It is very nice to have Claude's hand in his hair. He likes the affection and attention and it's comforting. Sometimes physical grounding can comfort him better than words, but he's listening to those too, it's just hard to get around his negative thinking. He's always thought of himself as a fuck-up, it wasn't like one day he turned into one, it's deep-seated.

He was trouble as a kid, restless and bored and unstimulated at the farm. His father hid him from the world but the moment he let him out, Jesper made mistake after mistake. Maybe he should've never left the farm. His father was afraid for him as a Grisha, and honestly, he was just lucky that Kaz Brekker got to him first. Another gang lord finding a Durast like him would have led down a very dark road. He found someone who decided to love him instead of use him. It's easy for Jesper to love other people, but to accept that love back, it takes longer.

"I'm not good enough. That's what it feels like. No matter how far away I think I've gotten from it, or how I've improved, it's like one bad moment away from backsliding. And it's exhausting to constantly not trust myself." Jesper wishes that he could and he's been doing well, he's proven to himself that he can handle things, he was in an upswing. This just drove him crashing back to the ground. And yes, it's the gods that are to blame, this isn't him dealing with regular addiction because he's been doing well fighting that. It's supernatural. He still feels like a failure.

"I can disappoint myself and live with it, but disappointing all of you, that's hell."