abraxaslogs | Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

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Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

WHO: Istredd and anyone!
WHAT: Catch-all for April
WHERE: Thorne, Horizon
WHEN: EARLY April for now, will put later prompts up as time goes on
WARNINGS: PTSD from the event, NSFW thread in comments

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Yennefer is a part of it, as she will always be a part of everything he does. Istredd had no loyalty to their sphere or anyone in it, outside of her, and sometimes his concerns for the elves. But he hardly made a real dent for them in helping, so this place is much more inclined to let him make headway. He can get somewhere here, probably. A purpose exists.

"I understand." What Geralt means by balance. Istredd did learn from his mistake with the elves and Cirilla. There are some actions that cannot be taken back, and it's unfortunate it's a lesson he had to learn twice. He has people who will pull him back if he goes too far into his impulsive recklessness. He promised Lucifer to be more careful.

He knows Geralt isn't one for small talk and truthfully neither is he. They have communicated and it feels like there may be a legitimate peace of some kind now. Perhaps he will apologize to Ciri when he sees her, Geralt's words will stay with him.

"I'll update you if I do find anything of worth."

"Why the Singularity?"

As the roads continued to diverge in the woods. She hadn't expected that to be in there, given that so few people seemed to know and the varied ways those opinions moved because of it. That's a whole extra level of something she needs to figure out if the people who brought them here are in the wrong, but somehow the thing (entity?) that managed it, and connected them all, was good above and beyond them and their first wave adverse means.

"What's happened here with it that you'd feel so certain about it?"

It's the first reference, not related to crazy zealotry, that's made her cool her heels on one of her many on the burner backlog to-do's: find out what it was and why it wanted Jack, why it had removed him from the timeline and the planet previous to what he still had yet to accomplish there.

One of them holding the sway of one whole world's unslaved existence,
and it wasn't the one with opulent fantasy castle towers.

"I think you're exactly right. They also seem more concerned with mortal concerns." The actual life of the people who exist in this sphere. In some circles that would seem almost petty, when there are bigger things at stake, but he does understand it. People can only control so much.

"What is confusing to me about the Free Cities is why they want to destroy the Singularity. Ignoring the gods is one thing, but even their New Magic runs on magic of some kind. It seems like such a drastic point of view." That's not ignoring gods, that is wanting to disrupt the power within this sphere. Istredd thinks Thorne's ignorance about the gods is annoying, but it's nothing compared to the danger of the Free Cities' threat toward the Singularity.

"Theoretically, it is the center of magic in this sphere. Even more theoretically, it is the source of magic to all spheres. If there is even a small percentage of possibility that is true, it must be taken seriously." In his opinion! Istredd doesn't know if it is, but he is going to work with the assumption it can be, because to do otherwise would risk too much. He's not going to play with the potential magical lives of every soul.

"The knowledge about it here is minimal because they die if they go near it. They couldn't study it in person. That's why we're here." Thorne at least has made it clear that is why they started this. The Summoned having a connection to the Singularity made it an open possibility for the first time.

"It is a real entity though. I don't know how to explain it, it's a feeling." At least he can't say more without admitting that he's been there physically, which is still a secret. "Not a living creature as we are, but not a dead object either." He does think most people can sense that by visiting it in the Horizon, but there is still a great deal unknown about it.

It's clear from his expression that he's never considered it from that angle. You take that seriously, it makes a difference. All this time, Wilhelm has thought of the anxiety he's got embedded deep in his magic as only an obstacle to his mastery of it. But just as fire can destroy when it swells out of control, or sustain life when it's contained, his fear might be shrunk into something useful: prudence.

"Then I want to learn it." He stands up, as if ready to go through whatever door Istredd opens.

Nor had he ever considered — until he spoke with Lucifer — studying magic beyond what the Singularity already dumped on his head. A part of him still wonders if he can learn it at all, but little by little, conviction is replacing those doubts.

"Is that what they want?" The Free Cities. The idea of trying to destroy the Singularity sounds slightly ridiculous, because removing magic entirely is just... So drastic. Like destroying an entire field of science, or even like removing an entire law of physics or something. Magic seems to integral to this world, and not only thinking it could be destroyed, but that doing so is a good idea, seems short-sighted at best.

"I guess maybe that's why they're so focused on technological advances. If they can get ahead a' the other factions, then eliminate magic, they'd have a huge advantage." And although it's true that New Magic is popular there, the actual technological advances independent of magic are also an important focus, so it feels like that might fit as far as motivation goes.

Istredd is never careless with his magic. It's the opposite, he is extremely careful and precise. He doesn't do any spell without being certain he has it under control. That came from his intensive training where it was clear if they got even the slightest thing wrong, a master mage could die. He would rather someone be skittish about their magic than arrogant and reckless.

He shakes his head and gestures for Wilhelm to sit back down. "We don't need to go into another room for mental magic. It's in the mind." No matter where they are it is the same amount of focus. They make the new room for fire so Wilhelm doesn't have to worry about burning it down.

Instead Istredd moves his chair so it is more directly near Wilhelm, they probably need to get more physically close, that's the difference. "I need you to trust me, because I need to go in and see where your gaps are before making an assessment. You have to allow me access." Technically he could just slam his way in, Wilhelm has no defenses, but he wouldn't do that.

"That's what we've heard. And yes, I think you are exactly right again." Jayden speaks common sense! "If they can create technology and build their society without using magic, destroying or cutting off magic would put them at the top of the food chain." It's logical.

"But I still think that is such a huge and unreasonable risk to take. The Singularity has been around since the start of this sphere, by all accounts. Destroying it may be impossible, but beyond that, if there is even a small chance it could backfire and destroy the continent, it seems foolish to try." Reckless and foolish. Possibly beyond arrogant. Isterdd is careful though, he is definitely the person to overthink.

Normally, Jayden loves to hear that he's right, and he prides himself on being right more often than not. But in addition to his generally muted emotional response at the moment it's hard to enjoy being correct about things when those things are so stupid.

"Between this, what I've heard about Thorne, and Solvunn's council missin' that one of their members started a cult, I'm startin' to think the leaders of the factions are kinda..." What's a nice word? Or at least an accurate one? "Bad at their jobs."

Nailed it. But at least he didn't say his first thought, which was fucking idiots, so there's that.

Sabine is skeptical of going as far as the center point of all universes, but she can feel a lot coming from this planet, from the more than that is suffused through it. This Singularity. There's something about it that has been tugging at her. She does need to understand what is happening here. She doesn't clarify that he's right about his supposition of its existence and that she has no doubt in that part of it.

But then she isn't a living creature 'as we are' either,
not even if she knows she appears to be that completely.

Standing in plain sight.

"Where would one find out more about it, then?"

At Istredd's direction, he sinks into his seat again. As if warming up to exercise, he rolls his shoulders, pulls in a breath, and blows it out. His expression becomes guarded as Istredd goes on, ending in an appeal for access to his mind.

"Will you...be able to see my thoughts and memories?" Worry hangs on his words, pinches his eyebrows together.

Almost a year away from home, from the life he left behind, but Wilhelm hasn't forgotten what it's like to have your most private moments pulled away from you and plastered all over a public forum for scrutiny. Of course, now, on the threshold of opening his mind to Istredd, he can't help but think of all of the last things he wants anybody to know about him. Secrets and embarrassments and things too soft to share.

Istredd laughs, a rare occurrence, but Jayden's startled him into it. "I've been using dangerously incompetent and arrogant to describe them, but bad at their jobs is also true." He has a low opinion of Thorne and Ambrose, not that the mage would know as Istredd is unfailingly polite to him. Even helpful. He has to be.

"It may be that the Free Cities are only saying they want to destroy it because Thorne wants to use it, so it could be a lot of talk. We don't really know." Istredd has been on the outskirts of warring nations before and it seems reasonable that one would just keep doing the opposite of their enemy out of spite. It's not worth the risk though.

"War seems inevitable, it just probably won't be over the Singularity."

Istredd would probably agree he doesn't think it's the center of all universes. He wouldn't be surprised if it's connected to them though, in some way. If it's capable of sending the Summoned back, it must be able to do something that knocks them into their universe. It's all speculation. Istredd would just prefer to assume the Singularity is important enough to protect.

"I can share my research with you. It isn't much but it is the best we have right now." That includes everything he's read in the history or been told here written down. Istredd didn't write down his experience going to the Singularity though because that is ultimately still a secret. Not that he would note all that much different, only Rhy could truly tell details. The rest of them were suffering at the time.

"I spend time at the Singularity regularly in the Horizon too. I haven't noticed any awareness myself, but there are people it responds to differently." Rhy and that other woman that Jack outed, who he met once and she seemed very confident about her opinion of the Singularity.

Two birds with one stone, maybe. Magic lessons and someone to find out more about this Singularity with. It's different, but it's definitely there. She can help but continue to feel it as a large part of the background. Nebulous and omnipresent, unshaped and sensible as of yet. Which is why she needs to know so much more.

"Is it the same? Visiting it in the Horizon and visiting it in person?" She understands a little of the blocks about not being able to leave this place for much more than very official reasons, even to the closest towns. People had been desperate to see all the could of the city where the last celebration had been because they'd never been to it before.

"How do you mean? How does it respond to certain people differently?"

"No, I'll keep a shield so you don't bleed into my mind." It would be enormously easy for him to see all of that, especially given Wilhelm probably will struggle as most people do at first. It's common that they end up thinking about exactly the things they don't want to share, an automatic response of a kind.

Istredd's mental shields are against attack but some of them are definitely about keeping himself from reading people unintentionally. If they're being very loud, it can be difficult. It's even exhausting to keep them out. A lesser person might use that on purpose and dance over boundaries, but he generally prefers to keep out of people's heads. With only one real exception.

"Wilhelm, you can't learn mental defenses if you can't open your mind."

The laughter startles Jayden in turn, but only for a moment, and he relaxes a bit once more at Istredd's next comment. 'Dangerously incompetent and arrogant' is a very elegant way to ride the line of professional and scathing all at once.

He nods in thought at the next part, still tapping his fingers against his side, but less in agitation now and more just as an idle motion while he processes. "Could be. They'd probably be perfectly happy to use it if Thorne weren't around."

No need to get rid of a resource if it's not at risk of being used against them, after all. But the last part of what Istredd says is a bit of a pivot, and he has to ask--

"If not the Singularity, what's the excuse? Territory?" That's the common thing nations go to war over, after all, even if they usually come up with some sort of more politically correct reason. But then again this is an entirely different world, so maybe Thorne or the Free Cities would be shameless about it.

"You're right. Human madness was enough for me." Louis ought to feel fear at the possibility of divine madness and gods having their ways. The confirmation alone that they existed just made Louis angry and sorrowful, but it's to be expected. A dark part of his mind almost wants them to come to Louis, for them to eat up everything that left him hollow and have them rue it for the pain caused over his decades. He's careful in his tone when he speaks, only absorbing and understanding he has much to learn. It's out of his control.

"The division of Summoned is enough to let me know where we stand. Thank you for telling me." He considers the mention of the sun just as he sees the Singularity. There's an eeriness to it as if the sky could be sucked in at any moment. It's giving him a reactiveness, since all he can think is about is Paul. It's as if it's egging him, and there's a shuffle from the bookcase in the back where a book with empty pages pulls out and thumps on the floor, opening up and writing in bible verses.

The very scriptures that Paul would mutter everyday. His response is to burn it, and the pages burn up. Louis, unaware of just how much control he can have in the Horizon, ceases the pages until all that's left are faded words, one of which is prominent.

Sinner.

Louis stills, unsure of what that was as he steps back with an apologetic gaze.

"I only glimpsed at the Singularity when I first visited here. It's not until now that I truly saw. It's rather exposing. Human madness is all I've known. You're telling me gods exists here. My brother said he heard the angels talking to him. Our god. He suffered from mental illness. I saw my last sunrise with him and then I saw him jump off the roof of our mama's home."

Never mind that he thinks his dark gift is a curse in itself, but maybe he'll have to adapt his mentality to what's being offered. It'll take time. He does not mean to unload upon Istredd, but he's more rattled than he lets on. It's the pit unlocking more than he'd intended. He picks up the tattered book, and with a single thought it restores to its blank pages. It dawns on him then it was his doing.

"We had to get you all out. There was no other option."

Her answer is said out loud on purpose, wanting him to know that certainty that she holds to their actions—to her actions. Many have chastised her, in one way or the other, about the kind of magic that she has tapped into, the dangers of a pact with some unknown god, but Wanda would like to think she's got better control of herself right now.

After all, does she not have to complete her penance, after all? What more can she do if not make the most of her magic, to use it to protect and save lives, rather than the opposite.

She turns her attention to the wall that he's drawing information from, letting her hand rest against his without any kind of resistance. She remember this wall, understands why Istredd wants to look at it, but she hates every square inch. It reminds her of how horrible things were.

Her gaze turns to him.

You seem alright despite what happened.

"People cannot ordinarily visit it in person. The Summoned are thrown into the Horizon the moment they get into the crater, so they can't physically get to it. The only time it is possible is during the Dimming in December when the Singularity's power appears to dim temporarily."

Istredd knows that for a fact being someone who did tat only a few months ago. He can't add that it may be dimmed but still extraordinarily powerful, considering it hurt the magic users deeply when they visited. However, he is not the only one or the only group that managed to get there.

"The first December after the Summoned came here, the three factions used them to try and steal caskets of energy from one another. During the winter solstice, it is possible to approach the Singularity, but it is a long journey and would need permission."

Thorne barely lets them go to Nott. It requires influence to get permission. She's new so she doesn't quite know yet how this all works, but she'll learn. Istredd doesn't want to lead her astray to thinking something is possible when it isn't. And the Singularity is dangerous. As for the last part, well.

"There are some people who the Singularity appears to favor or made a bond with. I don't know how many, but there are at least two. Jack Townsend unfortunately outed them not that long ago, so I suppose Rhy would not be surprised if people knew about his connection." Rhy being someone right here in the castle who she could talk to if she wanted. Otherwise he probably would have been hesitant to say anything. Jack sort of buried the lede on that one.

"The Singularity will always be a part of it because it is power. And they crave that power. Over a year ago, a conflict arose between the three factions. During December, the Singularity's power dips and we can walk right up to it. Thorne wanted to use that time to try and feed energy to it, and the Free Cities and Solvunn intervened to steal that energy for themselves. It was the only time I've heard that the Summoned were pushed into direct conflict with one another."

That isn't to say it never happens. Istredd knows for a fact that the Summoned fight, they have their own reasons, and their own histories. But this was them doing something for their faction. He doesn't know what all the motivations were at the time, but it hasn't happened since then as far as he knows. It was still early on so they hadn't made the connections they have now.

"My guess is Thorne wants all its land back, and Free Cities wants Thorne to be destroyed. Solvunn says it is neutral and in a way it probably is, but it also is likely watching the other two destroy each other and waiting." By that he means that he thinks Solvunn's simply playing it smart. Not that they're actually distant from the situation in the least.

"There would be reasons for Nocwich and Solvunn not to want either of them to get the upper hand either. The question is what they're going to make the Summoned do."

"There is not much we can do about it, these powers are greater than ours, but there may yet be reasons and understanding we can find." Istredd will never stop trying to understand the world around him. His mind thirsts for answers and that can't end. It's who he is, at his very core, always questioning, always looking for the truth. He doesn't fear the gods because he sees them as a step closer to answers about how the Singularity works, how the sphere works.

Istredd is startled by the sudden appearance of the book and glances over at it. He assumes Louis is doing it but it takes him a moment to realize it's unconscious. He isn't surprised though. Louis has psychic abilities and he is in a space that is instinctively reacting to his mind and heart. It is going to react to him quickly.

The sinner is confusing. He considers as he listens to Louis explain what happened with his brother. And how that connects to his complicated feelings about the sun. He feels only sympathy about it.

"There are different gods in every sphere. Or god-like figures. There are angels here, although I doubt they are the same from your holy books." Lucifer likely is because of course he would be. He can never really escape his story. Perhaps that is why he found love with someone so separated from all of that knowledge.

"I have no family so I don't truly know what it is like to lose them. I am sorry about your brother." Istredd sometimes wonders what it would be like. He's making a family of a kind within the Summoned, but it's not the same thing. He was raised with other mages, but they were never siblings. They were always pawns and tools and colleagues.

Istredd steps over to him when he picks up the book. "The past is impossible to undo but you had every opportunity to give up in the Pit and you chose not to. You wanted to live." He puts a gentle hand on Louis' shoulder. "So live." In the sunlight, in Solvunn.

Relief trickles in to thaw his posture as Istredd reassures him that this won't be the equivalent of cracking his mind open and laying all its contents out.

"I know, I know," he says, waving Istredd's lecture off with a dismissive gesture. A teenage reflex he regrets, folding his hands together again. He gathers himself with a sigh.

"I trust you, Istredd."

Especially now, after everything they'd endured in their underground prison. Istredd had kept him alive. Even when insanity twisted him into something else, and all his instincts into self-sabotage, he had refused to wash his hands of him. If you can't trust someone like that, who can you trust?

"I'm honored by your trust. I promise to be worthy of it. Now look into my eyes." It's not necessary for him, but it is the first step when training in the Brotherhood. And it may make Wilhelm feel connected to him while he does it. Istredd's vivid blue eyes are at least something nice to look at.

His touch is so gentle Wilhelm probably would not feel it at all if he wasn't aware Istredd was doing something. Despite that, it feels only slightly strange, like the feeling of when a feather touches your skin, but it's on his mind. Istredd searches through but it's as he suspects, Wilhelm really doesn't have any defenses. In some ways starting from scratch will make it easier though.

"Alright. With Academic Magic, you can cast the spell, but having it hold up is the hard part. Here." Istredd writes down the basic mental ward spell and offers it to him. If Wilhelm's done enough of it at this point he may be able to get it. "You'll know the difference when it works, you'll feel like your head is slightly heavier."

Obeying Istredd's instructions, he focuses on those electric blue eyes and tries to relax. How does that saying go, about eyes being the windows to the soul? Now it's sort of like a door to his mind. Wilhelm feels something, like a tickle in his brain, a presence at the edge of his thoughts. He keeps measuring his breaths, in and out, until he feels that something leave, and then he sags into a sigh.

He studies the slip of paper Istredd hands him. Although his magic — that bestowed on him by the Singularity — requires no incantation, he has some experience with it. He'd needed to recite a few words to activate the shield that protected him, Lucifer, and the Maresh brothers when they combatted the fires consuming Nott.

"I just need to say it, right?"

So he does, with all the conviction he feels, and he waits for something to happen.

Edited 2023-05-29 18:09 (UTC)

"We all did what we had to do. I would definitely be dead if you hadn't. I had an infected wound, despite how hard Steve tried to clean it."

Istredd had passed out a few times and it's a serious miracle he survived the near-drowning to get onto the turtle. He tried to help from there but eventually went back to blacking out. He had his magic back long enough on the turtle to staunch the wound so he could make it to the healers, but it wasn't looking good for him. A day more and it would have probably been too late.

He says Steve with familiarity now, knowing that she is close with him. Steve Rogers. His new Pit family who kept doing speeches and the two of them relied on one another a great deal down there. He even healed Steve from some of his infection, and Steve carried him unconscious into the room after the escape. He's fond of all of the people from her world.

He spent most of the turtle unconscious and delirious so he's not entirely certain if she was there, but they got back, and Yennefer handled it from there. His gut wound is healed, but sometimes he gets phantom pain, just as remembrance. He taps the wall and it changes from Sam's to notes he's taken on everything that happened on the pit side. Almost instinctively feeling her dislike and replacing it.

Istredd smiles and looks askance at her.

I'm not, I'm still having a hard time. Emotion blossoms suddenly, unexpected joy. Complicated, considering the rest, but very real. I told Lucifer I have feelings for him and he shares them. We're together now.

Istredd has been aware of his feelings for Lucifer for months but he was content with their friendship and had no intention to say anything. They've been close and that bond always felt unbreakable, but he was still afraid. Now he isn't afraid at all. It's the one thing that doesn't frighten him. Shadows, blind spots, the smell of mushrooms or dirt, sounds he doesn't expect, strangers, all the obvious reasons to be scared. But not of Lucifer.

Istredd doesn't know if they would have gotten together if the pit hadn't made Lucifer realize how much he needed him to live, or Istredd to want a reason to live, but maybe with more time. It happened this way and he's not sorry about it. The nightmares are completely toothless now with someone in bed with him.

If anyone can understand the complicated feelings of finding love in this world, with no promise of a forever, but still wanting it, it would be Wanda, considering her relationship with Matt.

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Page 17 of 18

Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

can wrap here or on yours!

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tw: past suicide.

finally here... 🐕 also, okay!

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was on mini-hiatus myself, <3