[ Compartmentalizing, rationalizing the pain and grief he would cause in his life had been part of his training and a matter of survival. He knows that this has to be done. But it's difficult even for him to keep his emotions leashed when he's causing pain like this to anyone, let alone Viktor. That sob tears through him and for a moment he's scared that Viktor will fight him from continuing - and a horrible relief washes over him when he doesn't. He clings to those quick, ragged assurances like a lifeline, in no place to examine whether they are true or not. In the corner of his vision he can see this place coming apart at the seams too, and spares a brief thought for Rio to have found somewhere safe to ride this out.
Viktor's hand covers his, and though it helps steady him - for a second it disturbs him more than comforts with how similar his skin feels to the cable gripped in hand. He closes his eyes again and presses his face into Viktor's hair, probably a good way to get his nose broken or lose some teeth if he starts thrashing, but he doesn't care.
He wishes he had words of encouragement, except he doesn't trust whatever might come out of his mouth right. He wants to tell him he's sorry again, for leaving and for whatever comes next. He wants to tell him he loved him - and right now that feels like something he ought to apologize for too.
So he says nothing, squeezing his hand in warning once more, then pulls. ]
no subject
Viktor's hand covers his, and though it helps steady him - for a second it disturbs him more than comforts with how similar his skin feels to the cable gripped in hand. He closes his eyes again and presses his face into Viktor's hair, probably a good way to get his nose broken or lose some teeth if he starts thrashing, but he doesn't care.
He wishes he had words of encouragement, except he doesn't trust whatever might come out of his mouth right. He wants to tell him he's sorry again, for leaving and for whatever comes next. He wants to tell him he loved him - and right now that feels like something he ought to apologize for too.
So he says nothing, squeezing his hand in warning once more, then pulls. ]