Kaz hadn't thought about a time in his life when he would be physically intimate with someone. He hadn't for a very long time. Even when he had realized that two people had found their way in his heart, he hadn't even truly thought about finding himself clear of his phobias for that intimacy. Mostly because he hadn't thought there would be more than they had.
Then Inej had made that ultimatum. I will have you without armour, Kaz Brekker. Or I will not have you at all.
And it's those words that he has taken to heart in this place. A place where it's just the three of them and navigating this world and one another and putting it all together. Somehow. Someway. It is working.
And even having this talk, he knows in his heart that if he asked, he would have all Jesper could give. He'd try and try and try until he broke. There's little Jesper and Inej wouldn't do for him. He had always thought it was loyalty but now he knows it's more than that. It's so much more.
But then Jesper also puts out there something that Kaz has avoided. He's stayed away from the topic of the merchling as much as he's not broached Inej's ship and what both of those things meant. The pair leaving him. Given the world at their fingertips and all the money they've ever known, and they had left.
What would happen if that changed here and they had those chances once more, had those things?
"What happens when it is Wylan?" His voice sounds like gravel on asphalt to him. Hating the weakness in that sentence. "I arrived much after you and Inej had. What happens when he's next?"
His heart hurts asking it, and his gut is sour and twisted into a knot. It's the most teenage thing he thinks he's ever done, the worst thing he's offered, and he sees it as such an envious, green with jealousy ridden thing and he's certain Jesper is going to laugh, to mock him for even asking, and it takes so much in him to stand his ground in that moment, to stare Jesper in the eyes and not flinch even as his gut curdles.
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Then Inej had made that ultimatum. I will have you without armour, Kaz Brekker. Or I will not have you at all.
And it's those words that he has taken to heart in this place. A place where it's just the three of them and navigating this world and one another and putting it all together. Somehow. Someway. It is working.
And even having this talk, he knows in his heart that if he asked, he would have all Jesper could give. He'd try and try and try until he broke. There's little Jesper and Inej wouldn't do for him. He had always thought it was loyalty but now he knows it's more than that. It's so much more.
But then Jesper also puts out there something that Kaz has avoided. He's stayed away from the topic of the merchling as much as he's not broached Inej's ship and what both of those things meant. The pair leaving him. Given the world at their fingertips and all the money they've ever known, and they had left.
What would happen if that changed here and they had those chances once more, had those things?
"What happens when it is Wylan?" His voice sounds like gravel on asphalt to him. Hating the weakness in that sentence. "I arrived much after you and Inej had. What happens when he's next?"
His heart hurts asking it, and his gut is sour and twisted into a knot. It's the most teenage thing he thinks he's ever done, the worst thing he's offered, and he sees it as such an envious, green with jealousy ridden thing and he's certain Jesper is going to laugh, to mock him for even asking, and it takes so much in him to stand his ground in that moment, to stare Jesper in the eyes and not flinch even as his gut curdles.