[ Nerves have her almost hyper aware about everything he does. Every breath, every motion - all things that she has to take time to relearn because all of it seems so foreign to her. It would be impossible for her to hear the smile that her question prompts, but she feels his gaze pull up and away from their hands and towards her face. Instinctively it prompts her to look up and she finds her breath caught in her throat for no reason at all except for the fact that she's met with those green eyes of his that seem to glow faintly in the candlelight. It's so very schoolgirl of her to be taken aback by his brilliance in the dim light of the room. It's so very lovesick of her.
But it's more than that, she realizes.
Claude may not have said it as plainly, but there was loneliness there in his childhood. Even if it was self-imposed, even if it was meant as a defence mechanism as a means for survival, it was loneliness all the same. More shame rises on the heels of her realization, recalling her verbal blow that none of the Deer had ever cared for him in any capacity. That the loyalty and bonds they had forged had been nothing more than facades for their own gain. For a moment her heart aches at the thought of a younger Claude constantly trying to defend himself from all sides, needing to stay two, three, four, steps ahead of his own blood in order to prove himself. She had never known the pressure of any of that. All weight and responsibility that may have come with her Crest had been foisted onto Holst's capable shoulders at a young age when his prodigy became apparent. Nor had she ever felt the gnaw of loneliness because she had never wanted to playmates whether that was other noble children, the children of servants, or Holst himself. Whatever those playmates' intentions were didn't negate the fact that she had never wanted for company.
The gentle shapes drawn against his warm skin stills. Her other hand rises to trace the shape of cheekbone with her thumb as if that would chase the loneliness from his bones. ]
Of course we came back. We cared so much about each other. We cared so much about you.
[ She'd never considered herself a particularly loyal person, nor did she have any ounce of pride for being a part of the Alliance. And while it's true that she might be a little biased in thinking that what the Deer had was special - she'd quietly admit it here. What they had was special and far warmer than anything she had seen from the outside looking in on the other houses. It was where they belonged. ]
I know it can't take back anything that might have happened between you and your brothers but sometimes getting to choose our family is better. And chosen family can be just as strong as blood ever could be. [ Her gaze holds his as the barest flicker of a smile comes to her face. ] None of that would have been the same without you, Claude.
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But it's more than that, she realizes.
Claude may not have said it as plainly, but there was loneliness there in his childhood. Even if it was self-imposed, even if it was meant as a defence mechanism as a means for survival, it was loneliness all the same. More shame rises on the heels of her realization, recalling her verbal blow that none of the Deer had ever cared for him in any capacity. That the loyalty and bonds they had forged had been nothing more than facades for their own gain. For a moment her heart aches at the thought of a younger Claude constantly trying to defend himself from all sides, needing to stay two, three, four, steps ahead of his own blood in order to prove himself. She had never known the pressure of any of that. All weight and responsibility that may have come with her Crest had been foisted onto Holst's capable shoulders at a young age when his prodigy became apparent. Nor had she ever felt the gnaw of loneliness because she had never wanted to playmates whether that was other noble children, the children of servants, or Holst himself. Whatever those playmates' intentions were didn't negate the fact that she had never wanted for company.
The gentle shapes drawn against his warm skin stills. Her other hand rises to trace the shape of cheekbone with her thumb as if that would chase the loneliness from his bones. ]
Of course we came back. We cared so much about each other. We cared so much about you.
[ She'd never considered herself a particularly loyal person, nor did she have any ounce of pride for being a part of the Alliance. And while it's true that she might be a little biased in thinking that what the Deer had was special - she'd quietly admit it here. What they had was special and far warmer than anything she had seen from the outside looking in on the other houses. It was where they belonged. ]
I know it can't take back anything that might have happened between you and your brothers but sometimes getting to choose our family is better. And chosen family can be just as strong as blood ever could be. [ Her gaze holds his as the barest flicker of a smile comes to her face. ] None of that would have been the same without you, Claude.