[ if geralt did want to argue it, there was probably more than sam could actually say about how sometimes death, or being gone, can be a choice. how it feels like it is, specifically, if the details line up well enough. how it can feel like - if someone really does give up - that it's a choice they made. but that's just it, too - geralt doesn't argue it, because he knows. because he gets it.
whether or not sam sees geralt's brows knit together because his eyes are on the mug between them instead, it doesn't matter. he can feel the slight tension, knew the second he mentioned any of this that geralt would put the pieces together. sam isn't exactly sure how it is he's supposed to be feeling - he hadn't meant to keep that a secret, necessarily. it wasn't supposed to be any kind of big reveal. there just wasn't much to say about it, and considering everyone back home got it, in their own way...
geralt's eyes are on him for a good time after he finishes talking, and while sam does glance up to catch his gaze at some point, the majority of his attention is on the mug. the drink. part of him isn't even sure geralt understands what sam is trying to say, mostly because sam's not entirely sure what it is he's trying to say, either. you didn't see it coming he says, and sam lets out a quiet huff of a laugh. no, he hadn't seen it coming, because the steve rogers he knew wouldn't have done it.
but five years can change a person. five years is about how long he knew steve. isn't it a bit selfish to think he should be allowed to be surprised at all? things change, people grow, decisions are made and lives keep going or they don't and that is just the way of it.
the softer tone to geralt's question has sam looking back over to him - just for a moment, just for a second - before his eyes are back to the space between. is that the reason? is that what he's so caught up on? ]
I don't know. Maybe. [ a pause, and then sam is rubbing one of his hands over the back of his neck. over the top of his head. ] I mean- that's the easy thought, right? That if I'd just seen it then maybe something would have been different. Or maybe nothing would have changed at all. [ sam has regrets, and a bunch of them do have to do with steve rogers, but not about that. he doesn't think.
because if given the chance, he's not sure he would change any of it. his road to becoming cap, having the shield, knowing what being captain america will mean... they're things he's proud of. he's in a place he's proud of. and while he's still not entirely happy about how steve never bothered to tell him about his plans, how he didn't know what it would mean to get the shield at all, that's not really the problem, either.
for a few more moments, sam is quiet. thoughtful. working away at the knot that has worked itself through his ribs. what is it that's bothering him, if it's not that? he feels a bit like he's been lying, that he intentionally kept it all from steve because he didn't have the chance to say anything about it. but the more sam tries that on, the more he doesn't think that's it either. ]
I think... [ he purses his lips, shakes his head. what follows comes spilling out of him, and sam doesn't really bother trying to mince his words. ] I think it's knowing he can end up coming back again. [ which...that is at least part of it. he can tell by the way that feels, now that he's said it. ] That he could show up again, and then leave, and he could forget everything. I didn't talk to him this time around because I was worried about how he'd react, but now that he's gone it's kind of like...I don't know. Kind of like even if I had said something, what would have bee the point? If he ever shows back up again, he probably won't remember it anyway. Strange didn't, Bucky didn't. Makes it all feel kinda pointless.
[ which...that's also probably why it's been so hard to wrap his head around. why sam's struggled to get to this point at all. because that's not like him - to be tired, to find things not worth the effort. captain america definitely isn't the type, but neither is sam wilson, and yet. yet. he can't shake the feeling. ]
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whether or not sam sees geralt's brows knit together because his eyes are on the mug between them instead, it doesn't matter. he can feel the slight tension, knew the second he mentioned any of this that geralt would put the pieces together. sam isn't exactly sure how it is he's supposed to be feeling - he hadn't meant to keep that a secret, necessarily. it wasn't supposed to be any kind of big reveal. there just wasn't much to say about it, and considering everyone back home got it, in their own way...
geralt's eyes are on him for a good time after he finishes talking, and while sam does glance up to catch his gaze at some point, the majority of his attention is on the mug. the drink. part of him isn't even sure geralt understands what sam is trying to say, mostly because sam's not entirely sure what it is he's trying to say, either. you didn't see it coming he says, and sam lets out a quiet huff of a laugh. no, he hadn't seen it coming, because the steve rogers he knew wouldn't have done it.
but five years can change a person. five years is about how long he knew steve. isn't it a bit selfish to think he should be allowed to be surprised at all? things change, people grow, decisions are made and lives keep going or they don't and that is just the way of it.
the softer tone to geralt's question has sam looking back over to him - just for a moment, just for a second - before his eyes are back to the space between. is that the reason? is that what he's so caught up on? ]
I don't know. Maybe. [ a pause, and then sam is rubbing one of his hands over the back of his neck. over the top of his head. ] I mean- that's the easy thought, right? That if I'd just seen it then maybe something would have been different. Or maybe nothing would have changed at all. [ sam has regrets, and a bunch of them do have to do with steve rogers, but not about that. he doesn't think.
because if given the chance, he's not sure he would change any of it. his road to becoming cap, having the shield, knowing what being captain america will mean... they're things he's proud of. he's in a place he's proud of. and while he's still not entirely happy about how steve never bothered to tell him about his plans, how he didn't know what it would mean to get the shield at all, that's not really the problem, either.
for a few more moments, sam is quiet. thoughtful. working away at the knot that has worked itself through his ribs. what is it that's bothering him, if it's not that? he feels a bit like he's been lying, that he intentionally kept it all from steve because he didn't have the chance to say anything about it. but the more sam tries that on, the more he doesn't think that's it either. ]
I think... [ he purses his lips, shakes his head. what follows comes spilling out of him, and sam doesn't really bother trying to mince his words. ] I think it's knowing he can end up coming back again. [ which...that is at least part of it. he can tell by the way that feels, now that he's said it. ] That he could show up again, and then leave, and he could forget everything. I didn't talk to him this time around because I was worried about how he'd react, but now that he's gone it's kind of like...I don't know. Kind of like even if I had said something, what would have bee the point? If he ever shows back up again, he probably won't remember it anyway. Strange didn't, Bucky didn't. Makes it all feel kinda pointless.
[ which...that's also probably why it's been so hard to wrap his head around. why sam's struggled to get to this point at all. because that's not like him - to be tired, to find things not worth the effort. captain america definitely isn't the type, but neither is sam wilson, and yet. yet. he can't shake the feeling. ]