abraxaslogs | Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

Lucifer can't stop moving but Istredd stays completely still, arms crossed, eyebrows up, waiting for him to actually formulate words as he apparently needed to be here to do it. Which is fine, because now that he's here, he sees why that would be comforting. It is why he has been spending so much time in the Horizon himself, more than he probably should, but hiding in his library has given him comfort. But this is more like a breath of fresh air, despite all of this air being fake.

Now that he's confessed his love he isn't so quick to squash his fuzzy feelings for Lucifer when they happen. Like now, watching him spin around in the sand, he finds it frankly adorable. A problem, for sure, that he is this soft for a man who needs to pace around to talk about something important. But here they are. And Lucifer has always talked with his hands.

Well at least it sounds great, apparently. He waits for Lucifer to get to the point, he is literally walking around it. That news though does genuinely shock him for a moment, but after a second of that, he realizes that it is the only thing that makes sense. "I sometimes forget that despite you being billions of years old, so little of that was ... out." Out of the cage. In a human body. Capable of doing any of this.

"So I would be your first. Relationship and man." Listen is it rational, is it reasonable, is it a little embarrassing, that he kind of loves that? It's a tiny bit of an ego boost, being this special to Lucifer. Istredd is trying not to be smug about it because he knows it's childish, and yet. No big deal, just a powerful and brilliant archangel who never had feelings for anyone before him. Before him. None of this is shielded from Lucifer, he isn't bothering with shields right now.

"You don't need Hell Knowledge, Lucifer. You have me." AKA Istredd can show him, he knows, he doesn't mind it. He loves educating people and it might finally be in a fun way. But he does shake his head after a moment.

"But 'I'm not opposed' isn't the same thing as 'I want that too.' I told you if you don't want to have sex, it's not a deal breaker. If and when it does happen, I'd like an enthusiastic yes." Like he thought he had when they were kissing not that long ago. When Lucifer was on top of him and he was thrilled beyond reason. Until that is the energy, it's just ... not worth it.

"So we can table sex, if that's the problem." Istredd can negotiate. "What about the relationship?"

Shut up. How many times do I need to tell you you're not nobody?

Says that 'powerful and brilliant archangel' who has little value for himself.

Lucifer's been actively dancing around the words 'I want' and he doesn't quite realize it until Istredd's pushed the issue, enough that the realization stops his movements completely and he's staring at a single speck of sand among the thousands in an odd, unwavering shock.

Oh.

Well that.

Makes sense.

He's never been exactly allowed to want anything. He's taken it, what he can get. But wants are a different entity entirely. A different problem. Wanting something leaves so much more room for disappointment when that's all he's ever gotten since his Fall.

It's a very strange mix of equal measure confusion and understanding twined together towards Istredd's mind, strands of thoughts reaching back towards Lucifer's impossible sudden clarity.

How peculiar.

"I..." He blinks and tilts his head up at Istredd in that bird-like twitch.

He nearly says he's pretty sure they might already be in one, but that's still continuing the dance of words he's been doing.

And then.

Lucifer laughs.

A strange, melodic, music box sound to their thoughts. No malicious intent. Effervescent.

"'Why am I still afraid'?" he echoes. This is the same exact fight he had within himself when they were building the bond between them. A dangerous storm, but clearing up, just trickles of rainfall spattering left.

Because here he is recognizing he's terrified to put himself out there, to truly want anything for the first time in years, and Istredd has already pulled open his own ribs and exposed his heart expecting the worst and Lucifer can't be damned to answer back?

No.

No.

Another laugh, bright. He steps across the sand, over a half-buried small bird, and stops in front of Istredd, shoving hands into his pockets. "Yeah," he says, "yeah, Istredd, I want that. The relationship, at least."

Well I'm not nobody to you. Istredd replies and there is absolutely smugness in his tone there. And that's good enough for me. All he really wanted was to be important to someone. It seemed like such an easy thing to want. He had other lovers and they wanted the same thing from him, but he could never do it, and here he has been, following Lucifer around with lovestruck eyes.

Istredd feels less afraid now that he has said the words and not taken them back. It's comfortable. It feels good and right. He did the brave thing and spoke from the heart. Whatever happens from here, he can be glad. Except it seems like his confession is going to lead somewhere good, and being rewarded for doing the scary thing is new. Fantastic, too.

"Because hope is rare." He knows it was a rhetorical question, Lucifer echoing the same thing back to him, but the answer is true for both of them. They are not people who usually hope for better things for themselves. Being hopeful could lead to misery and loss. This beautiful connection between them always was a risk. So is putting a name to it.

The smile that blossoms from that confirmation is brilliant in a way never seen before because it lacks any reserve. He smiles like an idiot at him, ear to ear, and he's happy. Light and bubbly joy flows between them and he's thrilled and excited and still a little scared. Istredd closes the space and simply presses their foreheads together, a hand gentle on his arm, and that's all it takes for him to soak it in.

"This is all I need," he tells him softly. He means the clarity of Lucifer's feelings. A concrete agreement from him. These simple physical gestures are giving him the intimacy he craves. "I love you, Lucifer." The confession before was more or less forced out and now it is distinct. Direct. Fearless. He's saying it because he feels it and Lucifer deserves to hear it.

"And I don't need you to say it, and I don't need to have sex with you, I'm happy with this. You know that I'm telling the truth." Istredd's entirely truthful through their bond, there is no mistaking it. He is happy. He is content. Anything else is just frosting on the perfect cake. Istredd's hand moves up to behind Lucifer's neck, cradling him.

You're mine. He says it with such satisfaction.

Edited 2023-04-12 04:21 (UTC)

He doesn't say it back--wouldn't give Istredd something Lucifer hasn't put the puzzle together for. It's enough reassurance that he doesn't need to though. That he can still figure out the pieces of himself while knowing that there's someone else willing to be on the other side of it, not forced out of necessity, what Thorne's done to all of them.

They both want to be here for each other not for obligation. He didn't really think that a possibility, ever.

"I do seem to remember, however," Lucifer says airily, "something about you promising to keep me warm." It's said lightly but it comes with an annoyed thought about Istredd sleeping under Lucifer's bed.

Sex? Eh.

Sleep? Mmmm.

Istredd reassures him he doesn't have to say it because he really never wants that to hang over Lucifer's head. Like there is something missing because of him. He is secure in the fact Lucifer's feelings for him are real and unique. Nothing else matters above that. They have each other. They have for a long time, but there is still power in putting it into words. In acknowledging this.

He laughs because that was one of the first times he actively flirted with Lucifer, so having a callback like that right now is especially funny. Istredd pulls back to look at him, amused and playful, running fingers through his hair and ruffling it a little on purpose.

"Your bed or mine?" he teases. It's a tacit agreement that yes, if this means they share a bed now, and therefore body heat, he is all in. Sleeping will be a lot easier for both of them if they are near enough to each other for confirmation of life.

Confirmation of life. Definitely, definitely what it's about.

"Mine's less effort," he says. What? He is tired. Istredd technically rested for a few hours, albeit an angelic-touch induced unconsciousness. But still rest. Lucifer was awake--his own fault, sure--but awake nonetheless. "Half your linen in under my bed."

Definitely about that except until the nightmares wane and they're still doing it. Istredd nods and fades from view as he snaps out of the Horizon on purpose. He is already in motion soon after since they do need sleep and maybe he is eager about this. He leans down and telekinetically pulls said linen out from underneath. They don't need any of that, so he tosses it on his bed to stay for now.

He wonders if they're going to negotiate this part but he's just going to do what he wants because he has the confidence now to do that. Istredd finds their pillows and puts them in place, sliding under the blanket to wait to see Lucifer's comfort level. It's strange to be the one stretched out on his bed like that, similar to the way he admired him not that long ago.

"You need sleep. If that static comes back I'm going to lose my mind." See, they can do this. They can talk like normal, act like normal, and know there is something else.

"You think I like it for my mind?" Lucifer grumbles. "Bad enough I sometimes get it around me when I show up places--thank the Singularity for that." He's not actually sure Istredd's heard that lovely feature that Lucifer's had since the beginning. Lucifer typically is good about squashing it down when it tries to make a fuss.

Lucky for Istredd, Lucifer has little problem with this. He's a heat-leeching gremlin-octopus cat at his vessel's heart. He slides up under the blanket alongside Istredd, limbs latching around the man, laying claim and getting comfortable.

Istredd assumed the static was an angel thing, so he notes that away instead as a Singularity thing. He knows that Lucifer can't help it, he would have stopped it sooner if he could, but it still isn't the preference for a telepath this connected to someone else.

He is surprised at how eager Lucifer is to get close and wouldn't have expected him to be an instant snuggler. He absolutely loves it though. His delight is in the bond. Istredd makes certain the blanket is comfortably over them both and that Lucifer in particular is tucked in. His body heat will do more than any blanket could do on the warmth side.

He smiles and settles in close to him, no longer timid about it since it was Lucifer's idea first. An arm slinks in over Lucifer's side comfortably. "Don't change your mind in the morning." It is something Lucifer communicated being afraid of, and Istredd is not immune from that fear too. This was a huge deal for them both.

Back at you, is the murmured thought because he's already dipping into sleep, worn as he is. They've had some nasty arguments before but Lucifer hasn't been this physically wrecked... ever. Nocwich the first time around was only bad because he hadn't known his limits yet. Since, he kept himself in check.

He didn't care this time around. There was work to get done and he was going to do it, anything else be damned.

In a way similar to Istredd, permission for touch has been granted, so he'll allow himself this without any fight.

He ends up half atop, half under Istredd by morning--which isn't that far away. He will not move before noon and he will keep Istredd there if he must. Istredd can go journal in the Horizon if he really needs to be busy.

Let the devil sleep.

But eventually he will begrudgingly wake up. He thinks he had a training session that he skipped. Whoops. Well, it wasn't with Natasha, and even if it was she'd forgive him, what with how hard it's been for them all to slip into old habits again.

The static has currently dwindled down to a very faint background hum. It might rise and spike again throughout the day when he's more conscious, but it is improving.

He thumps his head against Istredd's chest which is very much not his mattress and ah. There's that brief flash of his permanency issues, but it's less than he expected it to be.

Istredd only fully slept the day they all were returned and had healings and required rest. He was in pain and feeling sick and it was not difficult for him to simply pass out. Unconscious meant his mind couldn't torment him. He had good black out sleep for two days at most before his mind took back over. He only slept after that when Lucifer was nearby.

So he does sleep this time and while his mind isn't out, the dreams he has never seem to go dark. Strange, maybe, but he doesn't wake up in fear or struggle with the weight of it. If there was anything to fight, Istredd feels the weight of a person with him, he wouldn't have to be alone. He is curled up with Lucifer and he does wake up before him.

He blearily opens his eyes a few hours before and notes the way he is being octopus-held and smiles to himself. Istredd contently watches him for a little while, amazed that after months of longing, it happened. And he takes so much comfort in small gestures, always. Sharing a bed with Lucifer, not for one night, maybe for most nights? He likes that.

Istredd does not go into the Horizon because he wants to be right here when Lucifer wakes up, so he makes mental notes instead, he can put all of that down later. And he thinks about other things too. Their kids. The people in Thorne who fought so hard to get them back. Kyle, Natasha, Lenore. The other pit people. They're all connected to him now, he went from having almost no one to having friends in the double digits. And Lucifer. He has Lucifer.

Istredd notes when Lucifer seems to be stirring and snaps back to himself, and for a moment he tenses, waiting to see his reaction. He pushes any nerves aside and runs fingers through Lucifer's hair, slowly becoming one of his favorite things to do, as if that gesture almost like petting is soothing to him too.

Hello. He tangles their legs together a little because he can. Still with me?

Still here. Didn't run sometime during the morning. Neither of them did. So that's something. New and tangible and not a bad thing. Maybe it's not a misshapen puzzle piece he's been looking for to get back into Thorne Life. No glue, no paint, no forcing it. Just something else entirely to connect the entire weave together.

It gives Lucifer some thoughts towards his domain, and that draws a small laugh out of him.

He stretches, but still remains tangled. "Finally, some real rest," he admits. He reaches up and knocks his knuckles lightly against Istredd's head. "See, lookit you, useful."

It is extremely domestic at the moment and technically they have been for awhile. Live together, do everything together, be best friends, rarely apart, so it's just a step up from what was already great about them. Because now it's out there. No hiding. Plus he gets to snuggle with Lucifer, ideal situation.

Istredd is smiling in a way that if he does it too long, it's going to start to hurt, it's too wide, he's too happy. He watches Lucifer stretch like a cat and shakes his head, scrunching up his nose when Lucifer taps his head with his knuckles. "That's me, your new useful security blanket."

He reaches up to snatch Lucifer's hand and then threads their fingers together. Holding hands seems perfectly reasonable after sleeping on top of each other.

"For the record, we can't sleep in this late every day. We both missed lessons." Although Istredd had every opportunity to wake Lucifer and try to make that happen, and he obviously didn't. And he's in no rush to leave the bed. In fact he leans closer, nudging Lucifer's shoulder with his head.

"You're bonded to a rebel, I don't know what to tell you, man." Probably should've thought about that long before now, that's for sure. But Lucifer is grinning. "If I have to be responsible on occasion, you gotta play hooky. That's the balance." That's the bleed over. Honestly there are so many worse ways that Lucifer could be considered a bad influence to Istredd.

Skipping out on a lesson here and there? Ohhhhh, the travesty!

Istredd might have to be very lucky for Lucifer to do something so gauche as hold hands in public, but for the moment he just as easily tugs their connected hands back to him to brush lips over Istredd's turned palm, the first time he's kissed Istredd since his...

Meltdown.

Perfectly Normal Celestial Problems.

His stomach chooses then to make an annoyed reminder that would be the Abnormal Celestial Problems. He suddenly wishes he kept snacks tucked away somewhere in the room like a chipmunk, but honestly he's not sure if the castle would have a mouse problem. "Euuuugh..."

Edited (that's how you get ants) 2023-04-13 06:54 (UTC)

"Well next time we'll go to bed at a reasonable hour and not have an emotional crisis in the middle of the night. No hooky happening from there." They were insanely tired and making decisions like that didn't help. Although it turned out so beautifully that he has zero regrets. He'd stay up another week if that was the price for this. The implication is he plans to do this again, if Lucifer is amendable.

His heart flutters at something so simple as Lucifer kissing his palm. It is unbearably sweet. He won't make him hold hands in public since that isn't his style either. Although he may be rebellious himself and do little things like touch his arm or back in the smallest gestures he can get away with.

Istredd leans in to kiss his forehead gently and briefly nuzzles his nose into Lucifer's hair, breathing him in. At the reminder of hunger though, he too realizes how long it's been. He has mostly been picking at food and not eating it, but today he just might try more.

He holds Lucier against him for a few more seconds before reluctantly sitting up. "I can't let my partner starve. It would look really bad if it happened our first day together." They have been together since the start, but it is slightly different.

"How very optimistic of you considering every time I think I'm done with emotional crises I'm surprised by another one." Which is frankly annoying. It's not like he does this on purpose.

Partner.

He likes the sound of that. They've both already used it and acknowledged it in a different sense but he supposes adding this is really just the natural progression, even if he didn't expect it at the time.

He drags himself up after Istredd as much as it genuinely pains him. "I'll defend you if Thorne still has mushrooms in their meals," he jokes.

Well.

It's mostly a joke.

"You are very dramatic, it's true. Good thing you're involved with someone who likes that about you." Not every single time, but his drama comes from his passion, and Istredd does find passion attractive. The intensity of Lucifer's temperament works well against the quiet of his own.

Istredd laughs and tugs Lucifer off the bed with him, stopping him once they're up. Hands loosely on his hips, keeping him close. "My protector," he says again like last night. This time hopefully leading to better things. He leans in and very gently and simply kisses him. A peck, short and sweet. He doesn't linger because he doesn't want it to be more than it is.

Istredd releases him since the intimate gesture he wanted was made. "Everyone already thinks we're together so just be normal."

Those two words are what jarred him most out of his own delusions and there is a quiet recognized thought to it that was previously under static before. That little 'one thing's not like the other' moment of quaking uncertainty.

It's good that it's a short kiss because otherwise they would not get out of here.

Lucifer steps away and heads for the door, rumpled clothing and all. It is his normal. "Whattaya talking about," he says, spreading his arms, "I'm never normal." And to be fair he was a brooding mess eating in the dining hall at odd hours last month, so anything else is a step up.

'long as he's not shouting at Ambrose most of the other Summoned would give him the benefit of the doubt.

He's got some perks on his side.

He twirls and waves a finger in a circle, calling out to the hall, as though anyone was still asleep except for whatever weird raccoon has been shuffling about lately, "Rise and shine, late sleepers, soup's on!" and continues on towards food.

Istredd on the other hand does attempt to be less rumpled, smoothing his hands over his clothing and following. He's been afraid to leave the room lately and now he does it without thinking about it, laughing into his hand instead of rolling his eyes for once.

Today's already a great day.

Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

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and fini (AGHHHHHH)