[ sam isn't entirely sure what there is to believe. the larger part is latching onto evidence - on to the fact that peter did come back and remember, that bucky has been here twice and that can't be a coincidence, and then tony and wanda and. steve. he needs to believe that they go home because he needs to believe there's a next step for all the people he's already lost.
but he also knows better. with the multiverse at play here, with the possibilities extending in every possible direction for infinity, there's no way to prove any of this will have anything to do with what is at home. sam could either leave and be right back in delacroix, or he could never see his sister, or nephews, ever again. because he could just be one of millions, of billions, of versions.
the steve that showed up, the steve he saw, could have easily been the same steve he set off on that platform. or it could have been any of the billions of others. and yet sam can't stop thinking about it like he was the same one. and that's not fair, is it? that some version that isn't even his-
( and yet even now he can hear his mom, his sister - does that really matter? yours or not? be kind to them all, open your heart to them, be who you are. the rest will fall into place. )
when geralt speaks, sam does finally look up over to him. can hear yennefer's name, even when he doesn't speak it. there's a complicated layer added onto everything he just sort of knows when it comes to yennefer, now. knowing she was thought to be dead. knowing that she obviously isn't. it catches on somewhere in sam's chest. he almost speaks on it, mentions it, but then geralt continues. mentions a visenna and...oh. sam thinks back to that conversation they had back on his horizon, the way geralt had tensed, hadn't engaged, in any mention of mothers. now, as he says gave birth to me, sam sees more of the puzzle pieces fit into place.
a hundred years.
sam opens his mouth, and then closes it again, because he's not exactly sure what he wants to say. he thinks he gets what geralt is saying, thinks he understands that...yes. it would have been easier if steve just never showed back up. it would have been easier if sam knew that there was no going back, so he just had to move on. let go. it's what he told bucky to do, after all - to find closure. ]
I think it's also about the choices they make- to leave. Yennefer, Visenna... [ sam gestures, vaguely, implying they made their choices. ] Steve did, too. But it's- [ sam tenses, cutting himself off as his eyes go back to his drink. how does he even explain this? how does he explain any of it? for a few moments geralt can probably tell that sam is thinking, considering his words, before he finally lets out a sigh and sets down his cup. leans back in his chair and crosses his arms. ]
Back home, I left him, in a way. Steve. I guess I kind of...died. But wasn't my choice. [ he figures might as well, and jumps into it, face shifting to a kind of darker laughter as he shakes his head. ] Hell, half the fucking universe stopped existing for five years and I was part of it- but I did. And he got me back, and I thought maybe we would have the chance to talk about it. About anything. Because I know what those five years did to him, I know how it feels to be left behind. [ if there is something tight and a little shaky around those last few words, sam doesn't acknowledge them. pushes by. ]
But in the end, he had a job to finish, and he made his choice. [ it nearly overwhelms him - the regret of not just asking him. how steve had been around for days, weeks, and sam just never got to it. his eyes are hard on the cup he left on the table between them, letting the feeling of it rise and then settle somewhere in his chest.
because sam has spent months, over a year now he guesses, trying to figure it out for himself. steve's reasons, steve's choices. he understands the shield, bucky made that piece clear enough, but it's the rest of it. all of it. sam sighs again. ]
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but he also knows better. with the multiverse at play here, with the possibilities extending in every possible direction for infinity, there's no way to prove any of this will have anything to do with what is at home. sam could either leave and be right back in delacroix, or he could never see his sister, or nephews, ever again. because he could just be one of millions, of billions, of versions.
the steve that showed up, the steve he saw, could have easily been the same steve he set off on that platform. or it could have been any of the billions of others. and yet sam can't stop thinking about it like he was the same one. and that's not fair, is it? that some version that isn't even his-
( and yet even now he can hear his mom, his sister - does that really matter? yours or not? be kind to them all, open your heart to them, be who you are. the rest will fall into place. )
when geralt speaks, sam does finally look up over to him. can hear yennefer's name, even when he doesn't speak it. there's a complicated layer added onto everything he just sort of knows when it comes to yennefer, now. knowing she was thought to be dead. knowing that she obviously isn't. it catches on somewhere in sam's chest. he almost speaks on it, mentions it, but then geralt continues. mentions a visenna and...oh. sam thinks back to that conversation they had back on his horizon, the way geralt had tensed, hadn't engaged, in any mention of mothers. now, as he says gave birth to me, sam sees more of the puzzle pieces fit into place.
a hundred years.
sam opens his mouth, and then closes it again, because he's not exactly sure what he wants to say. he thinks he gets what geralt is saying, thinks he understands that...yes. it would have been easier if steve just never showed back up. it would have been easier if sam knew that there was no going back, so he just had to move on. let go. it's what he told bucky to do, after all - to find closure. ]
I think it's also about the choices they make- to leave. Yennefer, Visenna... [ sam gestures, vaguely, implying they made their choices. ] Steve did, too. But it's- [ sam tenses, cutting himself off as his eyes go back to his drink. how does he even explain this? how does he explain any of it? for a few moments geralt can probably tell that sam is thinking, considering his words, before he finally lets out a sigh and sets down his cup. leans back in his chair and crosses his arms. ]
Back home, I left him, in a way. Steve. I guess I kind of...died. But wasn't my choice. [ he figures might as well, and jumps into it, face shifting to a kind of darker laughter as he shakes his head. ] Hell, half the fucking universe stopped existing for five years and I was part of it- but I did. And he got me back, and I thought maybe we would have the chance to talk about it. About anything. Because I know what those five years did to him, I know how it feels to be left behind. [ if there is something tight and a little shaky around those last few words, sam doesn't acknowledge them. pushes by. ]
But in the end, he had a job to finish, and he made his choice. [ it nearly overwhelms him - the regret of not just asking him. how steve had been around for days, weeks, and sam just never got to it. his eyes are hard on the cup he left on the table between them, letting the feeling of it rise and then settle somewhere in his chest.
because sam has spent months, over a year now he guesses, trying to figure it out for himself. steve's reasons, steve's choices. he understands the shield, bucky made that piece clear enough, but it's the rest of it. all of it. sam sighs again. ]