[ As usual when she brings that up it draws blood because it is one of those things that never stops. He will always be paying for his mistake, he will never be able to get past this thing he did to her. He almost laughs but it's bitter because of course. Here again.]
Always back to that, Yenna. As if you've never made a mistake in your entire life? As if you've never hurt people you cared about by being stupid and short-sighted?
[ Until now Istredd has taken every time she punched it at him, but she's in his space so he looks down at her with fire in his eyes for once. Maybe it's time to really get it all out. Because he does have some feelings about that he's kept to himself. They are stuck here for who knows how long and he is tired, he doesn't want to keep coming back to this fight. His voice is creeping into anger, louder than usual.]
You still got everything you wanted. Don't act like a part of you wasn't relieved that you didn't have to waste your life with me. You were always going to leave me behind.
[ This is the truth that he has been holding in his mind ever since. After he tried and tried to get into her court. After his guilt remained but anger took over, and Istredd thought back to their conversations. He knew, he always knew, that he was not meant for her. He loves her for the very reasons she can't be his. It is doomed and painful. ]
You think I turned you down out of spite at the mines? I turned you down because I know I will never be enough for you. Why would I want that for either of us?
[ Istredd was tempted, as he always is. He loves her, he misses her, even now with her in his space, he misses her. How that is possible, he doesn't know. He could get into her mind, and she knows that, and their eyes are meeting so it would be so easy. But he doesn't. Perhaps she wants that, so she can be angry at him for pushing in where he's not wanted. ]
You don't know that. This place has new chaos, it is a new start. We could look for the answers. You are so afraid of the possibility that someone else could help you that you'd rather have it not at all.
[ Finally after everything, after him purging thoughts and feelings, he reaches out to grip her arms. To get her to listen, to understand, but it is so hopeless at the same time. ]
I told you to come to Cintra, I waited for you. If you think I would not put you above every stranger in this damned castle, you are the fool.
no subject
Always back to that, Yenna. As if you've never made a mistake in your entire life? As if you've never hurt people you cared about by being stupid and short-sighted?
[ Until now Istredd has taken every time she punched it at him, but she's in his space so he looks down at her with fire in his eyes for once. Maybe it's time to really get it all out. Because he does have some feelings about that he's kept to himself. They are stuck here for who knows how long and he is tired, he doesn't want to keep coming back to this fight. His voice is creeping into anger, louder than usual.]
You still got everything you wanted. Don't act like a part of you wasn't relieved that you didn't have to waste your life with me. You were always going to leave me behind.
[ This is the truth that he has been holding in his mind ever since. After he tried and tried to get into her court. After his guilt remained but anger took over, and Istredd thought back to their conversations. He knew, he always knew, that he was not meant for her. He loves her for the very reasons she can't be his. It is doomed and painful. ]
You think I turned you down out of spite at the mines? I turned you down because I know I will never be enough for you. Why would I want that for either of us?
[ Istredd was tempted, as he always is. He loves her, he misses her, even now with her in his space, he misses her. How that is possible, he doesn't know. He could get into her mind, and she knows that, and their eyes are meeting so it would be so easy. But he doesn't. Perhaps she wants that, so she can be angry at him for pushing in where he's not wanted. ]
You don't know that. This place has new chaos, it is a new start. We could look for the answers. You are so afraid of the possibility that someone else could help you that you'd rather have it not at all.
[ Finally after everything, after him purging thoughts and feelings, he reaches out to grip her arms. To get her to listen, to understand, but it is so hopeless at the same time. ]
I told you to come to Cintra, I waited for you. If you think I would not put you above every stranger in this damned castle, you are the fool.