[open] these hands of mine were clumsy, not clever

[unwings]

WHO: Castiel and others
WHAT: catch-all, OPEN and CLOSED threads below
WHERE: Horizon, Free Cities
WHEN: May
WARNINGS: Will add as needed, noted in comment headers
OTHER: Will match brackets or prose.

It's a secret I keep tucked inside my chest
With this heart of mine that's guilty, not remorseful
There is love that doesn't have a place to rest
But it would have buried you if it had settled on your shoulders

Comments

[unwings]

[ geralt makes a weird noise and cas watches him warily, like he might be coughing up a hairball or perhaps stubbed his toe while he wasn't looking. frustration he understands. castiel's been nothing but a ball of frustration and grief since leaving the pit, and demon-dean's accusations certainly didn't help.

with another person, he decline to bring this up. he hardly does now, knowing it's entirely inconsequential to the overall crisis, and geralt must have far better things to do than help castiel figure out his (or dean's) emotions. but if anyone besides sam or jo might know dean better, and have both an objective perspective and commitment to honest, straight-forward answers, it's geralt. wandering to find something to sit on, cas meanders about, like trying to decide if he'll stay for the discussion or fly off, but eventually, he settles. ]

Dean and I, does our friendship seem, um. Unconventional to you?

[ cas has no idea what the subtle way of asking this without outright saying it. he shifts awkwardly, attempting to rephrase it, but really just makes it all the more muddled. ]

Like something other than a friendship? A similar, friendship-adjacent relationship that perhaps doesn't fit, strictly, into the definition of a friendship?

[ save him from himself. ]

[gynvael]

[ Of all the things he anticipated Castiel might say, it isn't that. He'd imagined...mm. A remark on Castiel's inhuman nature. A past mistake. A dark secret.

His forehead wrinkles further. Castiel is right: Geralt technically hasn't the time for this, but Castiel is more than a stranger, more than a mere acquaintance. Geralt would call him a friend—or at least would not deny it if someone were to refer to them as friends. He knows Castiel well enough to understand that the angel would not bring this up if it weren't important. That it has something to do with his recent encounter with Dean. Or the creature masquerading as Dean. ]

Precisely shit all about us is conventional, Castiel. [ He's simply saying. He doesn't think a hunter being friends with an angel is an everyday occurrence. Geralt places little value on labels, anyhow. It's why he still refers to Jaskier as a friend. How others define them matters none to Geralt. Someone else can call them whatever they want. Doesn't change what Jaskier means to him.

Still, Geralt has long learned to read between the lines. It comes with the territory when you're knocking on the doors of villagers with a dozen secrets between them and more than just monsters under their beds. ]

What did the demon imply about your relationship with Dean?

[unwings]

[ it isn't often castiel stumbles on a topic he's embarrassed to discuss, so his hesitance here makes it's own statement. nor does he have a wealth of patience for beating around the bush, thus the attempt expires quickly.

conversation with geralt's always been uncomplicated, something he appreciates immensely. cas acknowledges he has a point about being conventional, dipping his head briefly to the side. there isn't a mold or precedent set for 'angel raises man from hell and rebuilds him atom by atom, then rebels from heaven for him' And yet, he here is, wondering if he's done it wrong, crossed some unseen, unspoken boundary; dean, his own, or otherwise. it's a mess of unknowns and afraid-to-says in his head, and there's few he knows better at cutting to chase than the witcher. of the things geralt could judge him for, this is hardly the worst. ]

Dean believes I've fallen in love with him. [ cas lays out flatly, meeting geralt's eyes with bare honesty in his - the deep furrow of his brow, lost and searching roundness of his eyes. ] The kind involving sexual relations.

[ if "i'd pity fuck you but i'd never love you" was anything to go by. ]

[gynvael]

[ And there it is.

For a moment, Geralt is silent. Normally, his advice would be talk to him and stop being an idiot, but that's less of an option when this is a posthumous crisis. He's not unsympathetic. What the fuck are you to do when coming to terms with your heart while a demon taunts you with the face of the man you loved?

Considering their last conversation about fatherhood and childhood, he needn't ask if Castiel has been in love before. If he has, Geralt doesn't think the angel would have known. Or acknowledged it. And the reality is, Geralt hasn't any idea what it is to just not have fallen in love—not even once—over the course of centuries.

Though many would claim a Witcher is incapable.

Castiel called it a truth. So the question isn't about whether the demon is right. ]

You regret not telling him? [ He studies the angel. ] Or are you afraid he always knew?

[unwings]

I'd take it to my grave if I could. [ if the demon didn't already announce it, if dean wouldn't retain memories from this time once they cure him - and they will cure him. no part of this is posthumous for him. if jack's future contains dean alive and mark free, it's possible, and cas refuses to call him truly dead until there's no shadow of a doubt.

afraid he always knew — yes, partly. Dean's never hesitated to make his attraction known before, cas tells himself, if the desire were there, he'd have done something about it. after that conversation, the thought he'd simply pitied him this whole time is mortifying. if he doesn't already know, cas may have the opportunity to amend it, tell him the demon was taking a guess, it's unfounded. it's easy and comfortable, it'd keep the status quo. cas would love to deny there'd be a certain sorrow in that, but it far outweighs the possibility of shattering their bond. ]

If I confirm it, I may lose him entirely.

[ perhaps this is just one more of the million and one excuses he's come up with for why he'll never pursue reciprocation — it's irresponsible. it'll distract him from the mission to protect him. dean deserves the stable family life he'd always dreamed of. their species are too different and cas isn't equipped to handle the kind of relationship dean would want. dean doesn't return these feelings, and it'd shatter the easy, second nature bond they have. cas examines each in his head, trying to decide the legitimacy, dig it out and see if there's something else hiding beneath.

he isn't intended for me, i'm not enough, i'm too much, i'll drag him down damn him destroy him with my constant catastrophic mistakes, i'm incapable of making him happy.

it's remarkably simple, all boiled down. ]

I'm afraid I can't give him peace.

[gynvael]

[ Geralt has never been particularly delicate about...anything. Finds it neither worth his efforts nor a useful way to proceed. But they've a genuine problem on their hands—Dean, as a demon, on the loose. In the face of this confession, Castiel is more of a wildcard than ever. He does not know what Castiel will do when it comes to Dean, whether to protect him, save him, something else.

So he doesn't say that Castiel has already lost him. That they all have. ]

It isn't your job to give him peace. [ He pauses. Measures his words with care. ] And men like him, like us—we find our peace in places others do not. Cleaning blood off a blade while the sun rises. A moment of quiet by the fire before the next hunt. You don't owe him anything more than the truth.

[ Whether Dean is here to receive it or not. Still, he isn't certain this is about Dean. Not exactly. It's about Castiel—whatever thread the demon has unravelled by bringing this little fact to light. Perhaps the angel simply needs time to reflect on. Everything. A lot has happened in a short period.

He shifts his weight. Studies Castiel closely. It isn't a question he often poses—not when he thinks he knows the answer he'll receive—but this is different. ]

Will you be all right?