[ steve doesn't really know what to do with any of this, now that it's out in the open. he supposes that might be part of the problem, the problem nancy had years ago, the problem the kids all have, the problem he's been avoiding since that first night. that beyond dustin's rants every now and then, none of them really talk about this shit. they know what the others have seen, they've all lived through various different versions of the same nightmare, but putting it in words? letting it out? hasn't always been part of the program.
and, genuinely, steve thought that was for the better. keep it in, don't bring it up, and the rest of it will stay behind them. they can just keep moving, have a bad day here and there, and then it will be like nothing ever happened.
except that isn't at all what is happening. no matter if these circumstances are beyond different, no matter if he never could have even imagined whatever it is they've found themselves, he is literally standing in the midst of all that he thought he could leave behind. even with his eyes held closed, he can still smell it. can still hear the echoes of russian soldiers right on the other side of the door.
don't apologize to me, man eddie says, and steve feels himself laugh at that, no matter how it might still sound a little shaky. he knows he's apologizing for exploding, he knows that eddie didn't ask for any of this and didn't deserve the outburst either. hell, they're just now even kind of friends - but some part of steve can also recognize that this is all. ridiculous. and apologizing like he feels like he needs to kind of also sounds stupid.
it's eddie's hand on steve's shoulder that does it in the end - that settles him enough to pull his hands away from his face. that grounds him enough to take an actual breath. part of him doesn't really want to meet eddie's eyes, but steve finds himself looking up at him anyway. nodding, once. ]
Yeah. Okay. Shit. [ he rubs at his face one last time before nodding, looking fractionally more steady as he starts towards the elevator. ]
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and, genuinely, steve thought that was for the better. keep it in, don't bring it up, and the rest of it will stay behind them. they can just keep moving, have a bad day here and there, and then it will be like nothing ever happened.
except that isn't at all what is happening. no matter if these circumstances are beyond different, no matter if he never could have even imagined whatever it is they've found themselves, he is literally standing in the midst of all that he thought he could leave behind. even with his eyes held closed, he can still smell it. can still hear the echoes of russian soldiers right on the other side of the door.
don't apologize to me, man eddie says, and steve feels himself laugh at that, no matter how it might still sound a little shaky. he knows he's apologizing for exploding, he knows that eddie didn't ask for any of this and didn't deserve the outburst either. hell, they're just now even kind of friends - but some part of steve can also recognize that this is all. ridiculous. and apologizing like he feels like he needs to kind of also sounds stupid.
it's eddie's hand on steve's shoulder that does it in the end - that settles him enough to pull his hands away from his face. that grounds him enough to take an actual breath. part of him doesn't really want to meet eddie's eyes, but steve finds himself looking up at him anyway. nodding, once. ]
Yeah. Okay. Shit. [ he rubs at his face one last time before nodding, looking fractionally more steady as he starts towards the elevator. ]