Opening up to others has never been easy for Kaz. The relationship he has with Inej, and Jesper as well, is the closest he has ever been with others since he lost his brother. He knows they're aware of that which makes it harder some times than he would like to admit. Such as being open about his concerns, rather than just burying them and agreeing though he hasn't a clue how to act on them.
It isn't an insult even asking that, as easy as he is to cutting people with words as if they were a blade he wielded for defense. Yet his words often are his first weapon of defense, this is something worse in his mind. Vulnerability.
He hates it. Hates the way it feels, to be as open to others as if he were stripped down to nothing. Hates how it makes him feel emotions he would deny he was even capable of. He's lived so long as a barrel rat that even with two people beside him he knows have followed him literally into Hell and they brought one another back out. Being known by them shouldn't be a fear he has.
And yet there it is.
But he knows it is, in part, to the reality that their paths were never meant to cross and he embraced who he is while she did what she had to. At least in his mind.
"You believe that, and I believe you," he says, knowing she means every word she says. As things stand now. "And even if you use my words against me," he says, giving her a look with an arched brow. "They brought us here to fight a war despite the friends you've both made and all that is offered by those in this building and all. It will come whether we agree to fight for them or not. I don't think either of us will wholly get a chance to leave who we've been behind," he notes, giving voice to the thoughts that have plagued him since the day he arrived.
"I wish I could say I didn't think so, for both you and Jesper, but I sadly don't think it will be."
Of course, he's not thinking of ways he could be part of protecting them when that did happen and not be the bastard he's been. Extremes and all of that.
He steps in closer to her, his gaze intense and his step almost careful.
"That ruthlessness and skill that earned me that name might well be needed here. For all of our sake."
no subject
It isn't an insult even asking that, as easy as he is to cutting people with words as if they were a blade he wielded for defense. Yet his words often are his first weapon of defense, this is something worse in his mind. Vulnerability.
He hates it. Hates the way it feels, to be as open to others as if he were stripped down to nothing. Hates how it makes him feel emotions he would deny he was even capable of. He's lived so long as a barrel rat that even with two people beside him he knows have followed him literally into Hell and they brought one another back out. Being known by them shouldn't be a fear he has.
And yet there it is.
But he knows it is, in part, to the reality that their paths were never meant to cross and he embraced who he is while she did what she had to. At least in his mind.
"You believe that, and I believe you," he says, knowing she means every word she says. As things stand now. "And even if you use my words against me," he says, giving her a look with an arched brow. "They brought us here to fight a war despite the friends you've both made and all that is offered by those in this building and all. It will come whether we agree to fight for them or not. I don't think either of us will wholly get a chance to leave who we've been behind," he notes, giving voice to the thoughts that have plagued him since the day he arrived.
"I wish I could say I didn't think so, for both you and Jesper, but I sadly don't think it will be."
Of course, he's not thinking of ways he could be part of protecting them when that did happen and not be the bastard he's been. Extremes and all of that.
He steps in closer to her, his gaze intense and his step almost careful.
"That ruthlessness and skill that earned me that name might well be needed here. For all of our sake."