claude von riegan. (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
godshattering) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
abraxaslogs2023-09-10 12:52 pm
godshattering) wrote in abraxaslogs2023-09-10 12:52 pm
[ CLOSED ] the dawn is opening
Who: Claude and various
When: September, October, November
Where: Cadens, Libertas, the Horizon
What: Catch all
Warnings: None currently, will add/mark as needed
( Closed starters below. Find me at ![[plurk.com profile]](https://plurk.com/favicon.ico)
indech, on Discord, or by PM at any time to plot something! )
When: September, October, November
Where: Cadens, Libertas, the Horizon
What: Catch all
Warnings: None currently, will add/mark as needed
no subject
Because that's part of the issue, isn't it? That, as she points out, there's been no dates before in any sense of Before? Still, he can't help the rueful smile that comes to his face immediately in the aftermath of her speaking. ]
I think it was pointed out to me before that war wasn't exactly the time for any notions of romance. The same can probably be said for any kind of strife since.
[ Dryly, since that seems better than his other reaction of wanting to drag a hand down his face as she continues to stare back at him like he's said something so completely unpredictable she doesn't know what to do with it. But he is watching her carefully still, feeling a bit like he's floundering around in a dark room looking for a candle to light in the form of clarity when that doesn't offer him anything but the confirmation she's genuinely puzzled.
But the why for that reaction even after their last conversation of dancing around a topic adjacent to this one where she'd had much the same flush and sputtering in response to what he'd said - hadn't he made it clear? Try as he might and though Claude succeeds in keeping his voice even, it's too difficult to not let trepidation in. ]
Would it really be so terrible if this was a date?
[ Maybe that genuine question is a better place to start. Maybe it'll unravel the rest of what's going unsaid when the last thing he wants to do is assume too much even as his mind is already turning over the possibilities he's now ignoring - not when that'd gotten them to a very different place when he doesn't want to repeat anything close to it. ]
no subject
That - this isn't the same thing.
[ Hearing her words, which are still true to this day, repeated back to her only seem to further her flustered state. It softens what she says next, eliminating any sort of jealous tone that could have been there but isn't because what she says is simply a fact. ]
Strife wasn't happening the entire time we were here. You've been on at least one date with Sylvain.
[ Lack of time feels like a poor excuse to use, especially when she had arrived here in the dead of winter and now they were nearing the end of summer. None of that was accounting for the time that he had spent in a literal pit of course. She could be many things but unreasonable isn't one of them. At least, not in this situation.
So why she's trying to make a point or sound like she's arguing (because she isn't, not really) is beyond her. In some ways it's easier to compartmentalize and distill this moment into one of those times when Claude proposes something ridiculous and she's just trying to keep him honest and realistic. Easier because it means that she can stay rooted in this delusion of hers for a little while longer and not have to think so hard about feelings - which is arguably one of her least favourite things to do. Unfortunately all of those things are difficult when the nervousness in his voice tugs incessantly at her resolve. ]
No. Yes. I don't know.
[ A noise of helpless exasperation escapes her. Panic prickles at the base of her skull and she can hear herself begin to ramble. Apparently all it had taken was Claude's trepidation to dislodge the last stone holding back her torrent of words. ]
It's just that you said that you had feelings for me. And friends can go on perfectly platonic dates, but you're implying that this isn't. Which means that this is either an awful joke that I've completely missed the punchline on or you're trying to cover up for the fact that you and Sylvain were meant to come here instead of me. Which again, is fine, but I wish you would just tell me if that was the case because I'm trying really hard to put whatever feelings I - [ Her words cut off abruptly as her heartbeat thrums loudly in her ears. She takes in a breath, the stark realization that she had said too much dawning on her. There's another beat before she speaks again. ] I'm just trying to be a better friend and feelings complicate that. A date would complicate that.
no subject
No is a positive, but the yes immediately following it - that's difficult to not feel the sting of it even as Hilda corrects herself again right after. Claude does nothing but wait with a steady hold on patience - that is, until she speaks again and each sentence one after another makes his blood feel like it chills in degrees. He'd started to sit up since slouching for this conversation doesn't feel right but he pauses, unsure of what exactly his expression is while he processes everything said.
There's too many competing and somehow still synced thoughts for it to be anything but the truth. That much he recognizes even while desperately forcing them through his mind to help them make sense. In there, he hears things said as facts: Hilda still thinks being here wasn't intentional, and if it wasn't then this is possibly some kind of ploy with no room for anything else. Feelings, whatever they are, are interfering with being a friend and how from there it's not difficult to extrapolate her answer about whether a date would be a problem just might actually be yes.
That rapid spiral of examining it all doesn't get him any closer when it comes to yet another break in what she was going to say and then what was said next like on the rooftop. While it feels like he can guess what fits into that blank space, it doesn't explain something else. ]
Wait a minute. What do you mean 'had' like that's something of the past?
[ A response to the rest is forthcoming, but Claude can't get past that one word. It sounds almost as if it's what Hilda's been hinging everything on in a way that's thrown him for a loop into genuine confusion. Now it's his turn to feel almost like she's playing some kind of prank on him he's too slow to pick up on, and whether he was intending for the same level of honesty wrapped up in those words remains to be seen. Perhaps it won't matter if it wasn't meant to be there; that's just answering her with another question while he's also not trying to argue or infuriate when the real point is - ]
Because it's not had. It's have.
no subject
And even though it feels like her unrequited affection and longing for him would always be rooted in the marrow of her bones, she'd reassure him that she didn't plan on getting between him and Sylvain. The hope really was that she'd just wake up one day and they'd be gone like dust motes dancing in the morning sun, a fond treasure and memory she could look back on.
Unfortunately the problem with crafting narratives in her mind is that when they butt up against parts of reality that directly contradicted the things she had convinced herself of. It doesn't happen often - mostly because the combined forces of Hilda's blissful ignorance and charmed life proved a sturdy defence against the forces of reality.
But Claude does break her monologue and both blissful ignorance and luck seem to evaporate into steam. Trying to collect them now would be futile. ]
Have? [ Her voice slides an octave higher. ] But you said "fell". You "fell" for me which is past tense, isn't it?
[ Her stupidity hits her and she knows the answer to the question before he has to answer it. Dumbstruck, her eyes blow wide as her cheeks blaze with warmth. This isn't exactly how most people would react to finding out someone their heart pined for retuned that pining but then again nothing about this is normal. Their relationship had been razed to the ground, leaving them amidst a foundation they had to figure out how to rebuild together.
Hilda had thought she known how right until Claude had flipped the plans around and shown her a different way. Stubbornness and old habits of side stepping persist but both are weak at best. ]
You can't have feelings for me. You have feelings for someone else. And I'm so awful and greedy. I've been so jealous and I could never –
[ A breath is quickly sucked in through her teeth. No. Telling him she cared couldn't come with ugly admissions too. ]
no subject
I said I still wanted you to meet my parents now that you know - [ mostly - ] what that means, but because I said fell that made it all past tense?
[ A confirmation more than a question and one he doesn't really need, not with Hilda's words now making that clear, but with it comes the clarity he'd been seeking to make sense of so many confusing pieces that'd never seemed to create the bigger picture. It's here now: the motivation for everything, the miscommunications known and not, and why what'd felt like such an abrupt fallout to him but have been anything but to Hilda.
Now Claude gives into running a hand down his face with a pause to punch the bridge of his nose while gathering his thoughts. All of them, all the ones formed and still fragmented and what they have yet to say when this is surely only the very start. ]
I think, and hear me out here, both of us should stop trying to tell the other what they should feel or do.
[ It might be a joke save for the minor edge of tension still running through that because it's the truth and because even Claude's not fully ready to make light of this yet. That'll take more time and distance than sitting amidst the wreckage they'd caused as they are now even with some of it slowly put back together. None of it being entirely one of their faults; he'd been responsible for this just as much as Hilda had while they'd both orchestrated it all. He drops his hand away and back into the water when it occurs to him it probably looks like he's frustrated when really, the primary thing he's feeling right now could be be described as shock. ]
How long?
[ Asked quietly, even though it feels pressing that he knows the answer to this even if it won't bring back the time they've lost. Here or in Fodlan, because from what's been said it's clear to Claude that not only did his own feelings come with him - so did hers. ]
no subject
[ Her reply comes with the weakest, faintest echo of a laugh - because objectively this entire misunderstanding and miscommunication is funny in some way. It's the sort of thing they would laugh about if it happened to someone else. Not that she can quite appreciate the humor yet but maybe some day. That conversation feels impossibly recent and so long ago now. At the time her heart had immediately tried to take a running leap towards a conclusion that her mind was convinced couldn't be true - and as a result she had clawed her heart back before it could go too far.
This moment feels a lot like that, like her heart is straining to break free, to feel everything that she had been holding back. Simultaneously it feels like Waffle had decided to take a sudden dive that she hadn't been ready for. All that's left to do is try and fall and recover gracefully. Well, as gracefully as someone can after making a total fool of themselves.
The edge to his voice doesn't go unnoticed. A part of her pulls back cautiously like she can't be certain where this conversation is going. But then he asks something that fills her with more fear than she thought a simple question like that ever could or would. He doesn't have to clarify. She knows what he's asking. Drawing her knees into her chest feels like she's protecting herself, like she's still bracing herself for him to decide he doesn't care for her that way now that she had shown a small glimpse of her ugly side of her. Her admission is soft as her eyes drift to the water in front of her. ]
...I don't know.
[ Because she doesn't. Even though she had admitted wordlessly to Wanda that she loved Claude she can't pinpoint an exact moment when the feelings had transformed and culminated into what they are now. It's horribly cheesy. Lame, really. ]
A long time. Before the war started at least. I didn't want to say anything then because you needed to concentrate on the war. And I didn't know what you would say if I did tell you. I guess that fear followed me here too even though I never expected you to return my feelings if I ever did say anything.
[ It's really only the tip of the iceberg of her feelings for him and the things she feared that could come from admitting more. But she feels like she's taken up too much air speaking. And she has her own questions. Her eyes rise towards him. ]
How long?
no subject
Beneath the water, his fingers reflexively curl in towards his palms at first without him noticing it. When it sinks in that Hilda's withdrawing it's then Claude realizes he's done this to keep himself from reaching for her, to stamp out a desire to he would've once not questioned in closing the space between them. But maybe that isn't what she wants or what she needs, and so he sets his hands in his lap again like that'll tamp down the longing as they inch their way through this conversation.
Before the war has him closing his eyes in need of a moment to absorb that. The same goes for what follows, all of it logical in a way which makes him feel vaguely ill because it still comes down to so much lost time. Because he'd thought the same things, had the same fears - both of them holding onto those things separately and which kept them from saying anything in what he now knows could've been years ago for both of them.
Regret doesn't have a place here. The same as always, he has to look forward to the future before the past has a chance to drag him down into it. It's not until she fairly returns his question to him that Claude opens his eyes and looks back at her with a faint smile that's an actual one this time. ]
I couldn't tell you when it changed, but I remember when I realized it. [ His gaze goes unfocused slightly as if he's looking at something else besides just Hilda across from him, but the smile grows a little wider as it curves its way around his mouth. ] It was a ways into the academy year on some afternoon when there wasn't anything happening. I was in my room doing - something, I couldn't tell you what besides maybe looking through some of the books I'd taken from Abyss or writing a letter, but that part doesn't matter - and I hadn't locked the door. You walked in like you belonged there, crawled into bed like you belonged there too, and fell asleep without saying anything.
I couldn't focus on whatever it was after that and a nap did sound like a pretty good idea. After I laid down you moved over to put your head on my shoulder and an arm around me in your sleep like you didn't even have to guess where I was. And then I remember thinking that felt like something else that belonged, too, and I didn't even have to question it. Any of it.
[ One blink and he's back to the present rather than a dorm room in Garreg Mach where it'd felt like the world had narrowed down to nothing but the two of them when she'd settled into that space with a sigh and he'd wished to himself she'd never leave. ]
I'd never thought that about anyone before.
no subject
The temperature of her cheeks feels hot to the touch, she's positive her ears are turning pink, and her heartbeat races so fast that she swears she could follow it right out the door. The thought is a tempting one. Running away from anything serious has always worked in the past. But this is more than serious. It's important. It's a matter of the heart. Their hearts. Which is honestly more terrifying than any dragon or demonic beast they'll ever face.
Fighting the urge to turn tail and flee, Hilda is quick to bury her hands in her face to save herself from gawking at Claude and to spare him having to see her face contort in strange ways, unable to settle on how exactly to portray the myriad of feelings whirling inside her. That feels like a victory, even if it's a small one. Unfortunately she can't properly pat herself on the back for that. Staying in one place is the easier challenge to tackle. It's convincing herself that this is happening – that's the more difficult task. Believing it follows closely behind that. Or maybe they're one and the same.
The irony of wanting something so badly that she could wish it into existence is that she doesn't have the faintest clue what to do with it now that she's faced with it. For so long she had wondered if Claude would ever return her feelings. Daydreamed about what it would be like for him to look at her the way he looked at Petra. At Sylvain. Convinced herself that some day she'd be ready to tell him true but honeyed words instead of clunky, hollow ones strung up tight with nerves and fear.
The voice of the creature that had crawled its way out of her throat begins singing a different tune, telling her that Claude is better off with someone who could remember something about their story, someone who's kinder, smarter, everything she feels that she lacks. She lets out a soft groan of embarrassment into her hands. ]
Gods, you – if I had known I was supposed to prepare some kind of speech I wish you would have given me more notice. All I could say was a long time and that I didn't know. Now anything after this is going to come across as super insincere.
[ It's more joke than complaint. At least that's what she's trying to default to while she attempts to collect her thoughts and refrain from spilling more unpleasant insecurities. ]
no subject
Something she thinks she has to hide with her hands pressed to her face to shut it out, and it's that action which makes confusion and a bit of that trepidation return. It was a lot, that much Claude's well aware of considering it felt like a lot to say despite there being so much more ground for either one of them to cover, and now it all hangs in the balance even more than before.
Sitting here he is also feels too much though he wills himself to stay right there. Right up until Hilda finally speaks, because at that point his resolve disintegrates and he pushes off the tub's edge. ]
Hey, wait a minute.
[ That prefaces it though he's careful to make a point of not moving through the water silently to telegraph exactly what it is he's doing. It's not a long distance even despite the oversized tub they're in for that supposed couples' experience but it feels like crossing a canyon as he reaches out to hook fingertips around her hands to gently tug them away from her face to be able to see again. Or in hopes of that, since if she doesn't resist he'll sit with her hands held in his between them in what's not enough touch for what he wants, but that's another line he won't cross without permission first when it's not something he'll take for granted. ]
I wasn't asking for a speech, though if that's you asking for one I can come up with a better one if you give me a minute. [ That's teasing, if only to lighten the mood with something they both know would be a real possibility if she asked for it to be while he searches her face with a tentative smile. ] A long time still more than counts, especially when we said the same thing in different ways. I don't think that's insincere at all.
[ And it is the same thing to him since it still points to the same feeling - and that's something. As much as he wants to let that spark of hope turn into an ember that can become a proper flame, there's something else that has to come before it. ]
What is it that you want, Hilda?
[ From this moment, from all of this - anything and everything in between. His answer to that should she ask it back to him has never once wavered, but that doesn't mean it's the same for Hilda. ]
no subject
That was well on its way to being a speech and probably one of the least romantic things I can think of right now.
[ She hopes that this won't continue back down a serious path but it does much to her dismay.
The answer to his question is obvious. It beats loudly in her heart, sending reverberations up her throat to the tip of her tongue before hitting the back of her teeth. Her mind clings desperately onto the incorrect notion that voicing it will only end horribly despite the admissions that had been spoken between them. The very real worry that if speaks more, the truth she had been so close to admitting atop Cyprian's workshop life would immediately shatter the resolve she's been trying to bolster for several months now.
Deflection calls to her like a siren's call. To put this off for a little while longer so she can continue to try and be the good friend. The graceful flower she's so desperately trying to hold onto while grinding her feelings for Claude, the jealousy towards his relationship with Sylvain, and her own blossoming feelings for the Faerghan into the ground beneath her heel - all with a bright smile on her face.
Unless it was in a work of fiction complicated has never been her cup of tea. It never suited her. It never would. Her brain simply isn't built that way and neither, it would seem, is her heart. And this is a very complicated situation with higher stakes than she's ever been willing to gamble. The creature clicks its tongue mockingly – unsurprisingly, her bravery continues to be a fickle thing. She almost flinches back away, but the gentle anchor of Claude's hand in hers propels her to push through it.
Wanting should be easy for her. Being demanding and greedy is as easy an instinct as breathing but she doesn't want to be either of those things here. Her voice is all quiet desperation and confliction, a part of her still afraid of the unknown before them. ]
You. I want you. I want us. Because even if we aren't from the same timeline and I'll never be half the person you are, every version of me will probably gravitate towards you anyway.
[ After all what more is she than the stars to the backdrop of his shining moon while Sylvain is the bright sun? They seem a better fit in more ways than one. A lump forms in her throat, emotions culminating in the threat of tears that she manages to hold back. ]
Even if it could happen, I didn't know what that would look like in Fodlan and I don't know what that looks like here. I can't...I'm not going to get in the way of whatever you and Sylvain have.
no subject
As the seconds go by, however many of them are before she answers, it feels like an eternity. It aches again that he can't guess what's going through Hilda's mind like he wants to believe he could have just a few months ago, even if the reality is it's far longer than that. The reason for it has been made clear in what's been said and what Claude's still guessing at is trailing behind it for what hasn't yet or whether it ever will be. All he can do is wait and try not to look like this is every bit of feeling like he's balancing on an unsteady precipice where the next step could as easily be the ground crumbling to give way rather than being something solid.
But she answers, and then it's too difficult to not do anything but let hope soar and flood in to fill all the spaces between them as he grips her hands a bit tighter. In the next breath it's tempered by the look on her face because that has to account in this, too; there's been mistakes made in all that miscommunication built up from years and here, and that has to be cleared. ]
I've always wanted you, you know. Always wanted us, even when I spent so long thinking you didn't want me.
[ The urge to reach forward to cradle her face is there but Claude runs his thumbs over the backs of Hilda's hands while still studying her. One step at a time, he reminds himself over and over. Admitting that they both want the same thing - it's something which doesn't feel real despite simultaneously feeling like he's committed those words to memory where they shine as brightly as he'd dreamt they would.
But there's the qualifier with them that was added on right away, and there's what follows it. ]
You're not getting in the way of anything. I- whatever it is I have with Sylvain isn't any kind of replacement or whatever else 'getting in the way' might mean. It's something separate and always has been to me, and it doesn't lessen what I feel about you or change it in any way.
[ Because it's that clear, in his mind, though it's not that he expected Hilda to know this. File it under yet another conversation they should've had with all the other ones wrapped up into this one now, though he stills when something finally clicks into place. ]
That's part of why you've been pulling away, isn't it?
no subject
As much as her heart wants to leap at his admission of wanting her as much as she had, her grip holds tight around the ties she's strapped around it for fear of it inflating too full of misguided hope. For all her posturing about how anyone would be lucky to spend time with her, it's all surface level to some degree. A dinner here, a walk through the markets there, stolen kisses and nights turned mornings - none of those things account to anything serious or long term.
She'd marry some day (or, she thinks humourlessly to herself, never, if Holst and her father had any say about their precious flower straying too far from Goneril) and she's under no disillusion that there's some unfortunate scenario that it would be arranged. That's why letting anything go deeper than flirting is impossible for her to imagine with any amount of seriousness. If she did it would probably look like meeting someone's parents like Claude had suggested and that would mean –
That train of thought comes to an immediate halt when Claude manages to lays another piece of their crumbling ruin of a relationship back into place. In repose she nods, immediately averting her gaze away from him. That doesn't stop her hands from returning the squeeze of his hands like he's some lifeline she both needs and doesn't want to need.
His words feel like a double edged sword and don't bring as much comfort as she thinks he intends. Realistically she should be concentrating on the good which, really, all of it is. He's saying the things she's been hoping he would for years. And Claude admitting that he has anything at all with Sylvain without denial or hesitation speaks volumes about how he's changed and grown. It makes her proud. It makes her sick with envy and jealousy. This is exactly what she's been trying to avoid.
She looks at him despairingly, shame stretching across her face. ]
And you might be okay with that, but I don't know if I can be. All I've been feeling is jealousy and guilt. Even now, I can't just be happy for you. I can't even be happy about this. I'm awful.
[ The white noise at the back of her brain begins to make itself known and she begins to pull her hands away from his. ]
I don't want to be selfish anymore. Maybe our time has come and gone, Claude. [ False levity is injected into her voice, the corners of her lips tugging into something resembling a smile. ] But that's okay because these things happen. I'll be a better friend. I just want the both of you to be happy at the end of the day.
no subject
The reality of it hits him full force when Hilda tells him another truth there's no denying. Multiple truths at that, and it's not until his lungs start to burn that he realizes he's held his breath throughout everything she's said. Then he has to process that; it'd feel like the world's worst joke if he only believed she was kidding. It isn't difficult to see she means every word in everything etched in her expression even as she tries to smile, tries to say it'll be fine, and he's too numb to let her do anything but pull away at first. ]
Don't think for a second that would make me anywhere close to happy. [ It feels like there's sand in his throat with each of those words scratching their way out. For once, Claude doesn't overthink what to say when it's clear this is the time for them to be said. ] And if you want me to tell you it's fine and it won't break both of our hearts even further than they've already been, I can't do that either.
[ Because that's the part which is making some increasingly desperate feeling rise in his chest and sink its teeth into everything. There's the faintest wish to rewind time again, but - to where? At what point could he even choose to say it's the right place to prevent them from ending up here with years of the past adding up to this? There are too many moving pieces for even him to track as they've whirled around them both to build one upon another into this.
For one terrible second he wonders if she's right and the time has passed before it's immediately replaced by thinking a simple no. Now isn't the time to let her go if it'll be too late to ever talk about this again if he does and he clears his throat. Even if it's only been a little bit of silence but it feels like they've stretched on for even longer but his mind finally registers the slip of her fingers away from his and Claude squeezes her hands again enough to keep them there in hopes she'll stay. ]
You're not awful because you feel something. And more than that, if you think that changes anything about my feelings then you've underestimated what it is I feel about you. I'm not asking you to change anything about who you are and I never would. That's not why I fell - [ a pause, then a wry and briefly humorless smile because that's the very word that helped add to this before - ] I've fallen for you.
no subject
There are some days she could choke on her lovesick jealousy. Ever since she can recall she's left claw marks in everything she's ever wanted and owned. How is that considered love? Because that's what this feeling is, isn't it? It can never have been anything but love when it's come to Claude. And if so, isn't that what all of this fighting and awful self-awareness has culminated into? Finding a softer way to love no matter what the outcome of that looks like?
Her retreat is met with resistance and her eyes dart from him to their still clasped hands below the water. Despite the loud sound of panic that swells in her head, a part of her faintly thinks that it's probably a good thing that he's held on. Not because she wants him to, but because she's ready to run right out of the tub and back to the loft. Maybe there's still a way she can save them from adding one more to their ever growing pile.
But then he doesn't agree with her. Nor does he tell her that she's awful for nurturing all of this jealousy in her heart, letting it feast on her like some parasite before it had crawled out of her throat to lash out at him that night in the Horizon. When she sees his lips twitch, trying and failing to form humour around the semantics of the word she had misinterpreted for weeks, her lips involuntarily twitch equally humourless. ]
Aren’t you supposed to want me to be better?
[ Better, sweeter, more graceful - anything to just accept he and Sylvain without pang, longing or bitterness on her tongue?
This is the part in her romance novels where the person on the receiving end of similar reassurances surrenders themselves to the person they had been pining for all this time. Instead her heart strains against the lead weights that she's anchored them to. It's not that they don't fill her heart with warmth or chip away at the box that she's built around herself. It’s that after years of convincing herself that her box is only meant to be filled with sweet, expensive, soft things that she’s found herself in the middle of a maelstrom of emotions that are none of those things.
The smile falls, dashed by a bite of her bottom lip as her eyes begin to mist. ]
I’m supposed to be happy for you two. I’m supposed to just walk behind you both cheering you on because that’s where I belong — not wish that it were me. [ Her voice wavers under the weight of the expectation of what it would mean to be responsible for his happiness. To be responsible for holding his heart with the care he deserves. ] I want so badly to make you happy but I’m so scared I won’t be able to because all I’ve done lately is hurt you. There’s no amount of jewelry or apologies I can make for putting you through that.
[ The steps she’s been trying to keep up with in this fumbling, awkward dance come to a halt. ]
And even if we know our feelings now — where do we go from here?
no subject
[ There's nothing about either of those statements he understands, and the frown on his face is genuine as a result. To Claude, it seems in direct opposition to what he'd just said. Both of them could be linked somehow, he supposes, but feel entirely outside of the realm of the love for her as far as he's concerned. Even with all the things he knows about her from all those years of friendship and what'd followed that's known to be not so unrequited as believed for nearly the entirety of the same set of years, even with the months of misunderstanding each other on top of that, if those are real things Hilda believes he'd think about her - there's more that'll have to be explained by how she chooses to answer that.
The mirroring of the forced attempt at any kind of humor doesn't bring him any comfort either, much as he has to guess it didn't for Hilda when he'd tried. At some point, possibly, they might be able to joke about this properly when it feels like an old ache instead of a barely healed wound. It'll take trust being healed between them first on both ends amongst other actions yet to be determined because emotions aren't enough by themselves to make up the difference.
But - it is a start. And that last question, at least, is something Claude does have an answer for. ]
I think we start trying. Actually trying, and at something between the both of us that isn't keeping feelings hidden away. That'd mean not going back to- whatever we could call what things were before. Not because any of it was wrong but because I don't think it's right for us anymore, and I think we start over at the beginning so all the steps we skipped before really do happen this time. Maybe we start with actual dates instead of accidental ones. That's what I want if you do, too.
[ Because that's a qualifier that has to be added - to underscore that he can't ask her to accept something that'd make her unhappy even if (he would hope) that part goes without needing to be said to be true. Now he does let go of one of her hands to lift it out of the water, tentatively telegraphing each move made to give her time to reject him placing it on the side of her face as if to ward away the tears gathering in her eyes. ]
no subject
Aren't I? If I'm not walking behind whoever my future betrothed is at home then I'll be walking behind Holst, cheering him on.
[ There is a third option of course. But that was barred shut behind a door and she had lost the key to it the moment she had witnessed the scalding, gut wrenching disappointment in the wake of the prodigal son's failure.
There's no dramatics, no waterworks or wavering voice. Just a quiet acceptance of predetermined fates for a youngest and only daughter who feared trying. Complacency and fear would never pair well with someone like Claude. A brave Princess of Brigid would. So would a very capable, very kind-hearted heir to Gautier. She's never allowed herself to fathom more of a future with Claude because of lack of seriousness, war, and now her own shortcomings.
It feels like just another reminder that her careless hands are incapable of taking care of his heart. Provides evidence that this wouldn't work. The conclusion is a loud jarring sound that rings out in her head. She barely registers the way he raises his hand to gently cup her face, the reverberations from that awful truth making it suddenly hard to breathe and push tears to the corners of her eyes. It's only belatedly that her brain seems to register what he's saying. Start over from the beginning. Try something new with the hope that it would turn into more. Hope that she had been suffocating for so long that she almost doesn't know how to nurture it again and give it room to grow.
A disbelieving breath meant to be a laugh is pushed from her lungs. ]
You still want to try even though you know I'm jealous of you and Sylvain? And that I might never get over that? [ Old habits die hard and her tone betrays that even she doesn't believe she's capable of that. Her voice breaks and more tears slip. ] And what happens if all our trying doesn't work?
[ The thought of losing someone that had carved his name on her ribcage and held her heart in his hands in any capacity grips her anew. Hilda didn't want to grasp at love turned to dust because of her own doing. She had had her fill of breathing in heartache. This is why she had never tried, never bothered to put much investment in anything more serious than flirting, skin and sheets. ]
no subject
Far more important things are here in front of them with how her expression looks like it could still crumble at any moment until those tears gather. It's impossible for them to not pull at his heartstrings as they always do and he concentrates on gently wiping them away while thinking carefully. There's the first thing he wants to say on instinct and then possibly what he should stop to think about saying instead. The initial thought is honesty, potentially more of it than either of them have ever exercised outside of this very conversation where so much of it that's been overdue has come to pass. This won't be the end of it, he's certain, and maybe that's what he needs to keep in mind.
When his answer doesn't seem to change no matter how much he thinks about it, Claude offers her a smile fleetingly tinged with no small amount of sadness. ]
What's the alternative then, that we don't try at all? I think we already know what that looks like, too. [ There's no chiding in that; as far as Claude's concerned it's another fact about everything. About the last few months in particular to which there's certainly no going back to that, and as for what was before it? That doesn't seem to be a solution either when he'd meant it about it not being right. ] But if you decide that's what you want when you're ready to make a decision, we'll figure it out somehow.
[ It's been years, he'd told her once in the last time they'd gone in a larger circle around everything than this. Years he wouldn't trade for anything even if it meant the pain they've faced here at each other's hands and otherwise, and the fear of losing everything else they'd once had is every bit as much on Claude's mind as he squeezes her hand still in his again. ]
And until you do, I'm not ready to give up on this or us. I can't promise you everything will be fine, Hilda. Neither one of us can promise that to each other no matter what it's for, but what we can do is try to get through whatever happens together. That much, at least, will always be the same as it ever has.
no subject
But belief in Claude? That had bloomed long before she had realized it herself much like her feelings for him had come unexpectedly like a rogue gust of playful wind on a summer's day. Perhaps it had started out playfully enough as a way to rile Lorenz, but before long it had grown into something far more genuine. Something that sparked a conviction in her that she had never felt before, one that made her want to help him see his dreams come true. Because if she wasn't destined for anything else, maybe she could help someone who was. Who is.
Did she want her and Claude, something she had yearned and pined over for years? Did she want to support him and Sylvain and gracefully cheer them on without an ounce of jealousy in her heart? Or did she want something else, an elusive third option that remained behind lock and key that she would never admit to wanting for fear of what it could mean? She didn't know what she wanted. She didn't know what came next. But she knew she loved him and knew that she wanted to believe him when they said they would figure this out together.
The soft white noise hum that has become synonymous with accepting that she would always be running to catch up, with watching him turn his back and fly away fades out. Instead he's there, waiting for her, hand outstretched hoping that she'll take it. He's here, wiping away the hot tears spilling down her cheeks faster than he can catch them, squeezing her hand like he's terrified he'll lose her. There's no mask, no facade of him in sight. It's just him holding out his own heart much in the same way she had been holding out hers all this time.
Her response starts slow and small. The weight of his calloused, warm hand against her cheek anchors her. Her hand comes to rest overtop it, tangling their fingers together. Her eyes slide shut as she turns pressing kisses into his palm. It's affection she hasn't dared show him in months, not since that night in a too-small bed in a makeshift hospital in Nocwich. ]
I'm scared. [ The admission is quiet and thick with tears even as she continues to press salty kisses to his palm. ] But I'm not going to run away from this. From us.
[ Tears cling to her lashes as her eyes open. She dares herself to be a little bolder, a little braver, trying to push the fear of rejection from her heart. With deliberation she closes the space between them slowly enough to give him time to stop her. Their knees bump up against one another's like awkward teenagers as she leans forward, lips hovering just above his for a heartbeat, for two, waiting for his quiet permission for them to meet. ]
no subject
What would the Claude of a few months ago from when they'd sat on the shores in Aquila think? What would his self from prior to arriving here think beyond being shocked for so many reasons over what'd come to pass? Would those changes be surprising as they felt now to look back on? Would all of that guardedness had been worth it for what it'd nearly - and still could - cost him, or would he have not so foolishly let something so valuable to him almost slip away? For so long he's lived as if there are no guarantees except the ones he'd leveraged for himself, and for too long this had seemed so certain despite so many unknowns in what they'd kept from each other.
It's brought back into focus now as Hilda says she's scared even while pressing kisses that feel like sparks against his palm with a promise that's more than he could've hoped for. The same can be said for when she moves closer, and it's easy then to let go of her hand. The loss of contact is temporary since he replaces it with placing it along her jaw to cradle it gently. For once the pause isn't to draw things out or to tease as it might have been on other nights, in other times besides this one when this is meant for time to appreciate a person he loves dearly.
There's so much more that he could say. He could tell her that this is all terrifying to him for different or possibly even the same reasons, that there'd been no lie when he'd told her she was the first person he'd ever truly let in. That even if there was still more to go he wants her to know the rest, but that story doesn't stop there when there's more of it to write together. All things which should and will be said, but there's more time to say them. Will be other times to say them and for now, until it's the right moments for each thought in turn, it will be enough to let them speak in another way.
There's no hesitation when Claude leans in to close that small gap left between them to meet her mouth with his for a kiss. Long overdue and yet somehow perfectly timed for everything they've been through, and he wills all those dreams to pass through it while gently deepening the kiss slightly but not further as they open a door to rediscovering each other in what's unsaid. Things that finally aren't unrequited but instead promised with hope behind them because while it feels like home as it always has: this is a chance to build a new one together. ]
no subject
The affection that had nestled between her ribs and bloomed into love for him would know. Yes, they stand amidst the rubble battered, bruised, eyes red rimmed from tears shed. But the foundation is still sound. Through everything they’ve experienced that has been constant. They could try and rebuild from here. They would try. And hopefully new flowers would bloom from beneath their feet.
As if the thought calls forth the feeling, something else sprouts in her heart. She worries it between her lips before the taste of it settles on her tongue – this is homecoming.
Her arms loop gently over his shoulders drawing him closer, meeting him in the kiss. After a moment she senses the pause, the clear way that he stops himself from going too far. Fearful doubt attempts to spring up. Is this familiarity she feels simply one sided? Should she not have kissed him? What was once a reaction that might have made sense could be anything now. Before she can backslide further into worry she pulls back, resting her forehead against his as a means of disguising her doubt as a need for a breath.
Fingertips brush against his jaw, his lips in apologetic reverence. The swallow of the lump in her throat isn't just to try to sound audible as she speaks; it's an attempt to dispel the dissenting voices in her head. Tears still cling to her lashes and her voice. ]
I'm sorry for hurting you.
[ There's more that she could say, like some sort of explanation for her behaviour. Shame prevents her from admitting again and again that she's just a jealous, petty creature, afraid of being left behind, of being forgotten and possessive over something she thought was hers being taken away from her. It doesn't matter that Claude had already told her he cared for her, negative traits and all; a lifetime of acting one way so people would find that version of her attractive can't be washed away with just one confession.
One apology doesn't absolve her from her wrongdoings. ]
no subject
It's for the best Hilda breaks it to end before he loses his resolve to move slowly, not take things too far too quickly within mere minutes of making that promise. That she stays close is enough, Claude tells himself, even as his hands itch to pull her even closer still to make up for months of distance. But now there's time to make up for that, too, which continues to feel like a small revelation each time it crosses his mind and as her fingers trace over him, something he hadn't realized he'd taken for granted until it was no longer there.
Something he nearly means to say in some capacity, but Hilda beats him to speaking. What she says makes his heart twist to the point where he needs a minute to say what he was ready to for some time. There's no reason to overthink it when it's the start of what to offer, a first step to lay the groundwork to more. ]
I'm sorry for hurting you, too. [ Much as he doesn't want to move - even this barely counts as moving - Claude tips his head back enough to be able to kiss her forehead when it's the best outlet he can find without derailing what needs to be said past that and cracks his eyes open afterwards to search her face. ] I thought- I thought I was making the right choice by not telling you so it'd spare you from hurting, but then I caused something even worse. It won't happen again.
[ Another promise, another very important one, and all the better to place one lingering tender kiss to her cheekbone before another below, over salt and all, and continuing on in a slow meander towards her jaw like each is meant to seal it. ]
no subject
It better not.
[ Her attempt at levity may or may not land - especially with it being as water logged as it is. Perhaps if this hadn't been near relationship ending she might have put more efforts into the dramatics. But she can't because she silently vows it too: this amount of devastation to one another's hearts wouldn't ever come to pass again.
The absence of his lips on hers (where they belong, where they would always have a home in this timeline and the next) leaves a palpable absence of warmth. But she quietly thinks to herself, she'll accept the forehead kiss and the kisses that follow. The water laps at their skin as she adjusts herself on his lap, wrapping her legs around his waist, dispelling that much more space between them.
His kisses leave her trembling in their wake. Turning her head slightly she presses a tender kiss of her own to his temple, hands carding gently through the hair at the nape of his neck. Regret reaches across her voice. ]
I let my jealousy and doubt get the best of me when I should have listened to you. I should never have doubted you.
[ She pulls away just enough again, pausing his kisses for just a moment to look at him. To look at the face that she adored. That she loved. The words catch in her teeth but the look she gives him runs over with the feeling. Her hand comes to settle over his heart. ]
I know there are so many things I can’t do, [ Not like Sylvain, not even like Claude himself. ] but I’ll do whatever I can do to support you. I’m with you all the way — here or in any timeline.
no subject
Hilda pulls back before he can so he'll have to save that for later, and in lieu of it studies her back just as much as she's doing to him. Another luxury he's not been allowed and missed, and even if Claude doesn't want to identify the outlines of that feeling etched into her beautiful face when that feels like something he's not allowed quite yet - that doesn't stop the same emotion from echoing back in his own.
So much so that he needs another second to close his eyes before it gets to be too much in only the best way, and upon opening them he lets go of her to cover her hand on his chest with his own while tangling their fingers together. ]
I think I gave you enough reasons to doubt me. [ With a smile with ever so slight sad resignation playing around the edges of it when there's no taking back what'd happened, much as it makes him committed to not repeating it - or dwelling on it. ] I've always believed in you, Hilda. That'll never change in this lifetime or any other one no matter what. Even when you doubt yourself, whether things are difficult or not, and no matter where we are. I meant what I said before, you know. I'll always be here for you.
no subject
But the grip of Claude's hands over hers loosen the grip that the fear, the jealousy, the doubt all had on her just a little more. It pries the clawed hands covering her eyes just a little further off her face so she could see the cracks of light begin to peak through.
Could he hear the way her heart stuttered in her chest so full of love and ache for him? Or the way her pulse falls so perfectly in time with his? It would be embarassing were it not for the fact that she had missed him so viscerally that her body was already falling into habits her mind had worked so hard to forget. To be adored by him and to adore him in return, to have his belief returned to her, is a honeyed vice she had started a war for even though she had done nothing to deserve it in the first place.
Still, that doesn't stop the weights anchoring her heart from lightening. It doesn't stop her eyes misting at the sincerity of his words, nor does it prevent her heart from swelling. In spite of herself she lets out a spluttering, watery laugh as she presses their foreheads together once more. ]
Stop being so sweet to me or else I'm going to fall for you all over again. And cry. Which is really the more burdensome of the two. The attendants are going to think we fought and then you're going to have to explain that isn't the case.
no subject
It won't fix everything, of course. Everything that's happened can't be undone, but it also doesn't have to be. They'll find a way past it - through it, over it, whichever way doesn't minimize what might finally now be part of their past rather than the nightmare it's been of the present day for so long. It'll be another important part in that story after all.
So is this: the moment where her forehead leans against his with a scolding for making those tears appear in the first place and a quiet laugh finally feels like the right response as he reaches up to brush back a tendril of pink hair back into place. ]
Well, we can't have that. Though if you think about it, would it be fighting or that we'll have to walk out of here explaining that maybe the couples package wasn't the wrong label to use after all?
[ He's teasing and the amount of amusement in his voice will (hopefully) make that apparent given that it's far too early for any such labels to be tossed around, but. The staff really might have some questions after their shocked faces when walking in compared to leaving. ]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)