abraxaslogs | Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

If there's one thing Shepard hates, it's starvation. As a child, her entire world had revolved around hunger; how long you could withstand it, how many days you could last without food, how you could acquire it. Nothing mattered more than the next meal, if not for yourself, then for someone else. Getting her biotics hadn't changed that: if anything, it had made the point that much sharper.

Her time in the cave had been— it had changed things.

So when she visits the Horizon she doesn't sequester herself in Normandy, anymore. It's almost painful, somehow, to sit in Starboard observation and try to pretend it's real. Her mind keeps going back to hunger-pangs, thinning wrists, filthy hair. Cuts that don't heal. Shepard simply walks, most evenings, and tonight she wanders into Istredd's library almost without purpose— but then she sees the pets.

"...Hey, there," She says to the nearest bird, gently easing herself towards it, trying to entice it to touch her hand, "What's your name, big guy?"

She likes pets, you see. Ironic for a spacer, but there you have it. When Istredd sees her he will surely recognize her— she startles and turns, visibly embarrassed.

"I, uh... Nice pets."

Nailed it.

Istredd has gone through a lot in his life, but starvation was never a problem. He's lucky that way, he fully realizes, and experiencing it first hand was a traumatizing situation. He helped control the supplies and water too, hoping that he could maintain rations that everyone could survive off of. It was the only thing he could think of for himself to do.

The ravens all have different personalities, trust Lucifer to create unique creatures, but she lucks upon meeting Rooibos first, the most friendly of them. The others would watch her or fly away, but he seems content to let her come closer.

Istredd does recognize her immediately, he knows everyone who was in there with him, and he smiles faintly, closing his book. "Rooibos is his name. He's friendly, you don't have to worry about him pecking you." All of the ravens are named by Wanda after different kinds of teas. If she puts out her hand he'll prove that by willingly stepping on it.

"I haven't seen you since the turtle, how are you, Shepard?" Istredd learned everyone's names while he was down there since he figured they'd all have to be a team eventually. And she was one of the people who stayed behind too.

"Fine," A little too sharp, too certain. Istredd might or might not catch it— he might know her face, but he doesn't really know her, just yet, "Takes more than that, to break me."

Well, she'd spent most of the turtle-ride unconscious, so don't mind her for being a liar. Physically, she had been at her limit, very nearly beyond it. Between biotics, training, and various augmentations, Shepard was well equipped to cope with nearly any hardship... except starvation. Hunger, again, sharp and hard behind her bellybutton. Shepard tamps down on it ruthlessly— this isn't her Domain, and she's got a reputation to uphold, dammit. A pokerface then, if nothing else; the phantom pain subsides.

"Istredd, right?" She had looked everyone up, once upon a time, but matching names to faces isn't the same as being able to look up a service record, more's the pity, "How about you, then? Everybody where you're at get back safe and sound?"

"It's pretty astonishing none of us did break, if you think about it."

Istredd knows about people who try to be strong. He does too for different reasons. Most of them are broken in a way, mentally if not physically, but it's not the same as a true break from reality. They survived something terrible. And he knows without question that he would have, if it wasn't for everyone else there sharing it. Being absolutely alone would have destroyed him in just a few days.

Rooibos makes a little squawk noise at her and nuzzles at her hair, as if grooming her. He is very friendly, as Istredd said. He's the only one that has settled into the new pets in the tower, the leosylphs who are napping high up at the moment.

Much like her one of the hardest things for him was lacking all the things he was used to having. His Chaos magic is a huge part of himself, it is always flowing through his veins like now, a born ability. Istredd can tell she's struggling but he leaves it be. They are new to each other despite experiencing something rough. There's time now to change that.

"Yes, Istredd. Everyone back and healed from the rituals effects, the sap seems to have done its work." Ikorr's sap that was used for the cure. "I think it'll be awhile before anyone is actually well though. A lot of sleepless nights going on. How about the Free Cities?"

"A few barfights, and people are pretty pissed off in general, but— they got good medics in Free Cities. We'll do fine."

She doesn't like to think about the sap, to be honest. It's one of those things that was too... uncertain. She didn't really understand the action of medi-gel either, but Shepard had spent a long time comforting herself that someone did, that the whole medical system upon which it rested had looked at the stuff with important words like 'peer review' and 'patent file' and that it had all checked out according to multiple governmental bodies, councils, and jackasses in lab coats with degrees.

Sap was goo, by comparison. Goo from a tree. What sense did that make, as a medicine? So she distracts herself.

Rooibos is good for that, incidentally, and in short order he has Shepard crooning and earning himself some chin-scritches and promises of treats. And wouldn't he like a better name for such a big and good bird, like maybe killer? Shepard thinks he might.

"I think after being kidnapped to an alternate dimension, having a second, less kind kidnapping is almost a relief— at least we knew where we stood with those freaks. I don't know how it goes elsewhere, but in Free Cities they're downright nice about it, all things considered. It's pretty damn disorienting."

"We don't have the freedom for barfights, which is for the best. No one wants to be in Thorne's dungeons." Istredd knows that personally, having put spells on said dungeons, after being requested to. He thought it for the best so he knew where they all were and could get around them later. But Thorne is so oppressive compared to other places. They can barely go to pubs let alone start fights in them.

Rooibos is enjoying the attention and she now has a lifelong friend, or a Horizon friend at least. The other ravens do occasionally pick favorites. Since they're not his, he never really knows what they're going to do. It's nice to see the friendly raven get a good response. Rooibos is more often shooed off.

"Did we know where we stood with them? I don't think we know what their real intentions were. Experimenting on us with rituals, yes, but to what end?" Istredd shrugs. He doesn't know the answer, he is merely asking the question. To see what happened, probably, but he doesn't know if they got any answers they wanted from it. Josselyn Creed may be the only person who can talk about the intentions. Some day they'll get their hands on her.

"Thorne is glad to have us back, yes. They had a little celebration, which was fairly eerie. Welcome back from your second kidnapping." Istredd is rare in that he doesn't ultimately mind being here. He has reasons to actually like being here. But it doesn't make any of this acceptable, especially not for others. "They're always strange though."

It brought her up short, the question. To what end? To what fucking end?

"Honestly, if you ever fully understand what's going on in the heads of people who deliberately do what those people tried to pull, that's a real problem," Shepard said, not looking away from the bird, though looking was all she was doing, "But believe it or not, this isn't my first time dealing with a fungus cult. Or a bunch of people preaching doomsday while worshiping something they don't understand."

But then, wasn't Abraxas just cults all the way down? There had been more than one reason for her to join the Free Cities army, after all. Say whatever you wanted, at least they were practical. You push people too far, either you won, or it blew up in your face. And whatever the odds, the consequences...

Some things you don't touch. Some sleeping dogs are best left lie.

"If you ask me, they probably had no real idea why they were doing it. Someone else wanted power, or information, or some way to replicate the transformation they were trying to put us through— Hell, maybe they even believed half that shit about being chosen. But in any case, they were just somebody's grunts."

Which didn't make them innocent. In a way, it made them worse; anyone can do evil in a moment of weakness. But to choose that kind of brutality, to go in knowing what you were doing, day after day, weeks on end, watching the consequences in as much detail as anyone could imagine... Even if they were sorry about it now, it was as much as to say that they'd known all along that what they were doing was wrong, and had done it anyways. And for what? Some higher ideal, some necessary purpose, something that might somehow make the suffering worthwhile and lend it value?

Or was it just because someone else had told them to do it, and nothing more.

"Even odds what they'll do with Creed, though," Shepard remembers herself then, and gives Rooibos another few scratches before trying to fob him off onto a nearby shelf, with limited success, "My money's on an execution. You might get away with murder if you're quiet, but nobody gets away with publicly embarrassing the people in charge."

The voice of experience.

"I always try to make sense of things, but I'll admit, religion is a blind spot. I've never really engaged with anything like what we saw, or what Solvunn is typically like." There are definitely cults and religions like that in his sphere, it's not as if it is missing zealotry, but he is an academic. Istredd sticks to his libraries and his books that sometimes talk about these things, but it's not been an experience until now.

"My partner understands it very well. He and his brothers are part of a major religion on his sphere. The holy books are written about their family." To Istredd, angels and the Bible are as alien as her spaceships and reapers would be. He does know some Summoned know about those stories, but not all of them. Lucifer isn't really reflected well in them, so he's only given a cursory look over the books Michael added.

"I would agree with you though. I don't think the majority of them knew what they were doing. The acolytes on the whole seemed to be very much taking orders. From Creed, perhaps. It probably isn't only her though. One ringleader in a very effective and out-sourcing cult? That sounds unlikely."

Istredd is hoping to speak with her before whatever happens. And by speak to, he really means rip apart her mind if that's what it takes to get answers out of her. He is normally very mild-mannered and calm, but she has a great deal to answer for, and he's been trained to break apart minds when he needs to. He won't have any qualms about it when it comes to Josselyn Creed.

A little leosylph rubs up against his legs, he is black with red eyes, and Istredd reaches down to pick him up. He crawls up his shirt to sit comfortably on his shoulder, looking at Shepard and her raven friend. Istredd went from having no pets or animals in his life to clearly more than he actually knows what to do with. The ravens aren't his so he can't really do anything about them.

"Yes, they will execute her. Knowing Solvunn, it will be something particularly unsettling too." He doesn't have to know about the sheep ritual execution to guess they were going to do something creepy. "She didn't just embarrass them, she was someone in charge. A politician, elected and everything, and made these moves right under their noses."

Not embarrassment, straight out incompetence.

"Uh-huh," She agrees. But he can see how that's worse, she hopes. One of your own, acting against what are ostensibly the possessions of another nation, without permission? How does that look?

Shepard shrugs, a gesture made less effective by the way the bird has stubbornly refused to be dislodged, and is in fact making its way up to perch where he can more easily preen her hair.

"Well, whatever they want to do, I'm sure we'll all be glad when it's done," She sighs, gently trying to reposition him, and succeeding only in somehow facilitating his desire to be petted. This is what she gets for encouraging the beast, "This is why I don't really go in for prisoners in the first place. Too much paperwork. Too much process."

It looks very bad, Istredd believes that strongly. Solvunn can say whatever they want but they will be the focal point of distrust and suspicion for a long time to come. And Istredd already didn't trust them as far as he could throw them, so this was fuel to the fire.

Shepard must have good energy, in his opinion. She is a little harsh, but she is kind to Rooibos and the bird likes her. He is friendly but he is only this friendly with Wanda typically. It's nice. The animals that exist in the Horizon are very interesting, considering they are entirely psychic in design and yet display emotions and interests.

"I thought execution best too. Not to mention how they managed to capture all of us, who is to say they won't be able to spring the imprisoned ones." Paranoid, yes, very much so, but Istredd doesn't think it is out of the realm of possibility either. It is impossible to know if they really got rid of the entire cult.

"It's difficult to assure people they are not in danger when the people who put them in it are still breathing. But it happened as it happened." The vote was done.

Alright, the bird problem is getting awkward— you can't have a serious conversation like this.

"Sorry, I've—" She has to stop a minute to attempt to constrain the bird from, at the least, not actually standing on her head. It's a petty victory, but she'll take what she can get, "I've always kind of liked pets. Weird for a spacer, I know."

She has no idea if Istredd knows, of course, but— well, it's not like it'd be the first time she explained space travel to someone, if he asks. It's getting to be almost routine.

"They do that kind of thing often, where you're from? Public Execution?"

"Rooibos. Boundaries." He did not make the birds so they mostly do as Lucifer wants, but the raven seems to listen to him enough that he respectfully sits still where she wants him. Rooibos won't peck at her now, since he doesn't want to have to fly away.

"Certainly, I don't know many places where it isn't a possibility. I've never been to one myself, but they're in every town and city." Istredd comes from what might be considered a medieval-period era, or something adjacent to it in comparison. He says this very factually because it is true, he doesn't know if there is anywhere in his sphere where public executions aren't a thing. Perhaps a few places prefer private ones, but rarely.

"What is a spacer?" Yes, he has no idea what that is.

"Are you familiar with the idea of a planet?" Well, fair enough, she saw that question coming, "Go up far enough, the air runs out, and keep going past that and you'll leave the influence of the planet. That's space. Anybody who spends more than nine months of the year up there, that's a spacer."

She knows how shitty it is to dump that in his lap like that, but there's no cleaner way to explain it; experience has taught her that drawing it out, particularly with smarter people, only makes them angry. They seem to think, somehow, that she's calling them stupid. More than one pointless fight had started that way, in her time on Abraxas... and Istredd... isn't stupid.

"I generally don't spend much time on the ground, if I can help it. Ergo..."

"Yes, but we call them spheres." Which makes sense, round giant objects, close enough. Istredd has heard them be called worlds and planets. He's spoken about it in that way before with the Conjunction and how many spheres collided all at once to create the current continent. But he's never thought about the actual outer space from there.

"That's fascinating." He isn't stupid, he can fill in the blanks. He has been so sphere-bound that the idea of what's outside of it has always been theoretical. Universes and other worlds, of course they existed, but never the space outside of it was questioned. "We know that there are many spheres - planets - but no one's experienced space as far as I know."

His sphere isn't even close to that level of technology. At least a thousand years away, probably. "Why do you prefer space to a planet?" An honest question, he wonders what it's like out there.

"Why does anybody travel?" Shepard replies, deliberately arch— but it doesn't last; she grins and offers him a helpless hand, palm-up and placating, "For a long time, I didn't have a say in the matter; I'm a marine with the Systems Alliance navy. You go where you're sent, in the military."

Not that she wouldn't do it by choice, of course; she knows where she's needed. Normandy's path across the stars was evidence of that.

"I get the feeling that most people here are used to societies that live all on the ground, but my people are scattered across hundreds of worlds and dozens of star-systems. Ground conflicts are pretty small-change by the scales of economy we operate on, and me and my team are considered to be a commodity, so keeping us on-planet would be a waste."

Which is to say, in her sainted opinion, that the Free Cities military is wasting her potential, both because they haven't a reasonable potential for her to inhabit, and deliberately. But they've done little enough to inspire true loyalty, nevertheless... so why bother pretending to have faith in their competence?

"New horizon, new sky, every week. Until Abraxas."

"A space soldier. That does sound exciting, exploring multiple spheres." For them, it wouldn't really be likely. It has to do with the Conjunction and that the other spheres they know about are violent and dark. It's possible there are good ones out there, but many were destroyed. They thought all of them were, at one point. He isn't likely to go outside of the ground though.

"We mages are soldiers of a kind. Not in the obvious sense, but we are raised to work for and obey the Brotherhood of Sorcerers, the magical organization." The as in there aren't any others. There are magical beings but many of them die or they do what they can independently. Some mages do leave and do their own things, like Yennefer did, but they are always expected to come back. Also like she did. It's one of those things that always was drilled into them.

"They send us to courts and other places to try and guide them." He says that wryly. It's manipulation, obviously, through and through. Espionage, in a way, although right out in the open as court mages are required. But they are sent to try and control the kingdoms. It's a power that the Brotherhood keeps tabs on.

"I usually can teleport across the continent, there is no real traveling to speak of. They control that here, we can't travel across factions. I understand why but it feels very limiting. And that's just speaking as someone who does have his feet always on the ground."

"It's fine."

It's fine in the same way the nightmares are fine, or the way food has gone back to being the background focus of every waking moment, or the way Garrus' plates are still brittle around the edges, or the way that... It's fine. It's fine, because it has to be. There's no other viable option, if she wants to go on. As Shepard had said; it took a lot to break her.

"I was due for a vacation, anyways," Which the Free Cities truly isn't far from. Most of what's hard is rudeness and lack of luxury; physically, this place is difficult in all the things it isn't, more than anything it is, "Spent the last few years yelling at people about the oncoming extinction event on their doorway, while they ignored Armageddon breathing down their necks... It's not what I'd choose, being stuck here, but there are worse things."

Like starving to death in a pit.

"So, what's like for you? There's not really such a thing as... magic, where I'm from. This much seem a lot more normal, from your end."

Istredd's eyes widen at the extinction event mention, but there's understanding in his gaze. "I've been warning my people of something similar, although I have no way of knowing when it will be." It sounds like she is far more aware of what is coming. For him, it's knowing the monoliths are probably the future and the past, and now knowing that when they are opened up, monsters come out. Monsters that could crash through the continent, destroying everything.

"Thorne is very magic heavy so I fit in well there. I teach beginner's courses to new mages or Summoned who never had any." It is a niche group but it is fulfilling. Several of the Thorne Summoned are taught by him and seem to have the will and way to become stronger at it. "I thought I'd managed to escape living at a royal court though. That I could live without. Especially violent royals."

He is allowed to be honestly disapproving of the monarchy in here. In Thorne they have to be very careful with what they say. The Horizon is one of the few safe places. "It's a dangerous situation, Thorne. It always feels like we're one step away from being tossed in the dungeons like the first group of Summoned."

Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

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sorry for the wait, bad week RIP

it's fine, life gets us all <3

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