abraxaslogs | open/closed ][ I should not be left to my own devices

Entry tags:

open/closed ][ I should not be left to my own devices

Who: Kaz Brekker & open
When: March
Where: Cadens & Horizon
What: catch all for post event stress, open posts in comments
Warnings: violence, bar fights, the damage of such fights, gambling, likely excessive drinking, talk of body horror, vicious mockery including taunting others about weight and looks

𝐈'𝐦 𝐚 𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐥

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"You'd have an easier time with the cane," he points out, as if he isn't bleeding and his face isn't already to turn lovely shades that are greyed out in the dark. At least for now.

Despite how much they've grown, he still tenses as Jesper moves in close, touches him in that way. And yet, even as he does, his hand shoots out and catches the other man's other wrist. Not to stop him but to keep him close, tugging slightly to pull him in more. He knows his first response is to run, to pull away and get away from that contact with the thoughts that he might infect Jesper, but he forces himself to hold his ground.

His jaw tightens at the touch, but he leans into it. Even if it causes a sharp twinge of pain.

"That's part of why I had to get out. They took me, Jesper," he hisses, sharing his anger with the other man, knowing he would understand. "I lost a fight and they took me and I can't stand that thought."

Jesper stays close to him as requested and they may as well be the only people in the world as far as he's concerned. It is very easy to get sucked into Kaz's space and lost to the rest of the universe.

"Darling, I know, but you have to take one of us. I can't sleep if I think you could be out here on your own." His tone is gentle and begging just a little bit, dropping his hand from Kaz's face to circle around Kaz's back. Holding him, leaning down to kiss the top of his head, against his hair. Jesper's struggling after losing so many of them, and even if they're all alive and back, it is still giving him nightmares.

"Please. For me, Kaz." Maybe neither of them could help him if something were to go wrong, it's clearly proven they're all more vulnerable than they thought, but it would give them satisfaction. Better than waking up to him gone.

Jesper decides to pull Kaz to him into a tight embrace, a hug like their first time, giving them both that physicality through clothes. He feasts on all these gestures he's allowed to take now, on how Kaz has allowed him to cover so much more ground since this began.

He's quiet for a long time. That deathly, murderous silence that often ended badly for others. Except those that know him would know the look on his face is different. It's hard and tight but its not closed off.

Jesper would know the difference. Especially in how his gloved hand comes to rest on the other's chest, careful about the blood on his knuckles but giving that contact and comfort as much as he's receiving it.

After what they've been through, he's still finding contact hard, and yet when Jesper pulls him into that hug, he doesn't hesitate. His arms go tightly around him, holding Jesper in close to him as he feels his eyes sting in ways they hadn't while he'd taken a beating. In ways they rarely did and his face scrunches up to try and stop the sensation and all that came with it.

"If I can't protect myself," he finally manages, his words tight and muffled. "How am I supposed to protect the two of you?"

He doesn't say the rest out loud. Something he had been struggling with since they had gone off to pursue their worlds, and found himself in the world he is here.

If he couldn't protect them, what did he have to offer them when he had nothing in this world?

Still adjusting to the concept that they just wanted him, because that makes no sense to him. Just as he was still trying to find his footing without revenge driving him every day.

Jesper holds him just as tightly, an arm looped around his waist, the other clasped around his back. He leans his head up against Kaz's, their hair giving space between the skin, and he rubs his hand along his back firmly. He can feel when something in Kaz tenses, reading his body language right that he is getting emotional and uncomfortable with it.

"We're supposed to all protect one another, love. I'm the one who failed." Jesper is supposed to be the protector, that absolutely is his job. To be the one people can count on at their back. The gunslinger, the second-in-command, the back up. Kaz was the leader and he made all the plans, he saw the big picture, but Jesper was supposed to be the support system. Just like tonight, when he followed Kaz and was waiting right there, in case.

So it was his responsibility to be there for them. And he failed. These two Barrel boys, always blaming themselves.

Jesper pulls back to look at him, his hands dropped down to his waist. "Let's go back to your room, darling. I'll help clean you up." They are fairly exposed out here, although he wouldn't really mind anyone coming after Kaz starting a fight. But he would rather get him to safety. Off the streets, away from anywhere someone could pluck Kaz out of his arms again. He may be a little more paranoid these days.

He keeps an arm possessively and protectively around Kaz's shoulder as they walk back. Jesper only feels better when they're back at the inn. "Go upstairs, I'll get some water." This is far from the first or last time they've gotten into fights so he knows what to do. Water, cleaning supplies, and bandages, especially for his knuckles.

There's a part of Kaz that absolutely doesn't want to argue. The leader of the Dregs, the mastermind of a gang that had spent a decade seeking revenge and managed heists that most might have called fairytales. That man that had cut and sliced at those around him to make them as deadly and prepared as he always was, that man wanted to agree with Jesper.

And the man that loved him wouldn't let himself say the words.

"We weren't counting on that sort of attack. Next time we'll know better."

That was the words of a strategist who was unwilling to let go of those he had, the ones that were both at his side, who had his back, and who he would protect.

He nods though when Jesper says they leave, the fight gone from him in that moment. It would likely rear its ugly head once more, and soon, but not right now with the man in his arms. Or, more importantly, whose arms he was in.

So he lets Jesper take him home, get him back to their rooms.

"Don't take long."

It's a comment but there's more to it than that. A need to have Jesper close just as the other needed him near.

So he goes up to his room, and by the time that Jesper gets there, he might well find the other already having stripped off his gloves, even his buttoned shirt removed due to the blood on it. The undershirt still shows stains from the fight but he is still on edge and nervous and removing that had seemed too far. Instead he examines his hands and how much damage there is.

Jesper can at least be glad he's being a good protector by getting Kaz safely off the streets and home, by caring for his wounds, that he may not be perfect but he's still trying. He gets supplies for patching up and comes in, setting it down so he can shrug out of his jacket and hang it on the door. Jesper hooks his vest to it too, he can do that by putting the seams of clothing together with his powers, so he's only in his shirt too. No undershirt in question.

It's in case of the blood and also because they're both with their masks down at the moment, as it should be. "Alright, love, sit down. Let's get a look. Whatever you don't need me to touch, you can do yourself."

Jesper is trying to still be ultimately respectful of Kaz's boundaries. After what he just went through, touching his skin could be a lot, so he wants Kaz to be comfortable. He can wash off some of the blood himself, there's water and disinfectant, bandages and cloths to wipe it off. Jesper sits next to him, within his space but not entirely in his space.

"Durasts ... can heal, you know. Good ones, at least. I know how, but I haven't done it. That's how my mother died." Jesper knows exactly how it happened now. It used to just be a detail he heard about. He didn't know how she would pull poison from a body into hers, but now he pulls things out of objects all the time. He knows in his heart he could do it if he had to, just like her.

"That is to say, sorry, I'm not going to be able to just fix your beautiful face tonight. But point me to where you're okay with me helping, and I will."

Kaz is silent, watching Jesper as he strips down. Taking in the way he handles himself, the way he moves, not flinching away from the nudity - such as it is - but not leaning into him either as he comes closer.

He stays quiet though, listening intently though. So when Jesper gets to that last part, Kaz moves suddenly. His hand, bloody and bruised, catches the other man's hand and gives it a tight squeeze.

"I would never ask you to. I never want you to do that for me." Not because there might not be times he might need to be healed, but because he needs Jesper to understand he wouldn't ask that of him. They had both lost a family member that had meant the world to them, and he wouldn't expect Jesper to take that chance for Kaz's sake. Even if he threw him into life and death circumstances often. Never in the same way as his mother's death though.

"Besides, it would be a waste of my last couple of hours to come out of it all healed."

Jesper squeezes back his hand, shaking his head. "Relax, love. Fixing your bruises wouldn't kill me. I'm just not trained in it, that's all." He isn't saying he is concerned about dying. It is a trigger for him considering his mother, but he also never plans on getting good at it.

But if Kaz was dying of poison and no one else could help? Jesper wouldn't even hesitate to try and pull it out of him. He wouldn't care that it could kill him just like her. Kaz is worth the risk, always. He doesn't have to say that, it probably could be assumed from his silence. He won't promise never to use it, only that he doesn't use it now.

"I know, sometimes the pain is the point." Jesper has those moments for certain. He is a little more of a wuss about pain than he knows Kaz is, but that is because Kaz is always in some kind of pain. He puts his hand palm up toward Kaz, a gentle suggestion that he put his hand there and leave it so Jesper can help with his knuckles. The washing off won't involve any skin touch.

"If you need to keep doing this every once and awhile to get it out of your system, I understand that, but just take me with you."

"You say that so often. Relax." He scoffs, rolling his eyes. "It's as if you don't know me at all, Jesper Fahey."

It's meant to be a jab, a light tease, anything to distract from the heaviness of the talk... and the knowledge that he had worried Jesper and he's not sure how to handle how that makes him feel.

There is no hesitation there, laying his hand against Jesper's. That is new to him, in and of itself, that he just reacts so easily to that closeness even if there's no contact.

"It's not just the pain," he finally says after a long pause. "They took me. Like... like I was nothing more than a child that wandered off from their mother." His lip curls as he says it, countenance darkening. "I ... I can't stand that thought."

He felt like a weak target and he can't get past that now that he has time to think.

"I know you intimately well, Kaz Brekker." Jesper smirks at him very suggestively because he can. He's teasing him back. "One day I will get you relaxed, you'll see." It may take a decade, but it's a goal worth striving for.

Jesper is glad they've gotten to a place where Kaz trusts him instinctively enough to just give him his hand. Considering a few months ago they couldn't even do that, they've come a long way. He's grateful for it. He is very gentle as he washes his knuckles off, although no amount of carefulness can stop the sting. It's not a sting compared to what Kaz had before though.

"Fighting idiots at a bar is not going to make you feel safer, my love." To try and soothe the harsh truth of that statement, Jesper kisses his knuckles after cleaning the blood off them. The thing is that Jesper doesn't have to point out how many supernatural people were taken. People with far more power than them, even Jesper, and they couldn't do anything. But he thinks if he'd been there, he would have felt he had a better chance with his Grisha abilities.

"So the answer is to learn some new tricks. Learn magic."

There's a shift in Kaz's expression that would be clear if he flushed, if he didn't turn his head to hide that hint of a blush on his cheeks. "Yes well, I suppose if I hadn't had to walk home I might have been more relaxed... in an intimate way," he admits, flirting back in his own, awkward way.

It's easier to tease and flirt than it is to focus on his hand, on the damage and the things they're talking about. About what had happened and the fights and all of it.

"It makes me feel in control," he points out, something he wouldn't have admitted to many but it's out before he even thinks about it. It's not a calculated admission to show that he's trying. He's just trust. "Right now, I need that."

He's had control over so much of his life, even at the worst of times, and here he doesn't have it. Not in the least. Not in any way shape or form.

That though gets his sharp gaze back on Jesper. He's had these thoughts as well. "Since you taught me to create fire," he says in that low, rough voice, soft though as close as they are to one another. "I never wanted to be Grisha and never regretted not having those skills. Now I want to learn. All of it."

He hasn't admitted this to anyone, not even to himself if he's honest. Not in so many words.

"That is always the problem with semi-public sex. Very exciting at the time. But then sticky." It obviously doesn't hold Jesper back. He considers their hook up one of his greatest triumphs. It's cute to see Kaz get flustered but he's also flirting back. They have come a long way and he can only see how it'll get better with time.

"Next time I'm going. Even if it's to stand at the back and watch." Jesper can follow him like now, but it would be better if he could be aware and Kaz knew he had someone at his back. He's not against watching Kaz beat the snot out of people. In fact, he found it very appealing. But he worries all the same. Any pain inflicted on Kaz feelings like pain for him too.

"I didn't want to be Grisha either." Jesper's shame over how he was born has long since faded away, and Kaz knows that is how he felt a while back. It is more of a headache. It was such a major (and exhausting) part of his every day life. Being Grisha in their world wasn't fun. Being it here? An entire other experience.

"But it will give you power, Kaz. And control. And the world should be scared of what Kaz Brekker could do with magic in his hands." Jesper is smiling though and he leans in to kiss him very gently. He knows he is allowed these small gestures of affection without asking now, but he doesn't linger.

He has a nice salve that he is using now to soothe the sting of Kaz's knuckles and help with healing, before reaching for the bandages.

"Perhaps then we need sometime when it's not public."

He's definitely blushing, but there's a fevered heat to his gaze when he looks back at Jesper that reveals how much he feels the need for those things. How much their changing relationship had made an impression on him.

Those changes means listening to those words and knowing how much it means to Jesper, and therefor has to mean to him. "Next time you go with," he says with a nod. "Though not sure I can let someone beat on you."

He imagines it will only enrage him more, and it might take him beyond the blows to something truly dangerous.

His gaze is intent on Jesper then, thinking about it.

"And now? How do you feel about it now knowing how much you can do for others?" How much he's done for Kaz, and all he put himself out recently for them. All of them.

The kiss distracts him from those words, but they don't steal away one thought that he murmurs as the kiss breaks, holding very still despite the sting on his wounds.

"The world should always be afraid of Kaz Brekker," he murmurs, truly meaning that and how he has felt for a very long time. Before this place and now here. "Just so long as you don't."

"You can seduce me anywhere and any time you want, Kaz."

Jesper is happy to do the seducing, as he has in most situations, but it would be fun for Kaz to be the one reaching out. Especially if he's blushing while doing it, because he thinks the flush in those cheeks is very pretty. He returns that heated gaze with a smirk.

"I can watch." This is what Kaz wants, to get it out of his system. That doesn't mean Jesper has to be in the fight with him, he can do it like he did tonight. In the back, making certain Kaz didn't go too far or no one would hurt him in a way impossible to heal. The truth is that beating on Jesper is much harder these days now that he's in control of his abilities.

Jesper thinks they probably need an ice pack for his bruised face, he could probably get rid of those himself if he was trained, but it's not worth trying untrained. "I feel good about it. I'm glad to not be afraid of myself." Afraid of people trying to use him, they both know that. He was afraid when the soldiers investigated him. But it's all exterior fear now.

"I've never feared you, Kaz." Even when he maybe wanted him to. He gently puts a hand on Kaz's chin but only to tip it up and either side, seeing if there is anything he can do for his face. He wipes at his split lip, as carefully as he can. "Only my feelings for you being rejected." And they would have been before now.

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