[ but it wasn't a bad decision, is what he's trying to get her to understand. it wasn't the one she wanted to make, maybe, but it tactically wasn't a bad decision. someone needed to be here, and her being that person wasn't...
god, he's really just grasping at straws here. usually, he's better at this. usually, he has a better handle on these scenarios. what to say, what people need, how to react. it's a strange place to be in, realizing his own footing is off just slightly enough to shift his balance. that mal disappearing, that mal being gone, hits him hard enough to cause it.
he can only imagine what she's going through. which is what he has to remind himself - he's had hours to come to this conclusion, to process, where does that leave her? sam watches as she pulls herself together, as she puffs herself up. she forcing an appearance, in front of him, and it feels...god, it feels bad, thinking they've been living this long together and she still feels like she has to. ]
Because I'm worried about you, Alina. [ it comes out quickly, honestly. where her voice nearly cracks with the question, sam feels like he's filling space. overflowing, not caring so much to be reserved, or gentle, with his emotions. ] Because I know what it feels like when someone is gone, and you're desperate to find them. [ and maybe there is more he can say, here. more about how it feels to lose someone who is your right side, half of your whole. sam doesn't understand, entirely, the relationship between alina and mal, but he does know what it feels like to lose your best friend. and even if this isn't at all the same, there are enough similarities, enough panicked looks. mal isn't dead, mal didn't fall into the sand, but mal is gone and alina is looking for answers.
once again, sam looks at alina and is reminded of a wounded animal. someone who has been hurt, probably by people she trusted. it's why he never pushed himself into her space, why he'd never push, not even now. why, even as his own words feel a bit like a plea in and of themselves, he doesn't step closer to her. how he actually lets his hands fall to his sides. he wants to help so badly, and he wants to make sure she is safe, in part because he cares, but in equal part because he knows that is all mal would ask of him. just as it was all he asked of him in the castle, too.
but her pleading is honest, and sam feels himself start to deflate a little. how do you say no, to something like that? ]
Okay. [ it comes after a pause, where sam just kind of watches the emotions cross alina's face. part of him nearly mentions how he'd never want to keep her here against her will, how - if she'd really wanted to go - he would have let her. but she offers that last bit of it, that i'll be back before dark, and sam feels a sort of panicked tension leave his chest. ] Okay. If you can be back before dark... [ his eyes flit over to the little nest he'd set up for red in the corner, red and silver feathers, settled and staring back. part of him thinks about sending red to follow her, just in case, but thinks better of it.
this is all about trust, isn't it? how he wants her to trust him, and how he has to trust her in return. they are but strangers, to each other, no matter how he might wish it to be different. so sam takes a breath, and pulls himself back together again - taking a breath and setting his hands on her shoulders, leaning down a bit to catch her eyes. there's nothing inherently aggressive about the movement, or at least he hopes so, as he gives her a small, tired smile. ]
If you find him, kick his ass for worrying us all, okay? And I'll see you tonight.
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god, he's really just grasping at straws here. usually, he's better at this. usually, he has a better handle on these scenarios. what to say, what people need, how to react. it's a strange place to be in, realizing his own footing is off just slightly enough to shift his balance. that mal disappearing, that mal being gone, hits him hard enough to cause it.
he can only imagine what she's going through. which is what he has to remind himself - he's had hours to come to this conclusion, to process, where does that leave her? sam watches as she pulls herself together, as she puffs herself up. she forcing an appearance, in front of him, and it feels...god, it feels bad, thinking they've been living this long together and she still feels like she has to. ]
Because I'm worried about you, Alina. [ it comes out quickly, honestly. where her voice nearly cracks with the question, sam feels like he's filling space. overflowing, not caring so much to be reserved, or gentle, with his emotions. ] Because I know what it feels like when someone is gone, and you're desperate to find them. [ and maybe there is more he can say, here. more about how it feels to lose someone who is your right side, half of your whole. sam doesn't understand, entirely, the relationship between alina and mal, but he does know what it feels like to lose your best friend. and even if this isn't at all the same, there are enough similarities, enough panicked looks. mal isn't dead, mal didn't fall into the sand, but mal is gone and alina is looking for answers.
once again, sam looks at alina and is reminded of a wounded animal. someone who has been hurt, probably by people she trusted. it's why he never pushed himself into her space, why he'd never push, not even now. why, even as his own words feel a bit like a plea in and of themselves, he doesn't step closer to her. how he actually lets his hands fall to his sides. he wants to help so badly, and he wants to make sure she is safe, in part because he cares, but in equal part because he knows that is all mal would ask of him. just as it was all he asked of him in the castle, too.
but her pleading is honest, and sam feels himself start to deflate a little. how do you say no, to something like that? ]
Okay. [ it comes after a pause, where sam just kind of watches the emotions cross alina's face. part of him nearly mentions how he'd never want to keep her here against her will, how - if she'd really wanted to go - he would have let her. but she offers that last bit of it, that i'll be back before dark, and sam feels a sort of panicked tension leave his chest. ] Okay. If you can be back before dark... [ his eyes flit over to the little nest he'd set up for red in the corner, red and silver feathers, settled and staring back. part of him thinks about sending red to follow her, just in case, but thinks better of it.
this is all about trust, isn't it? how he wants her to trust him, and how he has to trust her in return. they are but strangers, to each other, no matter how he might wish it to be different. so sam takes a breath, and pulls himself back together again - taking a breath and setting his hands on her shoulders, leaning down a bit to catch her eyes. there's nothing inherently aggressive about the movement, or at least he hopes so, as he gives her a small, tired smile. ]
If you find him, kick his ass for worrying us all, okay? And I'll see you tonight.