abraxaslogs | Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

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Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

WHO: Istredd and anyone!
WHAT: Catch-all for April
WHERE: Thorne, Horizon
WHEN: EARLY April for now, will put later prompts up as time goes on
WARNINGS: PTSD from the event, NSFW thread in comments

Starters Below!

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The more she hears about the factions, and their antagonistic antics, the less she likes it. Not that she was trying to, even at the benefit of the doubt, for long at all. Being told you were stuck somewhere and could not leave without references and good cause was suspect enough, but she'd been swayed by the realization of Jack being here. Distracted by his very existence truly, physically near her.

(The thought of him brushing her thoughts,
has her reach out gently, a reflex like breathing

to find where he is, the frenetic shuttle of his thoughts,
the calming—to her—cadence of his heartbeat.)

Sabine doesn't look all too surprised about Jack crossing a faux pas line about sharing; at least not at this point. All these years into the blog's existence and his acquired nature for chronicling any number of things openly. Another of the many things that came about in her absence. A knowing sort of sympathy gilds her features for that relating of his friend exposure.

"What kind of a connection?" Sabine's already wondering if there are easy parallels to back home, to those drawn to the gas station as more than passing transients. The ones who care bear the pure chaotic energy steadily coming from The Rift off the sleeping form of an immortal evil older than their universe.

Istredd understands being intentionally told someone was rifling through your mind could be difficult, so he understands that Wilhelm is tense and only relaxes when that first brush is over. He really doesn't like to read other people's minds without permission, his skill with it is a blend of natural tendencies and the man who trained him. Cracking open Wilhelm's mind would be enormously easy. That's why this is important.

"You are very lucky they didn't try this while interrogating you." Or maybe they did and Wilhelm simply didn't know. Either way, whatever held them back from doing so kept him safe, so Istredd is grateful, but it's good to do this now. "This is why your attempts at using your magic on them didn't work." They have mental defenses. Istredd had been incredulous when Lucifer told him, but he trusts Wilhelm learned his lesson. Otherwise he wouldn't be here.

He says the spell with legitimate conviction which means it works right off the bat. Impressive, really, and at least it will offer Wilhelm something. He may feel like his head is heavier, like the mental block has real weight hanging on it.

"What you're going to feel is mental pressure from me on what you just cast. It will make it obvious to you how the shield feels, so when you feel that push, don't push at me, push at the shield. Make it stay in place." It's not about attacking someone who may be pressuring the mind, if anything it is best to act like you don't even notice.

As promised, Istredd does push at Wilhelm's new shield but he does it deliberately and obviously, that's where it has to start. He won't be able to do anything against subtle yet.

"I think that's something you should ask Rhy. It would be secondhand coming from me. He's a good man and very easy to talk to." Istredd isn't trying to push her off on someone else, he is trying to be helpful in getting her to where she can get real answers. Rhy did express to them how it felt being there and he's told Istredd more, but it's better coming from his own words.

"I visit the Singularity in the Horizon regularly. Sometimes I'll just read there next to it. I'm not sure if it notices, but I recommend doing so yourself. It does seem to care about us, but to what extent is unknown. It isn't like any of us."

It's not human, or human-adjacent, or any of their type of beings that have thoughts and feelings that are somewhat similar. The Singularity is its own entity. Istredd likes visiting it, but he's experienced nothing in particularly special, even after meeting it in person. It hasn't stopped him though. He finds it soothing to be there. It's the center of magical power, after all.

"I don't agree with Thorne on much, but protecting the Singularity I think is the right thing to do."

All of the politics are starting to give him a headache, and Jayden's patience for continuing to consider them is rapidly waning. He's also starting to get a headache, something he's not sure is actually possible in the Horizon, so it's probably psychosomatic.

"Was there actually some sorta' fight between Summoned? Or was it limited to pressure from the factions?"

Because that distinction seems important, especially as Jayden wonders just how loyal Summoned are to their factions in general. He can't imagine it's enough to want to fight for them, at least not for most of the Summoned anyway.

"It was pressure from the factions I believe. I'm not entirely certain what they promised the Summoned in exchange for getting the caskets from Thorne. Probably influence, some trust, perhaps gold."

It didn't seem like any of them did it to truly hurt one another or out of some kind of violent urge. Perhaps one or two did, Istredd doesn't know everyone who was there at that time. But no one died during the conflict so it was probably more strategic.

"It could have been partly some pay back as people had just escaped Thorne. They may have wanted to strike at them through stealing."

Istredd doesn't blame them. He is above petty revenge but he can see how it would be compelling. They had been thrown into the dungeon and treated poorly and finally escaped. Why not do something to halt Thorne's climb back up to power through the Singularity? He can see how he might have volunteered for Thorne to gain more clout with them too.

Embarrassment tiptoes into his expression as he remembers the stupid stunt he'd tried to pull on the guard. The worst part is, he really thought he was doing something there — something other than making a massive mistake that would earn him a night in a holding cell. He bites his tongue against the defensive protest that wants to pop out. Seriously, how was he supposed to know?

So, yes, he's learned his lesson.

With his confidence standing on shaky legs, Wilhelm is still a little surprised when magic actually goes right in his hands. He feels the heaviness Istredd described, like a wall has risen in his mind. He feels the pressure tapping against it, too, as Istredd tries to find a way in. Well, not that he's trying too hard. Wilhelm has no doubt that Istredd could break into his mind and take whatever he wanted, if he wanted to.

Closing his eyes, he focuses on the wall in his mind. He imagines layering brick after brick on top, building it taller and sturdier to keep everyone out. He doesn't know if that's what he's supposed to be doing, but how else do you reinforce something that's in your mind?

There's a panic in Louis that has him wanting to retract, to reach to those places that he can hide away. If anything, he misses the hand on his shoulder that would ground him when he needed it. Louis had requested it from Armand and through their complications, they had their agreement. They both knew there's a fire in him that can lash out while at the same time Louis could very well throw himself into the sun. If he thought it, he could burn the whole room down. He won't. It would be disrespectful. Louis has grown to like Istredd.

Truthfully, he's grateful Istredd is there. It stops him from spiraling into a full vertigo. There's a conflict shifting onto his face, brows furrowing and his body rigid when he stares at the book on the floor before it's picked up.

"I should have better control over that." That being more than he can say. It could be the psychic ability or something else. It is then that he finds Istredd's hand on his shoulder and instantly his inflamed panic reduces, but his face remains in a frown. There's too much shame in him and the scorched word reminded him of what he was trying to do in Dubai. The pit inflamed the grief in him even if he had tried his best to refrain from hurting anyone. His voice is quieter.

"You don't need to have had blood family. I made my own after I turned. I lost them both, but they remain in my heart still." It's easy to state it, what he's denied vehemently in parts. Be it the conversation, or the lull of Istredd's comforting hand, it brings it out of him. "One of them is in Thorne. We didn't end our relationship on good terms, but... He'd appreciate the sunlight if you have a spare ring. I will consider it for myself."

He takes the book from Istredd. He's going to take it with him. Louis takes a deep breath before he sighs softly, his lines softening his face. He still has his tendencies to want to become ashes, but he'll live. It's the best he can do right now. He walks over to the wall he'd considered making a doorway. A thought, right? There is a faint glow to the edges of what is becoming a door.

"You've been a gracious host. I hope to return the sentiment next." They could have been there for hours or it was a mere short visit. All he knows is that he feels he's overstaying. It's been a while since he's had an outburst.

Istredd is glad that Wilhelm is learning from experience and he seems to be a very responsible person. Everyone makes mistakes, but he's mostly relieved that the Thorne guards didn't take that incident more seriously. At least now Wilhelm understands what kind of spells probably made his attempt impossible, so he can use them himself.

"Good job, that's exactly right."

He sounds approving because he is. The making a wall made of mental brick is what he would have recommended. Something to visualize what is going on in the mind. Istredd applies more pressure, his taps becoming more like knocks, but what he's making should hold just fine. If there is anywhere that Wilhelm hasn't quite bricked off yet, he may feel the knock harder than the places that are controlled.

"This is not unlike how to build an actual magical shield, so keep that in mind."

Which may also come in handy for Wilhelm down the road. Istredd specializes more in defensive magic and the mind because it is more natural to him. Defensive and protective over aggressive.

"What you're going to need to do is practice this regularly until it's mental muscle memory, not unlike how someone learns how to use any skill."

He opens his eyes to meet Istredd's gaze again. He can't hide how pleased the approval makes him, but it won't go to his head. Before the praise can inflate his ego, it has to deflate the specter of his self-doubt.

"Will practicing it on my own help? Even if nobody is pushing on it?"

It would be an easy thing to do. He could practice anywhere, anytime, and nobody would even know. Maybe he could try the incantation while training in the morning with Kyle. See if he can hold a mental shield while blocking punches and kicks. Strengthen his mind and his body at the same time. For the first time since he accidentally lit his bed curtains on fire, Wilhelm is not just overwhelmed by all the things he has to learn. He's growing excited by the possibilities too.

"I still want to show you my fire magic too. I've gotten better. And..." His jaw tenses as his nerves encroach on his face. "I think I want to try making my own fire again."

"Yes, using it on your own will make it second-nature when you do need to use it. The more comfortable you get building shields, the easier it will be."

That is why it is a passive power for him now, his mind is permamently locked and shielded to anyone. He's trained so long in it that it simply happens. His defensive magical shield goes up extremely fast too, from decades of practice. Istredd's tone is very approving still, that Wilhelm is taking it seriously and wants to practice.

He smiles at him, lacking his usual reserve. "Wilhelm ... I'm impressed with how you're working to excel. It's very good to see." Pushing past his fear. The very thought of trying to do that before made him nauseated a few months ago. Now he seems more stronger in spirit. Determined.

"The only way to defeat fear is with confidence and competence. You're well on your way."

Jayden doesn't have enough context to really understand this--Caskets? Stealing?--and normally he'd just continue asking questions, but his dwindling patience and growing headache and exhaustion are working against him. He already has a lot to think about, and he also realizes he's basically been asking Istredd questions nonstop so far anyway.

"Yeah. Not surprised there might be hard feelings." Although it does tend to take awhile before he does so, Jayden is not above being petty, but he also wouldn't consider this petty anyway. But he'll keep it in mind, along with everything else, though for now--

"Thanks for lettin' me ask you a ton of questions, but I'd guess you have things to get back to, so I should stop takin' up your time."

"I never mind answering them, Jayden. We went through a great deal together. The library is always open to you." The Pit Crew will always have strange bonds that only they can understand, connection through trauma, and that is how he will continue to see it.

He tries to absorb Istredd's belief in him and transform it into self-confidence. Take each word of praise and stack them brick by brick into a wall, like the one he built in his mind when he practiced the defense spell. Fear of failure had been his motivation before, but now something more powerful pushes him forward.

Eager, as he has never been during these sessions, Wilhelm pushes himself up from the chair. The energy emanating from him is that of a spring coiled tight, ready to release.

"Let's go then."

Istredd thinks about the first time they talked about magic, how terrified and sick it made Wilhelm to think about it. The guilt that plagued him over what happened with Yennefer, and how dangerous he was continuing to be by refusing to get help. Yet here he is, motivated and eager to get this power under his control. It's what Istredd wanted to see him from the start, but it's normal for it to take time to get there.

Istredd nods and opens a door into the training chamber Wilhelm is used to. "Let's go."

Once inside, he warms up on fire conjured by Istredd. Handling the fire is easier in the Horizon, where the thrum of the Singularity is strongest and everything comes down to willpower. Even so, his improvement is obvious. His precision has sharpened by degrees, and so has his confidence.

When Wilhelm decides he's ready, he's surprised to discover that the monster he's made of it in his head — invincible, impenetrable, with a hundred heads all hissing flames — has shrunk. He closes his eyes and follows the familiar path to that inner flame. Seize that rage, stoke it.

His stomach flips. His palms sweat. But he finds in this moment that what terrifies him more than losing control is staying weak. Going back to that darkness. As he keeps reaching for the flame, he feels like he's clawing his way out of some hole.

It takes a few, faltering tries. The first time, he produces no fire but accomplishes the respectable feat of not throwing up. Again, fighting harder. Again.

Finally, it sparks. It shocks him, the sudden curl of flame glowing in his hand, but his gaping quickly gives way to grinning. It's all his. This thing he'd once wanted to cut out of himself like a tumor, which now he doesn't want to surrender.

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Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

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wrapping c:

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And we can wrap here!

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Let's wrap on this one, yay them

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