I don't trust, but I see right in front of me

[thedevilwhorose]

Who: Lucifer, others
When: May & June
Where: Thorne, Nott, Nocwich, the Horizon
What: OTA prompts and some closed things
Warnings:
Nocwich with Castiel: Cyfaill-induced Problems.
Nocwich with Istredd: A Lot of Blood, animal death, part harvesting, ???? it's a weird thread




I don't know who to betray. ♫
[Will match style.]

Comments

[unwings]

[ cas squints across the green bubble as his brother goes on about worship, and he's not sure that's really the same as love. there's a critical shift in power dynamic, superiority.

but when he moves on to emotions and i've never felt anything like it, castiel's lips curl into a knowing, goofy, self-satisfied smile, like he's about to pop off with i told you humans are neat. perhaps lucifer just needed the right one, under the right circumstances to bring his guard down, and finally he sees what's so special about them. the victory's short lived, interrupted by fingers flicking around his face, and cas puffs a jet of air at them, like trying to dissuade little green glowing butterflies from landing on his face. calm down, butterflies, he's trying to have a come to not-jesus moment with his bro here. ]

The depth and breadth of their emotions, the power of them. It's overwhelming. [ he talks like giorgio tsoukalos giving a lecture on pyramid building aliens, and after rolling around on the forest floor, his hair probably looks the part. ] We think of ourselves as stronger, more resilient. But we aren't carrying a storm around at all times. If that's the force of a soul, I understand why they're so powerful.

[ the point is, you get it. some of them suck, but every now and again, you find one worth the entire kingdom of heaven and all you have to offer. were cas sober, this would be an extremely bizarre, suspiciously revealing speech lucifer's making, but now, strung out on bug-acid and half convinced he can see through time and smell colors, castiel's enthralled with it, nodding along. he'll be troubled by it later, when he realizes there's so much lucifer's said that resonates and relates to cas's own experiences.

being seen is an act of trust, in shedding armor and baring one's throat in the hopes your partner won't tear it out. the demon wearing dean's skin now saw straight through to castiel's naked core, and put a drove a spike into it. no wound he's ever suffered ached and burned quite so keenly, and he visibly squirms there on the floor at the thought of it, face scrunching up disgruntled.

it could also have something to do with the hand swatting his face. he slaps at lucifer's fingers bopping his nose, murmuring a low stop that, but not loud enough to interrupt the speech his brother's on. because it's enlightening, unnervingly so. ]

Terrifying, yes. Being vulnerable, honest and unguarded enough to be truly seen opens one up to the worst kind of wound. [ it's beautiful and horrible all bundled together, and even that balance reflects the grand equation of all things living within the universe. as he talks, cas squirms around, shuffles his feet along the floor as his torso inches back until he can jam the ball of his foot against lucifer's hip, shoving him and his rude hands away. as far as cas can tell, he's just cartwheeling on through his happy bubble space. the conversation carries on despite it. ] Istredd's certainly spoken as if he knows all you are and embraces it.

[ without having any traction, he can't really push lucifer anywhere, so it becomes something more like kneading and jabbing toes at his brother's side idly while they talk about love and existential dread. ]

Love, then, is acceptance of all facets of a person, believing even their worst faults necessary to the whole, beautiful composition of them. [ he is not calling lucifer beautiful, clearly there is another person on his mind, castiel's voice distant and eyes somewhere on the ceiling. that does seem about right. dean's done plenty of questionable things, and castiel's always defended him implicitly. cas destroyed sam's mind, lied to and betrayed dean, fucked up more times than he can count, and yet dean still trusts him. but perhaps that's just family, not love in the sense he might hope for. a pause, and he comes back to the conversation squinting over his feet at lucifer. ] Is it better to have it than not, knowing it might crumble or end in disaster, do you think?

I'm Sorry (I'm Not)

[thedevilwhorose]

[He tries to flick Castiel with a wing like Michael had done to him. All it gets is a mild fanning of air. His mind can't compute the metaphysics of connections to his wings, let alone the Actual Physics.

He wriggles away from Castiel's muddy feet instead.

It's not his most prideful moment. He's hoping Castiel is just Human Enough that his vision in the dark is atrocious and doesn't have to witness Lucifer's odd worm-shimmy.]

If that's the force of a soul it makes sense as to why our Father didn't think it worth it or wise to give us one.

[Because what Heaven's Public Enemy Numero Uno and Dos would do with that power on top of their already-existing holy nuke would turn the world inside out (Lucifer) and then upside down (Castiel).

He lays back down, ignoring the fact that now there's a rock jabbed into his side in his new location.

'Love, then, is acceptance of all facets of a person, believing even their worst faults necessary to the whole, beautiful composition of them.'

And then he's blinking. Slow. Really processing Castiel's words to the point where he doesn't even feel the rock anymore. Because that--

Well it's just--

Castiel's words make a whole lot of sense, and that can't be right, that has to be the Cyfaill's fault.

Nope. No. Problem for another time. Not on a cave floor surrounded by a green sphere. Other Problems to focus on. Other words to focus on, to the point where he just... laughs. Don't ask what the joke is, Castiel. He barely knows.

'You deserved to know someone loved you even if it felt a little pathetic on my end.'] Yes. Better to know that someone loves you when you should be deemed unlovable. [Ugh. Look. He knows Castiel isn't talking about Lucifer's problems. He props himself up on an elbow and makes a winded sound.] I'm sorry--am I supposed to be like--going with this somehow not being about Dean because like, look, man, I was inside you once, I maybe be dumb with 'feelings' related or directed at myself, but like--come on, man, the whole Host likely knew.

[unwings]

[ castiel has now sideways-walked his way along lucifer's person until he's upside down, head near his brother's feet. he abruptly snaps up to sitting, ramrod straight, with that last little mention there. ]

Excuse me, you where what once?

[ inside, he said inside, and cas gives an involuntary shiver, suddenly feeling like the inside of his vessel needs bleaching, or intense therapy. ] How. Why?

[ this isn't news he needed to learn while tripping balls, as the concept of it is now blowing his mind. for a while, cas stares at his hands and lets his mind spin. imagining lucifer scooting in alongside him like jimmy novak is just one big Get Along shirt, and does that mean he mind melded with his brother too? what more does he know about lucifer in the future? how poetic is it that lucifer apparently knows him better than he knows himself, as there was no matter of hint or suggestion before he nailed the topic of dean.

it's fascinating, and gradually, he leans over, bending his knees in and scoots like a caterpillar (maybe he is a caterpillar, who knows, caterpillars could hang out in bubbles too) until he's flat on his stomach, arms folded on the cave floor, and staring wide-eyed at lucifer from a foot or so away, apparently entranced. ]

Do you believe that about yourself? That you're unlovable.

[ for whatever reason, cas assumed lucifer held all the self-confidence and self-importance in the world. that was his problem, in his eyes. what else would someone demand such worship for, but reframing it with this, it does make sense. a disturbing amount of sense that comes somewhere close to sympathizing, and cas isn't sure he's quite high enough to go that far yet. jump topic again. one of these is bound to be more comfortable (it's not, none of them are, this conversation is full of danger and that's why you're blazed for it). ]

So— wait. You know everything? In there. [ he points to himself, not sure if it should be at his head or his chest or wherever their memory and cognition ends up stored when they're all squish-jammed into a vessel. ] And Dean, it was— It was all there already?

[ the feelings and things. he's not sure when lucifer managed to squirm into his vessel with him, if something happened with him and dean in the meantime, but it was already creeping around in the back of his mind, god, he must be champion of repression. ]

[thedevilwhorose]

Yeah, thanks, you are the entire reason I got out of the Cage redux version. Sam didn't want to play ball and you, I don't know, wanted to act like you were being useful? That sounds like you, I think.

[He waves it off like he's already anticipating Castiel's indignant clamor.] I mean you were helping. Robust vessel you got there, guess that's what happens when Dad stitches you up enough times. [There is the barest jealous sneer there.] Ohhhhh the short story is... ugh. I don't want to go into it. [Don't make him talk about Amara. They don't need more family drama when he's currently vibrating with it.] Shoooort story. Mark removed the first time unlocked a different Cage, released a Bigger Problem than me, you tapped me onboard to help.

Which went.

Fi... [He can't even lie about it right now. Thinking of his little 'session' sitting across their Father just. Pisses him off.] You got your vessel back in the end, all unmarred without my tarnish.

[It's only because Castiel is so in Lucifer's space. Face. That Castiel will see him flinch. Too revealing. He folds his arms over his chest and tries to brush it off but the crack is there now.] Aren't I? [Unlovable.] Isn't that the tale Dad wanted to spin? The crazed, uncontrollable monster that only lived to be vanquished?

[He does take a moment to recenter himself and remind himself that no, it isn't actually true. Not just because of Istredd; he does know Michael didn't stop loving him.

He could do it. Push the lie that he knows alllll of Castiel's dark secrets. He doesn't. His head is throbbing now enough as it is.] I left you in a back corner of your own mind. You were like... A really boring book that I couldn't bring myself to read. [Or: he was real mad about Dean being cured of the Mark and he couldn't even bring himself to look into the how of it.] So... no. But. [Long, drawn-out sigh. He closes his eyes. It does not shut out the green. So, weird. Maaaaybe they aren't in an orb.] Pretty sure it was already there, bud.

[unwings]

Unfortunately, that does sound like me.

[ nice to hear he was, actually, helpful. less nice that he released satan after they worked so hard to put him back into the cage. he knew lucifer got out somehow, but my how well it tracks that cas released yet another evil upon the world. but, he's too blazed to feel that guilty about it now. instead, it's just a nose wrinkling and some squinting. ]

Thank you, I suppose, for returning it undamaged. [ one would hope he bought the renter's insurance, but okay, no collisions or dents, hopefully no old McDonalds drinks gooing up the cup holders, sounds good. the Bigger Problem is his greater concern now. ] Will removing the Mark here cause the other cage to unlock?

[ under no circumstances does he want dean to keep the mark on him, but, as recently as 2 seconds ago, castiel's had frequent reminders of his bad habit of releasing untold evils upon the world. perhaps he should be focused on transference, rather than removal. besides, being driven badshit by the mark would be a great excuse for continuing to repress the whole feelings for dean issue.

hilarious that lucifer's the one of his immediately present brothers to experience genuine love before him, but of course it's his bad luck to fall for the one person he can't have. at least true love might have a whisper of a chance of changing the devil for the better. ]

You were beloved throughout Heaven, before the Fall, so I suppose it can't be implicitly true. [ no, he doesn't want to call lucifer lovable, that's fucking weird, but objectively speaking, the theory's already disproven here. far be it from him to sabotage the Will Love Fix Satan experiment. ] Istredd alone proves an exception. Perhaps your three young friends as well. Heaven accepts what their current leader tells them, and they're harsh in their damnation.

[ never would he have guessed he'd be having a heartfelt discussion about experiencing and accepting love as a ball of celestial energy with lucifer of all his siblings, but somehow, it's been strangely relatable. one might almost say helpful, perhaps even healing. there's something poetic in his sworn enemy being the only one to have walked in his skin, observed the dark secrets of his mind, and find himself in the midst of the same emotional, existential quandary. ]

What was there, inside me... it wasn't simple admiration or dedication? You're certain it was, um. [ flinch. squint. squirm. ] That.

[ the L word. as if anyone really needed to be inside his head to see it, as if there weren't a butt-ton of angels and demons both already commented on it. sorry, lucifer, but your little brother, the one following in your footsteps in rebelling from hell, is fucking dense. ]

[thedevilwhorose]

In some grand scope of time and space and reality, that cage has already been unlocked. I believe our Father is unchained from every universe; she would be, too. It's over and done with; this is just a side effect of the Singularity. [He sounds So Certain until that last part.] We have to believe that.

And anyway. Even if we do get a redux version, Michael and I can deal with it. It's a problem we should deal with [again] and I went the wrong way with it last time.

[He should've actually sided with Amara instead of just joked about it. He never should have agreed to lock her back up after knowing how much she'd prefer death over going back to her cage. They were the same and he ignored it for some twisted hope that he really patched things up with God and it wasn't all some lie.]

Heaven does what it's told, that's for sure. [It's really a wonder if he was beloved by Heaven, if they did see him as beautiful, or if God commanded it just as he commanded they bow to humanity.

It doesn't matter anymore.

There's a momentary lapse of confusion at the mention of three young friends before he remembers that the lightning bug is supposed to be in that. Ugh. At least the kid isn't freezing up everything anymore. Maybe Lucifer can stomach going near him again.

Castiel's asking the wrong person to be able to identify love in anyone's head.

As it is Lucifer has an arm reached up again, drawing invisible lines above him but seeing spiderwebs of thread following to his own eyes.

He'd called Castiel a pleasureless dullard once before. Duty-bound.

He chuckles.] Being in you was nauseating. It was a relief to be away from it. But I told you. I now know what unrestricted love feels like. What was noodling around in your walls could only be that.

[unwings]

[ watching lucifer drawing on the inside of their bubble, it appears to cas like a little light on his fingertip engraving webs like cave drawings on the green glow of the wall, and he flips onto his back to watch. on his own section of bubble, cas begins tracing little animals. a cat, a beaver. a spider at the edge of lucifer's webs.

it's nostalgic, somehow. something from long, long ago, when everything was new. before their father left, before all this complication. it leaves him with a wistful smile. ]

I admired you. [ spoken after a time, easier without staring his brother in the face. ] Michael, you, all of you. You helped our Father build the Earth - the oceans, the mountains. The Himalayas, Mariana Trench, Iguazu Falls. All of New Zealand. We helped, but our projects weren't nearly the same.

The gift you had for creation, the reverence for the world we made. It was beautiful.

[ man, that firefly ketamine sure is hitting hard. but it's actually the honest truth. it would take full garrisons of them to assemble things like Niagara Falls or Mount Fiji, but taking a break from that to fly over and watch Lucifer assemble Yellowstone was inspired.

cas will abjectly and vehemently deny any memory of making that statement later, so enjoy it now, lucifer.

he moves on to tracing one particular waterfall he was especially fond of in Iceland, contemplating his brother's take on what he found inside him. there's no reason to lie about it, nothing to gain, but it leaves him at crossroads. even higher than a bat's ass, it's still too problematic (read: terrifying) to imagine requesting reciprocation from dean.

but it's been gnawing through him, first this unlabeled yearning and draw that kept him hovering around this man, fascinated but off limits, and now that it has a name, it's a maddening itch all through his spirit and mind. ]

What do I... do with it? [ he pauses in his drawing, arm flopping sadly back down to his stomach. ] I can't, I shouldn't ask Dean for this, but where do I put it?

[ speaking of duty-bound, pleasureless dullard. how can he make a little box inside his chest and stuff it in there and make sure it stays put and doesn't do any more damage? ]

[thedevilwhorose]

[He's forgotten the Beginning.

He's forgotten his involvement. The burn of the Mark ate away at anything bright in his vision and buried away anything good and left him with nothing, that everyone and everything had seen no value left to him.

He pauses his nonsense doodles to shift his hand to stare at his palm and he doesn't remember but he also knows, inherently, that Castiel is right.

Oh.

He wonders if their Father meant for that to happen with the Mark; after all, had to have all the proper fixings and foundations to grow a villain. Retract any nourishment, put in a cold, dark place. Leave for millenia.

He drops his hands over his face to rub quick at his eyes and then flop his arm down away from him.

Anyway they're both going to ignore this conversation having ever happened and it's going to be days or maybe weeks before the true weight of Castiel's 'I admired you' really hits him.

And the rest of it, unraveling among gossamer threads.]

I told Istredd if he had told me months ago I would've laughed at him. Not on purpose. Not to be malicious. Just... Doubt. But at the time even me, as a... person... wouldn't want to lose a friendship over something like the other person falling in love.

[This is the first time he really is struggling to believe they're having this conversation. The problem is the issue is far too close to him and Istredd. He discourages Castiel, he's just in a way discouraging Istredd and himself, isn't he?

So that only leaves encouragement.]

I have heard Dean's scream as I killed you in front of him. ... Which again you somehow survived, you cockroach. [He assumes, anyway, because Jack Knew Castiel, and Jack was literally being born when Lucifer sunk a blade into Castiel's back.] If you really think he's going to just leave you to the wayside, you're a bigger idiot than I am. [Which is saying something.]

If you throw your feelings into a cage you're just being exactly what Dad wanted for us. What's the point of rebelling if you do that?