abraxaslogs | Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

Istredd is the opposite. He's been spending too much time in here, neglecting the real world, but he also doesn't have as much shit to worry about in Thorne. Being in here, filling up countless notebooks and making yet another conspiracy board, it may not be long-term healthy, but for now it's helping. Since Castiel's mention on the network a few people have shown up here but it is quiet at the moment.

Istredd does glance up, confused, having heard the engine but not knowing what that is. Strange. The door opens as soon as Geralt knocks and he happens to be on the first floor stacking up a few texts. They're all of the same thing, so he is keeping them together. Geralt will see a leosylph identical to the one he dropped in Istredd's room is on the bannister a floor above, currently asleep. The ravens are all on different floors, but he might spot them all looking at him for a moment before fluttering away.

"Geralt." Istredd is actually surprised to see him, and his first instinct is to be wary, despite the fact they managed to make some semblance of peace in the pit. Outside of some mild violence that was more miscommunication in the middle. The last he saw of him, he was escaping, and Istredd's focus had been on Ciri getting out alive. A little stabbing didn't end up killing him, so all's well.

His guard drops a second after he tenses. What can he really do in here, anyway? "Was that sound you?"

Geralt passed by Istredd's monolith before the man tore it down—a good decision, though Geralt isn't personally taken by the Tower of the Gull, either. He and the Brotherhood have had a...

Contentious relationship.

And considering he knows Istredd could not have possibly attended Aretuza, he can guess why the mage has chosen it. What part of his history it speaks to. (Always comes back to her, doesn't it?) But Yennefer is not why he's here.

"Mm-hm." Geralt points out a window, where the bike can be seen. Nadine introduced him to it as a metal horse, and it's how he continues to think of it.

He pushes aside a stack of books and sits on one of the tables. His eyes flick to the leosylph, then back to Istredd. "Thought I'd see if you were still alive."

Was he worried about Istredd? Not exactly, but he knows Istredd took a knife meant for Ciri. He has not yet decided what that really means; he just knows it means something. Besides, for all that they've not quite been on the same page, he'd hardly wish what they went through on him.

Of course he chose this because of Yennefer, it's typical that way. There is also a basement in here that only the two of them can use that is identical to the one they met up in as youths. It seemed like a reasonable trade for a tall structure that wasn't a monolith anyway.

Istredd is curious about what he means so he goes to the window to see the bike. It doesn't make much sense to him on first view, although it is very interesting. He can guess what its general use is, but not the details.

"Surprisingly, I am. It was a really unexpected turn of events." His tone is dry but it is also honest. Istredd felt from that first day that he wouldn't survive the ordeal. It was probably being cruel to himself, assuming he didn't have the survival skills, but it was a difficult situation for everyone. If Geralt, a witcher, was struggling, a scholar mage was definitely in trouble. After being stabbed and then infected, he assumed that was it.

A new lease on life would seem like a positive spin on this, but it's not how he's been acting. Istredd has become secluded and distant again, spending all of his free time (and not so free time) in here, excusing it as filling out books for details before it leaves his mind. He's hiding.

"I'm glad to see you made it, although that's not a surprise." As bad as Geralt was toward the end, he's still highly competent and strong. "How is ...." He hesitates, knowing this will always be a point of contention, but by now it should be obvious he cares. "How is Ciri?"

Unexpected is not inaccurate. It goes for most of them, in truth. To have nearly everyone walk away intact is nothing short of a miracle—or some interference through the Singularity. The so-called Gods. Destiny. At this juncture, Geralt hasn't a damn clue.

Perhaps the main reason he'a coping after the ordeal is because this isn't his first brush with death, nor haunting memories. You learn to live with it. Maybe not well, but.

Bottles of heavy liquor go a long way.

He flips open the cover of a thick leather tome. Idle curiosity. Fitting, that the man is surrounded by dusty books. He's surprised it's not completely buried him.

"Better," he replies. Almost fully recovered, as well. The healers in Nocwich are skilled, and Nadine took care of the rest in Cadens. They were fortunate.

He lets the cover fall shut again. His gaze meets Istredd's. "You intercepted a blade for her."

Istredd has led a sheltered life in many ways, compared to some of the other mages. The ones who went into courts were more actively involved in the ways the sphere was moving around them. He got to live in his books and digs and rarely get in the middle of conflict. Now he can say he proved to be able to survive, more than he thought possible.

Since they met, Istredd thought of Geralt as unshakeable. They may not have known one another long, and only spoke a few times here, but he had this presence to him, competent to a fault. Yet he was there in the pit with him. He saw for himself how damaged they all got, even the witcher.

There are many newer books around from where he has filled in details about the shrines. He hopes that it will continue to grow. Istredd knows bringing up Ciri opens this door, but he also assumes this is where it was always going to go. he nods.

"Yes." He folds his arms. "If they found out about her, she would be in worse danger than any of us. That's what I told her when she was screaming in her sleep." Geralt was exhausted at the time of this conversation, when Ciri attacked him. Nero handled it instead. "I know she doesn't want my protection, she'd made that clear."

His head tilts. He's aware of what transpired between Ciri and Istredd, though he'd not bothered to ask Nero for details. Easy enough to guess.

"She doesn't need to hear what she already knows," he replies simply.

No. Ciri would not want the protection of someone whose motivations are suspect at best. Who she does not know in any capacity beyond a mage who holds too much information about her. He regrets not being there with her during some of those...moments. But he's glad Nero was at least. Conscious.

It is not a topic he'd have broached with Istredd prior to their experiences. But.

"Ciri can protect herself." Blunt, but not unkind. He isn't interested in chastising Istredd for trying; that is a complicated matter he has yet to unravel. But he knows Ciri in a way few do—and for people like them, there's a level of trust required when letting someone take on a role you've held on your own your entire life. "Understand you are offering her nothing in her eyes by stepping in unwanted."

"You both were sick, Geralt. Neither of you could protect yourselves well in that state." Istredd is blunt in response, also not unkind, but he was one of the only people who mostly kept his head about him. Geralt knows that he stopped him from hurting Steve, so yes, he felt he was looking out for them. "I know I'm not the person she would pick to have her back, but I was trying to do that. For both of you."

Istredd's concern may have been on Ciri when it came to the scream and what the acolytes could find out about her, but Geralt saved his life when they first got down there. He didn't forget that. Maybe it is foolish to care about either of them, but he does anyway. If it was a choice, he wouldn't bother.

"If you're asking why the blade, it's simple. She is important, I am not. That's the math. She doesn't want me to mention that she's special, and that's fine, I'm sure a lot of shitty people have said that to her and meant it in terrible ways. When I say it, I mean that my life for hers is an easy trade. I would do it again." He means it. There are few things he means more than that. It's hard to explain and there are a lot of feelings attached to it that he never will, but that's what it is.

"But I'll stay out of her way from now on. I don't want to upset anyone. I'm not the enemy."

"That's not what I mean." He's not referring to what Istredd felt was necessary in the moment. He means—mm.

Exactly what Istredd says next implies. And perhaps he shouldn't give a fuck about explaining it; Istredd is not someone he cares about keeping on his side, but truth be known, the contentious relationship between Istredd and Ciri is a distraction nobody needs. They've enough trouble.

He leans forward. "Ciri is special. Not for the power she holds, but for what she means to me. Thousands have died because of her. For her. What makes you think she wants the burden of your life for hers any more than she wants to be pursued for her abilities?"

She's important, yes. More important than Istredd, but that is not something Ciri wants. And Istredd will not help himself by acting as though his life is less worthy than hers. She does not want anyone to be less worthy than her. She wants friends. Family. People who see her for who she is, not the girl Destiny chose to place on a pedestal.

Edited 2023-04-30 23:22 (UTC)

Istredd takes that in, arms crossed, and he does hear it, he hasn't really heard all the details about why she is the way she is. He knows that mages have tried to harm her, although that's hardly a surprise. The Brotherhood is vicious. He knows all too well how even well-meaning people could unleash disaster on someone who sees them as more than human. Him, he did that.

"She wasn't the only person I was willing to die for in there. Ciri is important yes, but she had Caitlyn with her. And my students were escaping too, I held the vines open for them." Caitlyn was the only sane person in there with him for a time, the two of them connected. He saw that Ciri was helping her escape and so it was in his mind, they both needed protection. He doesn't have a high opinion of his own life to be honest, he's working on it.

"Ciri and I met before we realized we were from the same sphere." He finds this a little humiliating to talk about but here they are. "We talked. I thought she was interesting. We weren't friends but I ...." Thought maybe they could be? Istredd's embarrassed about this. Yennefer's amused look of oh honey when he admitted to it before was painful. "When she came to the monolith, I thought I could show her the library, and then it all came out." Istredd sighs, remembering that whole fiasco all too well.

"She's not an object or an entity to me, if that's what you're worried about. I don't know what you want me to say. I'm going to leave her alone."

Geralt lifts an eyebrow. The man's mortification is palpable. A bit piteous, actually. He huffs a breath, arms folded across his chest. Was Istredd always like this?

"I'm not who you need to convince." He isn't here to warn Istredd away from Ciri. "And you can't avoid her forever."

In the sphere, that's an impossible ask. Being of the Summoned aside, Istredd remains the most knowledgeable on monoliths. He has a relationship with Yennefer. Geralt does not care to make enemies where unneeded. Nor does he wish to treat Istredd like a problem waiting to happen. It's a waste of his time, a waste of his efforts.

If he will not kill him—and Geralt happens to not want to (for now)—then he wants to be able to trust him. Where Ciri is concerned, at least. There is something bigger in the world. Always has been, but since the abductions, it's become more glaring. Gods and ancient powers. Visions of the unknown.

It is not only about keeping Ciri safe. It's about giving her a life she deserves.

"I have not told you this so you can hide from her. I'm telling you so you can stop being a fucking idiot when your paths invariably cross again."

Yes he was always like this. Another leosylph appears having lazily been on the third floor. It is black with red eyes, a different look from the typical. The one identical to Geralt is awake now, and they both seem very curious about the conversation. The ravens change floors up above. They're unconcerned.

"I don't want to avoid her," he snaps. "I've been respecting her wishes, the pit was an exception. She was clear with me." They were forced into the pit but otherwise she's been clear. Istredd isn't avoiding her because he wants to. He's fascinated by her, he wants to talk to her, he wants to get to know her. It's simply not viable.

"Geralt, everything I'm trying to learn about this place, about the spheres, the gods, the monoliths, and the Singularity, it's all connected in my mind, and you're well aware that she probably is too. I want answers, but not at her cost."

Istredd could have told people about her long ago. Thorne would have probably given him a title if they got their hands on her. If he was only about answers and logic and learning, he could suggest they use her to get them. Maybe there are mages who would do exactly that without any hesitation, Stregobor would absolutely be one of them. But that's not him.

He looks abruptly tired because he is, rubbing a hand against his forehead. He is mentally weary, he has been here for too long, but leaving doesn't seem like an option yet. "You saved my life when you could have easily gotten me off your hands. I haven't forgotten that. I want what I've wanted from the start here, for us to work together."

"Yes." Geralt blinks once, unfazed. "Exceptions that will occur again."

Geralt doesn't know since when the fuck he's giving a mage advice on not pissing his daughter off any time he's forced to be within her vicinity for two seconds, but here they are. He doesn't want Istredd to be her friend. Or to sell her out. He wants Istredd to be capable of existing in the same room without provoking her. Intentionally or otherwise.

The small feline puts a paw on his hand. He moves it over without looking down, eyes fixed on Istredd.

The Brotherhood might be quick to discard at the first sign of trouble, but that is not his role as a Witcher. Atop the cliff, Istredd was not an immediate threat to anyone. So he'd helped him instead. That's all there is to it.

"And what will you do with the answers you find?"

"Fine. I will remember to treat her as anyone else and not as someone special." It is a perfectly reasonable thing to ask, and Istredd can't argue that it has set her off when he did otherwise. When his awe of her and the things she could do made her seem too important to handle. If Ciri doesn't feel comfortable on a pedestal, he'll do his best to knock it down.

Part of his hesitance about being around her is concern it will be obvious she means something to him. His awkward politeness will be the best defense against people who know him well. He dreads the idea of being around her and Lucifer at the same time.

The Brotherhood is very quick to discard. They practically made a rule out of it. The young mages generations after generations simply continuing to be their eyes and hands.

"I don't know, I have no idea what the answers are. It depends on how much harm we're looking at, by the Singularity or supporting it. Until recently we were wrong about the monoliths. This sphere doesn't understand the Singularity in the same way, but only Ciri has a connection to the monoliths. We all have a chance here." Each and every one of them has a tie to the Singularity, some of them stronger than others, Rhy for example, but they have more potential.

"How the gods factor in, I'm still working on it. Kyle from Thorne has a theory. He thinks that the newer gods may have been the former Summoned, from thousands of years ago. If that's true we'd be looking at our own future, and the power within to accomplish it." This is definitely just a theory Kyle has brought up and the two of them have discussed.

His eyes roll, hearing Istredd say out loud something that he shouldn't have needed to impress on the man in the first place.

But that theory is not one he's heard proposed before. He frowns. He's aware there were the Summoned from decades (centuries?) back. Information learnt from a cellmate he's not seen since leaving Thorne. That something about the previous summoning process made Ambrose afraid of mistakes drawn through the Singularity.

The question is, do the other nations realize this? They had not started until after Thorne began.

And he does not like how Istredd has phrased the possibility. He narrows his eyes, sharp distrust cutting through.

"Even were it not horseshit, that'd be nothing to accomplish. It's a corruption." He sits back. "And there is no such thing as gods. Whatever power has infiltrated this plane, they must have slipped through from other spheres during past summonings."

Like the monsters through the monoliths, like Voleth Meir. He is not surprised some believe such entities to be gods. That doesn't make it real. There's a fucking talking raptor-like monster wandering about the Free Cities, and he has not forgotten the four-armed ogre. Beings the natives have not ever encountered. Given enough time and rumors and stories, he can see how all of that would be conflated.

Edited 2023-05-03 15:09 (UTC)

"I'm using the term gods because it is common here and it is the easiest way of referring to them. Whatever these creatures are, it doesn't matter, what matters is what they're capable of. We've seen in action several of them now, they are not to be ignored. Thorne and Free Cities have been though, so I have contacts in Solvunn looking deeper into it. They have agreed to perhaps make us a pantheon of what is known there."

A pantheon of the gods as they know it. Perhaps it ends up not being important. But Istredd will consider all information as important. They witnessed the heralds themselves, they witnessed that the cult used a god's power to take control of them, do whatever that ascension was. The shrine monster might have been a god. He doesn't know, but he thinks they may have been sleeping on a rising concern. He is still focused on the Singularity, but it is probably connected.

"Thousands of years ago, a high mage of Thorne Summoned a group of people like what happened with us. It is on record there. Whatever happened, that man was then exiled to the place that is now Solvunn. He founded it." Istredd doesn't think it's a coincidence that Solvunn then turned out to be the center for this zealous religion. "We have people within our midst that have extraordinary abilities, far beyond you and me." He is thinking of Wanda in particular. "Give us a few hundred years here, and I can see the natives thinking of them as powerful entities, perhaps calling them gods."

He shrugs. He is saying exactly what Geralt is thinking. "This is a theory. It's a long time ago, I don't know if we'll ever get an answer, but it is on my mind. The heralds had access to the Singularity and Horizon too. If they were Summoned like us once, it would explain how they have the same connection." Istredd's thoughts are not predicated on finding proof right away. Or ever. Theories are just that.

"Assuming some of this may be true, I wondered if the heralds were trying to communicate with us, not harm us. And the experiences we've had in the Horizon seem to want to show us things. If we could find a way to talk to them, they might have answers about the Singularity and what this all means." But Istredd has no idea how. "Unfortunately the best chance of that is in Solvunn." They just don't have access to this information. He doesn't know how to summon or ask for a god's attention.

As usual when talking about theories, Istredd is animated, probably why he's being so talkative.

"I know," Geralt interrupts. "You forget I was in Thorne once. Ambrose claims we were imprisoned because of the former High Mage. Something he did."

Or something he failed to do. What difference does it make? He's not denying that the locals might believe magic as great as Wanda's is a sign from or of the gods. He does take issue with the idea that they can—should, even—according to Istredd, consider that they are all capable of "accomplishing" that amount of power. Nothing lies in that level of arrogance except destruction.

And he will not be a part of anyone who chases after that goal.

"You say the heralds could access the Horizon as though it's a fact." Mages are always so certain of what they know the least. "Their influence took root in the mind. The precise thing the Horizon requires to function." He pauses. "The Singularity's affected us long before you arrived. Connected our memories and dreams. Corrupted the Horizon. Trapped us inside it for weeks. This was not new with the heralds."

He's been here a long time. He's seen what can grow twisted in the Horizon from their own memories, emotions. From the bursts of power in the Singularity. All he's seen of the so-called gods is that they answer calls for blood and cast spells over the land. None of the spoilt fish, the feelings of despair—they were not especially peculiar. Plague maidens and wraiths can cause the same.

Edited 2023-05-03 16:16 (UTC)

He shakes his head. "It isn't a fact, it is a theory. Assume everything I'm saying is a theory, there are no proven facts as far as I know." Istredd isn't certain at all of what he knows. "I researched monoliths my entire life and found out everything I thought I knew about them was probably wrong or at least distorted. History was wrong. We still didn't know the full truth about them either. All knowledge is in flux."

It would be pretty stupid after that experience to think he knew anything for certain. Some people might have seen that as a waste of a life, and perhaps it was, but Istredd's only searching for the truth. He was fascinated instead, curious to follow the trail as far as it could go.

"I'm not saying these gods have all the answers, but they may have some. Humanity knows so little here, so much is lost to time. Two of the three factions ignored it altogether, their information is extremely limited. I don't trust the factions to be able to give us answers."

Which means he is looking for people who may know more than them. Or creatures, in that case, who do. Istredd doesn't think any of the humans here knows about the Singularity and as connected the multiple worlds so he feels he's hitting a brick wall. Maybe they have to go over their heads. He is always looking for angles.

"Nocwich could be helpful but they aren't likely to be." With good reason! They can't really trust the other areas much. They may be slightly more open to Summoned, but they can't trust them either at the end of the day.

Edited 2023-05-03 16:51 (UTC)

Geralt will invariably harbour suspicion over those who want to dig where they should not. Disturbing what should lay undisturbed has been how the Continent's been fucked for centuries. And who are the ones left to clean it up?

Sure as shit not the humans.

A minute or so ticks by. His eyes are fixed on Istredd. It isn't that he doesn't want answers. He does. He's been seeking them since he arrived. But his reasons for that are considerably more personal, and that means the lengths he is willing to go to, what he's willing to risk—or isn't willing, as it were—are dictated by things outside of what he can learn.

"What is Abraxas to you? This sphere we're on—what do you want from it?"

That question has never really been posed to him before. Istredd gets so caught up in theorizing and thinking and if he wanted to show Geralt the walls of conspiracy he and the others have made, it would be fairly ridiculous. It makes his wall that he showed Istredd look very sane in comparison. Much of it is useful, and now that people are adding parts of the Pit too, he hopes some day to make it all into sense.

For someone else, he might have another answer. He might have multiple answers, depending on who he's talking to. For Geralt, he's going to give more of a gut response, because the witcher tends to be very direct. None of this is a surprise anyway, it's simply how he is.

"I don't know if the Singularity is the center of magic or directly connected to all other spheres. I don't know if it's the doom or the hope for the future. Or nothing. I want to know. All I've ever done is search for truth and understanding. My interests haven't changed."

Istredd glances in the direction of where the Singularity is from here. He hasn't gone and visited it despite spending so much of his time in here recently. His mind is frazzled. Maybe he should.

"I suspect you might ask, to what end? What action would knowledge then take me to?" Whether or not Geralt would ask it, he's going to pose the question for them both, and his attention returns to the witcher. "I truly don't know. But that's why I'm glad I'm not alone anymore. It wouldn't be just my decision." He makes very bad decisions on his own! Istredd had intentionally been a solitary person for a long time outside of working with others, but he didn't have friends or true companionship. Not until here.

Edited 2023-05-06 02:29 (UTC)

To what end. Yeah. The inevitable question. But more than that, Geralt just wants to know what Istredd's agenda is. Beyond knowledge, which tells him nothing.

There's no indication Geralt is particularly satisfied with Istredd's response, though he doesn't appear to dismiss it, either. It's about what he expected. Noncommittal. An answer that isn't an answer.

But though Istredd may not know where he stands, Geralt does.

"This is my home," he replies. "I won't compromise it."

And that includes prodding at supposed gods and toying with powers beyond their understanding. He's found a place in Abraxas that he'd not had at home. Somewhere Ciri can stop running, where his path is not lined with rumours and fears of Witchers. He likes it here. It isn't perfect, but it's theirs. There is no going back. Not for him. Certainly not for Ciri. If protecting this place and the Singularity is what will keep Ciri safe, then that's what he'll do.

It's mostly that Istredd doesn't have an answer he can give him that he feels is fully satisfying. Not something concrete that someone like him would prefer. Geralt is grounded and realistic. Istredd was accused of having a romantic notion of the world once upon a time, and while it's not entirely true, it's not untrue either. He sees this new sphere as something bright and brilliant and fascinating. It's brought him to life again in many ways, given him new relationships, and what feels like a purpose of some kind for the first time.

There is a pause before Istredd sighs and rubs at his chin, thinking, before he finally looks back at Geralt after nodding to himself. There is a noticeable difference, like he's been holding himself back behind a quiet exterior like always, and some of that wall is coming down. "I'm not being entirely forthcoming," he admits. "I feel the same way. I don't want to leave here." Their sphere is cruel and unyielding. He has nothing but his books to go back to, and a mistake he can't take back. He's found community and love and importance here.

"I promised myself I'd find a way to keep those of us who want to be here. I have people I care for who ... can't go back." Either because they're dead or they have such a miserable existence back there that all it will do is cause them pain. How could he accept a world in which he wakes up and Lucifer's gone? Or Wanda? Or Yenna, when they've finally found peace here? Where there is happiness possible.

"I've kept it to myself because I really don't know how to do it. I'm coming up empty. I'm trying to learn all that I can, hoping that knowledge will lead us somewhere." Which is why he'd be thinking of doing desperate things like learning High Magic or poking at gods just at a chance of peeking behind a curtain to understanding. "We are compromised as long as we're living in ignorance."

Edited 2023-05-09 03:49 (UTC)

One eyebrow lifts. It's not quite that Geralt wasn't expecting to hear it, but it was not something he predicted, either. Maybe the most accurate way to say it is that he hadn't actually given any thought to how Istredd might feel about this place. In a sense, it tracks. Yennefer is here—he assumes that is who Istredd is referring to—and from what he knows, the man has little connection to the Brotherhood's political goals.

Thorne no doubt encourages his study of the monoliths. Much like Nilfgaard. The similarities have always been there.

"A balance is still needed," he replies simply. Some knowledge is not meant to be learned. Doesn't need to be. But he has no desire to interfere in what Istredd chooses to do or meddle in. Geralt's wishes have been the same from the start: he'll protect his family, whatever that means. As long as Istredd's aims do not interfere with that, they can coexist fine. And it is true they cannot do without any answers at all.

He just understands how easy it is to open doors you cannot close. And that you are lucky, usually, if you are the only one who pays the price. Often, it's those around you.

He rises to his feet. He's said what he came to say, and Istredd is in one piece. "Try not run into any more daggers."

Edited 2023-05-12 21:51 (UTC)

Yennefer is a part of it, as she will always be a part of everything he does. Istredd had no loyalty to their sphere or anyone in it, outside of her, and sometimes his concerns for the elves. But he hardly made a real dent for them in helping, so this place is much more inclined to let him make headway. He can get somewhere here, probably. A purpose exists.

"I understand." What Geralt means by balance. Istredd did learn from his mistake with the elves and Cirilla. There are some actions that cannot be taken back, and it's unfortunate it's a lesson he had to learn twice. He has people who will pull him back if he goes too far into his impulsive recklessness. He promised Lucifer to be more careful.

He knows Geralt isn't one for small talk and truthfully neither is he. They have communicated and it feels like there may be a legitimate peace of some kind now. Perhaps he will apologize to Ciri when he sees her, Geralt's words will stay with him.

"I'll update you if I do find anything of worth."

Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

never too late for these two :D

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can wrap here or on yours!