Relena lets out a soft sigh, drawing in a breath in her nose and sitting up again. She can't sit here wilting into herself. It's not becoming of a foreign minister. She's an adult now in the eyes of her world. She can't keep sulking like a child, not even here.
"There are people that would agree with you, and I didn't always believe what I believe now. When I was younger, I was so angry that I did try to kill someone in revenge, but I didn't accomplish that and I learned that it wouldn't have satisfied anything. It would just perpetuate a cycle of revenge and death, in the end. That kind of action, it was childish and I don't want to go back there. I almost betrayed my father's memory that way."
She might as well be candid, at least.
She lets out the smallest of laughs, though it's humorless, and rests her chin on her hand.
"I work with that woman now, almost regularly. We're on the same side, both trying to maintain peace. Both trying to put out fires in two different worlds: I work in politics and she works to subdue terrorist factions trying to kick up old alliances. I've forgiven her and it was better for me. But..."
She rubs her eye with her other hand and looks over to Estinien, trying to put on a calmness. She has always been able to subdue herself when she catches her breath.
"If you're right, if they're right, then I need to atone, don't I? If I'm a sinner, I shouldn't keep sinning, should I? If I'm not that symbol now, I have to become that. I have to work even harder than I do now. I have to find resolutions for the things that cause war and death in the time I have. Poverty, famine, class disparity and justice for those who have been oppressed in the colonies long before my time, even: I have to work to resolve the issues that make people fight," she pauses and her expression turns thoughtful.
"But I have no position to do that here, especially not right now. So, it may be that I have to fight or others will die for my cowardice, like you said. I might have to fight... and I have no idea who that will make me. I know you said it doesn't mean I'll be going against my beliefs, but I can't shake the feeling that it will. I'm afraid of ending up like my brother months down the line. I really don't want to lose myself, Estinien, so I'm not sure what to do. I'm sorry, I know that's probably not a good answer."
no subject
"There are people that would agree with you, and I didn't always believe what I believe now. When I was younger, I was so angry that I did try to kill someone in revenge, but I didn't accomplish that and I learned that it wouldn't have satisfied anything. It would just perpetuate a cycle of revenge and death, in the end. That kind of action, it was childish and I don't want to go back there. I almost betrayed my father's memory that way."
She might as well be candid, at least.
She lets out the smallest of laughs, though it's humorless, and rests her chin on her hand.
"I work with that woman now, almost regularly. We're on the same side, both trying to maintain peace. Both trying to put out fires in two different worlds: I work in politics and she works to subdue terrorist factions trying to kick up old alliances. I've forgiven her and it was better for me. But..."
She rubs her eye with her other hand and looks over to Estinien, trying to put on a calmness. She has always been able to subdue herself when she catches her breath.
"If you're right, if they're right, then I need to atone, don't I? If I'm a sinner, I shouldn't keep sinning, should I? If I'm not that symbol now, I have to become that. I have to work even harder than I do now. I have to find resolutions for the things that cause war and death in the time I have. Poverty, famine, class disparity and justice for those who have been oppressed in the colonies long before my time, even: I have to work to resolve the issues that make people fight," she pauses and her expression turns thoughtful.
"But I have no position to do that here, especially not right now. So, it may be that I have to fight or others will die for my cowardice, like you said. I might have to fight... and I have no idea who that will make me. I know you said it doesn't mean I'll be going against my beliefs, but I can't shake the feeling that it will. I'm afraid of ending up like my brother months down the line. I really don't want to lose myself, Estinien, so I'm not sure what to do. I'm sorry, I know that's probably not a good answer."