Kell doesn't shrink away from the hug. He needs the reassurance it provides. He even manages something of a weak smile. But then it all fades away, his shoulders stiffen, and he looks away, when Jesper mentions Rhy and his own promise to him.
"Was it very disappointing to find out it was me?"
It's not what Jesper has said, but it's what Kell hears. That's the other thing he also said. Hurt comes back at you at the worst possible moments. It skews your perception, twists memories, showing a cracked mirror to what's real. And it's exactly this. Right here.
None of this would have happened if you knew. Nothing will come out this now that you do.
Kell doesn't say this out loud, but it's enough that he thinks it. That's his truth. He's always the second choice. Honestly, who would have chosen him over Rhy? He wouldn't have chosen himself. He loves Rhy. More than anything or anybody, more than his own life. Nobody understands what it really means when he says that. Nobody understands the totality of it. How it felt to see the endless parade of Rhy's lovers and have his own love and desire go unrequited. Know, that he'll never have it returned. They're on much better terms now. Even with their bond broken. In that sense, getting summoned was the best thing that could have happened to him.
While this is all great, it doesn't help for his second problem. One that's unique to this place. Does not make him feel less of a leper. He had his first glimpses of it with Lila. That as much as he loves Rhy, he might like to get involved with other people. He knows, always knew, that Rhy has needs he just can't meet. He doesn't have a problem with him having those needs met outside of their ... entanglement. As long as he's not left out in the cold in the process.
He didn't expect himself to have such needs. That having them met could involve other people too. Here lies the problem, though. As soon as they know he's Rhy's brother, nobody would touch him with ten-feet pole. Especially, if they were involved with Rhy first, and many were. Out of courtesy for Rhy, out of Saints know what. Suddenly, Kell is out of bounds. That leaves him with very little choice. Of those, that he feels safe considering. He's not blind, he knows that some of the ladies and gentlemen that frequent Winking Cauldron don't come there for tea. That's part of his job. He's also not stupid nor desperate enough yet to try his chances with anyone who's not a Summoned themselves.
To have to cross-out Jesper off his list now hurts. More than he thought it might. Kell thought what they had was special. As much as he was conflicted about his own role in it, what he did, what he said, he was happy it happened. But apparently it wasn't special enough. Nothing really is when compared to Rhy.
i am sorry for the wall of text, jesper just poked the beehive
"Was it very disappointing to find out it was me?"
It's not what Jesper has said, but it's what Kell hears. That's the other thing he also said. Hurt comes back at you at the worst possible moments. It skews your perception, twists memories, showing a cracked mirror to what's real.
And it's exactly this. Right here.
None of this would have happened if you knew. Nothing will come out this now that you do.
Kell doesn't say this out loud, but it's enough that he thinks it. That's his truth. He's always the second choice. Honestly, who would have chosen him over Rhy? He wouldn't have chosen himself. He loves Rhy. More than anything or anybody, more than his own life. Nobody understands what it really means when he says that. Nobody understands the totality of it. How it felt to see the endless parade of Rhy's lovers and have his own love and desire go unrequited. Know, that he'll never have it returned.
They're on much better terms now. Even with their bond broken. In that sense, getting summoned was the best thing that could have happened to him.
While this is all great, it doesn't help for his second problem. One that's unique to this place. Does not make him feel less of a leper. He had his first glimpses of it with Lila. That as much as he loves Rhy, he might like to get involved with other people. He knows, always knew, that Rhy has needs he just can't meet. He doesn't have a problem with him having those needs met outside of their ... entanglement. As long as he's not left out in the cold in the process.
He didn't expect himself to have such needs. That having them met could involve other people too. Here lies the problem, though. As soon as they know he's Rhy's brother, nobody would touch him with ten-feet pole. Especially, if they were involved with Rhy first, and many were. Out of courtesy for Rhy, out of Saints know what. Suddenly, Kell is out of bounds. That leaves him with very little choice. Of those, that he feels safe considering. He's not blind, he knows that some of the ladies and gentlemen that frequent Winking Cauldron don't come there for tea. That's part of his job. He's also not stupid nor desperate enough yet to try his chances with anyone who's not a Summoned themselves.
To have to cross-out Jesper off his list now hurts. More than he thought it might. Kell thought what they had was special. As much as he was conflicted about his own role in it, what he did, what he said, he was happy it happened. But apparently it wasn't special enough. Nothing really is when compared to Rhy.