[ Jayden's words, despite how evenly they're said, deliver a blow to her that she doesn't expect. They cause her heart to stagger, a dash of grief and guilt appearing in her eyes.
Jayden had wondered correctly because she counted among the number that probably hadn't noticed those that died without her notice. It had been so hard for her to think about those that hadn't made it back when all of her energies for months had been on her friends. The faces she knew. The ones that she held dear. And by hard, she had to admit to herself that she spared little thought until as of late. Perhaps that was a condition of growing up spoiled and privileged. Her world view was only so large. Her heart, while big, only cared for a finite few. Perhaps it was a condition of the war.
She could not mourn every Goneril soldier, not for long at least, even if she knew all their names and their families because she'd buckle under the weight of all that collective grief. And she couldn't buckle. Not because she was a leader like Claude, or a sharp minded tactician that needed to keep their mind clear to strategize. But because she had taken it upon herself to try and keep the spirits up of those around her. That's what others expected of her. A silly airhead, only daughter of House Goneril with no responsibilities or other real expectations to her name.
As for the grief, it settles like a shawl upon her guilt. Grief because Jayden's statement alludes that he has no one at home that cares enough to notice his absence. Grief, because he thought the same was true here. It's true that she didn't know him well when these events had unfolded - but she still cared. She does care for her quiet, sometimes-hermit friend who has a stronger, kinder heart than he'd let on. But had she told him as much? She prattles on like a chatterbox, but does she say the things that matter to those that matter the most?
For a moment words fail her as she feels her throat close a little. ]
Were you okay with that? Thinking that no one would notice or care about you here?
no subject
Jayden had wondered correctly because she counted among the number that probably hadn't noticed those that died without her notice. It had been so hard for her to think about those that hadn't made it back when all of her energies for months had been on her friends. The faces she knew. The ones that she held dear. And by hard, she had to admit to herself that she spared little thought until as of late. Perhaps that was a condition of growing up spoiled and privileged. Her world view was only so large. Her heart, while big, only cared for a finite few. Perhaps it was a condition of the war.
She could not mourn every Goneril soldier, not for long at least, even if she knew all their names and their families because she'd buckle under the weight of all that collective grief. And she couldn't buckle. Not because she was a leader like Claude, or a sharp minded tactician that needed to keep their mind clear to strategize. But because she had taken it upon herself to try and keep the spirits up of those around her. That's what others expected of her. A silly airhead, only daughter of House Goneril with no responsibilities or other real expectations to her name.
As for the grief, it settles like a shawl upon her guilt. Grief because Jayden's statement alludes that he has no one at home that cares enough to notice his absence. Grief, because he thought the same was true here. It's true that she didn't know him well when these events had unfolded - but she still cared. She does care for her quiet, sometimes-hermit friend who has a stronger, kinder heart than he'd let on. But had she told him as much? She prattles on like a chatterbox, but does she say the things that matter to those that matter the most?
For a moment words fail her as she feels her throat close a little. ]
Were you okay with that? Thinking that no one would notice or care about you here?