abraxaslogs | [ CLOSED ] the dawn is opening

Are you? I think I need to experience it a bit more before I make a full decision on that.

[ As if Claude's not experienced it plenty and also isn't right here and now, technically speaking, or hasn't spent plenty of nights by now as the blanket himself reading while Sylvain's out cold. But bringing any of that up is no fun as he playfully offers a light tug to the hair curled around his fingers all because he can. ]

Also, I kinda think it might be difficult to explore if you're draped over me as a blanket. Unless you're offering to carry me around as part of that promised warming, then that might work.

I won’t need to carry you anywhere if we just stay in bed, you realize.

[ Grinning as he stays reclined there on Claude’s stomach, he takes a moment to just enjoy the feeling of those fingers in his hair before he rolls over onto his side, facing Claude now so he can peer up at his face while still using him as a pillow. ]

Which sounds like a brilliant idea in general. We should do that more often.

Oh, sorry to hear you're that tired. [ Said around another mouthful of pastry since he'd wasted no time in taking another bite when this choice of what'd been in the bakery's display was a good one. There's plenty of cheese and the spices go well with it, though that won't stop him from hassling Sylvain like he doesn't know what's being said. ] No wonder you were about to nap out here in the middle of the park. I'd hate to keep you up any longer.

[ Now there's a smirk considering: they're rather good at keeping each other awake, and that thought certainly doesn't need to be voiced for it to be true. Claude immediately moves his hand again, this time to place it lightly over Sylvain's eyes to block out the light even if the other man is now kind of, sort of sitting up enough to look alert. ]

Here, just pretend it's nighttime and you can catch up on some rest.

[ There’s a scoff as Sylvain bats away that hand, laughter still glinting in his gaze. ]

Please. We both know you love keeping me ‘up’. In all manner of speaking. Because you’re a fucking tease, for one. And you’re never sorry about it at all.

[ Then again, neither is he, so he’s really not one to complain here. ]

And it works out well for you every time, doesn't it? I regret absolutely nothing.

[ Managed after he stops laughing at that response; he should've seen that coming, really, but it makes it all the more entertaining he didn't. A thought he's had frequently about Sylvain over the months and one that's slowly crystalized into one more pointed than the vague associations he's had with it here and there, and something he'll still keep to himself. Repeating the past, Claude thinks wryly, even as he tells himself yet again this is enough. ]

Though if that's your roundabout way of saying I should stop, I can always make your life easier and do just that. Seems rather boring, though, I've gotta say.

[ Sylvain just grins and twists until he’s half sprawled atop Claude instead of using him as a pillow now. Propped up on one elbow over him, he bends to indulge in a slow, fond kiss. ]

Well, Goddess forbid we ever let things get boring. I can’t say I have any regrets about it, either. That wasn’t a complaint, after all, merely a statement of fact.

[ Sylvain's slow approach by way of rearranging himself is something he watches with a smile. A move he's familiar with by now from times like this and enough so he's lost count of them, and which makes it easier to tilt his chin up just enough to meet that incoming kiss. ]

It sounded a little like complaining. [ Just for good measure, even as he's every bit as fondly reaching up to tuck some strands of red hair flopping forward back to where they should go, but that's a losing fight against gravity as they tip right back over and Claude lets out a small huff of amusement. ] But as long as we're agreed on the no regrets aspect then it's hard to argue that or that it's all far from boring.

[ Unable to help grinning down at him, Sylvain remains where he is, just as comfortable here as he’d been pillowed on Claude’s stomach. ]

I’m more likely to complain in the midst of your teasing, not as much outside of it. Because it typically does work out in my favor. Eventually. But I’m not the most patient of people, just in case you hadn’t picked up on that fact yet.

[ He know Claude has. It’s a pretty hard fact to miss, especially when it comes to indulgences.

Then again, can Claude really blame him? ]

You, impatient? I would've never guessed.

[ Even if it somehow wasn't already so easy to grin back, it would've been even more so at that one above him taking the place of the sun. In light and in warmth, he thinks, and possibly as less than a metaphor but a reality and the sort of thing that makes it tempting to reach up and run a fingertip along it to make sure it's real. He doesn't, instead letting his hands rest idly against Sylvain's chest while he puts on a thinking expression. ]

Though now that you mention it, I have noticed some complaining going on. Though I think there's another word for it when you pair it with please, isn't there? Might have something to do with all that impatience, if I had to guess.

[ Sylvain just gives a noncommittal hum and starts kissing his way back Claude’s jaw, content to stay right where he is. They’re still out in public, but their picnic spot had been secluded enough and if he’s honest? He doesn’t really care if someone wandering past sees. ]

I have no idea what you could be implying.

[ He’s lying through his teeth, of course. Then again, he wouldn’t actually deny the fact that Claude has made him beg on countless occasions.

As startling as that is for him to realize. Him, the one who had controlled every interaction - intimate or otherwise - with an iron grip and a blithe smile from the time he was old enough to know how. It had been a necessity of survival, or so he’d always convinced himself. This… Claude… It made everything different. Broke every single rule he’d ever held hard and fast to.

It meant that he’s lost control of where this was going ages ago and he still hadn't figured out of that was a good thing or not. Maybe good in the moment, he conceded, although he still watched and waited for the other shoe to drop. For the inevitable crash and burn. That it was looming in his future wasn’t something he questioned - or the growing awareness that this crash, this burn, was going to be like no other - it was only a matter of when. Or how.

Or, maybe, who.

He shies away from that, despite the words he’d exchanged with Hilda a few days before still lurking at the back of his mind. He wasn’t comfortable with his own insecurities - not that he didn’t acknowledge or understand them, but that, for the first time, he was suddenly desperately afraid of the after.

Not a thought for a sunny afternoon, he chides himself silently, as he moves up to steal another kiss from Claude’s lips, slow and lazy. No need to borrow trouble earlier than he needed to. His time in Abraxas had become an entirely new exercise in “enjoy each day for what it is” and he didn’t intend to break the trend today. ]

I bet you don't.

[ It's a pathetic comeback and he knows it. It's on the same level as Sylvain claiming ignorance to what was said, but Claude doesn't bother to find a different one or a better one, instead content to close his eyes as those familiar lips work their way across his skin. A smile to match that warm feeling comes to rest on his face as he shifts to abandon the book onto the blanket, place in it be damned, and then winds his arms around Sylvain's shoulders to keep him close.

A far cry from months ago when he'd said he'd spent the first few months here wondering what Sylvain's ulterior motives might've been, convinced as he was they existed. But time had proven he was wrong and then even more time had turned it into something else until this had crept up without his notice to bring them here, where a one time knight presses kisses along the jaw of a one time duke.

When it stops he cracks one eye open in time to see Sylvain shift again and it's easy again to meet that kiss with a soft noise of satisfaction he hardly notices making. There it is again, that too heart full feeling, the one he's come to associate with Hilda that he'd once also tried to resist falling into before surrendering to it. Maybe the only strange thing here is that it'd taken him so long to accept the possibility of it happening again with someone else.

It's that thought of trying which has him breaking their kiss to press another one to Sylvain's bottom lip and absently seeking out some longer strands of hair to play with again as he grins. With something else also in mind, of course. ]

Unless you've learned Silence while I wasn't looking, I might have to find quieter ways to bring out your impatience now that we're not the only ones in the loft these days. But I'm sure we can think of something.

[ He’d known it would come up eventually. He’s actually been waiting for it ever since he’d spoken with Hilda about everything. Wondering how long it would take Claude to bring it up.

Having it just dropped out in the open now, like this, still catches him off-guard enough that he goes still above Claude for a moment. Freezes, as that just… opens up a dozen other questions he’d been trying very hard not to think about over the past few days.

It suddenly casts their afternoon out today in a very different light.

Drawing back enough that he can see Claude’s face, amber eyes search his expression intently, a hint of uncertainty creeping into his gaze without him even realizing it.

He tries to keep his tone lighthearted and joking, not wanting the other man to realize how much lurked behind the simple question. He doesn’t want that - or himself - affecting the answer. ]

Are you… going to still be interested in that? [ A chuckle, that sounds stilted even to his ears, as he rests on his arms once more, drawing back a little to give Claude space. ]

[ The sudden stillness catches him entirely off-guard. It's not difficult to pinpoint it exactly to what he'd said, though the why behind that is a mystery.

What's no mystery at all is feeling something like tension creep in as nothing's said. He's quick to smooth away the furrow in his brow he can feel before Sylvain pulls back to be able to see it, and just as wordlessly Claude studies him right back as they look at each other.

The hesitancy in that question hurts a little, but not as much as that Sylvain pretends (sort of) like there's nothing attached to that. Like he almost believes his own nonchalance - or expects Claude to even if he sees right through that. Months of time with each other would've made it clear it was an act if not for it being a similar tool they both have tucked away in their kits to pull out as a misdirection.

Except, Claude thinks as Sylvain pulls away to put an intentional distance between them as slight as it is, it's far from enough to make him back away. ]

I wasn't planning on teasing you by mentioning something and then not using it, if that's what you're asking.

[ It's not and Claude knows it without needing to be told otherwise, but there's enough unknowns that on this, he's actually unsure of whether to press for them or to make the assumption on what it's supposed to mean. Perhaps it wouldn't be the worst to pass on his turn for that to see what Sylvain says next and whether it'll reveal anything. ]

[ His gaze drops to the vicinity of Claude's chest for a moment, a mixture of tension in his own form as well as ahint of shame at the note in Claude's voice as he replies to that.

He doesn't answer that it wouldn't be the first time he's had to wade through that option - Claude doesn't need to know that, and besides, that doesn't really affect here and now. Claude, he reminds himself for the hundredth time, isn't like any of those that had come before.

Of course, that's only partially comforting, because that means Sylvain spends half the time trying to figure out what the fuck is happening between them at any given moment when he has no frame of reference for it. ]

Well, I know how much you like to tease. [ He knows the joke will fall flat even before he finishes uttering it. Which is why he just sighs and lets his gaze flit back up to meet Claude's gaze. That hint of uncertainty is still there, but it's dampened somewhat. Waiting. ]

That's not what I'm asking. Not really. But I know how important Hilda is to you. I figured... we'd have to have some sort of discussion about it at some point soon. She told me you guys were working through things a few days ago.

[ Nothing about Sylvain's reaction does anything but heighten his slowly growing unease. It's furthered by that joke which is barely one at all both in its lack of success and because he recognizes it as yet another thing he might do himself, and so Claude simply waits and looks at Sylvain evenly to find out if there'll be more following the sigh which seems like acknowledgement of that not working.

He doesn't have long to wait. Uncertainty still curves its way around the other man's features when he looks up but even the clarification doesn't seem to help. Once again Claude has the feeling he's missing something. And while that's something he normally loves since it means a chance to pry into whatever it is, much like with Hilda, it's more a source of frustration for not knowing where it stems from - even if Sylvain is admittedly more of an overall mystery to him. ]

A discussion, huh. [ Of all the things to be thinking about right now, it suddenly occurs to Claude how still both of them have gone compared to seconds ago. Once again by virtue of what he'd said, something meant playfully but now seems to have shifted things on an axis, and for something closer to normal he runs his fingers idly over Sylvain's shirt where it's in reach. ] And you were expecting something to change because of it?

[ When in doubt - of which Claude has plenty after parsing through those short sentences - wait for the other person to answer first. ]

I don’t know.

[ Sylvain’s replay is uncommonly blunt, for someone who typically dances around most of his answers until there’s no other option. And while that uncertainty still lurks in his gaze, he manages, at least, to keep his eyes locked on Claude’s.

Even if it does make him uncomfortable, with how intent Claude’s stare has turned. He doesn’t know what that means either. ]

That’s why I’m asking. I know… I know how you feel about her. How you’ve always felt about her. And how she feels about you. And I’m glad you two have finally dragged your heads out of your asses and started talking about it again.

I guess… I’m just not sure how the rest of it is going to go.

[ A logical sort of sense unfurls in what Sylvain says.

It matches, he thinks vaguely, somewhat in what Hilda had said in meaning the same thing though her way of saying it to him was different. Different due to their shared history, and because of everything that'd happened here. But doesn't that also apply to the two of them? There's a different variety of things dragged here with them both from Fodlan - some of which he's sure they'd each other the other hadn't seen when they'd surfaced - but in the end, whatever this is: it's something they've created entirely of their own.

It shouldn't be so difficult to place a label onto the this they're staring down. He could volunteer one. Claude, however, isn't ready to let go of reticence just yet. ]

How do you want the rest of it to go?

[ He knows what it is he wants out of this, but that's no guarantee it'll match where Sylvain is leading this conversation. Call it a check rather than placing a bet this round. ]

[ He hates when Claude starts turning a simple conversation into a chess match.

Sighing, he pushes himself back enough that he can sit up, crossing his legs under him. A blade of grass is plucked up from atop the blanket, giving his fingers something to fidget with as he tries to find an answer here that’s not going to send the entire thing cascading into disaster.

It might be too late for that already.

He doesn’t volunteer that he’s pretty sure what he wants doesn’t matter all that much here. He’s pretty accustomed to that, actually, but he already knows Claude would likely take that the wrong way. Or the right way? But it doesn’t change the fact of it, at it’s core.

That what Claude and Hilda have between them, a connection that’s been simmering for years and finally blossoming into something more, is far deeper than anything Sylvain ever expects from anyone. Typically he knows where he stands and this would normally be the point where he starts making his excuses, starts making himself scarce, let’s them explore whatever this new thing is between them. When deeper feelings get involved, he knows his time is up. ]

I don’t know. I’m not sure there’s many ways it can go. [ He offers a weak attempt at a smile, knowing it wouldn’t have fooled him anymore than he expects it to actually fool Claude. ] But if you were just planning on letting it go as we have been, I’m okay with that.

[ Was he? He’s not sure. But it was still better than nothing, right? He was trying to remind himself that he could be content enough with things as they were. ]

[ It feels like a series of unfortunate events follow his question. Sylvain sits up in something which can't be anything other than pulling away for a bit of distance both physically if not for also with everything else. Claude watches as that blade of grass gets tangled one way and then another as he props himself up to now recline on his elbows while studying Sylvain. If what unease he'd felt before was a small hum then it grows considerably louder now, and he has to remind himself to not grab onto it and hone it into a weapon meant to provoke even more distance.

His past self wouldn't have hesitated in doing so. How many times had he dug his fingers into it to build another wall as yet another way to keep someone out? But even that can't be called an action long retired and relegated to another time because he'd done it here in everything that'd gone on with Hilda, and was in fact still working on figuring out how to dismantle some of those walls again. Does he really want to figure out how to have to do the same with Sylvain?

The answer doesn't take more than a second to arrive: he doesn't. ]

If you're going to lie to me about being fine with something, you might want to work on making your expression match what you're saying.

[ Maybe if it were anything else Claude could've followed his own advice (somewhat) and made that sound teasing, like some kind of inside joke, but it doesn't cross any lines into any shades of irritation or anywhere close, either. It is what it is, just a blunt statement to refute buying anything about what Sylvain just said.

But it's also a reminder to not leap to too many conclusions when doing the same almost cost him so much with Hilda, and Claude's not eager to repeat that experience even accidentally if it'll cause Sylvain to withdraw even farther in more ways than one. Instead he waits to catch the other man's gaze, then continues with something gentler and moving ever closer to the actual point. ]

That's not what I want, and I don't think it's what you want either. But - I don't know that unless you tell me, Sylvain.

[ Claude calls his bluff when Sylvain hadn’t even been fully aware he’d offered one. The quick startled movement of his gaze as it lifts to Claude’s probably gives that away, but then it remains there, caught and pinned in place by the look the other man is giving him. And by the gentler tone he finishes that in.

Even if he’s pretty sure he’d kept his expression pretty well in control for most of that. Apparently not good enough. Then again, this is Claude. He’s not sure he’ll ever be a good enough liar to fool him for long. Not when he’s actually looking. Sylvain can get away with it plenty when the man doesn’t know where he’s supposed to be looking, or what Sylvain might be trying to hide.

But he holds Claude’s gaze with a hint of stubbornness, even though it feels like something in him might be bleeding right now. ]

This isn’t just about what I want. I’m not sure that even holds any weight here. [ It shouldn’t. There are much more important things that should be balancing the scales. ] I’m not the one things have changed for. I’m giving you an out, if you need it, Claude. I know what she means to you. And this… [ He gestures at the pair of them before giving a quiet sigh, that thought tripping over itself before he can let it fully form. ] We never really decided what this was.

[ Fun. A fling? Two of them exploring where all that flirting and teasing could go. Mutual enjoyment.

But it had always been in the back of his mind, that awareness that he was a placeholder. That no matter what happened or where this went, his time always had an expiration date.

It always did. He made sure of it. ]

[ The look Sylvain gives him at first nearly makes him laugh, if only because it's so close to when Marianne used to be surprised about being acknowledged. But whatever tiny bit of humor was in that quickly fades away since - this isn't the same, and there's no sign of Sylvain relaxing anywhere afterwards that he can find.

For good reason, it seems, based on what follows.

In the seconds ticking by afterwards, too many feelings crowd in for Claude to name. Here he'd been worried about putting up any walls to find Sylvain seems to have already established one meant to keep him out. And that because of it and with a sinking feeling growing in his chest, he realizes maybe this is what Sylvain thinks he wants even if he doesn't want to accept that. ]

That sounds a lot less like an out and far more like you saying you've already decided something.

[ Any frustration he's feeling is kept out of his voice thanks to all those years of practice in modulating it to be nothing more than what he wants to show when it's called for. Right now Claude doesn't want to reveal much of anything as he keeps his tone even and his gaze pinned on the other man to make sure he catches every detail of every reaction, though not without a furrow appearing in his brow that's not yet a frown but could be depending on what's said next. It's a starting point. All of it, he reminds himself, to figuring out where to press upon to find what he wants - what he's pretty sure they both want. ]

I didn't ask you to come out here today to end anything because again, that's also not what I want. But if you're going to do that instead, don't act like you're doing me some kind of favor by throwing away something that's good and could be even better.

I haven't. [ Which is true enough, even if Claude might not see it that way. He looks down again, staring at the mangled piece of grass his fingers are still twisting and fidgeting with. ] I was more... bracing for what I figured was coming. Eventually, anyway. I didn't think you would have picked a cute picnic as the place to do it, either, but hey. I've had this conversation in worse places, I suppose.

[ He actually does manage to make that last bit come out as a joke.

Although bringing up his very dubious past is probably a terrible idea right now. The last thing he wants to do is remind Claude of why he should be having that conversation right now. ]

I don't want to throw it away. But I don't... [ He stops, frustrated, before forcing the words out, no matter how terrible they sound. He's never admitted anything like this to Claude before. Jesper, a few times. Hilda, when they were both drunk and melancholy. But Claude's opinion of him was different, and he was impossible to predict in his reactions. It made confessing something like this all the more terrifying for stepping into the unknown. ]

I don't know how to do 'better'. I barely know how to handle something this good already. You've already put up with me for far longer than I expected you to.

Edited 2023-11-08 00:31 (UTC)

[ He doesn't laugh. Doesn't even crack a smile to give Sylvain any of the levity he's seeking out with one of those things said for supposed comedic effect that Claude's figured out have either filaments of truth in them or are truths entirely as if saying them that way will make them be brushed aside. It's one of those things they share, he'd realized long ago, and if it wasn't for doing his best impression of a statue it'd be tempting to get his own grass to shred.

No reaction at all can be as encouraging as anything else, he's learned over the years. Encouraging being a relative term since it's almost always for dragging forth the rest of what's waiting to be said rather than offering that out, and this is no exception. It's not about the past - something Claude couldn't care less about other than being another fact about Sylvain. Another thing on the list of whatever was left behind in other lives, but he doesn't think that's really what Sylvain's trying to say.

It's worth waiting. It's also enough for him to study the other man in the quiet following before pushing himself up to sit up. ]

Don't know how to do 'better', huh. Are you sure about that? I can think of more than a few reasons why that's not true either.

[ The exasperation's not gone, not entirely, but it's enough to put it to the side momentarily to pull this away from where Sylvain's taking it. Regardless of whether Sylvain's planning to interrupt, Claude's going to keep right on talking. ]

I could start with Aquila, for one, and with everything else you'd planned when all I was supposed to do was wear a dress. Or quite a few dinners since then, and not just the ones attached to special occasions and more like just because as you'd said more than a couple times. I could certainly mention everything about a particular day in July and all that you put into making it happen when you didn't have to. Should I keep going?

[ He makes a frustrated sound under his breath, a hand scraping down over his face in agitation. He's not sure if Claude is missing the point here, or if he is.

Those actions are ones he's done hundreds of times. Maybe not with that much focus and attention to detail, but as far as actions go, he doesn't feel like that's enough for Claude to try and build his argument around. Planning dates, making grand gestures - or even small heartfelt ones - those are as deeply ingrained in him as his terrible pickup lines and allergies to commitment.

Granted, he often saved those more for people who meant something to him, rather than those who tried to drape their ambitions and manipulations around him. They were safer to lavish with gifts. Even if he sometimes felt guilty that maybe he was just prolonging things by buying his way into their affections for a while longer. ]

Claude, I would have done those things even if we weren't sleeping together, so I'm not sure that argument is actually relevant here.

[ The sound Sylvain makes and one he recognizes as something smothered and possibly not meant to be heard grates his nerves. It's not a proper answer to what he'd said, and the lack of anything he can do something with is an irritation even if his expression remains unchanged. He's had the thought before about Sylvain being so many variables in one and where he gets a grasp one on of them they seem to shift again to be something besides what the picture presented is.

It does once more when Sylvain tells him something that feels important but if it's supposed to prove something else Claude, for once, doesn't have the slightest idea of what it is.

Instead it's a terrible sort of axis tilt again where there's something else to hear in there - something he doesn't want to because that'd mean he'd read all of this - and that'd mean -

That's getting ahead of himself with that ever present desire to find the answers. Which is why he goes back to staring at Sylvain, attempting to keep incredulity from his expression though eventually it seeps in little by little before he finally raises an eyebrow as if to say, And? ]

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