Crown Prince Wilhelm ♛ (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ordinar) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
abraxaslogs2024-09-01 09:06 pm
ordinar) wrote in abraxaslogs2024-09-01 09:06 pm
Wilhelm's room in the castle is too empty again.
It's funny. He never shared a room with anybody his whole life — not even when he got shipped off to boarding school — until he came here. Then one afternoon two autumns ago, he opened the door to find an elf calmly inspecting the space. When Elrond disappeared from this world, he'd latched onto Kelson, before he was even aware of the feelings taking root in him or how far down they reached into his soil. And when Kelson vanished, not long after Rhy, he and Kell had naturally fallen in together as if loneliness were a kind of gravity.
Now all the other beds are empty, and only his things are left.
After he drops the news on Jesper at the start of the week, a sense of urgency propels them together. Kell had been close with him too. Wilhelm should have seen Jesper this weekend, because they usually make time to connect during the one stretch of the month they're allowed to do so in person. But with Jesper jailed, and a meeting in Nocwich out of the question, they have to settle for the Horizon.
Tucked into a booth in the dimness of the Crow Club, Wilhelm raises his glass in a solemn toast.
"At least you haven't gone anywhere." The corner of his lips quirks. "Well, except to jail."
Despite the bone dry humor, he's worried. He's always worried.
It's funny. He never shared a room with anybody his whole life — not even when he got shipped off to boarding school — until he came here. Then one afternoon two autumns ago, he opened the door to find an elf calmly inspecting the space. When Elrond disappeared from this world, he'd latched onto Kelson, before he was even aware of the feelings taking root in him or how far down they reached into his soil. And when Kelson vanished, not long after Rhy, he and Kell had naturally fallen in together as if loneliness were a kind of gravity.
Now all the other beds are empty, and only his things are left.
After he drops the news on Jesper at the start of the week, a sense of urgency propels them together. Kell had been close with him too. Wilhelm should have seen Jesper this weekend, because they usually make time to connect during the one stretch of the month they're allowed to do so in person. But with Jesper jailed, and a meeting in Nocwich out of the question, they have to settle for the Horizon.
Tucked into a booth in the dimness of the Crow Club, Wilhelm raises his glass in a solemn toast.
"At least you haven't gone anywhere." The corner of his lips quirks. "Well, except to jail."
Despite the bone dry humor, he's worried. He's always worried.
Wilhelm already knows in his gut what he'll find when he drives to Kell's rose garden. His roommate never came back last night, and there was no sign of him when he woke up this morning. His messages evaporate one after another into a wordless void. He drives anyway, knuckles stretched white around the steering wheel, to see for himself.
When he parks at the edge of the road he's created, he can already see that something is wrong. Thick white mist rolls over the landscape meticulously crafted by Kell, except it's not vapor — it's nothingness. It's Kell's creations uncreating themselves in his absence.
Wilhelm rises from the driver's seat with a numbness growing behind his ribs. The car door slams behind him, and his feet carry him into what's left of Kell's fading domain. He traces the petals of a rose whose head hangs heavily on its stem, and the velvet withers, crumbles to dust.
It takes him another minute to realize that someone else is poking around in the dying garden. Shoulders stiffening, he swipes the wetness from underneath his eyes.
When he parks at the edge of the road he's created, he can already see that something is wrong. Thick white mist rolls over the landscape meticulously crafted by Kell, except it's not vapor — it's nothingness. It's Kell's creations uncreating themselves in his absence.
Wilhelm rises from the driver's seat with a numbness growing behind his ribs. The car door slams behind him, and his feet carry him into what's left of Kell's fading domain. He traces the petals of a rose whose head hangs heavily on its stem, and the velvet withers, crumbles to dust.
It takes him another minute to realize that someone else is poking around in the dying garden. Shoulders stiffening, he swipes the wetness from underneath his eyes.
It took Chris a little bit to pinpoint the feelings he was getting. He'd had more than one change before, but they had always been people he knew. And usually around the same location. These were all spread out. And he had no idea who they were. So, Chris had taken a moment to try and separate the feelings out. The segregate the constant pain he was getting from Nebula, the fear and wariness from Sansa, to block them all out and focus on that one source of sad hopelessness; of upset. It took him an even little while longer to focus on it in the Horizon. Once there, however, it didn't take him long to figure it out.
This domain was dying. Uncreating itself. On purpose? Not based on the reaction of the other man, tracing flower petals even as they crumble away. The car he drove was an afterthought to Chris. Obviously it meant something, he could have chosen any mode of transportation here, but that wasn't the exact reason he was here. It was the garden.
Chris lurked long enough to be totally creepy about it, until he realized he was caught and the man wiped his tears away.
"I didn't mean to intrude." He did in fact. He followed you here Wille, like a creepy bloodhound angel. To be fair, you were screaming inside his head, and it was hard to ignore. Chris walked forward so they could be side by side. He opened his mouth to say something, only to realize that there was nothing he could say that could make this better. This domain obviously belonged to someone who this young man cared about, was distraught over. You can't say anything to make that better. But he also didn't think standing here and watching it disintegrate was really very healthy.
"They wouldn't want you to watch this, would they?"
Chris didn't reach out to touch them, it was kind of rude to randomly go around touching people who may not even like to be touched. Plus he noticed the shoulders stiffening. Being intruded on in what you thought was a private moment was awkward enough.
"I'm Chris. I.....heard you. Thought maybe you didn't want to be alone." Chris hoped Wille took that as in he heard the car, or his footsteps or something. And not in the ' my magical powers actually qualify as stalking.'
This domain was dying. Uncreating itself. On purpose? Not based on the reaction of the other man, tracing flower petals even as they crumble away. The car he drove was an afterthought to Chris. Obviously it meant something, he could have chosen any mode of transportation here, but that wasn't the exact reason he was here. It was the garden.
Chris lurked long enough to be totally creepy about it, until he realized he was caught and the man wiped his tears away.
"I didn't mean to intrude." He did in fact. He followed you here Wille, like a creepy bloodhound angel. To be fair, you were screaming inside his head, and it was hard to ignore. Chris walked forward so they could be side by side. He opened his mouth to say something, only to realize that there was nothing he could say that could make this better. This domain obviously belonged to someone who this young man cared about, was distraught over. You can't say anything to make that better. But he also didn't think standing here and watching it disintegrate was really very healthy.
"They wouldn't want you to watch this, would they?"
Chris didn't reach out to touch them, it was kind of rude to randomly go around touching people who may not even like to be touched. Plus he noticed the shoulders stiffening. Being intruded on in what you thought was a private moment was awkward enough.
"I'm Chris. I.....heard you. Thought maybe you didn't want to be alone." Chris hoped Wille took that as in he heard the car, or his footsteps or something. And not in the ' my magical powers actually qualify as stalking.'
Edited 2024-09-08 21:51 (UTC)
A guardedness rises up in his eyes as he considers Chris with a silent stare. His hands jam into his jean pockets. He's not in the mood to meet someone new, to stumble through small talk as if any of it actually matters. But the guy is right — he doesn't want to be alone either. Alone, Kell's absence jabs more sharply between the slats of his ribs. It clatters more loudly in his head.
Wilhelm's gaze drifts out over the landscape as it's slowly devoured by nothingness. I was dying. Bleeding out on the floor of a cage. Kell's voice, from one of the many nights they shared passing a bottle of wine back and forth last spring, keeps lurking in the back of his mind.
He hopes that Kell was wrong, that help was on the way in the second that he slipped from his world and landed in this one. He hopes that, somewhere in the vast expanse of the universe, Kell and Rhy are together and okay.
You have no idea what Kell would want, he wants to retort. He swallows it down.
"It's fine," he finally says.
Wilhelm's gaze drifts out over the landscape as it's slowly devoured by nothingness. I was dying. Bleeding out on the floor of a cage. Kell's voice, from one of the many nights they shared passing a bottle of wine back and forth last spring, keeps lurking in the back of his mind.
He hopes that Kell was wrong, that help was on the way in the second that he slipped from his world and landed in this one. He hopes that, somewhere in the vast expanse of the universe, Kell and Rhy are together and okay.
You have no idea what Kell would want, he wants to retort. He swallows it down.
"It's fine," he finally says.
Sure you are Chris thought, but decided not to say it out loud. He sighed loudly, breath hissing through his teeth in mild annoyance at his new charge, and vaguely wondered how other whitelighters made it without strangling their charges. Maybe it had something to do with being a full blooded actual angel.
"But you're not." He sighed again, realizing how stalker-y that sounded. "I know you don't know me......and...I'm not saying you have to be fine with, whatever you're feeling and going through. But sometimes just acknowledging it helps." Wow, look at him. He almost sounded like a whitelighter.
"Do you have a name? Look, I know you want me to leave, but I'm not. So you might as well tell me your name and be mildly civil. Or throw a fit. You're choice." Honestly, as long he got it out, Chris was good. Whether that meant throwing a tantrum, crying or just acknowledging his feelings. Whatever.
"Friend, or lover?"
"But you're not." He sighed again, realizing how stalker-y that sounded. "I know you don't know me......and...I'm not saying you have to be fine with, whatever you're feeling and going through. But sometimes just acknowledging it helps." Wow, look at him. He almost sounded like a whitelighter.
"Do you have a name? Look, I know you want me to leave, but I'm not. So you might as well tell me your name and be mildly civil. Or throw a fit. You're choice." Honestly, as long he got it out, Chris was good. Whether that meant throwing a tantrum, crying or just acknowledging his feelings. Whatever.
"Friend, or lover?"
Edited 2024-09-15 23:01 (UTC)
As far as Wilhelm is concerned, Chris is the one who decided to wedge himself into his space. If he doesn't like how Wilhelm reacts, then he can go somewhere else.
"I'm not throwing a fit." His voice cuts like a dulled knife. His eyes stab at Chris before returning to the fading rows of rosebushes. He slowly pulls in a breath and releases it. "I'm Wilhelm."
Tipping his head toward the garden, he adds, "This was Kell's. He was my friend."
The clarification is a little pointed. It's too weird to consider Kell in a romantic light when he was more like a brother to Wilhelm. He'd avoided treading the comparison when Kell was here, because brother is a sacred space that only Erik is allowed to occupy. But Kell had been by Wilhelm's side through some of his darkest days, and he wishes he could have told him how much it meant to him.
"I'm not throwing a fit." His voice cuts like a dulled knife. His eyes stab at Chris before returning to the fading rows of rosebushes. He slowly pulls in a breath and releases it. "I'm Wilhelm."
Tipping his head toward the garden, he adds, "This was Kell's. He was my friend."
The clarification is a little pointed. It's too weird to consider Kell in a romantic light when he was more like a brother to Wilhelm. He'd avoided treading the comparison when Kell was here, because brother is a sacred space that only Erik is allowed to occupy. But Kell had been by Wilhelm's side through some of his darkest days, and he wishes he could have told him how much it meant to him.
That was exactly because Chris had done exactly that. Wedged himself right into Wilhelm's personal space. Honestly the idea that this space might have belonged to someone that Wilhelm regarded as family wasn't even a concept that had entered Chris' mind. It was completely foreign. Family was for people outside this place. People back home. He hadn't thought that someone might give that term to someone here. Or that someone from home might have been summoned here. Either way.
"Hey, no judgement if you do. Sometimes we just need to get it out." Honestly throwing a fit was probably healthier than getting turned into a spider demon because you didn't talk about your daddy issues. Dr. Crane would probably have a field day with that one.
"Judgement free zone, okay?" Chris put up his hands, a little defensively, even though, well, he started it.
"I'm just saying sometimes expressing yourself helps. Which sounds super weird coming from a complete stranger. I know. I'm being weird."
"Hey, no judgement if you do. Sometimes we just need to get it out." Honestly throwing a fit was probably healthier than getting turned into a spider demon because you didn't talk about your daddy issues. Dr. Crane would probably have a field day with that one.
"Judgement free zone, okay?" Chris put up his hands, a little defensively, even though, well, he started it.
"I'm just saying sometimes expressing yourself helps. Which sounds super weird coming from a complete stranger. I know. I'm being weird."
Jesper went through a rough time with the gods' return but he managed to get through the entire thing without giving into his weakness. It helped so many people were willing to distract him, the morbol cage, and that Steve brought to him the attack on the base. It kept him sane. On the other end he wound up in the mining camp for time served and got the news about Kell.
It's always painful. Jesper's not used to the pain, despite that, but he thinks it's for the best. Each person deserves to have the same amount of pain felt each time, they were worth suffering over. Kell and Jesper had a special connection, as he does with all of his lovers in their own way, and he will miss him dearly.
"Eh, the mining camp isn't so bad, it keeps me busy." Jesper hates being lazy, he always has to be moving when he's anxious. He sighs though and raises his glass to clink with Wilhelm's. For all his suffering, his first thought is for Wilhelm, who has lost his fair share since coming here.
"I'm sorry, sweetheart, but at least we know this is what he wanted. He gets to be with Rhy again now." It doesn't make it hurt less for them, but it is a reassurance.
It's always painful. Jesper's not used to the pain, despite that, but he thinks it's for the best. Each person deserves to have the same amount of pain felt each time, they were worth suffering over. Kell and Jesper had a special connection, as he does with all of his lovers in their own way, and he will miss him dearly.
"Eh, the mining camp isn't so bad, it keeps me busy." Jesper hates being lazy, he always has to be moving when he's anxious. He sighs though and raises his glass to clink with Wilhelm's. For all his suffering, his first thought is for Wilhelm, who has lost his fair share since coming here.
"I'm sorry, sweetheart, but at least we know this is what he wanted. He gets to be with Rhy again now." It doesn't make it hurt less for them, but it is a reassurance.
[ when river invites wilhelm to investigate the strange things going on around town, she asks him to meet her in nott instead of going through the portals together without explaining why. it's not terribly unusual for either of them to be in nott - wilhelm has his courier work, of course, and river finds excuses to cover up her visits to see yennefer.
today's quest is still a cover, although not quite in the same way. she never told wilhelm that they were seriously considering leaving the castle, let alone that it happened several days ago.
under the cover of dark, when there would be fewer people to notice, she and cassian took their scant few belongings and the sleeping bob cat to yennefer's shared home with stephen strange and thancred, and they've been crashing there ever since. it's a temporary setup until they can afford to get their own place, which is one reason why river wanted to do this in the first place.
the other is that it sounded like something fun to do with wilhelm. an adventure with her best friend in thorne, one of the people she will miss most dearly in her departure from the castle. so by the time they meet up near the elementary school that put out the call for help, she's smiling and very happy to see him. ]
Wilhelm. Are you ready to find some ghosts?
today's quest is still a cover, although not quite in the same way. she never told wilhelm that they were seriously considering leaving the castle, let alone that it happened several days ago.
under the cover of dark, when there would be fewer people to notice, she and cassian took their scant few belongings and the sleeping bob cat to yennefer's shared home with stephen strange and thancred, and they've been crashing there ever since. it's a temporary setup until they can afford to get their own place, which is one reason why river wanted to do this in the first place.
the other is that it sounded like something fun to do with wilhelm. an adventure with her best friend in thorne, one of the people she will miss most dearly in her departure from the castle. so by the time they meet up near the elementary school that put out the call for help, she's smiling and very happy to see him. ]
Wilhelm. Are you ready to find some ghosts?
He thinks about yelling into the emptiness of the night sky with August after Erik died, cracking a well of helplessness that couldn't fit into words. It hadn't made everything better, but after days of performing his grief for millions of eyes, and suffocating on the profound sense that he was alone, and he would always be alone — it felt like something.
Without warning, he tips his head back and pours out a wordless howl. He lets it hang for several long seconds, and then he storms through the remnants of Kell's garden. He kicks the rosebushes with every ounce of technique Kyle has taught him, scattering a shrapnel of petals across the ground.
It's not just for Kell. It's for Rhy, and maybe most of all for Kelson, who's still a wound he hasn't recovered from. It's for the good byes he never got to say, and for the memories he never got to make.
Without warning, he tips his head back and pours out a wordless howl. He lets it hang for several long seconds, and then he storms through the remnants of Kell's garden. He kicks the rosebushes with every ounce of technique Kyle has taught him, scattering a shrapnel of petals across the ground.
It's not just for Kell. It's for Rhy, and maybe most of all for Kelson, who's still a wound he hasn't recovered from. It's for the good byes he never got to say, and for the memories he never got to make.
Chris wasn't really the type to scream into the night, but maybe that was the point. He was the type to let things fester, to brood silently on top of the Golden Gate Bridge where he probably looked like a lunatic ready to jump. Until he lost all control. So, he took his own advice. Or at least screamed so Wilhelm wasn't the only one letting loose. Maybe he'd feel less foolish then.
And it was kind of freeing. So he screamed, for the loss of his fiancée, for the loss of his brother, for his own failure to prevent what he had thought he could prevail against. For everything he had tried, which hadn't simply been enough. For his mom who wouldn't survive in the future he had failed to prevent. For just failing so completely.
"I don't suppose you feel any better?"
And it was kind of freeing. So he screamed, for the loss of his fiancée, for the loss of his brother, for his own failure to prevent what he had thought he could prevail against. For everything he had tried, which hadn't simply been enough. For his mom who wouldn't survive in the future he had failed to prevent. For just failing so completely.
"I don't suppose you feel any better?"
He tips back his drink — something strong is all he requested from Jesper, not that it matters much in the Horizon, where everything is a state of mind. His eyes sink into the deep amber liquid as Jesper reassures him. I was dying. Bleeding out on the floor of a cage. He wishes Kell had never told him that. He wishes he didn't have to know, so he could pretend it was a given that the Maresh brothers would be reunited and everything would be okay.
He hasn't shared with anyone else what Kell told him about the moment he was taken from his world and pulled into this one. He doesn't want to burden them with worries that they have no power to change. Wilhelm pulls together a weak smile.
"Yeah. It's what he wanted."
That much is true. Hastily, he leans into the other subject on the table.
"So it's not too bad? You're taking it very heroically."
He hasn't shared with anyone else what Kell told him about the moment he was taken from his world and pulled into this one. He doesn't want to burden them with worries that they have no power to change. Wilhelm pulls together a weak smile.
"Yeah. It's what he wanted."
That much is true. Hastily, he leans into the other subject on the table.
"So it's not too bad? You're taking it very heroically."
[Today, Wilhelm plots his delivery route so that he finishes in Nott at the time he agreed to meet River. As he pedals toward the school, clouds blot out the afternoon sun, casting an ominous mood over their undertaking. Even so, he's grinning when he hops off the bike in front of her.]
Hey River.
[He was grateful that she asked him to join her on this quest. Up until now, he's always teamed up with Kell. They'd quenched fires in the fields surrounding Nott and enchanted crops to help the farmers get back on their feet after the devastation. They'd fended off feral hogs while transporting bodies through the twilight woods of Nocwich and captured wild horses in the grasslands of western Thorne. He was wondering whose group he should try to wedge himself into when River appeared in that uncanny way of hers, as if she already knew what he was looking for.]
I don't know if I'm ready, but...let's do this.
[He doesn't know if he believes in ghosts either. He's encountered what might have been his brother's ghost twice before, but one of those times he was losing his mind.]
Where should we start? We could talk to some of the kids.
[School must have just let out, because children are pouring into the schoolyard.]
Hey River.
[He was grateful that she asked him to join her on this quest. Up until now, he's always teamed up with Kell. They'd quenched fires in the fields surrounding Nott and enchanted crops to help the farmers get back on their feet after the devastation. They'd fended off feral hogs while transporting bodies through the twilight woods of Nocwich and captured wild horses in the grasslands of western Thorne. He was wondering whose group he should try to wedge himself into when River appeared in that uncanny way of hers, as if she already knew what he was looking for.]
I don't know if I'm ready, but...let's do this.
[He doesn't know if he believes in ghosts either. He's encountered what might have been his brother's ghost twice before, but one of those times he was losing his mind.]
Where should we start? We could talk to some of the kids.
[School must have just let out, because children are pouring into the schoolyard.]
Wilhelm was usually that type too. Growing up, he became an expert in carrying around every hurt that he felt until he couldn't bear the weight of it anymore, but he didn't know how to offload it. He's better now at getting it off his chest, but it's still hard sometimes to put it all into words.
So, screaming he rampages through the rosebushes. When his breath cuts ragged, and his skin bears angry red lines from the thorns fighting back, he stops to survey the damage. Half-molted roses droop from bent stems. A carnage of petals covers the ground. The blank nothingness creeps closer, erasing more of Kell's creation.
Sorry, he thinks, before glancing back over his shoulder at Chris.
"Not really. But at least it's out there and not in me anymore."
So, screaming he rampages through the rosebushes. When his breath cuts ragged, and his skin bears angry red lines from the thorns fighting back, he stops to survey the damage. Half-molted roses droop from bent stems. A carnage of petals covers the ground. The blank nothingness creeps closer, erasing more of Kell's creation.
Sorry, he thinks, before glancing back over his shoulder at Chris.
"Not really. But at least it's out there and not in me anymore."
Chris also didn't really know how to let go of his feelings. Which was precisely how he eared the reputation of 'bitchy whitelighter' and that guy who just didn't know how to have fun.
He wasn't sure if it was better or worse that Wilhelm was trampling over his friends creation. Maybe it was better to let the anger out. He couldn't take his anger out on the friend who was no longer there, so this was better than nothing. And then....then he didn't have to look at it anymore. There was a sort of freedom in that, Chris supposed. A canvas, ready to start over.
"You must be more enlightened than me. An entire therapy session and some screaming and I still can't let go. But I'm glad it helped you. At least a bit."
Maybe the wounds would always hurt. Maybe there was nothing you could do but wait for them to scar over. And just try not to keep picking them open.
He wasn't sure if it was better or worse that Wilhelm was trampling over his friends creation. Maybe it was better to let the anger out. He couldn't take his anger out on the friend who was no longer there, so this was better than nothing. And then....then he didn't have to look at it anymore. There was a sort of freedom in that, Chris supposed. A canvas, ready to start over.
"You must be more enlightened than me. An entire therapy session and some screaming and I still can't let go. But I'm glad it helped you. At least a bit."
Maybe the wounds would always hurt. Maybe there was nothing you could do but wait for them to scar over. And just try not to keep picking them open.
Ketterdam liquor is hard as can be but Jesper picked something both tough and sweet for Wilhelm, he doesn't want to choke him on the harsher options. Jesper never asked Kell about his last moments in his world because they were very focused on the here and now and each other. He loved him though, very much, and he felt that love in return. He'll hold onto that part and assume he was right about going back to Rhy.
Wille changes the subject so quickly it surprises him, but he thinks maybe he just doesn't want to dwell in the sadness right then. He has lost enough that he thinks he can do that for him, move past it to focus on something else.
"I was very heroic blowing up that base too. We were very impressive." He beams. "And no one had to die for it, which generally isn't a concern of mine, but Steve was pleased." And Jesper did want to please his 'step-father' so he had very good restraint. He's not saying that because he's bloodthirsty, it's just that sometimes on a job, people die.
Wille changes the subject so quickly it surprises him, but he thinks maybe he just doesn't want to dwell in the sadness right then. He has lost enough that he thinks he can do that for him, move past it to focus on something else.
"I was very heroic blowing up that base too. We were very impressive." He beams. "And no one had to die for it, which generally isn't a concern of mine, but Steve was pleased." And Jesper did want to please his 'step-father' so he had very good restraint. He's not saying that because he's bloodthirsty, it's just that sometimes on a job, people die.
He's not angry at Kell — that's not why he finds a sharp rush of release as he stands amid the destruction of what used to be his friend's rose garden. He's angry because he keeps caring about people who never wanted to stay here, and he can't change their minds, and even if he could it wouldn't matter.
He's angry because it could be him, someday. No amount of wanting to stay in this world, to see through the life you've only just begun, can guarantee that you will.
All Chris gets in response is a scoff. Enlightened is just about the last thing he'd ever expect to be called. Suddenly drained, Wilhelm sinks to the ground, first folded up on his knees, then flattened on his back. Chris can join him if he wants, or he can wander off. It doesn't really matter.
"Maybe you should've screamed more," he mumbles.
He's angry because it could be him, someday. No amount of wanting to stay in this world, to see through the life you've only just begun, can guarantee that you will.
All Chris gets in response is a scoff. Enlightened is just about the last thing he'd ever expect to be called. Suddenly drained, Wilhelm sinks to the ground, first folded up on his knees, then flattened on his back. Chris can join him if he wants, or he can wander off. It doesn't really matter.
"Maybe you should've screamed more," he mumbles.
Chris is definitely not leaving a charge in this state, especially when he has just screamed his head off and is now lying on his back. He kneels next to him, not quite ready to lie on his back but still wants to make sure he's okay. So, he's kneeling next to Wille, kind of hovering over him, concerned.
He doesn't know what he's doing, okay? He laughs softly at Wilhelm's remark, unsure if all the screaming in the world could exorcise his demons. Or maybe he just wasn't ready for them to leave yet. Realizing Wilhelm wasn't going to like, pass out or something, he folded up next to him, rolling on his side to lay down.
"Do this often? Scream and then lay on the ground?"
He doesn't know what he's doing, okay? He laughs softly at Wilhelm's remark, unsure if all the screaming in the world could exorcise his demons. Or maybe he just wasn't ready for them to leave yet. Realizing Wilhelm wasn't going to like, pass out or something, he folded up next to him, rolling on his side to lay down.
"Do this often? Scream and then lay on the ground?"
As Chris settles onto the ground beside him, something like relief bubbles in his chest. Okay, maybe it does matter a little. The question gets the start of a laugh out of him, just a dry rush of air blowing from his lips.
"Only on special occasions."
Wilhelm lets silence stretch over them. What is there to say after you've poured it all into screaming and smashing things up? The sky hanging above them is clear, which feels all wrong. It was a beautiful blue day like this when Erik died too. Of course, anything in the Horizon can be shaped by will, but he's too worn out to muster much will right now.
"Do you...try to befriend strangers while they're having a meltdown often?" he finally asks, flicking a look over to Chris.
"Only on special occasions."
Wilhelm lets silence stretch over them. What is there to say after you've poured it all into screaming and smashing things up? The sky hanging above them is clear, which feels all wrong. It was a beautiful blue day like this when Erik died too. Of course, anything in the Horizon can be shaped by will, but he's too worn out to muster much will right now.
"Do you...try to befriend strangers while they're having a meltdown often?" he finally asks, flicking a look over to Chris.
"Honestly, not until I got pulled here." Because the universe had put him on the guardian angel bulletin board or something and he couldn't figure out how to get himself off of it. He was pretty sure he knew the answer though: he couldn't. Whitelighters had sometimes twenty charges at home. He could deal with five. Right? Right?
Chris sprawled a bit on the ground, letting his limbs just hang. He turned his head, looking at the man opposite him. "I'm glad you're okay though. You scared me there for a minute." He wished he could take that back the moment he said it. It didn't make sense. Unless you were privy to their breakdown in your head. Maybe Wilhelm wouldn't look at it too much. Wouldn't take it as....super duper creepy.
Chris sprawled a bit on the ground, letting his limbs just hang. He turned his head, looking at the man opposite him. "I'm glad you're okay though. You scared me there for a minute." He wished he could take that back the moment he said it. It didn't make sense. Unless you were privy to their breakdown in your head. Maybe Wilhelm wouldn't look at it too much. Wouldn't take it as....super duper creepy.
The full impact of Chris' words doesn't hit him. He could be referring to anything that's happened in the last thirty minutes, for all Wilhelm knows.
"Why, did you think you'd end up like the rosebushes too?"
He's deflecting with a joke. He knows Chris wasn't scared for himself; he was scared for him. Wilhelm wonders how he must have looked through Chris' eyes, a boy on the verge of tears in an abandoned garden, savagely destroying what's left, bleeding all his hurt out. Now, his fingers find fallen petals to peel apart.
"So, what were you yelling for?"
It only seems fair that Chris should share something when he's caught Wilhelm in such a raw moment.
"Why, did you think you'd end up like the rosebushes too?"
He's deflecting with a joke. He knows Chris wasn't scared for himself; he was scared for him. Wilhelm wonders how he must have looked through Chris' eyes, a boy on the verge of tears in an abandoned garden, savagely destroying what's left, bleeding all his hurt out. Now, his fingers find fallen petals to peel apart.
"So, what were you yelling for?"
It only seems fair that Chris should share something when he's caught Wilhelm in such a raw moment.
What was he yelling for? That was a question. Chris didn't answer for a few moments, feeling the ground on his back and the grass against legs. Chris didn't want to answer. But it wasn't like he'd really shared since coming here. A little here, a little there. Nothing terribly inconsequential. Maybe he had too. Maybe that was part of the problem.
He tried to figure out where to start in his journey, where to voice the pain that he had tried to scream out and failed to do so. "I'm dead. I think I'm dead and I failed to save my family."
Then it was Chris' turn to try to deflect with a joke.
"Aren't you glad I'm such good company?"
He tried to figure out where to start in his journey, where to voice the pain that he had tried to scream out and failed to do so. "I'm dead. I think I'm dead and I failed to save my family."
Then it was Chris' turn to try to deflect with a joke.
"Aren't you glad I'm such good company?"
They would inevitably return to the matter of Kell, and the hole he leaves behind, the way water circles a drain — it has no choice but to submit to that downward pull. But for now, Wilhelm will fight against the current of his thoughts. Fight to stay afloat.
"That's good."
So far removed from the context of their home worlds, it's easy to forget sometimes that Jesper was part of a gang in a cutthroat city, where Wilhelm definitely would have ended up dead in a ditch, or kidnapped and held for a fat ransom. He doesn't think he could ever learn that cool acceptance. He still feels, two full years later, the weight of the lives snuffed out in Libertas and Nott.
"You would've gotten in bigger trouble."
If anyone had died. Hoping desperately for a buzz to drown out everything else, he sips more of his drink.
"That's good."
So far removed from the context of their home worlds, it's easy to forget sometimes that Jesper was part of a gang in a cutthroat city, where Wilhelm definitely would have ended up dead in a ditch, or kidnapped and held for a fat ransom. He doesn't think he could ever learn that cool acceptance. He still feels, two full years later, the weight of the lives snuffed out in Libertas and Nott.
"You would've gotten in bigger trouble."
If anyone had died. Hoping desperately for a buzz to drown out everything else, he sips more of his drink.
It hits Wilhelm like a stone to the chest, smashing past his ribs to bruise his heart. Of all the things he might have expected Chris to name as the fuel for his screaming, that wasn't it. He turns a pale look on him, the torn up petals fluttering the short distance from his hand to the ground. Once again he finds himself wondering what there is to say.
"That sucks," is all he can come up with. It's not nearly enough, but it's as solemn a pronouncement as anyone could make.
He can't even reassure him with the fact that, if he died in his world, at least he can have a second chance here. That doesn't do his family any fucking good.
"That sucks," is all he can come up with. It's not nearly enough, but it's as solemn a pronouncement as anyone could make.
He can't even reassure him with the fact that, if he died in his world, at least he can have a second chance here. That doesn't do his family any fucking good.
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