That's how he would normally react. Try to play that things are just fine or simply storm off, but the pit has broken something within him. Left him with precious little control over his most self-destructive tendencies. So no one thing is really innocuous. Everything, down to the smallest details, can become the fodder for his dark thoughts.
"But I am an expert at expecting the worst."
Sarcasm might not be the best answer, but isn't it just another of his defence mechanisms? He has so many of them. And what for? That's his problem. He assumes too much, and what he does consistently follows a familiar pattern. One where he has the most too loose and the least to gain. He did it before. Did with practically every single person he cares about. Starting with Rhy.
"I'm not jealous. I can share." The way he states it as a simple fact is not different from the directness Jesper describes his relationship with Rhy. "I know he likes other people, I don't see an issue with that... I just..."
Even less issue now than ever. The truth, the ugly unpleasant truth, is that Rhy is not the problem, he is. All too afraid to acknowledge the fact he can have what he wants, that there will be people wanting to offer him just that. All too eager to dismiss even those state that plainly to his face. Because he fucking knows better.
Kell shudders. He's about to do the one thing he hates most, explain himself. Because Jesper was honest with him, he deserves at least the same.
"I just assumed what we had on the ship was an one-off. That you won't be interested in more. This was just an experiment. The occasion was perfect for it. So even if I wanted more, I didn't reach out. And then I got kidnapped."
How he was able to convince himself after such a fabulous night that it was somehow not good enough? Simple. He wanted it too much, and he's so used to not getting things he wants so strongly that he'll let go preemptively to spare himself the misery.
Kell looks up, raises his hand to touch Jesper's cheek, fingers tracing the line of his jaw.
"But I want to have sex with you, Jesper. And even more, I want to do unspeakably awful things to you while we're having sex."
Saints! He so much does. Even saying those things out loud is enough to raise his heart rate. Even now, in the most inappropriate circumstances, Kell has to force himself to resist the urge to tighten his grip.
no subject
"But I am an expert at expecting the worst."
Sarcasm might not be the best answer, but isn't it just another of his defence mechanisms? He has so many of them. And what for? That's his problem. He assumes too much, and what he does consistently follows a familiar pattern. One where he has the most too loose and the least to gain. He did it before. Did with practically every single person he cares about. Starting with Rhy.
"I'm not jealous. I can share." The way he states it as a simple fact is not different from the directness Jesper describes his relationship with Rhy. "I know he likes other people, I don't see an issue with that... I just..."
Even less issue now than ever. The truth, the ugly unpleasant truth, is that Rhy is not the problem, he is. All too afraid to acknowledge the fact he can have what he wants, that there will be people wanting to offer him just that. All too eager to dismiss even those state that plainly to his face. Because he fucking knows better.
Kell shudders. He's about to do the one thing he hates most, explain himself. Because Jesper was honest with him, he deserves at least the same.
"I just assumed what we had on the ship was an one-off. That you won't be interested in more. This was just an experiment. The occasion was perfect for it. So even if I wanted more, I didn't reach out. And then I got kidnapped."
How he was able to convince himself after such a fabulous night that it was somehow not good enough? Simple. He wanted it too much, and he's so used to not getting things he wants so strongly that he'll let go preemptively to spare himself the misery.
Kell looks up, raises his hand to touch Jesper's cheek, fingers tracing the line of his jaw.
"But I want to have sex with you, Jesper. And even more, I want to do unspeakably awful things to you while we're having sex."
Saints! He so much does. Even saying those things out loud is enough to raise his heart rate. Even now, in the most inappropriate circumstances, Kell has to force himself to resist the urge to tighten his grip.