[ CLOSED ] the dawn is opening

[godshattering]

Who: Claude and various
When: September, October, November
Where: Cadens, Libertas, the Horizon
What: Catch all
Warnings: None currently, will add/mark as needed


( Closed starters below. Find me at indech, on Discord, or by PM at any time to plot something! )

Comments

[godshattering]

Which is what, to you, exactly?

[ No pauses happen this time between that question and this next one because - that Sylvain's response is this makes no sense. Not even in the context of all the confusing loops they've drawn over and around each other in the past few months, in all those ones Claude's come to recognize, and not with glimpses he's caught in past conversations whether the other man meant to let them slip out or not.

Not even in this conversation with that earlier explanation of things going no further, ever, or how it'd felt like that was setting up something else even if he can't tell if 'the same place' means they have the same thing in mind. Maybe that's what he'll get here by asking, this time more specifically. Hopefully. ]

[philancer]

[ He shifts uncomfortably on the spot, Claude's gaze fixed on him with enough intensity to make him reconsider that escape plan. Why do those words sound so much like the traps he'd once been so good at evading before walking face-first into one?

Maybe he just hadn't expected it from Claude. This is what he gets for letting his guard down.

But now he is put on the spot and there's the briefest jolt of panic, because this is it, this is the part he fucks it all up, he can feel it looming and he hasn't even opened his mouth yet. ]

I...

[ Great Goddess, help him out here.

...

Nope. He's got nothing. ]

I don't know. Honestly? I was sorta following your lead here.

[godshattering]

[ That little bit of restlessness from Sylvain tells him plenty in the silence. Even if it's something Claude could have predicted, could've seen coming if he'd taken more time to think about it beyond attempting to not leap too far ahead from one second to the next. It readies him, if nothing else, for the lack of answer he receives in return.

But that doesn't make it less exasperating; there's the instinct to clench his jaw which is much harder to suppress than most reactions Claude keeps tucked away. Somewhere in there there's some irony that Sylvain's either evading answering or outright refusing to in his own way when this is something so familiar to what he does himself. Or, he realizes abruptly, what he does when he thinks a question asked hasn't been answered and he's looking to find it first before giving his own. That switches irritation to confusion or more like blends them together - hadn't he been clear?

What's missing when it feels like it's all here but hearing whether they want the same thing?

A second goes by where he continues to just look at Sylvain, then takes a deep breath to compress any feelings into something smaller, and tries again. ]

You said before what you want hasn't changed which means you have to have some idea, Sylvain. Saying you don't know now doesn't really work.

[philancer]

[ Why does it still feel like they're talking about completely different things here? Except he's still not entirely sure what answer Claude is looking for. So he just huffs out a breath and spreads his hands in a helpless shrug. ]

I don't know what answer you're looking for here, Claude. Yes, I know what I want. I want you. I want us. What we've been doing. What we'll continue doing - I hope. At least as long as you're interested in putting up with me, anyway.

[ He bites the inside of his cheek the moment those words slip out. Shit. Too much. Way too much. Should have aborted earlier. ]

Beyond that... I've no fucking clue where it's supposed to go from there, Claude. You've officially reached the end of my experience, and outlasted all your predecessors by about a hundred times over, to boot. I'm officially forging ahead blind here. Basically, my plan was to enjoy this for as long as it lasted. Should that not be my plan here?

[ It had seemed like a pretty smart plan, at the time. At least until he realized what a disaster it was gonna be when all this exploded in his face.

Which was looming alarmingly closer every time he opened his mouth, he feared. ]

[godshattering]

[ If he'd been searching for the right loose thread to pull on to unravel something, it seems he's found it.

Claude wills himself to hear in there what he wants to, what he needs it to be, even if there's still questions he wants to ask. But - that's not uncommon for what it is in what he's found when it comes to Sylvain being willing to tell him things without prying first, without running his hands over well-built armor to inspect for somewhere to wedge his grasp into. And more often than not, he's found, he's met with an easy smile as if to suggest there's nothing else hidden beneath.

For now, in this moment, he tells himself this answer is enough. Because it is: as much as it can be, maybe this is what they have to offer each other. What we've been doing. What we'll continue doing. It's not the first time he's taken feelings and sank them beneath everything else in the same way as those smiles work - nor is this the first time Claude's contemplated how he's managed to repeat this. If Sylvain's trusted him enough to extend this much, he can do the same. The rest can wait. ]

Alright. [ It's a decidedly underwhelming response to what was said, he knows, but it's only the start. Unwinding himself a bit from the slightly withdrawn position he'd taken, Claude extends a hand out to Sylvain to hold it palm up for him to take with a tentative smile. ] If that's the plan, what do you say we figure it out together?

[philancer]

[ Underwhelming is probably right, but Sylvain's just relieved he hadn't irrevocably fucked this up.

So he eyes that outstretched hand a moment before huffing out a soft, relieved laugh as he reaches out to clasp it with his own. His grip is warm as he gives Claude's hand a squeeze, then tugs him closer, because all of the tense distance is getting to him and that was the last thing he wanted to remain between them.

He doesn't point out that he thought that's what they were already doing, because he figures he's shoved his foot in his mouth enough for one day. Instead, he lets his tone turn light as he counters with a teasing poke back at a different conversation they'd had recently. ]

Fine. But you better not be expecting me to do all the work again.

[godshattering]

[ In the pause before Sylvain moves, slight as it is, Claude finds himself wondering if the gesture was an error, if he'd calculated something incorrectly behind it. But then a hand he's come to know well with all its calluses and scars slips into his to pull him closer, and not a second later he finds himself soundlessly exhaling a breath he hadn't even noticed he'd been holding. In dread, anticipation, hope - anything in between which runs on the spectrums of all of them that are set back to neutral with that squeeze.

The conversation still doesn't feel complete, but he recognizes enough that when Sylvain switches to teasing, lighthearted words that the door he'd started to nudge shut is now fully closed. He could kick it right back open if he wanted to, Claude knows, from all those years of prying to learn whatever it was he'd sought out.

Maybe it's still worry over what he'd find, a confirmation of how much things are reciprocated and where they end if it's a mismatch, which has him putting on a better smile to meet what's called for rather than what's lurking around his mind. ]

No? Well, if you're saying you finally, finally surrender to my brand of organization instead, I can work with that.

[philancer]

That would require you actually having a discernible brand of organization first. Which no, you do not. Adding more piles doesn't make anything more organized, you realize.

[ It still feels unfinished, this matter between them. But Sylvain doesn't have any answers. Doesn't know if either of them have them. Won't have them, until Hilda comes to some of her own.

It leaves them both in limbo, of sorts, but he supposes even that is better than nothing at all.

He really is truly fucked.

He gives Claude's hand a tug, however, pushing up onto his knees now. ]

Should we gather this up and start heading back?

[godshattering]

[ Sylvain's hand in his helps. It's an easy enough gesture to maintain as Claude wants to pretend the contact doesn't mean as much as it does. There's a limited number of things he can lie to himself about, and this is long past one of them.

He has no answers. It's an uncertainty he's learned to deal with in the same state of suspension he's been in with Hilda with the intent of waiting for her answer no matter how long it takes. That much he owes her, he feels, and to keep anything of what he wants out of it when it might be an unfair influence. It's logic Claude now expands to Sylvain, too. And to all three of them, really, in what he can admit he wants beyond just one on one relationships with them.

The tug on his hand pulls him away from considering it too much and instead right into offering a scoff as he gets up himself. ]

Just because you don't know where my things are doesn't mean that I don't. I'll have you know that all of those piles are critical! I could tell you where everything is at any time. Just try me.

[ He'll carry on that defense of his absolutely organized chaos as they pack up, head back to the portal, and then make it back to Cadens.

But once they make it to the loft? His things will be deposited in his room, still somewhere in with that sort of maintained order, but: Claude also invents a reason to head back out into the city not long after. Just to wander, just for a bit of solitude as he doesn't head to his made up destination - just to give himself some time to think. ]