He's quiet for a long time. Telling the story, he's acutely aware of their touch, bolstering him on either side. He's aware of the heat of their skin, the hushed sound of their breathing, and most importantly, that they're there. Jesper and Inej. Certainly the Dregs are his, but it's not in the same way that these two are his people. His. Above all else, above perhaps even wealth, he would protect them.
And he had protected them from this story as well, though he realizes now that what he feared most, they weren't giving him. Pity. There was none of it between them. Both offering him focus and a way through this without pitying the boy he had been, or the man he had become.
And it is in that he's able to go on. Nodding at Jesper's words, even as he draws those slow, deep breaths. Though he's certain it's more focusing on her breathing than his own that helps him to center himself in this moment and not in the past.
"I know he would have, and I know I have done all I can to avenge his life taken. Not that I wouldn't do more," he admits, but then it's part of his life still. At least before this place. "That night though, it still clings to me. I have endured so much since that night I came back to the docks but I have never been able to shake that. After I nearly broke down from a panic attack, I got my gloves. I learned to be as good with them as without them, and the reputation grew."
And he had reveled in it because it leant him strength.
"I nearly ruined things because of it when we were on our way to the palace. It's a weakness and I deplore it," he says, growling out the words, remembering fainting in that moment. He'll never forget. "But I don't know how to overcome it. I have been..." He looks down at his bare hands. They're steady and look perfectly normal, but to him they're not. "With Inej I've been doing better, for her sake. I've been trying." She deserves and has demanded all of him, after all.
But with this all a new kind of panic was settling into his chest. They knew his shame. They knew his weakness. In telling him this he bares himself to them and it terrifies him even as much as he knows it's the costly bet he has to make. Without it, he will lose and he knows that much. He's bared himself, armor gone, and he knows its worth it.
He just isn't sure if it's enough to win him what he wants. More than that, who he needs.
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And he had protected them from this story as well, though he realizes now that what he feared most, they weren't giving him. Pity. There was none of it between them. Both offering him focus and a way through this without pitying the boy he had been, or the man he had become.
And it is in that he's able to go on. Nodding at Jesper's words, even as he draws those slow, deep breaths. Though he's certain it's more focusing on her breathing than his own that helps him to center himself in this moment and not in the past.
"I know he would have, and I know I have done all I can to avenge his life taken. Not that I wouldn't do more," he admits, but then it's part of his life still. At least before this place. "That night though, it still clings to me. I have endured so much since that night I came back to the docks but I have never been able to shake that. After I nearly broke down from a panic attack, I got my gloves. I learned to be as good with them as without them, and the reputation grew."
And he had reveled in it because it leant him strength.
"I nearly ruined things because of it when we were on our way to the palace. It's a weakness and I deplore it," he says, growling out the words, remembering fainting in that moment. He'll never forget. "But I don't know how to overcome it. I have been..." He looks down at his bare hands. They're steady and look perfectly normal, but to him they're not. "With Inej I've been doing better, for her sake. I've been trying." She deserves and has demanded all of him, after all.
But with this all a new kind of panic was settling into his chest. They knew his shame. They knew his weakness. In telling him this he bares himself to them and it terrifies him even as much as he knows it's the costly bet he has to make. Without it, he will lose and he knows that much. He's bared himself, armor gone, and he knows its worth it.
He just isn't sure if it's enough to win him what he wants. More than that, who he needs.