Jesper doesn't point out that it's not how it works. They both know that. Kaz is more sensitive than he likes people to know, but Jesper does know. He's opened up his heart and allowed it to be vulnerable enough to stab at. Jesper knows all he has to do is kiss Kaz, like Inej did, and run away, but despite being unwell, he can't go that far. Not yet. Give him another few days and he might, feeding off his desires and the whispers.
The question fills him with shame, enough shame that he could choke on it, and he swallows, looking down.
"I'm not stronger than what's going on. I fought it the last time, but I couldn't ...."
Jesper struggled during the nightmares, he almost gave in. He was held back by Matt and shaken out of his near-miss with the gambling den. At the time he couldn't stop being afraid of the visions and wanted a distraction, but this wasn't the same. Being scared is something he can fight, being drained like this is a whole other situation. It is intentionally pushing on his buttons and he can feel it. His mind is muddled so it takes him a few seconds but then he pauses in their walk, lifting his head to look at Kaz.
"You don't know? About what's happening to us? You haven't felt it?"
Jesper sways on his feet but holds onto Kaz and then he steps away. Not to run, though, he knows better, but so he can look at him. Is he not influenced? Trust Kaz not to get hit with what everyone else does. He's too strong for that, not like Jesper, who is tragically weak beyond words.
"We told you about uhhh the memory sharing and then the nightmares." When he first showed up, but it's easy to hear that happened, and not know when the same thing was actively being experienced. "This is new, but it's worse. I don't know what it is but I'm ... I can't control it. I'm hearing voices, and I want, Kaz."
He sounds mentally unstable and he feels that way, like he's going to fall off the deep end at any moment. But it's an explanation at least, a truth that nevertheless is tearing him apart. Jesper hates it more because he knows that something is happening to him, but he still can't control it or stop it. He should be able to fight but he's given in instead, he's sunk into it. He looks strung out, tears in his eyes as he holds onto Kaz.
"I want so much. The cards, the rush, you, Saints I want you, you can't understand, it's in me."
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The question fills him with shame, enough shame that he could choke on it, and he swallows, looking down.
"I'm not stronger than what's going on. I fought it the last time, but I couldn't ...."
Jesper struggled during the nightmares, he almost gave in. He was held back by Matt and shaken out of his near-miss with the gambling den. At the time he couldn't stop being afraid of the visions and wanted a distraction, but this wasn't the same. Being scared is something he can fight, being drained like this is a whole other situation. It is intentionally pushing on his buttons and he can feel it. His mind is muddled so it takes him a few seconds but then he pauses in their walk, lifting his head to look at Kaz.
"You don't know? About what's happening to us? You haven't felt it?"
Jesper sways on his feet but holds onto Kaz and then he steps away. Not to run, though, he knows better, but so he can look at him. Is he not influenced? Trust Kaz not to get hit with what everyone else does. He's too strong for that, not like Jesper, who is tragically weak beyond words.
"We told you about uhhh the memory sharing and then the nightmares." When he first showed up, but it's easy to hear that happened, and not know when the same thing was actively being experienced. "This is new, but it's worse. I don't know what it is but I'm ... I can't control it. I'm hearing voices, and I want, Kaz."
He sounds mentally unstable and he feels that way, like he's going to fall off the deep end at any moment. But it's an explanation at least, a truth that nevertheless is tearing him apart. Jesper hates it more because he knows that something is happening to him, but he still can't control it or stop it. He should be able to fight but he's given in instead, he's sunk into it. He looks strung out, tears in his eyes as he holds onto Kaz.
"I want so much. The cards, the rush, you, Saints I want you, you can't understand, it's in me."