abraxaslogs | Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

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Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

WHO: Istredd and anyone!
WHAT: Catch-all for April
WHERE: Thorne, Horizon
WHEN: EARLY April for now, will put later prompts up as time goes on
WARNINGS: PTSD from the event, NSFW thread in comments

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Being without it in the pit was one of the worst things. And that is saying a great deal considering they were starved, dehydrated, hunted by monsters, and experimented on. Not that I would have wanted you to experience any of that. Istredd probably would have put up a wall to protect him regardless. It's more about the ability to reach out and touch him.

His fingers trace patterns on Lucifer's back, tucking his nose into Lucifer's neck and staying there contently. Warm and close. Maybe he shouldn't talk about that when they're in a good mood, but it came into his mind.

I've never had a bond this deep. We are trained to be very careful. Most of them have the exact one he just displayed. They can communicate easily but that is mostly it, outside of an important distinction or emotion. He is saying it's deeper than the one he had with Yennefer, although that one was cut off pretty sharply.

To be fair Lucifer would have equally walled off during it all, for nearly just the same reason as to why he avoided the Horizon. Keep that distance, yes, only he'd want to keep his rage from saturating Istredd's mind.

But it would have been nice to feel that mental pulse that Istredd was still alive. Some bit of reassurance that may have helped him sleep better, anyway.

I bet if someone in your group had an un-boring mind like an archangel that would've been different, he argues. Istredd's curiosity getting the better of him and all that.

It would have made him feel less alone, maybe given him more will to live. Istredd did try to care, but he was tired. Yennefer did find him in the Horizon on the second week and got it into his mind to keep fighting when he was flagging. That is what he needed. But his bond with her is temporarily broken. All they had was those five minutes. He wanted Lucifer.

Impossible though, and probably not the best to keep lingering, although it's difficult not to do that when he still has troubled dreams and a scared mindset. Sleeping with Lucifer every night has done wonders but it hasn't fixed the problem. That will just take more time.

Mmm, doubtful. You're special. I love your personality too. Even when you're being a prick. That's what Istredd meant about falling in love with his mind first. It wasn't the last or only thing he fell in love with. Sometimes especially when you're being a prick. He smiles into Lucifer's skin and kisses his shoulder, biting it gently. He is generally attracted to not-so-nice people, it's true.

It explains why no matter how much Lucifer tried to push him into anger or leaving him, it wouldn't work. Istredd is drawn to the very things he thought would push him away. There were a lot of should I strangle him or kiss him moments.

He looks up at Istredd when he says, "I could do it because I had to."

He says it not to cut down Istredd's praise, but because it's the truth. It was carry that flame, or freeze stiff on the mountainside. It was maintain the fire, or have nothing to eat. It was a lifeline in other, less tangible ways too. It was something like hope, to replace the delusions of gods and his brother's ghost that the Acolytes had rotted his mind with. If he could keep that little fire going, then he would be okay.

"Maybe it was the same when I summoned fire too. I just remember it was dark. We couldn't see where we were going, so...I made it so we could see." His fingers keep busy as he thinks. Heaving a sigh, he looks back at the raven, which has hopped to the back of his chair. "I don't know how to do it again, though."

It's not like Lucifer sleeps much better. There's usually some part of him, physically or mentally or both, that is making contact with a pulse point. That if Istredd wakes up, he typically does too, that he might know Istredd's resting heart rate better than his own.

He might, eventually, work through that.

Maybe.

I would hope that does it for you considering I am a prick most of the time. If Istredd wasn't about that they were not going to last for very long, but then they've made it this long for being friends. Months? It really has been. So you did neither and instead just simmered on low heat.

You're only sometimes annoying. With me, at least. Lucifer's always been very tolerant of Istredd's eccentricities too. He pulled him out of the library a few times in the start, and out of the Horizon. Dragged him to Nocwich. Got him out into the world when they were still merely roommates, he didn't leave him behind. Other people are a different story.

Low heat until now. Istredd smiles and lifts his head, drawing Lucifer into a nice slow kiss. It isn't to start anything up though, it's the opposite. You need your beauty sleep. A tease.

"I love you." Now that he's allowed to say it, he's going to. "Go to bed."

Only sometimes? Well, I suppose that's from you simply being accustomed to me. Because really, Lucifer would've driven most people up the wall for his being exactly who he is, with no training wheels. He wasn't going to hide it. If he was going to share space with someone he wasn't going to sleep in masks, even he needed a break. Either Istredd was going to put up with it, or he was going to find a new room.

He stayed.

Well, they both did.

He does, briefly, quirk a smile in response. The small, rare ones. I really do. You wore me out. There you go, Istredd. A parting gift for your smugness. He settles in closer to the mattress, still close, and makes sure the blankets are around himself comfortably.

Don't forget about the glass in the morning.

"Yes, you had to, but think back, Wilhelm. Think back to when you first discovered your fire. Do you think you could have done that then, even if you had to?" Fight or flight is good inspiration but it doesn't mean people automatically get perfect at maintaining their powers. They step up or they don't.

"You should give yourself more credit for the work you've put in. I know it hasn't gone as quickly as you would like, but you are making progress. You proved that. You're only going to get better."

Confidence is very much key to the skilled use of magical abilities. Doubt and fear of it could make any spell go awry. Working on Wilhelm's confidence has been key to moving forward. It's as important as actually training him in the use of magic.

"The thing is, you do know how to do it again. That instinct is in you. What we have to figure out is how to trigger it without causing you any actual damage." By that he means mental damage because putting Wilhelm into positions of emergency can be done and controlled, but the boy has already gone through so much.

Jayden sighs and shifts on his feet a little, disagreeing, but at this point so much is still speculation and he doesn't have any desire to talk about the sort of specifics that are coming up now. Distant, academic assessment of the cult is something he can manage, but he doesn't want to think about the ritual or anything even slightly related to it.

So magic, even if this sort of magic creeps him out a bit, is a safer topic and he switches completely over to that. "Do they have to, I dunno, talk to a specific god or somethin' like that? Or is it more like the divine in general?"

"Friendly? No. She is very busy and focused so she prefers all conversations to be important or relevant. Not one for small talk. I've known her most of my life, that has always been the case."

It is common knowledge around here to those who pay attention that Istredd and Yennefer are from the same place. He doesn't hide it and the two can sometimes seem like a unit when they're in step with one another. He and Yennefer as youths used to talk about a great many things, but small talk or useless wondering was never their way. Istredd's not great at it either.

He hesitates and murmurs something under his breath. Anyone with some magical ability would be able to sense that there seems to be some kind of shield around them, something that is muting the outside. Muting them from hearing it, and from anyone hearing within. It's a common spell he uses when attempting to have private conversations with people within these walls. It's not 100% foolproof but he hasn't noticed anyone managing to get through it yet.

"We have to be careful about what we say around here, it is likely they are listening or you should suspect they are. Going to the Horizon is the safest option." So if she wanted to talk to Yennefer about anything more serious, that is likely the better approach. "Everything I've said to you is common knowledge so it wouldn't flag any attention." If they were listened to, Istredd's been polite enough not to express too deep of an opinion.

"It is very dangerous here, Sabine. I'm not sure if anyone's warned you. We're not ultimately that far from being tossed in the dungeons again."

"You haven't seen all the madness yet, believe me. Human madness, in what we experienced, but divine madness is something else entirely. There were these three heralds, I believe they are gods, who merrily destroyed many of us a few months ago. They got in our heads, into our domains. It was a difficult time."

Istredd doesn't want to scare Louis, they did just go through a harrowing experience together, but at the same time some of this truly does need to be known in order to survive this situation. He would say that for him the experience in the pit was worse. He can handle nightmares and gods messing with their heads. He barely batted an eyelash at the herald that got its hold on him. Lucier on the other hand was ravaged by the same herald. Everyone has their own weak spot.

"I hope we will not have to go through that any time soon, but I want you to be prepared. We are pushing back against more than zealots in the real world sometimes."

He doesn't know entirely how much Louis has been told about the past experiences here. The heralds were on the tail end of shared memories, shared nightmares, being hunted by a mysterious entity. He seems pretty calm about it, but that is because Istredd has gone through them.

"Honestly, I would take the heralds over what we did. I still don't know if they were trying to harm us or simply trying to connect." He's actually on the fence about that currently. Istredd wouldn't say he understands anything about these gods or heralds outside of the fact they very much exist here and apparently can be called upon with spells used properly. He thinks it might be best if they do the same, if their enemies seem to have no problem with it. But there is no High Magic where he is.

Istredd tries to shake himself out of those thoughts and focus on the now. Fearing the future it always going to be a problem. "I told you, when you're ready to see the sun, I can give you a ring. I made one for another vampire, two of them have used it now." So he knows it works. But Louis seemed hesitant rather than excited, so Istredd will give the offer and then let it go until he's asked about it again.

"It's the Singularity. That's where Abraxan magic comes from and what gives us this plane. Istredd makes a window in the wall up higher from Louis so he can see the Singularity specifically now, before disappearing it again. "They say that it may be the center of magic, connected to all universes. Theoretically."

To what end. Yeah. The inevitable question. But more than that, Geralt just wants to know what Istredd's agenda is. Beyond knowledge, which tells him nothing.

There's no indication Geralt is particularly satisfied with Istredd's response, though he doesn't appear to dismiss it, either. It's about what he expected. Noncommittal. An answer that isn't an answer.

But though Istredd may not know where he stands, Geralt does.

"This is my home," he replies. "I won't compromise it."

And that includes prodding at supposed gods and toying with powers beyond their understanding. He's found a place in Abraxas that he'd not had at home. Somewhere Ciri can stop running, where his path is not lined with rumours and fears of Witchers. He likes it here. It isn't perfect, but it's theirs. There is no going back. Not for him. Certainly not for Ciri. If protecting this place and the Singularity is what will keep Ciri safe, then that's what he'll do.

It's mostly that Istredd doesn't have an answer he can give him that he feels is fully satisfying. Not something concrete that someone like him would prefer. Geralt is grounded and realistic. Istredd was accused of having a romantic notion of the world once upon a time, and while it's not entirely true, it's not untrue either. He sees this new sphere as something bright and brilliant and fascinating. It's brought him to life again in many ways, given him new relationships, and what feels like a purpose of some kind for the first time.

There is a pause before Istredd sighs and rubs at his chin, thinking, before he finally looks back at Geralt after nodding to himself. There is a noticeable difference, like he's been holding himself back behind a quiet exterior like always, and some of that wall is coming down. "I'm not being entirely forthcoming," he admits. "I feel the same way. I don't want to leave here." Their sphere is cruel and unyielding. He has nothing but his books to go back to, and a mistake he can't take back. He's found community and love and importance here.

"I promised myself I'd find a way to keep those of us who want to be here. I have people I care for who ... can't go back." Either because they're dead or they have such a miserable existence back there that all it will do is cause them pain. How could he accept a world in which he wakes up and Lucifer's gone? Or Wanda? Or Yenna, when they've finally found peace here? Where there is happiness possible.

"I've kept it to myself because I really don't know how to do it. I'm coming up empty. I'm trying to learn all that I can, hoping that knowledge will lead us somewhere." Which is why he'd be thinking of doing desperate things like learning High Magic or poking at gods just at a chance of peeking behind a curtain to understanding. "We are compromised as long as we're living in ignorance."

Edited 2023-05-09 03:49 (UTC)

Wilhelm thinks back to when his fire first found him. He didn't know how to stretch or shrink the flame; it had its own will, fed by shifts in his mood. He didn't know how to transfer it from hand to hand, or hand to object, and it fell from his grasp when his focus wavered. He didn't even know how to extinguish it. Little by little, through trial and so many errors, he'd learned all those things, and maybe he hasn't refined them to a sharp point just yet, but...it's a start. It's progress.

He wants to keep going. His hands fall still, the knot of them tightening.

"I'm going to try." To get better. To seize that instinct. Earnestness cuts through his voice and steels his eyes. "I want to get in control, to get stronger. I'm sick of being weak."

As if pressing the weight of his feelings into Istredd, he leans forward in the chair a few degrees.

"Not just with my fire. Lucifer said you could teach me how to, like, defend my mind. He said it's your specialty. So...can you?"

Sabine doesn't look too taxed to be told the woman is straightforward. It's better to know what she's going into when that meeting takes place, and who better to tell her than someone who's known her their whole life? He's relating it as a warning, an inherent suggestion of another option, but it's not a reference against who Yen is. It's a careful line; in many ways, Sabine recognizes how she might speak of Jack at specific points.

Protective, understanding, honest, a little warning, but no insult.

She catches the murmur, though not the words, but the prickle across the more of her than contains itself in such a small space as she appears that catches it more. She doesn't look around her. Two decades spent living this life and form, she's chosen, and has no regrets in the constant choosing of, in the being returned to when waking up here, means she's good at this.

(She'll pick Jack every time; body or not.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't remember that.)

Her gaze narrows shrewdly, curious, sidestepping his well-worded warning for the first response. "Is that one of the things you teach your students?"

Edited 2023-05-09 20:26 (UTC)

Istredd's eyes widen at the extinction event mention, but there's understanding in his gaze. "I've been warning my people of something similar, although I have no way of knowing when it will be." It sounds like she is far more aware of what is coming. For him, it's knowing the monoliths are probably the future and the past, and now knowing that when they are opened up, monsters come out. Monsters that could crash through the continent, destroying everything.

"Thorne is very magic heavy so I fit in well there. I teach beginner's courses to new mages or Summoned who never had any." It is a niche group but it is fulfilling. Several of the Thorne Summoned are taught by him and seem to have the will and way to become stronger at it. "I thought I'd managed to escape living at a royal court though. That I could live without. Especially violent royals."

He is allowed to be honestly disapproving of the monarchy in here. In Thorne they have to be very careful with what they say. The Horizon is one of the few safe places. "It's a dangerous situation, Thorne. It always feels like we're one step away from being tossed in the dungeons like the first group of Summoned."

"I think if they want an exact result, they pick an exact god, but they can generally ask them all. Whoever may be listening. A contact of mine in Solvunn is willing to put together a pantheon of the gods for us."

This is important to him, because so far he has come up empty with the extent of Thorne knowledge. One of the things he hates the most is willful ignorance. It so often comes with arrogance, to think some knowledge is useless. As a scholar, he believes no knowledge is fully useless. Sometimes he feels like he's living with the Brotherhood all over again, trying to convince them of the same things.

"The only way they were able to take the illusions off of the island was by knowing what god they did the spell to. High Magic is more powerful than people thought."

All the power of the Thornean mages and they were blind to this until they were talked around to the truth. It required the Summoned to shake them until they had the people they needed to break down the illusions. Yennefer managed to do exactly that, he's certain she was even more frustrated than he is about it.

"I try to tell every new person to Thorne if I can. A few months ago we had a Thorne-only meeting in my Horizon domain to discuss our situation, but new people keep coming."

Unless he wants to throw one of those every single time, it's not possible to keep on top of it. And Istredd is too tired to do that on top of his public mingles. He has noticed other people try to help the new people, but she and John were the only ones this time, and they came when no one was available to guide them. It's not teaching so much as leveling with them.

"We're in a precarious situation because Thorne has been known to jail or experiment on Summoned in the past. And they started investigating people for displaying any behavior they didn't like after the Queen ordered the attack on the Free Cities. That was after Yenenfer was attacked and the Queen's lover died."

Istredd was not one of the investigated, but Lucifer and Wilhelm were questioned. Wilhelm did something that did warrant a conversation, not that he would have wanted Thorne to look closer into the boy.

"You'll get there. I know you will." Istredd sounds certain at least, and he hopes that certainty from one of his teachers will give Wilhelm some confidence too. "Magic shouldn't be easy. It's powerful, it's dangerous. You take that seriously, it makes a difference." Not everyone does. All his students do, but he has seen the arrogance of mages who are so happy with the power they don't care about the damage. He would never train someone showing that type of indifference.

The next part takes him slightly by surprise as Wilhelm hasn't asked him for a new type of magic yet and he nods.

"Yes, I'm a psionic mage. Mind magic." Istredd doesn't think to say so up front much of the time. Even Lucifer learned it as a sort of waved-off detail before he realized how serious that was to his friend. He was trained in all of it, so specialties rarely come up. Yennefer leans into her elemental magic when training others.

"I know how to do it with Academic Magic, it's different than mine." So he wanted to understand how they used it here. His mental wards are completely different from that, but he's taught their version before. "I can show you easily. It will probably make the rest of magic easier for you. Mental fortitude is a valuable part of all magic."

"Sounds like a good idea. Gettin' a list of the pantheon, I mean." The more knowledge the better, even if he doesn't want anything to do with this sort of magic. Morbid curiosity wants to ask which god it was that the spells on the island had been devoted to, just to know the name behind so much of what happened, but he finds himself not really motivated to find out. It won't help.

"I don't think there's much of anythin' about High Magic in the Free Cities. Least not that I've seen." He hasn't looked much into magic yet, especially since he'd only been in this world a short time before ending up in the pit, but he'd at least heard about New Magic and Academic Magic in that time.

"Yes, if we knew more about them before all of this, they might have been able to counter the spells sooner. Lesson learned. Hopefully not only by us." He's skeptical though. Thorne clearly likes to live in its snobbery and ignorance. Istredd is very tired of it which is part of why he's been spending so much time in here instead. He needs a Thorne break and he can't since they were brought back to the castle. This is the only option.

"I'd be surprised if they have it there, from what I've heard of the Free Cities it's very grounded in technology rather than magic." Istredd shakes his head, sighing as he sits on top of a desk.

"I can't really understand it, the Brotherhood of Sorcerers want their mages to learn all available types. There are some forbidden kinds, usually demonology or necromancy, but that comes from bad experience. As far as I can tell Free Cities and Thorne just undervalues Solvunn's magic, and yet they outwitted everyone."

Sabine had meant the spell, but she supposed she hadn't been all that clear in the reference. By the time he's headed into his answer, she's too polite to correct the misunderstanding and problematically just as interested in everything else he has to say, too. The scourge of the need to know so much more from the so little she had to start with.

"Where exactly are people's real loyalties here, then?"

Even stating it so simply, she doesn't expect that the question has any easy answer and that some part of it boils down to survival by whatever means. Which would give her cause to question most of the conversations she's had on these grounds so far and what was happening under everything that was being seen.

"I don't know. I can't speak for everyone. I would say I think our loyalties lean toward the rest of the Summoned, because none of us can trust our factions, and as a group, we're the only people who can understand this experience."

No natives could know what being kidnapped from the universe they belong to is like. Brought here, forced into a system they didn't ask for, connected to the Singularity and magic they didn't expect. Some react to it well. Some people prefer it. But everyone is trying to survive, as she might expect.

"I consider myself loyal to the Summoned and also to the Singularity. I think it is possible it is the key to the future of all spheres, bad or good, and I have been trying to study it since coming here."

To no avail yet. Whatever connection Rhy has eludes him and it's too bad because he wishes he could get that. Perhaps he simply isn't the right candidate, and he will live with that.

"I think it would be foolish to be loyal to any of our factions. They have captured us. We have no way of knowing what their true intentions are."

One eyebrow lifts. It's not quite that Geralt wasn't expecting to hear it, but it was not something he predicted, either. Maybe the most accurate way to say it is that he hadn't actually given any thought to how Istredd might feel about this place. In a sense, it tracks. Yennefer is here—he assumes that is who Istredd is referring to—and from what he knows, the man has little connection to the Brotherhood's political goals.

Thorne no doubt encourages his study of the monoliths. Much like Nilfgaard. The similarities have always been there.

"A balance is still needed," he replies simply. Some knowledge is not meant to be learned. Doesn't need to be. But he has no desire to interfere in what Istredd chooses to do or meddle in. Geralt's wishes have been the same from the start: he'll protect his family, whatever that means. As long as Istredd's aims do not interfere with that, they can coexist fine. And it is true they cannot do without any answers at all.

He just understands how easy it is to open doors you cannot close. And that you are lucky, usually, if you are the only one who pays the price. Often, it's those around you.

He rises to his feet. He's said what he came to say, and Istredd is in one piece. "Try not run into any more daggers."

Edited 2023-05-12 21:51 (UTC)

"Maybe they did have a bad experience." Considering what had just happened, it doesn't seem all that unlikely that something terrible could've happened in the past that caused Thorne and the Free Cities to decide High Magic shouldn't be taught, like demonology or necromancy seem considered in Istredd's world. But more likely--

"Or it just didn't work for their agendas. If the leadership wants to be seen as some sort of true authority, they can't really be seen appealin' to an outside power for their magic." The psychology of this is easy enough to understand, and that's almost reassuring in a sense.

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Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

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