( Look- shut up, his disposition is fine, okay. Just- it's fine when it's about anyone other than himself. When it's about him, suddenly he discovers the meaning of the word modesty or something.
He's coming around. Just let him get over this initial awkward little first hurdle. He hasn't really... talked about it with anybody that isn't also involved in the bang triangle.
Tribangle?
Anyway.
He huffs gently at don't shit yourself, but the razzing does take some of the edge off. Has him settling back those few inches and shaking his head at his engine, which is suddenly Very Important to Study while they talk.
He chews the inside of his cheek for a second, and then answers with — surprise surprise — some measure of seriousness. )
I know. I, uh- ( There's a pause, while he sifts through the right words. ) I didn't know... how he felt, until after I turned. After that, it's like I could see without the blinders, you know? I-
( This is hard. It's a complicated topic, one he doesn't feel nearly articulate enough to speak on — in part because he doesn't feel like he's smart enough to do the subject justice, but also because it involves analyzing a lot of his own hang-ups, something he's never a fan of doing voluntarily.
Eventually, as he talks, his hands still beneath the hood. He stares at nothing, stands still, and just lets the words roll out of him in a slow stream. )
Where I'm from, my world... in some regions, or to some social groups, it's... taboo. Controversial, there's a whole political... religious... back and forth about it. Two guys, people of the same sex, being- together-... there are judgmental assholes that put kind of a stigma on the whole... thing. I always said to each their own, let people be happy and everybody else mind your own damn business, who cares, but... The way I was raised, my dad...
( Another pause, because reconciling honesty with not disparaging John Winchester is a nigh-impossible task sometimes. )
Let's just say a lot of those stigmas didn't exactly align with his vision of what being a man meant. It never seemed like- something I could do. It was so far outside of who he wanted me to be, it's damn-near laughable. It's like- the possibility for me wasn't even on my radar, it didn't matter whether I was interested or not, it just wasn't- for me. Then I turned, and none of that mattered anymore. It's practically like the laws of physics shifted. And then I saw Cas, and it was so obvious.
( Followed by a darkly cavalier shrug of one shoulder. )
Of course, I was a demon, so I did the biggest dick move you can think of and totally roasted him to a crisp about it. Go figure.
cw: societal / internalized homophobia
He's coming around. Just let him get over this initial awkward little first hurdle. He hasn't really... talked about it with anybody that isn't also involved in the bang triangle.
Tribangle?
Anyway.
He huffs gently at don't shit yourself, but the razzing does take some of the edge off. Has him settling back those few inches and shaking his head at his engine, which is suddenly Very Important to Study while they talk.
He chews the inside of his cheek for a second, and then answers with — surprise surprise — some measure of seriousness. )
I know. I, uh- ( There's a pause, while he sifts through the right words. ) I didn't know... how he felt, until after I turned. After that, it's like I could see without the blinders, you know? I-
( This is hard. It's a complicated topic, one he doesn't feel nearly articulate enough to speak on — in part because he doesn't feel like he's smart enough to do the subject justice, but also because it involves analyzing a lot of his own hang-ups, something he's never a fan of doing voluntarily.
Eventually, as he talks, his hands still beneath the hood. He stares at nothing, stands still, and just lets the words roll out of him in a slow stream. )
Where I'm from, my world... in some regions, or to some social groups, it's... taboo. Controversial, there's a whole political... religious... back and forth about it. Two guys, people of the same sex, being- together-... there are judgmental assholes that put kind of a stigma on the whole... thing. I always said to each their own, let people be happy and everybody else mind your own damn business, who cares, but... The way I was raised, my dad...
( Another pause, because reconciling honesty with not disparaging John Winchester is a nigh-impossible task sometimes. )
Let's just say a lot of those stigmas didn't exactly align with his vision of what being a man meant. It never seemed like- something I could do. It was so far outside of who he wanted me to be, it's damn-near laughable. It's like- the possibility for me wasn't even on my radar, it didn't matter whether I was interested or not, it just wasn't- for me. Then I turned, and none of that mattered anymore. It's practically like the laws of physics shifted. And then I saw Cas, and it was so obvious.
( Followed by a darkly cavalier shrug of one shoulder. )
Of course, I was a demon, so I did the biggest dick move you can think of and totally roasted him to a crisp about it. Go figure.