And in a lot of ways, that had been what finally pushed Yennefer over. Istredd arrived in Thorne just as she had reached a point of being forced to admit she needed help. That she needed to open herself up to trusting the people around her. Stephen had been easier to let in, and Thancred too, despite their complications. Anakin had slipped under her skin quickly and seamlessly, and Wanda…
They’d all been people Yennefer learned to let in, because she wouldn’t be able to survive this place on her own. But Istredd- trusting Istredd was something she’d already known how to do. Whether or not she did when she took him back into that room and threatened his very life, it was an old enough habit to fall back into. Something familiar, and relatively safe. Sure, it had begun because it was the smart move for her, but now?
It was more than just trust between them now, and Yennefer knows how much she’d needed that, too. A partner, a friend, a lover…
“However powerful he is isn’t the issue, here. Ciri’s safety means everything, and now where does that leave them? Us? How can we even be sure of who knows about Ciri over in the cities; where they actually believe a destruction of magic to be an answer for anything?”
It’s a simplification that Yennefer knows is colored by factions. Thorne has always been a major voice in the argument against the Free Cities, but Yennefer also hasn’t gone out of her way to understand the Free Cities any more, either.
“Her opinion can matter, but Geralt has to know the danger he’s putting her in. He…” She trails off, the stubborn anger in her words softening to that dark, still version of herself.
And barely a moment passes before Istredd is there again, his hands stilling her’s. Bringing them up to his mouth to kiss her knuckles. It is soft, and so him that she can barely stand it. And there he is again, what did you do? Because he would know better than anyone the lengths she would go to. How she would act, if the situation were different.
“I don’t know.” Is what she says at first, meeting his eyes for half a moment before pulling them away again. She takes a breath, as is preparing herself more than preparing Istredd. And then she starts to speak again. “The dreams…I lost my chaos at Sodden; burned through it all and couldn’t call it back. After, there were visions, and the Voleth Mier came to me. Promised she could return my chaos for a price. I refused it, I could find my own way, but after months went by and even when I came back to Aretuza and Tissaia couldn’t…”
Istredd would remember how Yennefer had been, that day, that night. It’s been so long since she felt like she was in that place, and yet whenever she thinks back, she’s there like no time had passed at all. She shakes her head.
“I was headed to Cintra when I was caught, and I knew, I knew that was it. There was no way I could escape those chains, not without… I answered her call, and I made the deal. I didn’t know what else to do, there wasn’t anything, and if I’d just had my chaos… And she showed me the price, what I’d have to do to get it back. It was the face of a girl, and I accepted it.” She takes back her hands, then, her expression curling to something like disgust. Anger. Frustration. At herself.
“That was the last thing I remembered, the last thing I knew. When I woke here, it was like I’d suddenly remembered everything else; who Ciri was, what she meant.” Which, if Istredd hadn’t put it together before then, he would now. Yennefer, suddenly feeling trapped, stands and starts to pace. “Geralt and Jaskier remembered more, Geralt said I went through with it, but I don’t know how. I wouldn’t do that, I know I wouldn’t, not her. But even so, he treated me like I already had, when I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. I-“
She slows, and then stops, feeling sick to her stomach. It was one thing, to look at Geralt and want to fight; to push back against what he saw in her and scream at him no. It’s another to know, somewhere in her gut, that when the Deathless Mother had showed her the face of that girl, she’d already accepted what she would do.
And now…? Now Geralt knew that, too. And Yennefer feels like there’s nothing in her grasp to fix it. And now Istredd does too.
no subject
They’d all been people Yennefer learned to let in, because she wouldn’t be able to survive this place on her own. But Istredd- trusting Istredd was something she’d already known how to do. Whether or not she did when she took him back into that room and threatened his very life, it was an old enough habit to fall back into. Something familiar, and relatively safe. Sure, it had begun because it was the smart move for her, but now?
It was more than just trust between them now, and Yennefer knows how much she’d needed that, too. A partner, a friend, a lover…
“However powerful he is isn’t the issue, here. Ciri’s safety means everything, and now where does that leave them? Us? How can we even be sure of who knows about Ciri over in the cities; where they actually believe a destruction of magic to be an answer for anything?”
It’s a simplification that Yennefer knows is colored by factions. Thorne has always been a major voice in the argument against the Free Cities, but Yennefer also hasn’t gone out of her way to understand the Free Cities any more, either.
“Her opinion can matter, but Geralt has to know the danger he’s putting her in. He…” She trails off, the stubborn anger in her words softening to that dark, still version of herself.
And barely a moment passes before Istredd is there again, his hands stilling her’s. Bringing them up to his mouth to kiss her knuckles. It is soft, and so him that she can barely stand it. And there he is again, what did you do? Because he would know better than anyone the lengths she would go to. How she would act, if the situation were different.
“I don’t know.” Is what she says at first, meeting his eyes for half a moment before pulling them away again. She takes a breath, as is preparing herself more than preparing Istredd. And then she starts to speak again. “The dreams…I lost my chaos at Sodden; burned through it all and couldn’t call it back. After, there were visions, and the Voleth Mier came to me. Promised she could return my chaos for a price. I refused it, I could find my own way, but after months went by and even when I came back to Aretuza and Tissaia couldn’t…”
Istredd would remember how Yennefer had been, that day, that night. It’s been so long since she felt like she was in that place, and yet whenever she thinks back, she’s there like no time had passed at all. She shakes her head.
“I was headed to Cintra when I was caught, and I knew, I knew that was it. There was no way I could escape those chains, not without… I answered her call, and I made the deal. I didn’t know what else to do, there wasn’t anything, and if I’d just had my chaos… And she showed me the price, what I’d have to do to get it back. It was the face of a girl, and I accepted it.” She takes back her hands, then, her expression curling to something like disgust. Anger. Frustration. At herself.
“That was the last thing I remembered, the last thing I knew. When I woke here, it was like I’d suddenly remembered everything else; who Ciri was, what she meant.” Which, if Istredd hadn’t put it together before then, he would now. Yennefer, suddenly feeling trapped, stands and starts to pace. “Geralt and Jaskier remembered more, Geralt said I went through with it, but I don’t know how. I wouldn’t do that, I know I wouldn’t, not her. But even so, he treated me like I already had, when I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. I-“
She slows, and then stops, feeling sick to her stomach. It was one thing, to look at Geralt and want to fight; to push back against what he saw in her and scream at him no. It’s another to know, somewhere in her gut, that when the Deathless Mother had showed her the face of that girl, she’d already accepted what she would do.
And now…? Now Geralt knew that, too. And Yennefer feels like there’s nothing in her grasp to fix it. And now Istredd does too.