[ istredd knows what it means that yennefer doesnot push back, and that in itself is a small blessing. something that yennefer hasn't felt in a very long time - that knowing that she is understood, without having to say it aloud. that there is no reason for her to have to stand her ground, when istredd knows her well enough to simply know. and it is hard, to have to accept the fact that they both know it never would have worked. that she would have quickly and efficiently gotten bored of the life he led there, and that no matter what she told herself, what she wanted out of that life, it would not have been worth an entire lifetime.
but it does still hurt - the way she had laid herself out to him, the way she had swallowed her pride and returned to him, just to have it shut down in her face. part of her wonders where she would be if he had said yes, if she'd never gone to sodden, never used fire magic, never-
no, it's a fool's errand to try and imagine the long list of what ifs. not when there's nothing that will change the decisions they both did make. the things she did do. and whether or not they both hover in that enticing, addicting feeling of want that rushes over them both, she is the one to run this time (but it is not only her. ]
Istredd, don't- [ when he starts speaking again, she tries to stop him, knowing what words will follow. and they do - i never stopped loving you - and yennefer listens as he keeps talking. she watches him, though her expression is hardly one he will want to see. because she does know that about him, doesn't she? that he loved her, even when he had turned her away. that he still loves her, and will.
that had been what yennefer wanted when she'd come to him in the desert, and having that turned back on her had felt horrible. had felt embarrassing. but it hadn't broken her heart, and that had told her more than what she was looking for.
it's not something so simple as saying that she doesn't love him back, because that isn't true, either. even now she's drawn back to those stupidly blue eyes, pulled towards the fact she knows him, knows what this is, and there is a comfort in it that she does not take for granted. but she also doesn't say what he wants to hear in return, and maybe istredd knows that she won't. maybe that is a par of her he already knows.
she is alive. and they are both together again. but nothing feels solved, nothing feels cured, and yennefer still feels adrift, listless, without the electric pulse of her chaos in her. and now istredd knows what that tired, exhausted, hallow look in her eyes means. now he knows why she had run that late into the night. now he knows-
now he is offering to her the one thing she needs, and still she can't take it from him. it would be easy, wouldn't it? to take what it is for herself. that is what the voleth mier had told her she would need to do with the girl, with ciri, and it had been what yennefer had decided she would do. but now that istredd is offering the very same, yennefer can't find it in herself to still be that desperate, that hungry, that lost.
( maybe, in the coming weeks, she will realize what that means for her. what that means about her. but what does it matter? ciri, geralt, jaskier- they all know what she apparently does. they all know who she will become.
does istredd? would it change anything he's telling her if he did? )
after a moment, she shakes her head, letting her hands drift down to his forearms, where she squeezes. ]
Right now, I need you to never mention this to anyone. Not within the castle, not in the Horizon, not to Summoned and especially not to a Thornean. We- [ we. gods, she is accepting his help. that is what this is. he is offering her aid and she is taking it. ] We will figure out the rest later.
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but it does still hurt - the way she had laid herself out to him, the way she had swallowed her pride and returned to him, just to have it shut down in her face. part of her wonders where she would be if he had said yes, if she'd never gone to sodden, never used fire magic, never-
no, it's a fool's errand to try and imagine the long list of what ifs. not when there's nothing that will change the decisions they both did make. the things she did do. and whether or not they both hover in that enticing, addicting feeling of want that rushes over them both, she is the one to run this time (but it is not only her. ]
Istredd, don't- [ when he starts speaking again, she tries to stop him, knowing what words will follow. and they do - i never stopped loving you - and yennefer listens as he keeps talking. she watches him, though her expression is hardly one he will want to see. because she does know that about him, doesn't she? that he loved her, even when he had turned her away. that he still loves her, and will.
that had been what yennefer wanted when she'd come to him in the desert, and having that turned back on her had felt horrible. had felt embarrassing. but it hadn't broken her heart, and that had told her more than what she was looking for.
it's not something so simple as saying that she doesn't love him back, because that isn't true, either. even now she's drawn back to those stupidly blue eyes, pulled towards the fact she knows him, knows what this is, and there is a comfort in it that she does not take for granted. but she also doesn't say what he wants to hear in return, and maybe istredd knows that she won't. maybe that is a par of her he already knows.
she is alive. and they are both together again. but nothing feels solved, nothing feels cured, and yennefer still feels adrift, listless, without the electric pulse of her chaos in her. and now istredd knows what that tired, exhausted, hallow look in her eyes means. now he knows why she had run that late into the night. now he knows-
now he is offering to her the one thing she needs, and still she can't take it from him. it would be easy, wouldn't it? to take what it is for herself. that is what the voleth mier had told her she would need to do with the girl, with ciri, and it had been what yennefer had decided she would do. but now that istredd is offering the very same, yennefer can't find it in herself to still be that desperate, that hungry, that lost.
( maybe, in the coming weeks, she will realize what that means for her. what that means about her. but what does it matter? ciri, geralt, jaskier- they all know what she apparently does. they all know who she will become.
does istredd? would it change anything he's telling her if he did? )
after a moment, she shakes her head, letting her hands drift down to his forearms, where she squeezes. ]
Right now, I need you to never mention this to anyone. Not within the castle, not in the Horizon, not to Summoned and especially not to a Thornean. We- [ we. gods, she is accepting his help. that is what this is. he is offering her aid and she is taking it. ] We will figure out the rest later.