Istredd couldn't help himself, feeling this way. He can't help himself now. It's useless to try. He can live without Lucifer and they both know they'd have to, it's not as if that can change. They are stuck here and it might be solo. They've talked before about wanting the other person to keep living. He means it. This is only a moment of weakness that he feels like he should be allowed to have. Istredd wants to be saved. It reminds him of the Pit, when he thought they wouldn't make it in time, as he slowly died.
He hooks an arm around Lucifer's neck behind him, his fingers a caress into his hair. He leans back into his embrace and closes his eyes, letting the pain exist. Dealing with it, as he said he had to. It would be easier to take it away, but not better.
"The multiverse comes first," Istredd admits. They both know that. He can want Lucifer to say the words and take some solace in it, which is why he's going to let himself have it for a few seconds. He can't risk Lucifer getting sent back to his death as punishment for trying to break the universe, or any of their loved ones. It's more about intention. It is, as he says, about value.
"But I'd probably go crazy just for a little while." Not so crazy that he'd tear things apart, but still. Istredd is being responsible to see it that way. He'd let the others in to keep him from blowing the world up. They can both count on them.
"Sorry. I didn't want to make this week worse for us." They know it isn't his choice but he's so broken. It's a reminder of how much he botched the bond that they're bleeding like this. "Maybe it's time to put some walls up." Istredd isn't trying to push him away or force space between them, the problem is he doesn't want to. He's greedy and selfish. He wants that beautiful mind to be his. But no one can deny the damage done.
no subject
He hooks an arm around Lucifer's neck behind him, his fingers a caress into his hair. He leans back into his embrace and closes his eyes, letting the pain exist. Dealing with it, as he said he had to. It would be easier to take it away, but not better.
"The multiverse comes first," Istredd admits. They both know that. He can want Lucifer to say the words and take some solace in it, which is why he's going to let himself have it for a few seconds. He can't risk Lucifer getting sent back to his death as punishment for trying to break the universe, or any of their loved ones. It's more about intention. It is, as he says, about value.
"But I'd probably go crazy just for a little while." Not so crazy that he'd tear things apart, but still. Istredd is being responsible to see it that way. He'd let the others in to keep him from blowing the world up. They can both count on them.
"Sorry. I didn't want to make this week worse for us." They know it isn't his choice but he's so broken. It's a reminder of how much he botched the bond that they're bleeding like this. "Maybe it's time to put some walls up." Istredd isn't trying to push him away or force space between them, the problem is he doesn't want to. He's greedy and selfish. He wants that beautiful mind to be his. But no one can deny the damage done.