abraxaslogs | Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

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Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

WHO: Istredd and anyone!
WHAT: Catch-all for April
WHERE: Thorne, Horizon
WHEN: EARLY April for now, will put later prompts up as time goes on
WARNINGS: PTSD from the event, NSFW thread in comments

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Istredd laughs into his neck and nips at it. "I should not be feeding your ego any more than I already have." But he may as well have heaped a whole lot of food into it tonight and every moment since they got together. Too much adoration, it could make him sick. But yes, very beautiful.

"I get it, I'm not a nobody. I'm your unparalleled object of affection." Istredd rests his head against his shoulder, bringing Lucifer's hand up to kiss the knuckles. "Your beloved crying ape." He teases. He can't joke about placeholder anymore, Lucifer has ruined that as something playful, but that's fine. He has many other things to pull from their conversations to make it snarky.

I would say I have to get closer to Ambrose so I could get more access to things, even out here, but from what I can tell, being friendly with him won't please his sister at all. And she runs Hayle.

"It doesn't need to have been anythin' to do with religion." It isn't said as a correction, just an addition; Jayden didn't study cults as his specialty, but he does know at least a little about them. "Just whatever appeals to the people she recruited. Could be power, could be some sorta' specific goal she was working toward, could've just been offering a sense of belonging. That's how a lot of cults get people." Which is, of course, depressing. Normally he might feel some sympathy for people taken in by cults, but in this situation it's pretty hard to manage, considering just how many people are dead because of them.

But that's another thought he doesn't want to dwell on, so he quickly continues. "Is that somethin' we know for sure? That it only works because of a connection with the divine?" It's something that's possible, sure, but he's skeptical; other magic seems to work without gods, so he wonders if High Magic isn't just the same way, but religion credits it to the gods. There have been so many things attributed to gods throughout history--in his world, anyway--that later turned out to be natural phenomena, after all.

"My ego's always hungry. Cannot be sated."

Lucifer needs more, wants more, maybe will get sick anyway because Istredd's more than--Istredd's simply more. The angels before his Fall fawning over him and the demon fanatics worshiping the ground he walked on nearly to the point where it bothered him to be in their immediate presence. Distance. He always needed an invisible wall between them and him, but he still wanted it all.

He pulls lightly at the hairs at the back of Istredd's head.

"I don't think you get it yet." After all, Lucifer said as much. He didn't know what Istredd was, couldn't put it into words or even complete thoughts to share between their minds. 'Unparalleled' remained the only fitting word. "But I won't let you forget."

His stomach twists, unreadable, at mention of Ambrose. "Nicknames my brothers use, not for bed; Ambrose? Also not for bed."

"You'll be getting a steady diet of my adoration from now on, don't worry."

Istredd knows that ego isn't entirely correct anyway. In some ways Lucifer is, he has a sense of drama and grandiosity, but he's also displayed to Istredd himself that he's deeply insecure too. That is mostly why he sees no problem in giving him compliments and all the affection he can handle. He's hungry because a part of him is starving for it. As an insecure person who never learned how to fake it, he does understand.

He smiles and lifts his head from Lucifer's neck to press their foreheads together, comfortable and content. "My ego on the other hand could use a little massaging, from time to time." The most confident Istredd's ever been was just displayed between them. Apparently sex is one of his top five confidence areas.

He is surprised to hear their typical political talk stops at Ambrose in here, but he hmms thoughtfully, deciding to give in since they're curled up naked in bed and he doesn't care enough to argue. "I didn't know we were making some bed rules, but fine."

"Mmmm. How kind of you. But I thought we figured out your ego being inflated would do no one any favors," he jokes. "I suppose we'll have to find a happy medium."

Ambrose is a particular complicated problem that Lucifer files into the category of Won't Talk About and very much will just shrug it off like it was nothing if it ever does come up. So, y'know, still feeding into their troubles with talking, but hey. They've already made some progress, and far as he's concerned, Ambrose is from before.

Also he does think the guy is incompetent (Yennefer's opinion heavily feeds into that) and a replaceable figurehead.

No one needs that in bed.

"You technically started it," he sings. "We already have some though, both unspoken and otherwise." He counts them with a finger each against Istredd's temple. "You don't let me be cold, I don't tap you unconscious."

"Not inflated to your level, maybe, but a compliment here and there wouldn't kill me." Istredd ruffles his hair. "You could say you like my eyes and not mention burning them out of my skull." Semantics! He is joking though, this was a part of a sweet moment with them, since Istredd was making it clear he wanted everything Lucifer was.

Istredd on the other hand sees Ambrose as someone who he can probably get something out of, if he plays it right. He's always dealt with him by asking Strange and Yennefer to play as mediator, but they shouldn't have to do that forever. It's probably partly because a part of Istredd does default to Brotherhood mentality, and Ambrose as High Mage does give off Mage Council vibes. Some things are unlearned with time.

"Oh is that the trade off? I definitely don't want you to get cold then." He drapes himself even more on top of Lucifer with that, a leg over his to hook him in. "I am never going to get over how snuggly you are." It is a delight compared to how much time it took them to get to PDA. Then they're in bed like this and Lucifer is all over him. It's perfect.

"Oh, but you should know I could burn your eyes out of your skull," he says. "It was very, very important." He is mentally laughing, but it does turn honest. Your mind is striking. A human mind matching up to mine? Not shorting out and flatlining that first time we shared thoughts? He kisses Istredd's forehead. Should've been impossible.

See, he can do things as asked. Sometimes. When he feels like. On a whim.

It's like asking a cat to behave and then not being surprised when the cat acquiesces or knocks your favorite mug to the floor, drink and all.

Boa-constrictor snakes have special heat-sensing pits on their faces that allow them to detect the body heat of their prey. They are nocturnal hunters. They rely on heat-sensing abilities to hunt in the dark. He wraps comfortably around Istredd with all four of his limbs. And probably his wings. They're very much a not-here deal, ethereal links, there when needed, perceived next-to-never. They kill their prey by cutting off their blood supply.

Sorry Istredd did you expect a normal response to Lucifer's 'snuggly' self.

Very Funny.

At least he's not (currently) cutting off your blood supply.

"I stand by what I said. If I could, I would." Hook up with his angel self. Getting Lucifer to genuinely laugh is one of the best feelings. For someone so prone to humor and dry wit, it's not easy to get him to relax this way. One of the special things for them.

Istredd didn't entirely expect him to give a compliment, he wasn't expecting one, but he is pleased. He likes compliments to his intelligence, considering it is important to him. He's cultivated his mind on purpose and he mentally preens. Well you were actively trying not to kill me and a part of you subconsciously wanted me to succeed. That helps. Maybe taking a little shine off the nice words but continuing to highlight the ways he's different will work. I guess that means we both fell for our minds first. Even if in Lucifer's case it was more about an interest in his brain rather than a falling.

Istredd listens to him explain about the snakes, deeply amused and also intrigued by where this is all going. He knows now that snakes are close to Lucifer's heart and he chuckles as he is completely wrapped up in his embrace. His fingers make soothing circles on his back, tracing patterns.

Should I worry that you might strangle me to death and then devour my corpse? It would be very rude.

His eyes roll, hearing Istredd say out loud something that he shouldn't have needed to impress on the man in the first place.

But that theory is not one he's heard proposed before. He frowns. He's aware there were the Summoned from decades (centuries?) back. Information learnt from a cellmate he's not seen since leaving Thorne. That something about the previous summoning process made Ambrose afraid of mistakes drawn through the Singularity.

The question is, do the other nations realize this? They had not started until after Thorne began.

And he does not like how Istredd has phrased the possibility. He narrows his eyes, sharp distrust cutting through.

"Even were it not horseshit, that'd be nothing to accomplish. It's a corruption." He sits back. "And there is no such thing as gods. Whatever power has infiltrated this plane, they must have slipped through from other spheres during past summonings."

Like the monsters through the monoliths, like Voleth Meir. He is not surprised some believe such entities to be gods. That doesn't make it real. There's a fucking talking raptor-like monster wandering about the Free Cities, and he has not forgotten the four-armed ogre. Beings the natives have not ever encountered. Given enough time and rumors and stories, he can see how all of that would be conflated.

Edited 2023-05-03 15:09 (UTC)

"I'm using the term gods because it is common here and it is the easiest way of referring to them. Whatever these creatures are, it doesn't matter, what matters is what they're capable of. We've seen in action several of them now, they are not to be ignored. Thorne and Free Cities have been though, so I have contacts in Solvunn looking deeper into it. They have agreed to perhaps make us a pantheon of what is known there."

A pantheon of the gods as they know it. Perhaps it ends up not being important. But Istredd will consider all information as important. They witnessed the heralds themselves, they witnessed that the cult used a god's power to take control of them, do whatever that ascension was. The shrine monster might have been a god. He doesn't know, but he thinks they may have been sleeping on a rising concern. He is still focused on the Singularity, but it is probably connected.

"Thousands of years ago, a high mage of Thorne Summoned a group of people like what happened with us. It is on record there. Whatever happened, that man was then exiled to the place that is now Solvunn. He founded it." Istredd doesn't think it's a coincidence that Solvunn then turned out to be the center for this zealous religion. "We have people within our midst that have extraordinary abilities, far beyond you and me." He is thinking of Wanda in particular. "Give us a few hundred years here, and I can see the natives thinking of them as powerful entities, perhaps calling them gods."

He shrugs. He is saying exactly what Geralt is thinking. "This is a theory. It's a long time ago, I don't know if we'll ever get an answer, but it is on my mind. The heralds had access to the Singularity and Horizon too. If they were Summoned like us once, it would explain how they have the same connection." Istredd's thoughts are not predicated on finding proof right away. Or ever. Theories are just that.

"Assuming some of this may be true, I wondered if the heralds were trying to communicate with us, not harm us. And the experiences we've had in the Horizon seem to want to show us things. If we could find a way to talk to them, they might have answers about the Singularity and what this all means." But Istredd has no idea how. "Unfortunately the best chance of that is in Solvunn." They just don't have access to this information. He doesn't know how to summon or ask for a god's attention.

As usual when talking about theories, Istredd is animated, probably why he's being so talkative.

"I know," Geralt interrupts. "You forget I was in Thorne once. Ambrose claims we were imprisoned because of the former High Mage. Something he did."

Or something he failed to do. What difference does it make? He's not denying that the locals might believe magic as great as Wanda's is a sign from or of the gods. He does take issue with the idea that they can—should, even—according to Istredd, consider that they are all capable of "accomplishing" that amount of power. Nothing lies in that level of arrogance except destruction.

And he will not be a part of anyone who chases after that goal.

"You say the heralds could access the Horizon as though it's a fact." Mages are always so certain of what they know the least. "Their influence took root in the mind. The precise thing the Horizon requires to function." He pauses. "The Singularity's affected us long before you arrived. Connected our memories and dreams. Corrupted the Horizon. Trapped us inside it for weeks. This was not new with the heralds."

He's been here a long time. He's seen what can grow twisted in the Horizon from their own memories, emotions. From the bursts of power in the Singularity. All he's seen of the so-called gods is that they answer calls for blood and cast spells over the land. None of the spoilt fish, the feelings of despair—they were not especially peculiar. Plague maidens and wraiths can cause the same.

Edited 2023-05-03 16:16 (UTC)

He shakes his head. "It isn't a fact, it is a theory. Assume everything I'm saying is a theory, there are no proven facts as far as I know." Istredd isn't certain at all of what he knows. "I researched monoliths my entire life and found out everything I thought I knew about them was probably wrong or at least distorted. History was wrong. We still didn't know the full truth about them either. All knowledge is in flux."

It would be pretty stupid after that experience to think he knew anything for certain. Some people might have seen that as a waste of a life, and perhaps it was, but Istredd's only searching for the truth. He was fascinated instead, curious to follow the trail as far as it could go.

"I'm not saying these gods have all the answers, but they may have some. Humanity knows so little here, so much is lost to time. Two of the three factions ignored it altogether, their information is extremely limited. I don't trust the factions to be able to give us answers."

Which means he is looking for people who may know more than them. Or creatures, in that case, who do. Istredd doesn't think any of the humans here knows about the Singularity and as connected the multiple worlds so he feels he's hitting a brick wall. Maybe they have to go over their heads. He is always looking for angles.

"Nocwich could be helpful but they aren't likely to be." With good reason! They can't really trust the other areas much. They may be slightly more open to Summoned, but they can't trust them either at the end of the day.

Edited 2023-05-03 16:51 (UTC)

"It was July of 20,076, one month after the first Summoning. They threw many of the Summoned directly into the dungeons. We are in 20,078 now." So almost two years, more like twenty months or so, but it happened very quickly. There is a written history of many of these things in Thorne so of course Istredd immediately gravitated toward it.

"Most of the original Summoned fled. It was only a month later in August when two unknown people, Oliver and Elizabeth, interfered and froze the Thorne mages long enough for everyone to leave. There were a few people who stayed after that." He pauses, considering whether or not she'd actually like to be named here, but it actually isn't a secret that Yennefer has been here that long.

"Yennefer is the only one left from that time." It is why she has some power in Thorne and favor with the Queen. She stayed when so many people ran. Istredd knows why and that loyalty isn't part of the why. "But she was not thrown into the crater, she came right afterward. Probably one of the friendlier options to talk to would be Sam Wilson in Free Cities."

It's a worthy gain memorizing books. He lets the astonishment color his face briefly. Louis, with all his sharp memory skills still has the caveat of having his own life's memories fade over time. It's different, and he suspects and effect of the dark gift as if it's edging him closer to the monster within. It's the way he views it, and preserving parts of his old life is to rebel. Something about the Horizon has awaken a new reason to keep moving on when previously he'd been already purposely headed to his own demise back home.

"I'm starting to see the madness. I'm used to it." A little more than he'd like, but he says it fondly as if he once had that particular infliction to the worldview. Seeing other's perspectives, Istredd's in this case, is good for him.

"Belief and I have always had a complicated relationship. All I want to believe is that I can retain my humanity. I think I made the night follow me around the Horizon, which seems ridiculous to think. Maybe one day I'll allow myself to see the sun," he comments in a slightly low tone that borders dream-like. That he deserves it is another matter, but enough about too entangled sadness he's sure Istredd won't want to see. At least he thinks, who would want a sad vampire in their living room? He shakes his head and gives the tassels a little flicker before he walks over to the empty wall where there used to be a stairway leading up the stairs, of which he taps upon.

"Here. So belief. Just like that, huh? Is it Abraxan magic or something else that's allowing this? I find myself curious over it, I admit."

"A space soldier. That does sound exciting, exploring multiple spheres." For them, it wouldn't really be likely. It has to do with the Conjunction and that the other spheres they know about are violent and dark. It's possible there are good ones out there, but many were destroyed. They thought all of them were, at one point. He isn't likely to go outside of the ground though.

"We mages are soldiers of a kind. Not in the obvious sense, but we are raised to work for and obey the Brotherhood of Sorcerers, the magical organization." The as in there aren't any others. There are magical beings but many of them die or they do what they can independently. Some mages do leave and do their own things, like Yennefer did, but they are always expected to come back. Also like she did. It's one of those things that always was drilled into them.

"They send us to courts and other places to try and guide them." He says that wryly. It's manipulation, obviously, through and through. Espionage, in a way, although right out in the open as court mages are required. But they are sent to try and control the kingdoms. It's a power that the Brotherhood keeps tabs on.

"I usually can teleport across the continent, there is no real traveling to speak of. They control that here, we can't travel across factions. I understand why but it feels very limiting. And that's just speaking as someone who does have his feet always on the ground."

"It's fine."

It's fine in the same way the nightmares are fine, or the way food has gone back to being the background focus of every waking moment, or the way Garrus' plates are still brittle around the edges, or the way that... It's fine. It's fine, because it has to be. There's no other viable option, if she wants to go on. As Shepard had said; it took a lot to break her.

"I was due for a vacation, anyways," Which the Free Cities truly isn't far from. Most of what's hard is rudeness and lack of luxury; physically, this place is difficult in all the things it isn't, more than anything it is, "Spent the last few years yelling at people about the oncoming extinction event on their doorway, while they ignored Armageddon breathing down their necks... It's not what I'd choose, being stuck here, but there are worse things."

Like starving to death in a pit.

"So, what's like for you? There's not really such a thing as... magic, where I'm from. This much seem a lot more normal, from your end."

I didn't need you alive that badly, he argues. Yet. Istredd was right at the time: what affected Lucifer affected him, but he was hardly a Necessary Factor. Lucifer's effort in the equation was mild. Everything else was Just Istredd. And maybe pushing that is just Lucifer slathering that shine right back on. It was very much all you.

But maybe he did take an interest in that mind. Who's to say?

(Eventually, Lucifer will be able to recognize and understand it, but not right now.)

He thinks about devouring Istredd and grins deviously. It would be very nice, he argues, with enough surrounding the thought that he's simply being contradictory just because he can. He likes it, what can he say. Just as he's begrudgingly adopted snakes as a connection to him, he's well-accustomed to the phrase 'devil's advocate'. Maybe even likes that one.

It's rare that he likes the things humans slap to his identity. He'll accept the ones he can.

Edited 2023-05-05 07:27 (UTC)

The quirk of their counting still catches briefly like a hangnail, but it's such a small detail that it also passes the next breath from its catching. Two years and still each month, new Summon were pulled from across the omniverse spectrums, and still two years later, the Summoned were being kidnapped like lab experiments.

The facts get tucked away, more pieces to know, but there's a tip to her head at the second name. She's heard that one, too. Yennefer is on her list as another of the teachers to connect with, and this only adds to those reasons exponentially, as well. "But Yennefer isn't?"

You probably haven't come across many humans who can do what I can. As far as what Istredd has heard of his world, there are demons and angels and perhaps other creatures, but not mages in the sense he has. But I'll take any and all compliments about my mind, I like to think it is my best feature. A feature very few people get to experience on Lucifer's level. Intelligence is a shield of his too, logic and facts over all else.

He smiles at that grin, he finds it very charming. His favorite smiles are the genuine ones, but he likes Lucifer's mischief a great deal. He has so few of it himself, so he likes their dynamic. Only if it's the fun kind. He raises an eyebrow at that, amused.

"Sometimes I can't believe I managed to hide my feelings from you as long as I did. I'm pretty sure I was sloppy with our bond and you just didn't know the difference." Lucifer's not used to this. He must have assumed the feelings were normal for a close friendship, and it is true. The romantic aspect is only a slight shift.

Geralt will invariably harbour suspicion over those who want to dig where they should not. Disturbing what should lay undisturbed has been how the Continent's been fucked for centuries. And who are the ones left to clean it up?

Sure as shit not the humans.

A minute or so ticks by. His eyes are fixed on Istredd. It isn't that he doesn't want answers. He does. He's been seeking them since he arrived. But his reasons for that are considerably more personal, and that means the lengths he is willing to go to, what he's willing to risk—or isn't willing, as it were—are dictated by things outside of what he can learn.

"What is Abraxas to you? This sphere we're on—what do you want from it?"

"My sense is that they were not welcoming to anyone who wasn't a true believer in that cult. Josselyn wouldn't want to take risks. That's why Lorelai became a problem." The woman they knew by another name with her mushroom head, but she once was a normal native. She and Josselyn were friends, which probably explains to him why she didn't see the betrayal coming. "They were still doing the rituals even after half of us escaped."

In that mind, it means they meant it. They believed in whatever they thought the rituals would do. Istredd understands at least in part how this sort of thing works. The Brotherhood wouldn't be called a cult, it would be called an organization, but there are some mages who would never ask questions. Just follow orders. They were raised to be that way.

"We know that's what they claim it does. And I believe a few of our own now have used it successfully, but when combined with asking for divine help." So they do have experienced people within the Summoned who have learned. Wanda is a powerful magic user, she would have known better. "It's all very strange."

That question has never really been posed to him before. Istredd gets so caught up in theorizing and thinking and if he wanted to show Geralt the walls of conspiracy he and the others have made, it would be fairly ridiculous. It makes his wall that he showed Istredd look very sane in comparison. Much of it is useful, and now that people are adding parts of the Pit too, he hopes some day to make it all into sense.

For someone else, he might have another answer. He might have multiple answers, depending on who he's talking to. For Geralt, he's going to give more of a gut response, because the witcher tends to be very direct. None of this is a surprise anyway, it's simply how he is.

"I don't know if the Singularity is the center of magic or directly connected to all other spheres. I don't know if it's the doom or the hope for the future. Or nothing. I want to know. All I've ever done is search for truth and understanding. My interests haven't changed."

Istredd glances in the direction of where the Singularity is from here. He hasn't gone and visited it despite spending so much of his time in here recently. His mind is frazzled. Maybe he should.

"I suspect you might ask, to what end? What action would knowledge then take me to?" Whether or not Geralt would ask it, he's going to pose the question for them both, and his attention returns to the witcher. "I truly don't know. But that's why I'm glad I'm not alone anymore. It wouldn't be just my decision." He makes very bad decisions on his own! Istredd had intentionally been a solitary person for a long time outside of working with others, but he didn't have friends or true companionship. Not until here.

Edited 2023-05-06 02:29 (UTC)

Maybe the fun kind, he allows.

He considers Istredd's words, thinking about ever time there was a slip of affection, something just a little off and out of place, but that--that was just Istredd. Arguably that had been Situation Normal from the man, far as Lucifer was concerned. Nothing specifically for Lucifer, nothing that wasn't just Istredd as Istredd when it came to friendship.

It's really difficult wading your way through first-time friendships when both your best friends are telepaths.

"Yeaaaaah," he drawls, mildly miffed. But then if he had recognized any of the slip-ups for what they were he'd likely have just stared at them in confusion and just let them go again. Because really, what the hell else was he going to do with them? Pick them apart? Talk about them like normal people?

Ha!

"Thaaaat... sounds the most likely." He thinks about their bond reestablished and finally seeing Istredd in Nocwich. "... You know, in hindsight, you were awfully sloppy."

"We've never had a normal bond, that's part of it. How I felt has always been what you knew between us." The fact that Istredd had it bad for him was why they ended up here. Too close. Too intertwined with one another. He probably should feel bad about it since like he told Lucifer before, he didn't really know what he was signing up for.

I told you when we did it that it was just for communication and I'd avoid emotional bleed as much as possible. An appropriate bond would be more like.... Istredd pulls back and builds a wall of a kind between them. As he once described, they can feel the bond there, it would be easy to reach out to communicate or connect in an emergency, but none of his emotions are felt now. It's more like a polite handshake than the mental equivalent of what they're doing in bed now, on top of each other.

Showing it probably puts into view how much Istredd messed up what he was supposed to do. Lucifer warned him about his anger bleed and that was not what happened. He drops that block. Sorry. I really was the screw up this time. Istredd is a little sorry but not a lot.

Lucifer nearly swats at the block in irritation, which is far kinder than Istredd banging on his own wall the one time Lucifer forced something up between them in order to keep Istredd's raging mind from Lucifer. Of course this being an example means it's nothing at all like that night's had been, but it's still something off-putting. Something that shouldn't be there.

Maybe had it always been like this from the start it wouldn't bother him so much.

"Eh." Peas in a pod we are. Lucifer had all but snarled at him about being the screw up for the bond being the way it was. Screw ups bonded together.

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Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

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