[ There hasn't been enough time for her hurt manifesting as pettiness to retreat when Sylvain speaks. Cruel barbs swirl to the tip of her tongue but all of them bounce off the back of her teeth, her guilt preventing them from seeing the light of day.
Not saying those things however makes way for other feelings to stir up from the rubble of her heart. For a realization that she hadn't voiced, perhaps ever in the time that she had known Claude, but had certainly thought since their fight and one that he thought, except about her. She trusted him - but there was still a crack in their foundation, one that still had yet to be repaired. Her nails dig in a little harder. ]
It's not you that I don't trust. [ She says it so weakly that it may as well have been a whimper. ] Claude and I - we haven't...
[ Really spoken about their fractured trust? Done anything except maybe hold hands and talk more than they had before their fight because she didn't know how to anymore? Her voice trails off, dripping in shame because she doesn't want to land another blow. She had the bruises across her knuckles to prove that she had been recklessly brutal. She had left cuts, wounds and scars in her wake. Why couldn't they just see that the only reason it would end in disappointment was because of her? That no matter how hard she wished for it, her insides would be rotten to the core and that she would be more destructive than she would ever be delicate? ]
That will take time to repair. I know that, but that's not really the reason. I don't trust myself. I'm terrified of disappointing you both because I'm going to screw this up again. I already have with that stupid rule. And I'm just going to keep disappointing you both because the minute something doesn't go my way I'm going to be greedy, selfish and awful.
[ The last word is sobbed and the tears begin to spill in earnest this time. Relinquishing the hold on her arms she presses the heels of her palms into her eyes to staunch them. ]
I don't want to do that. I don't want either of you to be disappointed in me. I'm trying to save you both the hurt - why can't you see that?
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Not saying those things however makes way for other feelings to stir up from the rubble of her heart. For a realization that she hadn't voiced, perhaps ever in the time that she had known Claude, but had certainly thought since their fight and one that he thought, except about her. She trusted him - but there was still a crack in their foundation, one that still had yet to be repaired. Her nails dig in a little harder. ]
It's not you that I don't trust. [ She says it so weakly that it may as well have been a whimper. ] Claude and I - we haven't...
[ Really spoken about their fractured trust? Done anything except maybe hold hands and talk more than they had before their fight because she didn't know how to anymore? Her voice trails off, dripping in shame because she doesn't want to land another blow. She had the bruises across her knuckles to prove that she had been recklessly brutal. She had left cuts, wounds and scars in her wake. Why couldn't they just see that the only reason it would end in disappointment was because of her? That no matter how hard she wished for it, her insides would be rotten to the core and that she would be more destructive than she would ever be delicate? ]
That will take time to repair. I know that, but that's not really the reason. I don't trust myself. I'm terrified of disappointing you both because I'm going to screw this up again. I already have with that stupid rule. And I'm just going to keep disappointing you both because the minute something doesn't go my way I'm going to be greedy, selfish and awful.
[ The last word is sobbed and the tears begin to spill in earnest this time. Relinquishing the hold on her arms she presses the heels of her palms into her eyes to staunch them. ]
I don't want to do that. I don't want either of you to be disappointed in me. I'm trying to save you both the hurt - why can't you see that?