Kell, my greatest area of interest is not being able to do it at all. But as that's not an option, I am doing my best to accept what I am and what I can do. That doesn't mean I'm going to be excited about it. I'm not pursuing this because I want to, but because I have to in order to control it and make myself less potentially dangerous. I'm just lucky I have teachers who understand and are willing to work with me.
[Mat's getting better and more at ease with what he can do, but he hardly has any desire to become some great mage, as they call Aes Sedai here. This is all purely practical. It's a precaution. Like getting a wildfire contained. It has to be done, so he's doing it.
And while he can find moments of pride and satisfaction in mastering - to an extent - the few things he has, it still comes with trepidation and that impossible to shake fear that he's going to lose his mind. Not helped by so many instances where he really does feel as if he's going mad.]
I've nothing against magic. Magic has saved my life, I'm not an idiot. But light, I've spent my life terrified of the possibility of being able to do it. That sort of thing doesn't just vanish in a handful of months. And I appreciate how many folks in my life are supportive and encouraging, but it's really not something I can get that excited about or start looking to the future on. I'm still trying not to look over my shoulder for White Cloaks or Red Aes Sedai coming to take me away.
no subject
[Mat's getting better and more at ease with what he can do, but he hardly has any desire to become some great mage, as they call Aes Sedai here. This is all purely practical. It's a precaution. Like getting a wildfire contained. It has to be done, so he's doing it.
And while he can find moments of pride and satisfaction in mastering - to an extent - the few things he has, it still comes with trepidation and that impossible to shake fear that he's going to lose his mind. Not helped by so many instances where he really does feel as if he's going mad.]
I've nothing against magic. Magic has saved my life, I'm not an idiot. But light, I've spent my life terrified of the possibility of being able to do it. That sort of thing doesn't just vanish in a handful of months. And I appreciate how many folks in my life are supportive and encouraging, but it's really not something I can get that excited about or start looking to the future on. I'm still trying not to look over my shoulder for White Cloaks or Red Aes Sedai coming to take me away.