Who: Cassian & various
When: September to October
Where: Around Thorne and the Horizon
What: Catch-all for September and October
Warnings: N/A, will update accordingly
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( closed starters below! ↓ reach out on discord @ cardialloyed for plotting! )
pls... forgive me for this......
river still isn't consciously aware of doing it; she just wants so desperately for cassian to see his life from a different perspective, when his vision is always so clouded by these negative emotions. he does it again, spiraling into guilt the moment he admits that there are people that have saved his life. she wants to take it all away so he can see clearly, even if only for a moment - so she does.
all of his anger and hatred, so much of it directed at himself more than the empire; his sadness and his guilt, the feelings of failure or inadequacy. she pulls them back and away to release his blinders, then creates a zone of truth within the space of the bedroom that compels him toward honesty. not just in the sense of preventing lies but also seeing truth, granting clarity without the pollution of emotion.
like watching from a corner of the room ( or the other side of a screen ) rather than through his own eyes, he'll see brief flashes of any memories that come to mind for the rest of their conversation. she wants him to see himself from the other side, through the eyes of those that perceive him rather than the way he perceives himself - those that love him, that care about him, that want to save him from this world and from himself -
she wants him to see. all of it, everything he tries to look away from, the things he tries to reject outright because they're too scary for him to face. she wants him to be brave enough to face it all directly, and so for a moment, serenity is the one that addresses him. it's hard to say if her voice is in the room or in his head, that way of speaking without moving her lips while being heard as clearly as a bell ringing in their ears. it's all magic; an enchantment to make him look inward as she speaks directly to his heart with her forehead pressed to his chest. ]
"Taken" isn't the same as "running away." You can be kept in a box and spend every day wishing to see the outside of it without bearing the blame of the one that keeps you.
[ it's not your fault, being trapped here - the same way he was trapped on narkina 5 when maarva died, held under false pretenses when there were so many other legitimate things he could have been imprisoned for. they stole people, tortured them and forced them into servitude; he was the one that sparked a rebellion and led them to freedom, yet she knows he still carries guilt and regret for not being there in her final moments. there's no way to know if he would've gone back to ferrix eventually if he weren't imprisoned, but that's not the point. he's just as trapped in abraxas now, only there's no riot or revolt that can free them. the objective truth is that he does not have any choice in the matter. it's not his fault. ]
They say that we're taken from a point in time, that we'll return to that point when we slip into the Black as though we never left in the first place. They won't realize you were gone and you won't remember you were here.
[ all the people he's missing, the people that are waiting for him to return are all still there, exactly where he left them. like a movie that's been paused indefinitely, the characters frozen in place and incapable of movement or thought or judgment for his supposed absence from the scene.Â
on the other side of it all, his entire life here in abraxas, everything he's experienced and the connections he's forged - one day, it'll all be gone, a dream he won't remember. he'll forget this; he'll forget her. river has despaired at the thought for as long as she's known, a block of ice in her heart that says none of it means a damn thing even as she desperately clings to the people she has come to treasure in this world. ]
We're living on stolen time. It's not ours to keep. But every day, Kassa, every single day, you think about them. You see ghosts everywhere you look and you gasp for breath like the Empire still has its boot on your neck.
[ the mirrors. the nightmares. the dream, even, that emergent reality where he spent close to a millenia incapable of stopping or slowing down, endlessly sacrificing himself in pursuit of justice even though it's impossible to eradicate suffering. he won't let himself breathe, even for a moment. instead, he spends his days thinking about everything he's done wrong, everything there is still left to do, never stopping to recognize what's right in front of him. ]
They're not here. But neither are you. You never left that world. You brought it here with you and you're still living in it now. Every single day, and not once have you let go or left any of it behind. You're not running away, gēgē. You're drowning in it, and you won't let anyone save you because you don't think you deserve to be saved. You make us watch as you sink to the bottom of the ocean or scatter to the wind.
[ whether it's maarva trying to protect her son, brasso and bix doing yet another favor for a friend, all the people in abraxas that still know him as 'alyx' or the centuries that river spent chasing down his stardust. he keeps himself at arm's length from everyone around him and refuses to accept their help. all they can do is watch as he spirals. they love him, worry for him, and they live with the constant rejection of his refusal to stay by their side. he always has one foot out the door, ready to leave them all behind. ]
You're living half a life, in this 'verse or any other. Whether it's Kassa or Cassian Jeron Andor or Alyx Halcorr doesn't really matter. All they want is to see you happy. Their greatest treasure, lost at the edge of the galaxy. Look past the rust and you'll find love, just waiting for you to believe that you deserve it.
[ and then at last, he'll see flashes of the people that matter most to him, in moments of them smiling or laughing or holding him close, a hug or a handshake or simply being beside him in his darkest hours. she wants him to see the love in his life without filtering it through his own biases and self-criticism. just the honest truth: he is loved. whatever else can be said of his lifetime, of his failures and mistakes, the hurt he's experienced or caused - there are people that know it all and love him anyway, and he can't take that away from them. he just has to accept it. ]
i love this sm and ilu so much OKAY
Brown eyes give way to black, fathomless voids that swirl with stardust and limitless possibility at the end of their dream. For a moment that feels like it spans an eternity he is lifted above the crippling guilt that weighs heavy on his shoulders. River's voice plays like an overlay over the moments of his life that have led him to this moment. And while all of those moments have been turned over in his mind over and over again like a wound he refuses to let heal this time he's dull to the pain of a life lived, of mistakes made, of loved ones lost.
He feels outside his body. The only certain thing tethering him here to this bed and this room is the warm weight of River's forehead against her chest and the words she weaves around his heart. Though gentle they are said with such conviction and force that it makes it impossible for him to object no matter how much he wants to. Cassian wants to tell her that he isn't drowning. He has never thought himself of drowning because he can swim. He's always survived, just like how he's been fine with just well enough. Even with his tank on empty he has gone on and found a way to make things work because there had been no other choice.
Who would look after Maarva after Clem was gone? Who would earn the credits for her medication? Who would fix Bee when his routers and wheels were jammed? Who made sure to watch Bix and Brasso's backs when they were so busy looking after everyone else? Who would search for Kerri when no one else remembered her except him?
That he is stuck in limbo, like a man lost in time and space, is unforgivable. It doesn't matter that the fault does not lie with him or that time would march on the moment he returned to his galaxy. It is unforgivable because now he's lived a life here, forged connections with others lost in time and space and he cares. He cares so deeply for the faces that River's magic manifests in his mind's eye that a part of him will always remember them even when they find a way home. How dare they do this to them all?
It's impossible to think of those things however. To think of the end when River's magic gently and firmly shakes the guilt, the sorrow, and the anger away, burning it off until nothing else remains but love. Because what is worry if not that? Love persists in spite of it all. A lump begins to form in his throat and his grip around her tightens as the last of the magic and faces loosen their grip on his heart. Black gives way to brown eyes as a soft, dim glow begins to pulse from his veins. There's a dampness at the corners of his eyes but it's not clear he realizes it himself as he presses his face to her hair.
Moments pass in silence as the weight of River's words settle on his heart. Hard truths are difficult things to accept overnight let alone in a moment but he knows that she's right. ]
I don't think I deserve it. But I can work on accepting it. For them. For you.
[ Gently he presses a kiss to her hair mingled with the taste of salt, stardust and words of affection that he can't bring himself to say. ]
Thank you, mèi mei.