[open] these hands of mine were clumsy, not clever

[unwings]

WHO: Castiel and others
WHAT: catch-all, OPEN and CLOSED threads below
WHERE: Horizon, Free Cities
WHEN: May
WARNINGS: Will add as needed, noted in comment headers
OTHER: Will match brackets or prose.

It's a secret I keep tucked inside my chest
With this heart of mine that's guilty, not remorseful
There is love that doesn't have a place to rest
But it would have buried you if it had settled on your shoulders

Comments

[unwings]

"Oh" indeed.

[ cas echoes, lolling his head and lifting brows with a faint, quirked smile. he realizes this is a much heavier conversation than nadine was prepared for tonight, and even if she was willing to discuss her relationships with him before, that doesn't require her to help him solve his romantic dilemmas. he's grateful for any input she's willing to supply. nadine's been a constant in his day-to-day, watching her expertise and compassion with patients. he's come to trust and respect her outlook and willingness to share with him.

the joints come out, and once again, he is impressed by her genius. ] Good strategy. May I?

[ he's far too sober to be having this conversation too, but it's something he needs to figure out, find some kind of settlement to put it to rest before he faces dean again. if that means giving it a name, accepting that it's there, and then never letting it see the light of day (his current, expected trajectory), that's just fine. ]

Do you think it's better, not to explore that aspect of a friendship? Perhaps if you had a friend whom you didn't return such feelings for, wouldn't it be easier, more harmonious, for that friend to keep said feelings to themself? To preserve the bond you already have.

[ the last part catches oddly on him, and cas shifts up a bit in his couch-slouch, knitting brows at her. ]

Were you married?

[nadine_he_loves]

I...don't think there's any generally applicable right or wrong answer.

[Nadine hands over the pack of joints easily. She's already started on hers.]

It's all dependent on the situation. What I know is that carrying a secret for a long time sucks. And can really mess with you. And...I can't speak for you. I can just speak for me. But I've learned that it's a really bad idea to ignore a possibility.

[Chances only come around so often. Real ones, meaningful ones. God knows she ignored too many for too long. Though she wonders often if she ever had any choice at all. Still she can't say how many of her decisions were her own.

Then she blinks.]

Uh...I am married, technically. Did Dean tell you anything about my whole deal? I told him he could.

[To make it clear if anything had been said, it hadn't been a breach of confidence.]

[unwings]

[ cas strikes a match and get his joint going, inhaling deeply, lolling his head back against the couch, and sighing out the smoke. ]

A long time for you isn't the same for me. [ dean's lifespan will only be, what, 60ish more years or so? he's seen eons, he can hold onto this til then, right? maybe? ] It's not important enough to risk our bond. There's too much at stake.

[ which may be true, but it's an awfully convenient alternative to admitting "i'm certain he doesn't want me and i wouldn't know what to do with it if i had it anyway and change is terrifying and my grand ideas tend to end somewhere between sad and catastrophic, so i'm just going to not".

it's just damning himself to eternal longing, and he's already spent so much time in unfulfilled waiting, what's a little more? he's an angel, the pursuit of happiness wasn't intended for him - protecting, fighting, the whole guardian spirit gig, that's his purpose. his desires, strange and ill-fitting as they are, simply are not important enough in the grand scheme.

cas latches onto the shift in topic, happy to talk about someone else's issues instead. ]

No, the topic never came up. What "deal" is it you have?

[ worried wrinkles etch in around his forehead and eyes, since deal tends to be something extremely concerning in castiel's line of work. who'd you sell your soul to, nadine?? ]

[nadine_he_loves]

It doesn't always ruin things. I don't know, I just think that there's so much bad everywhere that when you have a chance for something good, go for it. But I get your situation is complicated.

[For so many reasons. How do you give advice in a situation like this? Nadine doesn't know what to tell him. Or if there would be any chance for him, Dean...well, he's Dean. And then there's everything else.

She does understand it's complicated. Still, it's sad to think of an angel in secret, unrequited love. It seems particularly unfair, for some reason.

But now he wants to talk about her.]

I just meant...my situation. Before I came here.

[Which...would have been easier if Dean had told him, but here they are. She gets to explain to the angel that she's married to the devil's right hand. What a fun time they're having tonight after work.]

I was born into a really complicated situation myself. Um. A whole destiny carved in stone complete with a chosen soulmate kind of thing. I was promised by whatever forces run things to...not the devil, exactly, but something real close. And I knew that since I was about twelve so I actually never dated until Jaskier. That's why Dean's been teaching me how to fight demons.